I hope that you really can teach and old dog new tricks

[foxybluejay]

I came to this website last night from Welcome to Oz and I'm glad for the referral.

I recently started seeing a therapist because our adult daughter (diagnosed bi-polar) has withdrawn from any relationship with her dad and myself and blames me (not so much her dad) for everything wrong in her life. The heartbreak was so intense (after a traumatic event with one of her children), I decided to see a counselor myself. She suggested that my daughter might be BPD and recommended I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. I've been making a lot of mistakes: taking everything personally, defending myself which just makes her angrier, and getting drawn into no-win discussions which are always texts and emails because she doesn't answer the phone. I want to develop strategies and communication tools that help to not make the situation worse and offer some hope of improvement.

After the first session with the therapist, I had two especially helpful statements to repeat to myself. "Cool your jets!" and "Stop taking things personally." I hope when my buttons get pushed by my daughter (and anyone else for that matter) that I will remember to repeat these things to myself and not go into blast off mode. "Shut up for now" is another order I'm determined to give myself. If my engine is overheated I don't want to explode and send flames everywhere. I hope that you really can teach and old dog new tricks -- tricks that will help heal a badly wounded relationship.
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello [ b]FoxyBlueJay[/b]
I am happy to meet you although sorry for the circumstances. You have definitely come to the right place for help and support as you learn new communication skills to improve your relationship with your daughter. I think it is great you are in therapy and learning new skills there. This can be an extra layer of support. We are all in this together. What else can you tell us about your daughter? How old is she? What is she doing that leads you to suspect she may have BPD? hugs  

[Huat]

Hello and welcome, Foxybluejay

I am one of those "old dogs" who has learned "new tricks."  It took me a long, long time but better late than never.

I, too, have an adult daughter who many times over the years has withdrawn from any relationships with us.  We are currently in a 2-year stand-off...others have been longer.  In the early years when we would also lose contact with our precious, little grandchildren,  the heartache was excruciating.

Same as you, our daughter blames me for all her woes in life while her father, in her eyes, is her hero.  With that said, it has always been me she has run to when she needed help...not her father.  Consequently we have had times of friction in our marriage.

I applaud you in that you are seeing a therapist.  It took me a long time to do that.  When I did, though, it was life-changing for me.  I needed someone who listened, understood and validated me.  It was life-changing when I found this forum...the support and validation I get here reinforces the one-on-one I had with the counsellor.

When in one of her rages, our daughter's mode of communication is emails.  My heart starts to pound when I go on my computer and see her name.  I know what I will read will not be to my favour.  

One of the more important "new tricks" I have learned here is not to JADE.  That is...do not...Justify-Argue-Deny-Explain.  That is when I would get into one of those "no-wins."   Mind you, even though I will now just answer her emails with comments like..."I love you"...her rage seems to escalate.

"Stop taking things personally"...for sure!  I played the role of Victim opposite my daughter's role of Bully for so long.  She found my buttons, pushed them and I reacted.  Certainly there was no need for her to change.  All was up to me.

Once again, welcome Foxybluejay.  Hope you stay.  Hope you take the time to explore this website...feel your way around...read the posts...jump in to respond when the spirit moves you...keep sharing what is going on in your life with this "challenging" daughter of yours.  Many times it has given me great comfort to put my fingers on the keyboard and pour out my heart and my hurts...writing thoughts that I have not been able to share with friends/relatives.

From one Mom to another...a ((HUG)

Huat

[foxybluejay]

Thank you for the support. We have a big family and our daughter is one of the younger ones. She has several children herself, the oldest a young adult who committed suicide last year. We had no idea of the stuggle going on because she cut us out of her life for so long and we hardly ever saw them. It was the therapist who suggested she was BPD. She's being treated as bi-polar. I actually used the term "walking on egg shells" and the therapist recommended the book. When I began to read it I kept nodding my head. I think our daughter is probably high functioning BPD. At this point she will not let our grandchildren come to our house. I'm not sure she will let us see them at all. She said she would at one point but hasn't responded when we try to set something up. They are too young for us to have a relationship without their parents' involvement. I write to them and send occasional messages since they have phones, but we haven't seen them since Christmas even though we live only an hour away. We are grateful that we have other children and grandchildren, but there is a lot of enabling going on particularly from daughters-in-law. I can't say anything at this point to any of them because our daughter tells everyone that all I do is criticize and bash her. And they talk to her I'm afraid in a way that doesn't help. I know she's grieving and dealing with her own demons. I don't want to make things worse. For my own peace of mind I try not to say anything about her to anyone but the therapist and my husband. But it's creating a lot of stress in our family because she has demonized several of her siblings along with us. Her family does not come to family gatherings so even the grandchildren who all love each other are impacted and in grief over this and ask why they can't see their cousins. I pray for her every day and try not to be bitter over the way she's treated us. She would gladly have a relationship with her dad, if she could do it without me. That won't happen, but it has stressed our marriage. I'm trying to stop letting my grief over her behavior control my life.

[livednlearned]

It sounds like there is triangulation going on with other relatives, and you are wisely trying to close that loop.

Sometimes those channels can make it feel like there is active contact when in reality there is little to none, at least directly between you and your daughter.

How long has there been no contact?

Has it happened before? 

[foxybluejay]

We last saw her and the children at Christmas. I've written the children a few letters. They don't respond so I don't even know if they get them. We've had a few email and message exchanges with our daughter that ended badly -- the last one for me was several months ago. She did have an email exchange recently with her dad that she initiated. It started out okay, but ended badly with her affirming him and attacking me and saying the children could not come out to our house. He may try to see if she will let us take them out near her, but hasn't decided how to approach it. At the suggestion of the therapist I'm taking a break from saying anything about her even to my husband as much as I can. That has made me feel a little less wrapped around a pole every day, but I'm still conflicted about it. It makes me think of the scene in Fiddler on the Roof when Tevye rejects his youngest daughter after she marries a Christian.