This whole thing is a mess

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello World,

My wife cheated on me last year. Since then we've separated and I've been in my own therapy and working on myself. My therapist and my children's therapist both suggested to me that my wife had BPD. I asked for information regarding it so that I would at least me able to communicate with my wife/stbx for the sake of the kids. Well, figuring things out now, once my wife came to me in a more lucid state and informed her what I thought was going on and gave her the symptoms sheet that I had for BPD. Sure enough, she said it was like looking at her life on paper.

Anyway, my wife initially cheated on me with a 4 month long emotional affair followed by a physical affair involving unprotected sex. Once we separated, of course the affair continued. Every other week/weekend(when the kids were with me), she would drive to another state 5 hours away for her new favorite person(learning the lingo). This went on for a couple months until she eventually came to me and informed me that the relationship turned abusive and whatever else.

During the  months that we were separated, I noticed myself coming out of this fog and started seeing things clearly. I realized how draining it was taking care of my wife. I literally spent all of my time catering to her "needs". I started seeing that I spent so much time trying to help her that the kids were being put on the back burner more than they should have been. I was put on the back burner more than I should have been. I eventually went to a doctor and found that the "heart attacks" that I was having and going to the ER for were panic attacks, I was in so much pain from spinal arthritis(I'm only 30), and I was in kidney failure. In fact, I was able to narrow down when the splitting started to happen. I was going to bed early after work because I was in so much pain and she was having to pick up my slack around the house. I was in the position, for the first time in our over a decade long marriage, to need her help and need to be cared for. Instead of doing that she decided it was time to find her new favorite person that wasn't broken.

I learned a lot about myself overall and went through a lot of healing. I'm torn. I know her better than anyone, even herself, and I do care for her and we also have 2 children as well. I feel that since there is a diagnosis and she is now aware of what she is doing or why she is doing things that it wouldn't be quite as stressful for me at that at least we would be able to deal with this together. The issue is that while I do miss her and miss our family being together etc., I no longer trust her or respect her. It's the trust and respect that I consider real love. Is this something that can be regained?

[allthefeels5050]

Hello World,

My wife cheated on me last year. Since then we've separated and I've been in my own therapy and working on myself. My therapist and my children's therapist both suggested to me that my wife had BPD. I asked for information regarding it so that I would at least me able to communicate with my wife/stbx for the sake of the kids. Well, figuring things out now, once my wife came to me in a more lucid state and informed her what I thought was going on and gave her the symptoms sheet that I had for BPD. Sure enough, she said it was like looking at her life on paper.

Anyway, my wife initially cheated on me with a 4 month long emotional affair followed by a physical affair involving unprotected sex. Once we separated, of course the affair continued. Every other week/weekend(when the kids were with me), she would drive to another state 5 hours away for her new favorite person(learning the lingo). This went on for a couple months until she eventually came to me and informed me that the relationship turned abusive and whatever else.

During the  months that we were separated, I noticed myself coming out of this fog and started seeing things clearly. I realized how draining it was taking care of my wife. I literally spent all of my time catering to her "needs". I started seeing that I spent so much time trying to help her that the kids were being put on the back burner more than they should have been. I was put on the back burner more than I should have been. I eventually went to a doctor and found that the "heart attacks" that I was having and going to the ER for were panic attacks, I was in so much pain from spinal arthritis(I'm only 30), and I was in kidney failure. In fact, I was able to narrow down when the splitting started to happen. I was going to bed early after work because I was in so much pain and she was having to pick up my slack around the house. I was in the position, for the first time in our over a decade long marriage, to need her help and need to be cared for. Instead of doing that she decided it was time to find her new favorite person that wasn't broken.

I learned a lot about myself overall and went through a lot of healing. I'm torn. I know her better than anyone, even herself, and I do care for her and we also have 2 children as well. I feel that since there is a diagnosis and she is now aware of what she is doing or why she is doing things that it wouldn't be quite as stressful for me at that at least we would be able to deal with this together. The issue is that while I do miss her and miss our family being together etc., I no longer trust her or respect her. It's the trust and respect that I consider real love. Is this something that can be regained?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear 5050-

Welcome to our world.  Although I’m sorry for what brings you here, I am glad you’ve found our community.  You’ll find lots of people who’ve walked in your shoes... you are most definitely NOT alone in your experience.

When you say your wife has been diagnosed, I get that based on your experience with her behaviors your T has provided you with the BPD diagnostic criteria (the “list”).  But has your W seen a T who has directly diagnosed her?  No matter really.  The important thing is the hurtful behaviors and how your W approaches changing and improving those behaviors.  You have no control over that.

From your post, it seems that you are still separated, is that correct?  You describe her as your “wife/ Stbx”.  Are you in the process of divorce, or are things in limbo from a legal standpoint?

There is a LOT happening in your life.  A LOT.  Here is my take.  Adult love is NOT unconditional.  We don’t purposely place conditions on love, but when certain elements of our love are deeply violated, a ton of work needs to be done by the person who betrayed the trust.  The person needs to earn back that respect.  Your W betrayed not only you, but your children as well.  There are a lot of amends to be made.  And she’s got to be willing to do the work, to be self-reflective enough to heal herself, to NOT blame you for her mistakes.  She’s got to grow up, and that will take time and effort.

You state at the end of your post that you consider trust and respect to be key components of real love.  I agree wholeheartedly.  You ask if trust and respect can be regained.  In time you’ll know if she’s putting in the effort required to earn your trust and respect.

Her BPD traits should NOT be used as an “excuse” for the bad behavior she’s engaged in.  One positive is that she seems to have accepted a diagnosis (so far), but this could change.  My caution to you is to NOT accept blame for what SHE has done.

Chances are very good that you’re a natural caretaker.  But right now, your primary goal must be to engage in Self-Care.  The only thing within your control is you... so take care of you; it will serve you well to be at your strongest and happiest for yourself and your children.  You deserve great happiness and health.

And yes, communication with your wife, whether you stay together or don’t is important for your children, plus minimal conflict is vital to your health.  Look at the Tools section and spend some time reading through the different communication tools.  Learn to NOT “JADE” (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain); read about Reducing Conflict; Validation; SET.  There is a wealth of information here to help you.

Surround yourself with supportive people.  Friends and family.  Use care not to become isolated.  This is part of Self-Care.  Find out what foods have anti-inflammatory qualities (for arthritis) and consume them!  Take an active role in your healing.

Finally, please understand that you cannot “fix” your wife or “love her to wellness”.  You did not cause her illness.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

hi allthefeels, and

I feel that since there is a diagnosis and she is now aware of what she is doing or why she is doing things that it wouldn't be quite as stressful for me at that at least we would be able to deal with this together.

i have a few questions to help all of us get a better sense for your circumstances.

is the affair over? is reconciliation on the table from her end? is she in therapy, and if so, do you know what sort?

[allthefeels5050]

"But has your W seen a T who has directly diagnosed her?"

Yes she has been diagnosed by a therapist at this point.

"From your post, it seems that you are still separated, is that correct?  You describe her as your “wife/ Stbx”.  Are you in the process of divorce, or are things in limbo from a legal standpoint?"

While we are still separated at this point, the divorce has been put on hold(I filed initially). I just wanted to take that added stress away so that she could focus on getting the help that she needs.

"is the affair over? is reconciliation on the table from her end? is she in therapy, and if so, do you know what sort?"

So in my opinion, the affair isn't over until all contact is broken. While she did inform him that she wouldn't be involved with him anymore because it wasn't healthy, they are still friends on social media and she does keep getting texts from him asking why or for more information, etc(ongoing now for about 3 weeks). After multiple conversations, everything including reconciliation is on the table. She is in therapy. I know the therapist is DBT friendly and there is also a DBT group that meets weekly here in town that she plans to join as well.

[Butane]

Hello World,

My wife cheated on me last year.

During the  months that we were separated, I noticed myself coming out of this fog and started seeing things clearly. I realized how draining it was taking care of my wife. I literally spent all of my time catering to her "needs".

 I know her better than anyone, even herself, and I do care for her and we also have 2 children as well. I feel that since there is a diagnosis and she is now aware of what she is doing or why she is doing things that it wouldn't be quite as stressful for me at that at least we would be able to deal with this together. The issue is that while I do miss her and miss our family being together etc., I no longer trust her or respect her. It's the trust and respect that I consider real love. Is this something that can be regained?

Hi Allthefeels5050,

My H (PTSD and some strong BPD traits) also cheated last year. One person, multiple restarts. Lies upon lies, then revelation after revelation. 

I also have described myself as "coming out of a fog and finally seeing things clearly". The longer I go without contact, the more I realize his thought processes and behaviours are so strange. At this point, I vacillate between feeling hatred towards him for destroying our family, and pity for his suffering.

I miss our family so much, BUT I do see that my household is a lot more stable when he is not here. I also catered to his needs a lot. And I didn't mind doing that, as long as in exchange I get loyalty and truthfulness. But deceit is soul crushing.

In the end, you can only work on things if she wants to. And since pwBPDtraits are inconsistent, well, it is difficult. My H and I were in couples therapy, and even the kids were seeing a therapist, and he STILL restarted his affair.