This is not where I want to be in life nor where I have ever wanted to be.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Yes, sorry, too many questions for today.  As to what I shared with children, my expectations were that I was finally standing up for myself and creating a new reality for myself.  No longer being everyone's caretaker, protector, etc. 

With my oldest daughter, I have finally understood, even today, with regard to the phone conversation, that her stuff is her stuff.  I can feel sad for her.  I can care for her.  But I have nothing to apologize for and I will not allow myself to be steamrolled anymore.  If my children all want to go to the club meeting and discuss mom, they are free to do so.  However, I am no longer available or interested in the outcome of those discussions.

Caring about what the world thinks and feels has left me feeling exhausted and it is far past time that I finally care about what do I think and how do I feel.  This is not to say I plan on being selfish, prideful, punishing, etc.  It is to say I am no longer playing the codependent role.  It will take a lot of practice and a lot of reminding myself but also very freeing. 

I have been a great mom to my children and a wonderful grandmother.  I plan on being both of those still.  But with boundaries in place.  Again lot and lots of practice ahead.

All of these things apply to my husband as well.

[lonely38]

Yes, sorry, too many questions for today.  As to what I shared with children, my expectations were that I was finally standing up for myself and creating a new reality for myself.  No longer being everyone's caretaker, protector, etc. 

With my oldest daughter, I have finally understood, even today, with regard to the phone conversation, that her stuff is her stuff.  I can feel sad for her.  I can care for her.  But I have nothing to apologize for and I will not allow myself to be steamrolled anymore.  If my children all want to go to the club meeting and discuss mom, they are free to do so.  However, I am no longer available or interested in the outcome of those discussions.

Caring about what the world thinks and feels has left me feeling exhausted and it is far past time that I finally care about what do I think and how do I feel.  This is not to say I plan on being selfish, prideful, punishing, etc.  It is to say I am no longer playing the codependent role.  It will take a lot of practice and a lot of reminding myself but also very freeing. 

I have been a great mom to my children and a wonderful grandmother.  I plan on being both of those still.  But with boundaries in place.  Again lot and lots of practice ahead.

All of these things apply to my husband as well.

[lonely38]

and I realized I just said sorry to you.  Ok, I am not sorry ha!  But that was way too many questions for now.

[formflier]

Yes, sorry, too many questions for today. 

I'll leave you with a final question and consider your answers for a while.

How did you expect your revelations to affect your childrens' relationship with their Father?

FF

[lonely38]

I guess I am following you here.  The children get to make up their minds how they feel about their dad based on history and knowledge and facts.  I shared facts.  I had no expectations of how it would impact their relationship with their dad.  Instead I had expectations that it would impact the relationship with them and myself, as in concern for me and care and support for me. At this point, I can see that by perhaps not sharing in the past is now partly to blame for what is happening with our family. Kids are mad at me for sharing, mad at dad for all of his damage and probably just mad in general that their family is not a leave it to beaver family.  That is the part I have protected them from and will no longer do so because it is not truth.  That does not mean I go and blab stuff, but it does mean I get to live authentically and not be in the mode of covering up, protecting, pretending all is good, etc.

I am not planning to share more, but I do not feel I owe an apology to the children for sharing truth, although what I was shared was very minor.  And in all of the things I did share that happened last year, they were already aware these things have occurred in the past including reaching out to other old girlfriends, having issues with internet filter and porn and going to massage parlors. 

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

What role did your husband play?

What role did you play?

Did you children play the role you expected them to play?  

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I have been struggling with your story as to what your children perceived you "did wrong," and as I caught up on the thread, I got there as you described it - you destroyed their ability to pretend they had a Leave It To Beaver family. They might be talking in order to process the reality of What We Really Are vs. What We Remember/Imagine We Were. You re-defined their reality. Plus, if you got to the point of nearly losing it, and you were no longer holding it together for everyone -- who was going to hold it together? Their father? Not likely. Themselves? Not prepared to do so. It isn't easy for any child to see and admit that their parents aren't perfect, especially when one parents made the other parent's "not really that bad." It never affected them until it reached divorce stage. And they had to consider their parents as two separate people rather than one parental entity that works, dysfunctional as it has been.

 my DH's mother came home one evening to find a note on the table from his father, saying that he was leaving and wanted a divorce. There was no affair, no warning that something was wrong. The three children -- all adults -- knew you their parents had little in common but no idea that their father had reached that level of unhappiness. They were all angry -- mostly that he left the way he did. DH's brother and sister never fully regained a good relationship with their father. DH said it was really hard to navigate the relationship.

This may take a lot of time for them to work through.

[lonely38]

Thank you for understanding.  And yes I get that it may take them time to process.  I just do not want to be beaten up by their emotions and needs any longer. I want to be present for a healthy relationship, which I hope and pray they can make their way back to.  Praying they see that I am a safe person and that I love them unconditionally.  But giving myself permission to change things too.

[once removed]

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. Please feel free to continue the discussion the in another thread, and thanks to all who participated.