Trying to learn that enjoying my life is not a betrayal to my mom.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello, I’m new and this is my first post. Long story short, I’m 40, and I am just realizing the severe restrictions I’ve put on my life. Since I was ten years old, I’ve felt a deep and draining sadness for my mother. I have always felt I had to take care of her. She refers to herself as a victim, but over the years I’ve realized she is more vampire than victim. The problem is so severe that I have kept myself from having a family, because she has convinced me that she needs to be my number one priority, and she is so needy.

I am just starting to realize all of this, because I have a supportive and loving spouse, and after four years of marriage, we are pursuing adoption. I want to be the best mother I can be, so that has pushed these issues to the forefront. It’s not just my desire to be a good mother, it’s the fact that I feel extreme guilt just creating a family of my own.

As my mother ages (she was older when she had me), it gets more difficult to tell fantasy from fact. She has wanted to be the victim for so long, it’s like a living nightmare of “the boy who cried wolf.”

So that’s where I am. I desperately want to extract myself from my mother’s version of reality. I want to live with vitality and feel no shame about fully embracing my life and my path. I also want to deconstruct and understand any borderline tendencies I may have adopted to coexist with my mother for all of these years. I do not want to hurt family members as she has hurt me.

I am already in therapy with a skilled therapist, but I thought it would be good to also reach out online. Any advice from those who are more experienced (have been out of denial for longer) than me is much appreciated. Thank you for this space.

[Funnygrrrl]

Hello, I’m new and this is my first post. Long story short, I’m 40, and I am just realizing the severe restrictions I’ve put on my life. Since I was ten years old, I’ve felt a deep and draining sadness for my mother. I have always felt I had to take care of her. She refers to herself as a victim, but over the years I’ve realized she is more vampire than victim. The problem is so severe that I have kept myself from having a family, because she has convinced me that she needs to be my number one priority, and she is so needy.

I am just starting to realize all of this, because I have a supportive and loving spouse, and after four years of marriage, we are pursuing adoption. I want to be the best mother I can be, so that has pushed these issues to the forefront. It’s not just my desire to be a good mother, it’s the fact that I feel extreme guilt just creating a family of my own.

As my mother ages (she was older when she had me), it gets more difficult to tell fantasy from fact. She has wanted to be the victim for so long, it’s like a living nightmare of “the boy who cried wolf.”

So that’s where I am. I desperately want to extract myself from my mother’s version of reality. I want to live with vitality and feel no shame about fully embracing my life and my path. I also want to deconstruct and understand any borderline tendencies I may have adopted to coexist with my mother for all of these years. I do not want to hurt family members as she has hurt me.

I am already in therapy with a skilled therapist, but I thought it would be good to also reach out online. Any advice from those who are more experienced (have been out of denial for longer) than me is much appreciated. Thank you for this space.

[cle216]

Welcome!

I'm 35 and a mother of two. Like your situation, my mother has portrayed herself as a victim and until recently, I believed it! It's an interesting realization to see that now when it seems so clear this whole time.

That must be very difficult dealing with the guilt your mother has put you through and delaying your own plans in life. I'm so happy for you that you are now finding ways to take care of yourself and pursue your own happiness.

As a child of a pwBPD, and becoming a parent, I find that it is important to recognize that the things I have learned from her parenting are often not the right way. But still, you may have learned how those things made you feel as a child and can do better.

I think it's great you are working with a therapist. I wonder if I should too or at least check out a local NAMI support group. I'm taking baby steps to getting myself there. I think the therapy may also be a great support as you become a mother. The reason for me being here and newly joining this site is because motherhood has made me perceive so many things differently. I'm finding myself remembering things I had forgotten or being upset about things I never was hurt by before. Now as a mother, it's hard to understand how my mother did some of the things she did (and still does). It's hard to explain, but a whole new journey through all of this.

Check out the resources under the tools section. There are lots of helpful links and information about acceptance, communication, and helpful book recommendations.

[Harri]

Hi Funnygrrrl and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us.

I think as you read and post there that you will see many of us are trying to recover from similar experiences.  I know I am and between therapy and posting here I have been able to make a lot of progress.

I too did not fully clue into my mothers illness until my mid to late 30's and I restricted my life quite a bit as well.  You are not alone.  I am very happy that you were able to pull away and are building a life with your husband!  That had to take a lot of courage and strength to do.

Anyway, I want to second what cle said about checking out the resources we have.   We have some great articles and we can discuss them here as well.  Don't underestimate the benefit from posting on line either.  while we are a peer support group a large part of our focus is on recovery and changing our own behaviors as it is quite common that we picked up some poor coping strategies.

Again,

[Turkish]

it’s the fact that I feel extreme guilt just creating a family of my own.

From where does this feeling arise?