Understanding the value of No Contact

[hotncold]

I've been no contact for two years. Before that I spent five years doing the on and off with the BPDex before I got completely fed up and cut all contact on every single social media. It's been two years that I don't even look at his social media, and I finally understand how important such absolute no contact actually is to our healing: BPDs blame others for their actions, and most of us who have codependent tendencies accept that blame. I know I did. I was raised by a mother who blamed me for everything. It keeps us hooked because we think that if we are responsible then WE can fix it. Somewhere deep down inside me I felt responsible for the actions of the pwBPD in my life.  And so, when he "replaced" me right off the bat, I felt like it was my fault, I felt pathetic, mediocre, unattractive. Why else would he leave me right? I thought If only I could be a different, more attractive person, more submissive and kind, I wouldn't be replaced. Every time he rejected and replaced me (and he did it often and with cruelty: "you are nothing to me etc" was his favourite line.) I took on that responsibility. With no contact though, there is no more him reacting to me.

He now has to find someone else to fuel his anger. No matter what choices he might make, I no longer take it personally because I am not interacting with him and can no longer blame myself for his actions. He doesn't have the power to hurt me, because I am free from assuming responsibility for his actions, I am no longer blaming myself. I would imagine that he feels pretty lost, without direction or purpose if he doesn't have someone to project his anger on, which is why he desperately needs a replacement, he needs someone to BLAME. Now that I've removed myself as the recipient of his anger, some poor soul is going to have play that game. I am free to live my life the way I want it.

[PretentiousBread]

All true, particularly hit home the simple line "BPD blame others for their actions", more specifically, they blame us for our reactions to their actions, and act like they literally committed no action at all, that we're just annoyed with them because we're angry, negative people.

Also, the hurtful comments they make are an overactive self defense mechanism, born of their inferiority complex. In reality THEY feel like the ones rejected when they sense our withdrawing from their crazy behaviour. Although you're left with an impression that you were worthless to them, it's 100% manufactured to hurt you, to protect themselves. A borderline never discards with indifference, it's always anger, either overt or covert, but anger fuels it, and fear fuels anger. The reason they discard you in such a cruel fashion is a pure power play to appear the stronger person, but it's only necessary because they feel inferior. They felt inferior when they met you and they deluded themselves into feeling superior when they discarded you, yet underneath the bravado they still resent you for your completeness, the fact that you are a whole, put together human being, something they cannot be.

Both parties feel rejected at the end of a relationship/cycle. BPD relationships really are a zero sum game.

[Harri]

Hi hotncold.   

NC is best used as a temporary state to allow us time and distance to heal.  What have you worked on during your 2 years of no contact to heal yourself so that if you were to run into your ex you would be able to withstand it with minimal to no effect?  Or to learn to manage your own tendencies so that when you are in another relationship you can manage your own reactions?

[hotncold]

The most important thing was to not blame myself for the way the BPDex behaved. Tara Brach calls it the second arrow. The first arrow is indeed someone else shooting at you but mostly this is not the most harmful. The most harmful is the second arrow which is our own self inflicted pain where we take on all the blame for what has gone wrong. I stopped with these self inflicted wounds and suddenly emerged from the fog. I also created a really strong bond with a sibling so that neither of us took on responsibility for my uBPD mother. I highly recommend Tara brach's talk on the second arrow. I realized that the most excruciating pain was self inflicted. My BPDex was a self harmer and it seems in a way so was I. I stopped it. Yes we have control over our thoughts. If I saw my BPD ex today I would expect nothing except the typical insecure and childish pushing away. It also helps that when he runs into me unexpectedly he ignores me. That used to confuse and hurt me. Today I might be relieved because it would simplify the situation.

[Turkish]

My ex left me for the perfect guy, "The One." He ended up getting it worse than I did (after a honeymoon phase far greater than mine), and a lot of that was due to him, not that it excused her behaviors. Though he was a very wounded guy also, by his childhood, from what I knew.

Suffice to say, me, him, you, (your ex and mine) are only left to work on ourselves. 

[hotncold]

I would say that there is deep satisfaction in that. I don't know how many on here have experienced "breakthrough" moments when suddenly things become clear in your mind, but those are precious. I used to feel really bad about being replaced. I took on feelings of inadequacy and it felt especially horrible because the people replacing me had nothing on me actually, at least not that was discernible and so I filled in the blanks and endowed these people with the souls of angels, with the creativity of geniuses, with the personalities of stars, with unlimited compassion and tenderness and I felt as though I had been an awful lover and instead of being proud for putting boundaries down with him, I felt I had been a poor and unjust companion. And then I realized that pain and inadequacy I felt came from me, not him. He was just getting his "basic" needs met, aka a relationship generally means shelter and security for him and a mask to hide behind.  Everything else about my not being good enough was coming from me. Of course he did nourish it. He once mentioned that his replacement had "taken care" of him, when he needed it (as opposed to me who bolted because he whipped out like 100 red flags at once one day). So he played with my own weaknesses.  And I'm not sure I could have exited that FOG if i hadn't gone no contact. I really needed to remove myself from that narrative and when I was far from my mother, far from my BPDex, and they could no longer feed me messages of inadequacy, I understood I was the one mistreating myself.

[Circle]

True, being left to work on one's self has its benefits.
I have been no-contact for a couple of years now.
The XBPD has sent me three messages the last few months.
I haven't replied.
I had to search the no-contact article on BPDfam to see if my continued reaction was right thinking.
Basically, I don't want to be swindled again.
Yet I feel 95% free of their charms.

I am questioning myself on whether I should indulge their desire to 'have lunch', as a token of kindness.
After all, I have seen other people indulge my interest in them as well.
Yet, perhaps no contact should be maintained indefinitely?
They do have a way of making nothing turn out the way you think it would.
What do you think hotncold?

[Turkish]

In the thick of "drama" or heightened emotions, my T said, "there's nothing wrong with being kind."

If I were years out with no kids or other ties, I'd feel no obligation to resume contact. Indeed, even though I love our kids to pieces, if they were not here,  I would have long ago ignored her engagement. Back in the day,  I didn't, which was our only recycle. That was my choice to re-engage after she broke up.

Do what you feel is best for you at this point. We are all free agents.

[Circle]

Thanks Turkish, I appreciate your reply.

[hotncold]

Hi I agree with Turkish. I don't think there is a right or wrong about re-engaging after nc. If you are detached you will likely see you BPDex in a different light and may likely feel very different emotions than when you were hooked. I feel like the more I detach the more I feel a mix of pity, sadness and compassion for him while also understanding he has brought most of his suffering onto himself. Also you likely should think to yourself: what's in it for me (to meet your ex)? If your gesture is somewhat self sacrificing then I would examine that in more detail. I have wondered what I would do if my BPDex contacted me for a meeting and I would likely ask that he expicilty tell me his reasons for wanting to see me (in the past his motivations were far from innocent or open). So any kind of contact I would ever have with him would involve some very strong boundaries which ultimately might make the contact not happen because he deals poorly with boundaries. He had made a request a while ago on a professional network which I refused at the time and then later when I felt ok with it changed my mind and accepted. Since he never posts there it was a "safe" place to have that "contact" which doesn't involve any interaction or even visibility from him. I guess that was my kindness. He reaches for people he has "lost" because he suffers from that loss so perhaps that contact, without costing me anything, gave him a little something to fill his void. I feel good about that very minor gesture only because no contact continues without it being a dramatic severance of all ties which is what it was for 1.5 years. Despite all the sick things that he has done I do value certain things in him and would entertain a very low contact scenario under some conditions (he has gotten help and isn't using me to triangulate with an existing relationship). Those conditions I know are highly unlikely to be achieved though so I am very content with no contact.

[Circle]

Thanks hotncold,
I appreciate your reply. Food for thought.

[Circle]

I felt that I did not want to answer their message.
I didn't.
It has been a week and I still feel good about this.
Thanks again for your support Turkish & hotncold!

[hotncold]

Hi Circle I'm glad this helped. I think you are doing exactly the right thing: listening to and respecting yourself. 

[NorseWoman]

Its been NC for 3 months now.
Today would have been 2 years since first meeting my xBPD.
I planned to block the phone today.
I got a text a few minutes ago from the ex. I didn't act soon enough.
I want to respond, just to be nice. I have not yet, instead I came here to read about NC despite being on earlier b4 the text.
I realize that my ex is trying to hook me again.

[hotncold]

Hi Norsewoman! Good for you for coming here to think about what to do. I would say revisit the reasons you had for blocking the person. Are they still there? If so why are you not doing it? Do you have certain expectations/hopes if you resume contact? Do you feel guilty if you don't respond to their message? My last message to my BPDex when I went 100% block was: I don't deserve to be treated this way. Those words I don't regret. I told him that the way he discards me was painful and I was no longer willing to ensure the repeated discards that he put me through. In a way it meant accepting him: he can't stop discarding, and me: the discard is hugely painful and I no longer want to endure. I accept that neither he nor I can change on these fronts and therefore no contact is the best way for me to end the cycle.  I have not for one second regreted those words or the no contact.
Good luck and remember nothing bad can happen if you accept and respect your limitations and theirs.