Estrangement & Boundaries

[Kuba]

I guess if I'm going to ask for help, I should go back a ways. I'm going to "overshare" so everyone can get a better picture. In doing so, I'm hoping to see what the group thinks about where I went wrong, what I can do, or if there's nothing I can or should do. Brutal honesty is welcome. I want to state that right now I have no desire to continue reaching out to my BPD sister. None. I merely want to do what I can to minimize the damage with my mother. 

28 years ago my parents divorced. It was brutal. My father was NPD and my younger sisters and I grew up dealing with verbal, emotional, and sometimes, physical abuse. When the divorce happened, mom was a wreck. At 14, I had to grow up quick. I became fiercely protective of my sisters. It wasn't enough. A couple years into the divorce, the father of my sister's friend molested her. I had no idea, and did not find out until nearly a decade later when my mom confided that news in me shortly after she found out.
I'm certain that the combination of those events were the foundation for my sister's BPD. I look at who she was and can track the progression/pattern based on the events she endured.

Throughout her 20's, I was told not to engage, interfere, or make any commentary on her dating relationships. Let's just say she followed a classic BPD path in this regard and most weren't around long enough for me to know their names. Those that were, well, they were real winners...but, per mom's requests, I bit my tongue.

Fast forward to 2014. She's moved home with her infant daughter and essentially cut the father out of the kid's life. I do my best to support, help, babysit, etc. Unfortunately, economic circumstances meant I too was living at home as my business struggled.

About 7 months in, sister blew up at mother. Raging so hard and loud it was audible two blocks away. It terrified my 4-year old, developmentally disabled nephew who was visiting. It terrified her 9 month old daughter who was at her feet. It terrified me who sat upstairs trying to comfort my nephew.  I tried to intervene and she unleashed a torrent of insults and verbal condemnations of me. Vile, cruel, deliberately hurtful. At that point, I suggested that a CPD review was in order and that if she didn't calm down, I'd call the police.

That was it. I was forced to move out and she unleashed a barrage of messages on FB essentially condemning me.

Over the next 5 years, I attempted twice, at my mother's request, to meet with a counselor who would mediate a reconciliation. Both times, I flew back to the states from Europe, and both times sister found reasons she didn't want to go. On one of these trips, I brought my soon-to-be fiance. We were not allowed to stay at my mom's (sister was still living there) and had to call first before we came over to visit to ensure sister and my niece weren't there. Since that day, I've been denied all contact with my niece. When I call, if she's there, she's not allowed to speak with me. Mother has had her in the room and refused to hand her the phone.

Well, this January my fiance and I got married. We did it at my mom's. Sister moved out in October, so we could do that. I invited my sister on three occasions. All three messages were not returned. To be fair, I did schedule a night to call and talk with her. It was late my time (about 3am) and in the midst of wedding planning stress, I was exhausted and fell asleep. The next day, she unleashed a very short and terse attack to which I didn't respond.

Six months later, and she's yet to acknowledge or congratulate me on the wedding. Not a peep. Mom insists I keep trying to reach out to her, insisting that "I'm a wonderful person, my words are incredible (I'm a professional writer) and that if I wanted, I could "heal" my sister by showing her that not all men are like the one's she's dealt with. A month ago, I asked my mom if she'd given my niece the Christmas gift I left for her; she promised she would, and when I asked, mom said that my sister had said "she wasn't ready for that to happen." At that point, I said I'd contact a lawyer and sue for visitation. That infuriated my mother, and as I found out during consultations, uncles have practically no rights in that regard. I could sue, but I will lose.   

That was the final straw for me with my mom. I told her I was tired of her enabling my sister's behaviors, and tired of her participating in the estrangement with my niece. This past week, they all went to Disneyworld as a "family." My mom's treat. Of course, my wife and I were not invited even though I made it clear to my mother that we'd love to go and that we had the financial means to make the trip and pay our own way. I haven't said a word to my mother about my feelings on this (It hurts like hades; worse than any words I can find) and I don't want to diminish her memory of the trip because I know she was looking forward to sharing that once in a lifetime experience with my niece/nephew. But, that doesn't change the real pain and hurt it's inflicted on my wife and I. We're family, but we're not. I know I don't have to explain that feeling to anyone here.

So, right now I've set a boundary with my mom. It's not to be brought up again. My sister is no longer a topic I'm willing to discuss or engage on. It's over. I'm washing my hands and burning the handful of olive branches I'd stashed. I have no desire to heal my sister. No desire to be part of a family that so willingly excludes me. My mother's actions have hurt me deeply, and while I love her very much, she's very clearly enabling, borderline flying monkey and I have to put a boundary up that I can hold to. 

So, that's the whole bloody tale. What am I missing? What am I not seeing/considering? What else should I do to protect my heart and my relationship with my mother? I can handle losing my sister; I don't miss the judgment, lies, and drama. My mom though, that's another story. She's a good woman and I love her, and I know this is hard for her, however, I can't keep having this brought up on every phone call, every message, every email. Five years of it and I'm done. 

[Turkish]

The green blade of grass here is that you and your mother still talk,  even though it is painful for you given that she still tries to "fix" this by triangulation. Even more painful must be that you've been experiencing this for many years. Not to excuse your mother or your pain,  but she's trying to be the peacemaker, likely how she was with your NPD father. That's likely what's in her emotional toolbox,  how she survived.

We have validation tools here about dealing with pwBPD,  but they work on anybody.  Everyone needs validation.  Take a look and what do you think? A link to the SET discussion is at the end. 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Do you think you could validate your mother while protecting yourself?  This isn't an easy solution,  so let's talk it out.

Anybody else have ideas or support?

[Kuba]

Thank you, Turkish! Some very good advice and I'm reading through all those resources now. She's most definitely trying to be the peacemaker, and yes, you're right, she was peacemaker in the marriage.

Can I validate my mother's feelings? Some, I have over and over; notably, in both counseling sessions we attended together. She knows how I feel, but I don't think she truly understands where I'm at with this whole situation. I'm trying not to be "cold" with her right now, but I'll be honest, I'm genuinely hurt and feel excluded from the family, so I'm not hiding my pain very well. I am watching my words closely so that I don't say something I'll regret.

I'm working on a SET and would value your thoughts on this. As far as I can get right now, the outline is;

S. I love you and care about you. I'm truly worried about how this is affecting you. This is hard for everyone in the family and we (my wife and I) have tried to explain how we feel.   


E. I understand how you feel and know that you are trying to serve as a mediator, moderator, and mother. I understand that there are many serious issues going on right now, and that it is not easy to have two children who cannot communicate. It is not an easy position to be in and I recognize that you are simply trying to make peace.     


T. The truth is, I have born the blame for far too much and paid far too great a price for what was said (I said I was going to call CPD for a mental health eval when sister was having a breakdown and attacking my mother). At your request, I have extended olive branch after olive branch over the past few years. I have been rebuffed every time. It was never enough, and it never will be. No apology or action will ever assuage her pain or perception of me. The counselors you and I met with agreed with me in that assessment after having met with you, me, and (sister) at separate times. The truth is, (sister) has never, not even once, attempted to apologize for any of the things she has said or done, and continues to justify her comments and actions with you and her counselors.

At this point, I have no desire to reconnect or repair my relationship with (sister.)  After more than 5 years of this roller coaster, I'm stepping off. While she considers my comment to be cruel, it was made out of genuine fear for hers, yours, and my nephew/niece's safety. She has blamed you for that argument, yet never accepted her role in the escalating conflict. Conversely, her comments and actions before that night, on that night, and over the past 5 years were deliberately cruel, calculated to create maximum pain, and worse still, deliberately emotionally abusive. I have been deliberately excluded from family events, made to feel unwelcome in your home when she's around, and denied any form of contact with my niece. That you continue to put the onus of repairing this relationship, healing her pain, or serving as a positive role model for her, is inappropriate. It is hurtful and it belittles the very real, expensive, and tangible efforts I have made. Please understand that there will be no further efforts at reconciliation on my part, and that I no longer wish to entertain suggestions or ideas to the contrary. This is a boundary I am setting for my own mental health and I ask that you respect it.

What can/should I change? I don't want to trigger a conflict with my mom, but I do need her to understand that the exclusion and burden she's placing on me is hurtful and won't ever change the situation.           

[Turkish]

I would keep it much shorter, address the issue.  Bringing up older stuff, though legitimate, provides a larger target.

This might help: 2.02 | Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

Can anybody else help?

This isn't easy.  6 years here,  almost, and I  still working on it. 

[Kuba]

Great advice. Thank you. I'm learning, and you're right, if I include all of that, I create an opportunity for conflict. Shorter, sweeter, and more to the point is the way I'll go.

[Harri]

Hi Kuba!   

Have you come up with an alternative?