Daughter tells me she would rather live with her mother

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

First, a brief background is due to a Domestic Violence incident and restraining order I was granted sole custody of my daughter. I proceeded with filing for divorce with my UBPD wife. At the custody hearing, my ex was awarded supervised visitation every other weekend. The divorce is still proceeding. Last night my daughter after an argument sent me a text that she would rather live with her mom. My daughter just recently turned 11. The message was heartbreaking but I believe that her mom and other family members might be trying to manipulate her (possible parental alienation). I have been really good not saying anything negative about her mom and have not shared any information about the court proceedings. I also just recently put a parental control app on her phone. She has not been happy about it. Going to be a long summer. On the plus side, her family has told me they would like to sit down and try to come up with a negotiation to settle the divorce instead of going to trial. Lastly, my daughter has been seeing a counselor for the past two months.

[hurtguy2014]

First, a brief background is due to a Domestic Violence incident and restraining order I was granted sole custody of my daughter. I proceeded with filing for divorce with my UBPD wife. At the custody hearing, my ex was awarded supervised visitation every other weekend. The divorce is still proceeding. Last night my daughter after an argument sent me a text that she would rather live with her mom. My daughter just recently turned 11. The message was heartbreaking but I believe that her mom and other family members might be trying to manipulate her (possible parental alienation). I have been really good not saying anything negative about her mom and have not shared any information about the court proceedings. I also just recently put a parental control app on her phone. She has not been happy about it. Going to be a long summer. On the plus side, her family has told me they would like to sit down and try to come up with a negotiation to settle the divorce instead of going to trial. Lastly, my daughter has been seeing a counselor for the past two months.

[zachira]

It hurts my heart to hear that your daughter's mother and family may be trying to alienate your daughter. "Divorce Poison" which teaches parents how to protect their children from being alienated is a must read. Children can oftentimes be alienated within a short period of time and it can be irreversible.The younger the child the more he/she is vulnerable to being alienated. You will hear from other parents on this site who have had similar challenges with their children being alienated by the other parent.

[GaGrl]

What are the terms of the supervised visitation? Is your ex monitored by a supervisor, or is it a "family member supervision"?

I don't think it is unusual for a daughter that age to think life would be better with the other parent -- fewer rules, etc. That doesn't mean it is best for her.

If you were to meet with the family, what might you possibly agree to in order to avoid a trial? Anything?

Have you done any mediation? Have your lawyers talked?

[ForeverDad]

If mother is limited to supervised visitation, even if only temporary, a judge ought to be very wary of granting daughter to live with her mother.

Frankly, your daughter is a minor and cannot make decisions for herself independent of parents until she is an adult.  Yes, in many states the court will consider a teenager's wishes.  That's called an in camera interview, but 11 is a young age for that.

My son was 11 when my ex's lawyer filed for an in camera interview with the Guardian ad Litem (GAL, son's lawyer) and magistrate.  I already had custody and was in court to get majority time.  The court's decision never cited anything he said but did state that son was more comfortable talking about me, with better eye contact.  That's what meant more to these professionals, not the words but the less obvious clues.

[livednlearned]

Last night my daughter after an argument sent me a text that she would rather live with her mom.

Did you respond?

When do you see her in person next?

What's her relationship like with her mom?

On the plus side, her family has told me they would like to sit down and try to come up with a negotiation to settle the divorce instead of going to trial.

Do you feel anything positive might come of this?

[hurtguy2014]

First, I have full custody of my daughter (she lives with me), mom only sees her every other weekend. My daughter apologized and explained that she was upset, venting and did not mean what she said. Also, I have my daughter in counseling. My daughter is very close to my ex. Due to the restraining order, there is no contact between my ex and myself. We have an account through Talking Parents but my ex does not use that program. I am hopeful negotiations work-out but have a feeling my ex will change her mind and let it go to a trial (or a settlement right before the trial).

[ForeverDad]

Back in late 2005 when my son was 3 years old there was an incident - another one - and that time I called emergency services and two officers responded.  That was the first time either of us had raised it to that level of conflict, involving others.  Well a few days later I had a copy of the recording immediately before, during and immediately after that call and the police arrested her for Threat of DV.  She was on the computer when they came.  History indicated she was on the Block Email page.  Sure enough, she always claimed she never got my later parenting-related emails.  To this day I believe I'm still blocked.

Yes, I could have changed my email address but why?  So I didn't.

Whether your ex will use that communication account, who knows?

As for custody, you know you're the more stable parent.  Maybe the court will let existing restraining orders expire, maybe it will be inclined to let mother ramp up to more parenting time.  Your task is to (1) ensure you keep as much parenting as reasonably possible and (2) be fully aware that being overly nice or overly fair is a risk to be avoided.  Being overly nice or overly fair is a trait most of us have but it sabotages us when dealing with BPD, our fairness is unlikely to be reciprocated on a consistent basis if at all.

[Panda39]

Last night my daughter after an argument sent me a text that she would rather live with her mom. My daughter just recently turned 11.

My daughter apologized and explained that she was upset, venting and did not mean what she said.

That's what I thought.  Kids will play one parent off the other within a marriage and post marriage so this is kind of typical.  Your awareness of Parental Alienation is not a bad thing though because it does happen .

Below is a link to the "Lessons" section of this page regarding co-parenting.  There is alot of information you may find helpful in terms of co-parenting and supporting your daughter.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0

Take Care,
Panda39