Examples of the kaleidoscope shifting? Do you feel BP too? Does the fog lift?

[Butane]

Hi all,

I am hoping for more specific examples of your pwBP's behaviour. I find I learn best from concrete examples, and, to be honest, it would make me feel better to see that others are experiecing similar crazy-making behaviour...

I will start. My H, PTSD with BPD traits...

ex. never learned to make friends among peers; he always tries but ends up coming on too strong and the friendship cools. I have heard it said about him "he shows up where he's not wanted" and that he "acts like my buddy but we're not buddies". He has felt rejected a lot by this.

ex. his mistress told me (long story) that after she broke up with him, he surprise! showed up naked in her bed a few days later

Also, do you feel like the sand is shifting under your feet?
That you are looking into a kaliedascope that keeps getting shaken and then re-oriented?
That things seem "OK" or "acceptable" but that when you step back and look more objectively, you realize that's not true?
Or that when you confide in a friend or therapist, that you are told in no uncertain terms that what you are experiencing is NOT normal?   

Thanks!

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[Butane]

I'm going to add a few examples.

Ex. In the morning, I make us a French press of coffee, nice coffee with expensive beans. If I make it and he doesn't want it, it goes to waste. But if I ask if he'd like coffee (in a friendly way) he gets irritated that I asked since I "should know" he usually wants coffee.

Ex. He says that I should get my nails done, as it is sexy and I deserve it. But when I texted him a picture of my nails with a romantic/racy comment, he replied that I was "insincere".

Ex. One morning were sitting close holding hands talking. I had done my hair and makeup very attractively and asked him if he thought I looked nice (I did!). He said I should wear makeup. I pointed out that I WAS wearing foundation, blush, eye liner, brow pencil, eye shadow, mascara and lipstick! His response was that eye shadow should be sparkly... my makeup wasn't obvious enough. He was displeased that I didn't look like a clown...

Ex. I made a nice dinner, and he refused to eat his turkey, telling the kids that I hadn't made enough... he would wait until they ate their meat, and if they didn't get enough he would give them his. I explained that the portion of turkey in the freezer was small, but that we had lots of side dishes, plus a snack tray after dinner if anyone has still hungry. He continued to play the role of martyr, giving me pained and displeased looks.

These were all small incidents, but left me questioning my sanity. I try to please him, but nothing pleases him.

[sweetheart]

Hello Butane,

I’m going to counter each of your examples in a way that I hope gives you food for thought about how to feel better in yourself when situations arise like this in the future. (And they will. 

1.So for me with the coffee, I would either make the coffee anticipating that my SO is on his way to join me,, whilst also accepting  that it might be wasted. And that’s ok.
If I was continuing to struggle with the expensive coffee being wasted, I would only make coffee for myself and tell my SO why if he asks.

2. Is it usual for your SO to be complimentary about the way you look, is this a regular part of your relationship?

3. The turkey scenario is a situation where using tools of validation and agreement  you could turn this in to a positive.
‘Oh yes you’re right there is only a small amount of turkey, that’s really sweet of you to put the kids first. Hopefully I’ve made enough side dishes and snacks so we all feel full, and there’s no need for you to go without.’

Dealing with BPD or its traits in our SO’s is all about learning the skills to help them feel soothed and not attacked.
Yes this does put all the onus on you to change and do the work, but it can help to make you feel less sidelined and hopefully not having to question your sanity all the time.

I know you asked for examples of similar from others relationships, but ultimately we all have similar scenarios to the ones you have posed. That’s why we are here.

Have you looked and started reading the tools and skills need to improve your relationship yet?

[Butane]

"Hello Butane,

I know you asked for examples of similar from others relationships, but ultimately we all have similar scenarios to the ones you have posed. That’s why we are here."

Hi Sweetheart,

I read the above about all the members having "similar scenarios" to the ones I wrote. I feel incredulous, I guess, because I just can't believe it yet. The weird things he says really have a cause that ISN'T me? I have deeply internalized his comments over the years. Maybe I have a hard time because his personality isn't like the extreme "obvious" type many partners here deal with.

"Have you looked and started reading the tools and skills need to improve your relationship yet?"

I have. I have been doing many of them and he has said he has "seen a small amount of positive change". In the longer ago past, I used to reason either him, or worse, argue/be defensive.
 
I guess I need validation a lot right now. Interactions with him are so confusing as I can never seem to meet his expectations. In fact, he often will tell me through Guitard teeth that I didn't meet his expectations, or that I didn't respond the way he needs/wants. I'm not a black and white thinker, but he us NEVER satisfied!