Upcoming Wedding

[Sister64]

Hi,  My youngest sister possibly has BPD.  I had never heard of this disorder before, but I started seeing a therapist because the sister (we'll call her "J") has gotten increasingly verbally abusive towards me over the last 10 years or so.  I spend maybe 1 week a year with J.  She lives in a different state about 3 days drive from here. Mostly, I have enjoyed our time together, but last summer, she had one of her tantrum meltdowns on me.  The was the first time she attacked me on a personal level.  She said I was a horrible person who did not deserve to be treated with any kindness whatsoever and that her entire family felt that way about me.  In the past her screaming fits were about things I had done that she didn't like (e.g. turning on music she didn't like, not being helpful enough with dinner prep, stuff like that).  Or, just throwing out casual cruel remarks at me, referring to me as unimportant or nobody.  I did not know what to do.  For the last 5 years or so, friends that know her (from our hometown from when we were kids) warned me she might have depression because she sleeps so much and that it might be menopause related. J is 57. I've been trying to tread carefully because of the rash of suicides of famous people with depression and I don't want to provoke anything. I really don't have a clue how to act around someone like that, so that's why I was asking for help. Anyway, at the end of our last session, the therapist pointed out that she can't diagnose anyone she has not talked to, but it sounds like J might possibly have Borderline Personality Disorder. She recommended a couple of books and I have now read "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  A lot of the stuff in that book fits, but I wouldn't know how J behaves on a daily basis or if she has any fear of abandonment. She certainly doesn't fear being abandoned by me.  I'm pretty sure that nothing would make her happier than to never see me again.  I kind of wish I could accommodate that..

 So, what I am asking for advice on now is the upcoming wedding of our nephew (we have a middle sister and her son is the one getting married).  I have not spoken to J since her meltdown last summer.  When I finally got a smartphone 2 years ago, J texted me and said I should use texting rather than calling her so she doesn't have to waste time talking to me.  I used to call her on her birthday and a couple of other times during the year, but no more.  I had not realized how much she did not enjoy those calls.  We have exchanged a few texts during the past year, but they were group texts including the middle sister and not initiated by me.  So, at the wedding, I found out from the middle sister  that I will be seated with J and her family for the rehearsal dinner, the wedding and the reception.  Ugh.  I really don't think the rest of her family really hates me, though.  By the way, I have no family of my own - something J loves to remind me of when she is telling me about how important she is and what a nobody I am.  She says "I have a family and you don't!  I have a really important job and you don't!"  She is a kindergarten TA.  I am retired, but I used to be an electronics engineer.  Anyway, I had brought her son on 2 backpacking trips when he was a teenager, plus we went whitewater rafting, mountain biking and sea kayaking.  I don't think he hates me, but I could be wrong.  I took her daughter to France for 2 weeks when she was a teenager. This included a week in Paris.  I did this to try to build a relationship with the younger generation and thought it would be better than giving them a bunch of gifts they wouldn't like for their birthdays. But I could be wrong. Anyway, these kids (now age 30 and 27) will be at the wedding.  So, two weeks ago, J's husband contacted me about us all getting together before the rehearsal dinner.  I suggested my campsite (at a park about a half hour from the wedding venue) since I will have lots of space and a lake view.  He said that sounded good and he would ask J about it whenever he can catch her awake. (She is usually either at work or asleep - not much in between).  He wrote back a couple of days later and said she liked the idea and was looking forward to it. I am nervous about this encounter.  About 5 years ago, I witnessed her having a tantrum meltdown on her husband and her daughter - the two people she cares most about in the world.  They just took it in stride and the next day everyone acted like nothing had happened.  I got the impression this had happened before and they were used to it.  I am pretty sure I will be expected to act like nothing ever happened.  And I will do my best, but it feels awkward. I don't want to trigger any screaming fits from her that could disrupt the wedding or the festivities around it.  I'd prefer to minimize the risk of pissing her off by mainly talking to her husband and kids, but that could set her off, too.  Walking on eggshells...  On the outside chance that they invite me to come and visit later on, I figured I would come up with a plausible excuse if the invite comes before the wedding and reception, but if it comes on Sunday when they are heading back home, I might say that everyone deserves to be treated with courtesy and respect, including me and that if she can't do that, then the answer is not no, but HELL NO.  This would be setting limits and boundaries...  But then on the other hand, maybe just simple pure avoidance would be the way to go.  I probably wouldn't really have to deal with her much except for at the rare occasional wedding or funeral.  But then again, she is my sister and I do care about her even if she treats me like dirt some of the time.  But I do not like being treated like dirt and verbally abused.  And realistically, I will probably not be invited to visit them.

Any advice will be appreciated.  Thanks!

[Turkish]

I would want to avoid this too, and growing up in a BPD household, I'm a good avoider 

Boundaries are good,  but these are about what we will deal with. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Asserting them aren't likely to change that behavior of another.  It sounds a little validating that your brother-in-law and nephew seem aware of her behaviors, but they likely act like that to keep the peace. The dysfunctional family system adjusts to preserve itself, often at the expense of the individuals.

Can you hack the wedding rehearsal? Like you,  I'd be wary of the camping event...

[Cat Familiar]

When my BPD mother was alive and lived nearby, I always set limits on how much time I could tolerate being around her. She wasn't able to drive to my place, so the only time I saw her was at her home or if I was taking her somewhere.

I like the idea of keeping the ball in your court. That way you can end the visit on your own terms should you so desire. Instead of them showing up at your campsite, is there a place you all could go for dinner instead, perhaps between the campsite and their house? That way the meeting would be in public and there would be closure where you'd all go your separate ways afterwards.