The house is sold, now what do I do?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336231.0

Snowglobe,

What's going on in your world?

FF

Hi Ff,
The house is conditionally sold upon inspection and financing for the buyers side. We are away on vacation coming back shortly. Upon return we will start actively looking and bidding at properties given that we get approved for financing. I’m stressed out. Prior to leaving on vacation I had really bad anxiety and panic attacks with nightmares. Now, I somehow more accepting of my worse case scenario - him trying to scam me and us going 50/50 on all of the assets. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but having our value and equity in realestate is paramount for me. It’s the only place it’s safe and grows in value over time.

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336231.0

Snowglobe,

What's going on in your world?

FF

Hi Ff,
The house is conditionally sold upon inspection and financing for the buyers side. We are away on vacation coming back shortly. Upon return we will start actively looking and bidding at properties given that we get approved for financing. I’m stressed out. Prior to leaving on vacation I had really bad anxiety and panic attacks with nightmares. Now, I somehow more accepting of my worse case scenario - him trying to scam me and us going 50/50 on all of the assets. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but having our value and equity in realestate is paramount for me. It’s the only place it’s safe and grows in value over time.

[formflier]

Did you go to your lawyer and get advice about who controls the money if the house sells?

What did the lawyer think of the picture of the promissory note?

I'm glad you are somehow more accepting of what may happen.  What do you think contributed to your change in perception?

FF

[formflier]

  given that we get approved for financing.

So...you are selling your house and you are NOT sure you can finance your next house? 

Given that you refuse to live in a rental, what are you going to do if the house sells and are denied a mortgage? 

FF

[snowglobe]

Did you go to your lawyer and get advice about who controls the money if the house sells?

What did the lawyer think of the picture of the promissory note?

I'm glad you are somehow more accepting of what may happen.  What do you think contributed to your change in perception?

FF

I spoke to the realestate lawyer who is handling the transaction. Since we just sold, I have some time before the closing to find another property with uBPDh, which I hope we will. The money will remain on lawyers account until he gets instructions from both of us as to what to do with it. Based on the laws of where I live I’m entitled to a half of the proceeding since it’s a matrimonial home. The promissory note, combined with my “diary like” posts here, as well as my medical docs from multiple incidents of physical abuse (my eye damage for instance) will be a compelling testimony and evidence to take this matter to court. I have enough in savings to pay for the retainer, the rest will have to come after the proceedings. I don’t want it to come to that, but some things changed. I no longer believe my uBPDh is going to improve anytime soon. He wants one hundred percent of my time to be focused on him and his needs. With his foo moving 15 min away I have been having ptsd likely anxiety from years of enduring emotional and verbals abuse instigated by his foo and delivered by uBPDh. I have realized that combined with my earlier trauma from my foo I don’t want to subject my children and myself to this anymore. I understand the complexity of healing from trauma. Not having my uBPDh and his foo in my life won’t fix my issues. Those will have to be worked on separately. What I realize is, getting off of this ride my not prove to be as detrimental as I think right now. Either way I will be ok. I’m one summer course away from my bachelor, kids and I won’t starve. I don’t have the time to flourish, because I’m so busy surviving week by week. What would my life look like if I could eat what I want, sleep when I can and be with my children as much as I want without him throwing a tantrum to get the attention?. I don’t want to, but it’s now a B plan. Safety and security for me and the children is now a forefront priority. Additionally, I just got a taste of his manipulative tactics again. We went of vacation with family friends. The women were asking me to join them on multiple activities not including uBPDh. He went into silent treatment mode, pouting and refusing to engage thereafter. 4 days of this behaviour later, he started walking away from us on the street. I went after him leaving our friends and tried to engage into adult conversation. He told me that he didn’t have anything to talk to me about, he didn’t want to be around me and that he didn’t find me sexually attractive for himself. He also stated that he recognized my contribution to the family, my commitment and respects me. This brought me to tears and the conversation became circular in the middle of the busy street on one of the most beautiful spots in the world. (Side note, he convinced our friends to allow us to come along, as a birthday present from him, although he paid for our share of this vacation). I got up from the bench we sat on talking and dismissed him with my hand saying ok, and started walking away towards the place we stayed at. He ran after me, questioning: “ is this us breaking up for good, is this our last conversation?” I continued walking, as he was saying “I can’t let you walk alone in this state, where are you heading?”. I found a quiet safe place to sit to calm down as he sat nearby behind me, I don’t know how long we sat there. He then started saying “let’s go shopping” cheerfully (before he walked away, my female friend asked me to come to the store with her). He kept on repeating it, getting more and more excited. I had our wallet and money, he asked me to come to buy presents for the children. After some time I just quietly got up and went along for what I thought was buying presents for the children. I won’t go into the detail, but over the next 5 days he bought every little thing that is beautifully crafted or has a value, for me. He went into this crazy mode again not sparing the resources. Last night was our final night at this place, he went completely 360, verbally screaming and insulting me. Naturally I was perplexed as I didn’t ask him or demand to spend this much on me. He did it all on his own accord.

[snowglobe]

So...you are selling your house and you are NOT sure you can finance your next house? 

Given that you refuse to live in a rental, what are you going to do if the house sells and are denied a mortgage? 

FF

We have substantial equity in the house, with only 5% of total amount of the value still mortgages. Meaning 95% paid off. With the mansions he is looking at, we might have an issue of getting approval for that amount. If the proceedings would be divided I would have enough to buy us a townhouse or a large condo.  The house is sold conditionally upon the inspection which I know we will pass and the financing for the buyers, which I assume they will pass. If I will have to move into rental it won’t be the end of the world. No, I don’t want to move into rental, but I also won’t live with a person who is manipulative and cunning, so I will let this burn. I will then take the legal route and wait until the court will separate our assets and decide on the custody. I’m fed up and done with this. Even a birthday vacation he embarked us on he couldn’t remain “normal” for the duration of it. Every day is ups and downs

[formflier]

  If I will have to move into rental it won’t be the end of the world. No, I don’t want to move into rental, but I also won’t live with a person who is manipulative and cunning, so I will let this burn. 


 I’m fed up and done with this.

Even a birthday vacation he embarked us on he couldn’t remain “normal” for the duration of it. Every day is ups and downs

Snowglobe

I have to imagine you typing out the bolded parts was so...so uncomfortable for you. 

I'm so proud of you confronting uncomfortable realities and realizing where standing up for your values may take you!

Good job..you have made lots of progress.

Can you stay engaged here for the next several weeks/months as you work through these real estate issues? 

What role can we play  (here at bpdfamily) when the manipulation comes to sign off on (fill in the blank) that goes against your values?  You know that is coming...right? 

What is your plan when that happens?

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I also encourage you to stick with us here for a reality check. I understand that it may feel bad to admit one "fell off the wagon" with dysfunction, but I think we all have been in that place and understand that sometimes learning/growth isn't linear but circular. It's also uncomfortable when people call us out on our own dysfunction, but I am grateful for the people who turn the mirror on me, and help me see my part in things, rather than not, because that helps me learn.

It seems to me that you have come to a more objective place about your situation, but that also, learning a new way takes practice. A toddler doesn't get up and walk- they stumble, fall sometimes, but they keep at it and soon they walk well. You seem to be better at keeping objective in the drama. Keep on learning and posting.

[snowglobe]

Hi Ff and NotWendy,
I do need a sounding board to keep reflecting my own behaviour as well as my uBPDh. I am not going anywhere. If anything, every member of this board that I have followers had given me a unique perspective of what BPD behaviour is and what a pwBPD can be capable of. I want to repay that. For now, it’s “I’m not worried about buying a home” attitude that will soon shift into “ I can’t do it I give up” attitude. He won’t care to leave his family in a duress, and frankly, this has been his boogie man “ you will live under the bridge in poverty”. I’ve spent a lot of sleepless nights and shook with anxiety, emotional turmoil and anguish. Once I finally accepted that it may happen, I realized that although being poor is a reduced opportunity for me and the children, it may also mean peace for us. I won’t be subjected to outbursts, BPD behaviour will be reduced, my only concern is that he won’t let me go in one piece. He will try to hurt the children so I would get scared and run back to him to protect them. After all, they are part of the home decor for him. He needs me to caretake and help him regulate his moods. What can I do with this knowledge? It’s empowering to understand the delicate dynamics or unspoken agreement. On the other hand, it’s like knowing that your plain is going down, and all you can do is buckle up and prepare for crush landing.

[Cat Familiar]

Where would you put all that caretaking energy if you went separate ways after the proceeds of the real estate transaction were divided evenly between you two?

[snowglobe]

Where would you put all that caretaking energy if you went separate ways after the proceeds of the real estate transaction were divided evenly between you two?

Cat,
I was hesitant to answer your question, but I will try. I don’t know... I have never been on my own, meaning I have always been on my own, but I always had to take care of people as long as I can remember myself. My mom, my husband, my children... I don’t fully belong to myself. Even if we went our separate ways all the energy would go toward the kids. They didn’t make the choice to be born, I did. It’s my responsibility to make them feel safe and comfortable.

[snowglobe]

Guys, I’m not doing well and I think I need to get help from a qualified mental health professional. As I’m coming to terms with my new reality I have many moments of feeling right chested and I’m struggling to breathe. I also stopped sleeping, which is a major problem. I’m feeling bone tired and depleted, yet I jolt in bed and can’t go back to sleep. I don’t want to be on anxiety medication as it’s highly addictive and I can’t take the chances. I’m also overwhelmed with mixture of disappointment, grief, regret, anger and sadness. I’m disappointed that almost 20 years of my life is what it feels like, coming to an abrupt end. I only have a few months until closing, uBPDh is not showing any action or motivation to look for another rehouse. He says he looks online, but can’t find anything he likes. I’m feeling intense anger that his desire for a new home doesn’t come from a place of providing stability for his family. It’s coming from a narcissistic desire to top up his friends, which he numerously shared with me. I’m heartbroken that I will loose this beautiful home we have built for over a decade. I’m also sombrely aware that I don’t want to spend my next 20 years being with someone who already showed me that he has no regard for my feelings or well being. He doesn’t capitalize on my happiness, always tries to deem my achievements. He doesn’t support me during the times of distress. Instead blaming me for accidental misfortunes. Last night, when I sat quietly with my thoughts watching tv, but thinking of a way making it work for the children he asked me “penny for your thoughts”. I told him truthfully that I was thinking of the house situation and he replied that he is checking daily but nothing came out (he wants a steal, meaning a value of a Lamborghini for the price of Honda). When we laid in bed later the same night, he started listing all the things he had done for me; e.g. vacations, expensive lavish gifts and so on... when all I ever wanted was a security and emotional stability. I don’t know what the future holds, it’s frightening and making me, frankly psychotic and unstable. As the night progressed, and our conversation flew, I wanted him to understand my position (wrong, I know, he already knows where I stand with this, so it’s jedaying) so I said. “We have only a few months to find and close the property. We have two young children, one of them is special needs who need stability in their lives, and so do I. You assured me that buying will be an easy process, it’s the selling that was going to be a problem. I cooperate with you and now it’s sold. I don’t see you actively viewing the houses for us to move into. I already told you, and you agreed, that we aren’t going into rental. I just want you to know that if you won’t do anything, I will buy property on my own.” He started making weird faces, saying “sure, since the house is more important that the family and the relationships for you (another test?. Or just gas lighting?) I know, from now on I will call you homeless. Homeless, homeless, homeless” then burst into a laughing mode. I replied that I wouldn’t push my buttons since the house is only conditionally sold (they still have financing and inspection to go through). I’m calling a lawyer today to come in and speak if I can get out of this deal, perhaps if they find an issue with the inspection, I won’t reduce the price and will be able to stall the sale. It’s sad that my every effort to have a stability in my life ricochets right back into my life with a full swing of chaos, drama and him stepping on my very traumas and insecurities. He knows I was living below the poverty line, he knows what a trauma it has been living with a livid BPD mother and another relative in one bedroom apartment. He knows I had to put 40 hrs of work every week to get by during my high school years. I didn’t get a chance to get properly schooled because I was surviving. I’m heartbroken because I’m reliving this trauma. I want it to stop. On a conscious level I understand that only through accepting the fact that he did screw me over and now I have to proceed out of my and the kids best interests I can move on. I want the feeling of hurt to stop, it’s so intense. I’ve been homeless before, I stood outside of my apartment building because I was being abused at home and had nowhere to go. Guys, I feel like I have been on a mental decline and I’m feeling crazy 

[Notwendy]

Do you have a therapist or family physician you can call to be seen? I agree with you about the medication- it's probably not good to be on addictive medicine all during the day unless your provider thinks this is needed. Your doctor might not do these medicines but be able to give you something to help you sleep at this stressful time and/or refer you to a T if you aren't seeing one already for support as you go through this transition and to help you with decisions.

Examine the possible outcome: let's say you stop the sale somehow or it falls through. You will probably be back to square one with your H wanting to sell and relist it and the struggle between the two of you over this as it was before. This may sound appealing- because it is familiar to you. It's the same as what you have been doing. However, is this security to you?

The sale goes through and your H over extends your family financially in a larger more showy house. Being financially over extended is not secure.

Money in your H's control is not security. Yes, he provided a roof over your head but it also came with his control, erratic spending and threats.

Money in your hands is potential security. If your house sells and you get half, that half can put a roof over your heads, and potential savings while you finish school and get on your feet. This is the scariest option for you because it is unfamiliar- but it is also a chance at security, albeit at a lower income level because you make the decisions about the money you have.

Please note- I am not talking about divorce. I know you don't want that. This is about the imminent sale of a home and being worried about being homeless. I think when we are stressed, we tend to think all or none. Your H, with his erratic thinking has two choices in mind, a palace or homeless. There are also places in between - renting a home or apartment will put a roof over your head. Renting is also quicker and relatively temporary compared to buying- a place to live until you sort out what you want to do.

[formflier]

Read up a few threads.  

Renting a house, apartment or condo is an option.  There will be plenty of money from the sale to do so.

I would sit with your thoughts (with TV off...no distractions) and ask yourself if there really is a chance there will be no place for you to go...  Really...that's an important thing to sort out.

FF

[formflier]

Do you have a therapist or family physician you can call to be seen?

However, is this security to you?

 
Being financially over extended is not secure.

Money in your H's control is not security. 

Money in your hands is potential security.


This is the scariest option for you because it is unfamiliar

 

While spending time with your thoughts...spend time thinking about what is really scaring you. 

FF

[snowglobe]

Do you have a therapist or family physician you can call to be seen? I agree with you about the medication- it's probably not good to be on addictive medicine all during the day unless your provider thinks this is needed. Your doctor might not do these medicines but be able to give you something to help you sleep at this stressful time and/or refer you to a T if you aren't seeing one already for support as you go through this transition and to help you with decisions.

Examine the possible outcome: let's say you stop the sale somehow or it falls through. You will probably be back to square one with your H wanting to sell and relist it and the struggle between the two of you over this as it was before. This may sound appealing- because it is familiar to you. It's the same as what you have been doing. However, is this security to you?

The sale goes through and your H over extends your family financially in a larger more showy house. Being financially over extended is not secure.

Money in your H's control is not security. Yes, he provided a roof over your head but it also came with his control, erratic spending and threats.

Money in your hands is potential security. If your house sells and you get half, that half can put a roof over your heads, and potential savings while you finish school and get on your feet. This is the scariest option for you because it is unfamiliar- but it is also a chance at security, albeit at a lower income level because you make the decisions about the money you have.

Please note- I am not talking about divorce. I know you don't want that. This is about the imminent sale of a home and being worried about being homeless. I think when we are stressed, we tend to think all or none. Your H, with his erratic thinking has two choices in mind, a palace or homeless. There are also places in between - renting a home or apartment will put a roof over your head. Renting is also quicker and relatively temporary compared to buying- a place to live until you sort out what you want to do.

Hi Wendy,
Thank you for a quick response,
Homelessness is what he is threatening me with should I not go along with his “poof plan”. Poof, we are living in a mansion, poof, I can’t find anything I can afford, let’s rent. I don’t want to take the proceeds of the sale from the lawyers trust, as I know he will be quick to blow this money onto another get rich quick scheme. Seeing a family physician is my plan for now, hopefully being referred to an outpatient program. I can’t afford one probably, the limited resources I do have should go towards lawyers fees. You are also spot on in terms of finally feeling secure and in control of my life.

[snowglobe]

Read up a few threads.  

Renting a house, apartment or condo is an option.  There will be plenty of money from the sale to do so.

I would sit with your thoughts (with TV off...no distractions) and ask yourself if there really is a chance there will be no place for you to go...  Really...that's an important thing to sort out.

FF

Ff,
I am aware that renting is an option, on a conscious level. On a deeper trauma level, renting brings me back to the ptsd like state I have experienced for much of my childhood. I also don’t see any “purpose” if you will to stay with uBPDh should he take that away from me. It’s one thing to do that as a result of something outside of control. It’s another when he, knowing my vulnerabilities is doing the exact things that brings my trauma to the surface.

[snowglobe]

What is scaring me is being responsible for two children while my mentally ill husband details and throws the white towel. He can’t deal with stress, we are back at demand/withdrawal pattern. I need him to start looking at “realistic” scenarios the ones we can close. He doesn’t even show any inclination to start looking.

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe- I think you have identified the "hook" your H has on you to do what he wants- threats that trigger your own trauma.

I know this will take a lot of hard work to manage-  but if there is a positive to this- it is that this trauma is yours, not his, and you actually control it. If your H didn't have the power he has to scare you, you would not feel so controlled. But what is this power? Your own trauma.

You had a difficult childhood and when you are triggered, you become that scared child again. But you are not a child, you are an adult, and I hope that with work with a therapist, you can lessen the grip your past has on you.

Your H represents a lot of things to you, one may be your father- an erratic man who abandoned your family. I don't know why it is that we can tend to marry someone who is in ways similar to the issues we have with our FOO's but I think it is because we have the wish to somehow resolve this. Kids tend to have magical thinking- if I am only good enough, Daddy or Mommy will finally love me, or I will feel secure. This leads us to look outside ourselves, but really - we need to look at ourselves.

I can relate to this because, although my father was present in the family, and he did support us so we thankfully did not have concerns about survival, his focus was on my mother. Her spending created a sort of imbalance- she had the best of everything, we had to compromise. I know I didn't have the same kind of situation you have, but I knew, early on, I had to be able to support myself, as although my father could have afforded college for me, whether or not he helped depended on my mother's moods. My  security was to have my own money. . Sometimes my father was reliable with helping with tuition and sometimes he was not- and it was the inconsistency that created the insecurity.

You have a similar situation with your H in that, sometimes he comes through for you, and sometimes he does not. He's also inconsistent- it's either over the top vacations, a mansion, expensive cars- or nothing. This is intermittent reinforcement- the most powerful reinforcement of behavior.

I hope that working with a T will help you deal with the emotional fear grip your H has on you. It will hopefully help you think of options.

[formflier]

Homelessness is what he is threatening me with 

Is that a valid..realistic threat?

Seriously...write out exactly how you and/or your kids...and him..end up homeless.

FF

[snowglobe]

Wendy,
Your reply took a few moments for me to process. It’s indeed powerful reinforcement for me when he does what he does for myself or the children. When I ask myself, am I shallow or materialistic? The answer is right away no. We married when both of us were poor and built this life together. I’ve helped him with business and now it’s where it is at. Somehow, along the line he learnt about my severe poverty fears and started using it as a gas pedal. His materialistic bestows on me became a compensatory gesture for unacceptable behaviour. Somehow, I beloved that it’s all I’m worth. When my son’s disability became evident, the fate so to speak was sealed. He put every effort to provide the funds for much needed life saving therapy, and I became more tolerant towards his BPD symptoms. I did it in the “name of my don’s recovery”. Now, when I come to think of it, our relationships have never been stable. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m in the same spot I have been when my parents were divorcing. It was fear. I know this fear of abandonment. Through my children’s eyes I am afraid of him abandoning them, the same way my father abandoned me. My resources are very limited, it’s either the lawyer or the therapist. I don’t know how to cope

[snowglobe]

Is that a valid..realistic threat?

Seriously...write out exactly how you and/or your kids...and him..end up homeless.

FF

Ff,
I know that we won’t, but for me, for my trauma, not having a property under my name is equivalent of being homeless.

[formflier]

On a deeper trauma level, renting brings me back to the ptsd like state I have experienced for much of my childhood.  

Can you expand on this.  How does renting traumatize you?

FF

[formflier]

My resources are very limited, it’s either the lawyer or the therapist. I don’t know how to cope

This may be true...and we also know that people in high stress situations often create a dichotomy, when in reality there are many choices.

We are giving you lots to think about.  You have lots to think about.  Somewhere in all that find some time to evaluate if the dichotomous choice is really valid.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Can you expand on this.  How does renting traumatize you?

FF

When we came to the country I now call my home, we had to stay at odd places, due to very limited financial resources. My mother, uBPD would make money and then abandon me with equally mentally unstable family members, while she was returning to my country of origin. For all of my teenage years I had to work to buy myself the necessities, and when I came home, I was either raged on by my uBPD mother, who physically abused me. She was blaming me for the immigration move “because of you I had to come here, now I’m suffering, my lover is in another country, I work manual labour, you better be x,y,z or else”. Then she would proceed to physically beat me up. She would beat me up not to teach me any form of lesson. She did it for prolonged period of time, until she felt exhausted, kicking, slapping and punching. She then would roll off on the floor and proceed crying “look what you made me do”, and demanding for me to apologize and make her feel better.
When she would save enough money and leave to the country of origin to reunite with her lover, my (as you can probably guess) BPD grandmother and antisocial uncle would join the bandwagon of tormenting me, and saying that I’m an extra mouth to feed, my mother is a selfish wh@re you left me because she doesn’t care about me. There were too many nights to count when I would leave and stand outside of the cold and unfamiliar world, afraid to go back for more physical abuse from my mother or emotional abuse from her family of origin. I wanted to die. I was also forced to sleep in the same bed with my mother or grandmother, who, after abusing me during the day, yelled at every slightest body shift. I started wetting the bed at almost adult age. My grades slipped and I became depressed. When my mother would come back she demanded all of my attention, showing her the perfect grades. After all, in her reasoning she brought me for a better life. I started looking for social support. The few friends I made, she didn’t allow me to see, going as far as telling my boyfriend at the age of 17 if he came near me, she would charge him with rape (he was 19) unless he would marry me and assume responsibility. She went as far as going to his parents work office and making a scene there. She would allow me to talk on the phone with girlfriends either, I was supposed to entertain her. It ended the way it usually does, I was offered cannabis to cope with home troubles. Which made me more depressed. After several months of physical abuse and isolation, over the summer break, I tried to take my life... I was 17 years old... as you can imagine, I’m here. 4 moths after I met my unpdh and he “took on responsibility”. The beatings stoped. He provided consistency and order. Now you know why I flinch every time I think of rentals. I go back to those one bedroom apartments with people crammed, and the abuse flourishing

[snowglobe]

At the hospital, where first revived me back to life (non prescription pain killer overdose) they held me for mandatory 72 hrs asking why I did what I did. I was afraid to let my mom down and get her into trouble, so I took the blame as I always do. I also stayed quiet about the physical abuse, after they spoken to her, and she painted me as a difficult teenager, the releasing medical body advised her to get me help. She never did, because what if I would break down and dispel all of our family’s dirty secrets?
I never had another attempt or serious ideation about harming myself after I met uBPDh. When I recently touched on this subject with a T, she emphasized that I was pushed to the limit of my mental capacities and it was an unfortunate expected outcome of the given circumstances I was living in. That’s why I’m so afraid for my kids. What is uBPDh would push them to the edge?

[formflier]

That has to be a hard story to write.     

Point to clarify...you live with your mother and step father now...right?  Just want to clarify we are talking about the same people.

Best,

FF

[Baglady]

Dearest Snowglobe,
Hugs to you   - your backstory is so hard to read but one fact shines through - you are a survivor!  You will get through this current situation because you are far, far stronger than you even realize.
However, you seem to be currently in a new place of overwhelm and your mind is spinning in all directions.  This current situation is really tapping into some of your primal, childhood core fears and experiences and this must be incredibly frightening and destabilizing.
Maybe as a fellow immigrant, I can relate a lot to your rental/homeless dichotomy (hell - look at my BPD alias - it's not that I hoard handbags - being a baglady is one of my deepest fears)  In addition to your negative history in rentals, I think also that renting might equal insecurity in your mind.  It's not "really"' your place, it's not really "secure", it's not yours and somebody else (landlord) has control of the very place that you lay your head at night.  I think that in addition to your childhood history, you may also need to someday work through the insecurity that has been bred by your history as an immigrant which brings its own trauma.  But that's for another day...
However, the facts as I see them are that you have access to half the funds in a trust.  This is your security right now (as long as they don't get spent by your husband).  You will not be technically homeless as long as you have these funds,  you may feel emotionally homeless but that is a different situation and may very well be temporary. At the very least, I think you need to absolutely ensure that you control half these funds going forward.  Renting temporarily while you work through this crisis may be an upcoming reality for you as resistant as you are to the idea. I know it feels like dialing backwards and is reviving a lot of old history but that was the past and this is the present and your situation and your courage and strength is much stronger now and you have more control that you seem to believe.
You have a lot on your plate right now.  My heart goes out to you  
Warmly,
B

[Notwendy]

This is significant trauma. I also think you are very resilient to have come through this.

When you ask: therapist or lawyer? It's not a choice between the two. Both can offer you something important. The lawyer can show you what rights you have and how to legally protect yourself as much as possible from your husband's instability. The T can help you deal with the trauma you have gone through.

Growing up in dysfunction, it is hard to know what "normal" or not dysfunction is. You did the best you knew to do with your circumstances. I know you are worried about your kids- but they don't have your mother as a mother- they have you. A lawyer can help advise you on what you can do to protect them. Child abuse is illegal, and the law can get involved if you H abuses them.

[snowglobe]

That has to be a hard story to write.     

Point to clarify...you live with your mother and step father now...right?  Just want to clarify we are talking about the same people.

Best,

FF

Yes, Ff, we are talking about the same people. When uBPDh came into my life, the physical abuse stopped and I became an asset for the family. As long as uBPDh took financial care of me and helped the family. She hasn’t touched me, but as you know recently starting having emotional outbursts

[Cat Familiar]

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