At the hospital now

[stolencrumbs]

My wife sent me pictures of her cut wrists and the rug on fire. Called 911 and went over there. Lots of stuff broken. Holes in walls. An empty bottle of champagne. Ativan bottle. Razors on the burnt rug. Her wrists were bloody and she’d smeared blood all over her face. Dogs are fine. House is fine. Police were very nice. Because she had injuries, EMS came. So she got an ambulance ride to the hospital. Haven’t spoken with anyone yet. As most of you know, this is something I had massive reservations about. My wife laid on the guilt right before she left. Told me she just needed me to come over and be with her. And that I’d just killed her because next time she’d use a gun. Anyway, that’s my night so far. Hoping for the best, whatever that means at this point.

[babyducks]

I'm very sorry stolencrumbs.

try to get something decent to eat and maybe some sleep.   be gentle with yourself and remember your self care.

'ducks

[stolencrumbs]

She’s been involuntarily committed. No beds at the psych hospital, so she’ll be in the ER for some period of time, then moved somewhere else in the hospital, then to psych hospital when a bed opens, which could be 24 hours or longer.

I just left to come take care of the dogs. Apparently I can visit around the clock until she goes to the psych hospital, and that is what my wife told me she expected. I was to check on the dogs and come right back, since I did this (her words.) I don’t feel any better about all of this.

[babyducks]

Guilt is a terrible weapon.

You didn't do this.   

Think carefully about her expectations of visiting.     Take care of yourself first.

Have you notified any one else of the situation?    Family?    Employer?

[Cat Familiar]

I"m so sorry, stolencrumbs. You did the right thing. It may not feel like it now. But perhaps she can get the help she so desperately needs.

[Notwendy]

that is what my wife told me she expected

But what is the best for her, or for you?

People can want/expect what they want, but it may not be in their best interest to provide this ( or in your ability to).

An alcoholic may expect/want their partner to bring them a drink, but is this the best thing to do for them? Sometimes the best thing for a person is also what makes them angry and disappointed when they don't get it.

You didn't cause this. Not meeting an expectation or want that your wife has did not cause this. Mentally healthy people face disappointments too, but they don't do things like this. Seriously mentally ill people do things like this. Thankfully your wife didn't harm herself worse, and now she is in professional hands.

IMHO- let the mental health professionals manage this, decide on treatments and visitations. You can also decide how much visitation is good for you as well. As tough as this is, she is getting the help she needs.

[GaGrl]

From your previous postings, it appeared that a incident serious enough for a 911 response was inevitable.

You need sleep and food right now. It probably is not in your wife's best interest for you to be there. She cannot self-soothe, and she is wanting you to be there so she can soothe by discharging her emotions o to you.

The mental health professionals need to observe her behaviors as they are without external interference.

[stolencrumbs]

Hopefully it will be better when she gets to psych hospital. There’s no professional care right now. There was a teleconference evaluation, and now it’s just a nurse standing watch as we wait for a bed to open. So she’s in a completely dark room with a guard nurse outside the door. This is someone who routinely says she feels trapped and like prisoner. I get the protocols, but this does not seem at all helpful.

I’m back at home to get her some clothes before she is transferred. Really hope that happens soon.

[Cat Familiar]

This is the first time, apparently, that she's had consequences to her behavior. Look at the big picture, rather than the minute by minute experience.

As you know, she could have hurt many people with her behavior. Had she started a bigger fire, it could have imperiled your neighbors and first responders.

You've tried managing her mental illness. It's progressed way further than what a non-professional should be dealing with.

She made the choice to do what she did. Now she must accept the consequences. Perhaps this is what it will take for her to get better.

[GaGrl]

Also, your wife has depended on you to keep her behaviors "secret" -- now the light is shined on her, and she (and you) can't keep her mental health problems a secret any more.

Perhaps this can take some of the pressure and stress off you -- you can't be her psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, repairman/handyman, etc. at the level you have been caregiving. The medical and mental health needs are above your expertise.

[babyducks]

Seems like attempts to manage life so it fits within your wife's comfort zone hasn't produced much progress.

Is there something you can do for yourself to help minimize your discomfort with the process?

It is a process,   not perfect to be sure,  but it opens the door to help if your wife can accept it.

Stay the course.   

[Enabler]

Stolencrumbs,

You have been very brave but done the right thing. Well done and my thoughts are with you and your wife at this time.

Enabler

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Stolencrumbs-

I’m really sorry.  I’ve followed your story and sadly am not surprised that she took this step and forced your hand.  I think think deep down she knew you’d have to get outside help for her.  She’ll fight against you, and deny she needs help, but she knows she needs it.  You understand that you cannot control her behaviors in any way, shape or form.  None of this is your fault.  None of it.

Did any of the first responders hear her threat to use a gun next time?  Please be sure to report that threat to the psyche team.  No more secrets...

Take good care of yourself.  I hope your W gets the intensive long-term in-patient treatment she needs.  That’s the best hope for both of you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Enabler]

No more secrets...

What do those with experience feel the best policy is with regards to putting the self harm and suicide threat history in the hands of the professionals at this juncture? Are they likely to want to speak to Stolencrumbs as part of their assessment, should he look to complete the picture? 

Enabler

[stolencrumbs]

Seems like attempts to manage life so it fits within your wife's comfort zone hasn't produced much progress.

Is there something you can do for yourself to help minimize your discomfort with the process?

It is a process,   not perfect to be sure,  but it opens the door to help if your wife can accept it.

Stay the course.    

Thanks ‘ducks. As usual, you’ve nailed it, especially the first paragraph. She is still, sitting in a locked ward of the ER, trying to get me to manage the process to better suit her. She wants me to find a patient advocate for her (I’m not doing that) because she believes she should be re-evaluated and released with a pinky promise that she’ll get help. And, of course, this is all unnecessary on her view, and all my fault. Another thing I’ve done to her. I guess this is common, but she is so very smart in so many ways, yet has such a very large blind spot when it comes to self-reflection.

I’m a mess right now. Definitely need sleep. And I am done with secrets.

Oh, and massive thanks to all of you. The support means so much right now.

[I Am Redeemed]

Good move not letting her talk you into getting out of treatment. My ex did the "pinky promise" thing when he was hospitalized after taking an overdose of aspirin and drinking a bottle of nail polish remover. He stayed two days in the ICU, and then signed a "no harm" contract promising not to harm himself and to seek follow-up treatment through the hospital's mental health center. He didn't. There were no more outright self-harm attempts, but he continued to engage in risky substance abuse that could have resulted in death at any time.

I believe you said your wife was seeing a T at one time. Does the T know about this latest incident?

Hugs to you,   

Redeemed

[Gemsforeyes]

Perhaps you can make a promise to yourself.  Tonight, early tonight.  Your W will be under the watchful and protective eyes of others.  You can take your 2 dogs and go find a nice quiet, clean motel room with a big TV and cool A/C.  You can take a long, hot shower; order room service, take the dogs for a walk and get a sound night’s sleep with your cell phone OFF.

You have earned a night’s sleep in peaceful, clean surroundings.  This one thing at the very least, wouldn’t you agree?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[stolencrumbs]

Perhaps you can make a promise to yourself.  Tonight, early tonight.  Your W will be under the watchful and protective eyes of others.  You can take your 2 dogs and go find a nice quiet, clean motel room with a big TV and cool A/C.  You can take a long, hot shower; order room service, take the dogs for a walk and get a sound night’s sleep with your cell phone OFF.

You have earned a night’s sleep in peaceful, clean surroundings.  This one thing at the very least, wouldn’t you agree?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

You haven’t met my dogs! Peaceful and unfamiliar surroundings do not go together with those two. I guess I’m going to clean broken things that were thrown down the stairs and sleep in the basement tonight. Should be better than the office. And the dogs are cuddle whores, so that’ll be nice.

[babyducks]

Ohhhh I am guessing this isn't really a blind spot or lack of self reflection.

You know the phrases 'lack of sense of self'  and 'unstable identity ' ?      Well seems like she created an identity for herself all around you being completely in charge of her happiness or unhappiness.

You've taken a brave step.  You are doing fine.     You've done all you can for today.     Time to get food, sleep and some peace and quiet.

I'm thinking of you.

[GaGrl]

She may be smart, but she is extremely low-functioning.  Don't confuse her intelligence with ability to function in the world.

[Gemsforeyes]

Cuddling up with your dogs is probably just what you need.  Cell phone off.

After you’ve gotten what will hopefully be a long and good night’s sleep, or maybe 2, or a week, the FOG may begin to clear for you.  You may see things in a whole new light than you do today.   You’ve likely been sleep-deprived for eons. 

You may want to re-read the information on FOG when your mind is better rested and you’re feeling up to it.  Are you off from teaching now for the summer (I think you’re connected to a university...)?

Please take care of yourself, SC.
Gems

[AskingWhy]

SC, I am so sorry this is happening.  All of the posts above are very wise.

I second what Baby Ducks said about your not doing this.   Your W is majorly FOGing you.

You need self care now while you W gets the care she needs.  Your dogs also need you. 

   

[formflier]

Stolencrumbs

   

I'm very proud of you for following through.

I know someone else (I think ducks) already said it...Guilt is a terrible weapon. 

Self care is the antidote. 

Solid work on not "fixing the process" for her.  Once you get some sleep, we can coach you on dealing with professionals. 

Broadly speaking...let them know everything you can think of...trust them to sort it out.  Ask questions.

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

She's still trying very hard to get me to fix the process. And the process does suck. She is still at the hospital waiting for a bed to open in the psych hospital. That's over thirty hours of just sitting in one room, with no assessment, treatment, etc. That's not good for anybody. At the moment, there is no professional for her or me to even talk to.

She called this morning. The tactic this morning was to apologize, promise to never do anything like that again, promise to seek treatment, and promise that things would be better if she could just come home. When I didn't jump on board the let-me-do-everything-I-can-do-to-get-you-out-of-here-asap train, she sarcastically said "thanks a lot for caring so much about me. I won't forget this." Well, okay. Grateful that there is an enforced limit on our contact right now. I suck at sticking to things, but I think I'm much better if I'm not being hit over the head with it all the time. I don't like the process, but I'm not going to try to manage it. I probably would have a few months ago.

[Enabler]

Well done Stolencrumbs, this certainly sounds like it sucks for everyone, hospitals are soul destroying places for most people but even more so when you're not seeing any sign of treatment.

Her treatment needs are not for you to determine, please remember that for you own conscience. You are not trained and not professionally competent to determine what is in her best interests and what isn't.

How do you respond to her attempts to get you to rescue her?

Guys, what would the advisable response be in this interaction to maintain neutrality?

Enabler

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337035.0