I love her but I am afraid that we both suffer from BPD

[MVJRMJ]

My Fiance/Girlfriend/Ex-Girlfriend and I both suffer from BPD.  We have one of the most volatile relationships I have ever been a part of.  When things are good they are better then I ever could have hoped for.  She is the most intelligent, charming, interesting, kind, loving and beautiful women I have ever met.  We connect on every level.  The problem is that our triggers/reactions are so conflicting that when one of us triggers it provokes the other and we escalate so quickly that neither one of us seems able to stop the cycle of abuse. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome! 

It certainly sounds like you both have some challenges to deal with.    Dealing with our own triggers while being with someone who is triggered at the same time is so difficult.  Are both of you in treatment?  DBT? 

Can you tell us in more detail what happens when you both are dysregulating?

We do have a pdf that is DBT skills called Distress Tolerance Skills that you might find useful along with a discussion on the topic here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331665.0

See what you think and then we can talk a bit more.

Again,

[MVJRMJ]

I recently joined a DBT group and she is actually a DBT therapist.  I find that the group is helping me very much.  I was in an inpatient program for a week prior due to a self harm event.  For me my greatest trigger seems to be abandonment.  When she feels threatened which happens often due to trauma she cuts all communication.

[once removed]

hi MVJRMJ,

I recently joined a DBT group and she is actually a DBT therapist.  I find that the group is helping me very much.

how recently? in what ways are you seeing improvement?

[MVJRMJ]

Today is my third week.  I have been studying DBT for a while now though.  It's funny, she has also spent a lot of time "teaching" me how to talk, listen to and understand her.  At first this was difficult and frustrating but in time it has been extremely helpful not just for us but in helping me understand so much more about my own issues.  I have struggled with my disorders my entire life but I spent 31 years "medicating" myself with alcohol.  I got sober about three years ago and would be celebrating 3 years of continuous sobriety this month if it weren't for a dangerous relapse this winter that resulted in two suicide attempts and hospitalizations.  Being involved with someone that suffers from similar mental health issues as I do has at time been very challenging but at other times has been the most validating experience I have had in my entire life.  For anyone else in a similar situation please feel free to reach out.  It is not an easy position to be in.  She is an extremely intelligent and insightful woman so I want to do whatever possible to try to make this work.