She Wants to Talk, after 9 months of NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Need some strength here.  I posted on here a long time ago when I was trying to reconcile with my BPD ex since I felt I was more equipped to possibly work through things.  Well i did, but things got even worse and she got psychical with me for the first time in 3 years.  After that I had enough sense to end the relationship and I've been in NC for 9 months.  Well, I ran into her at a local  lunch place and we saw each other.  I turned around and left but then shortly after she texted me.  Since then shes told me ohhhhhhh how happy she is with  her new boyfriend that has 4 kids and shes so happy and they're all integrated and shes doing so awesome and life is perfect, and how I was the unstable one one and her new guy is perfect.  But yet, somehow shes pushing for us to get together to talk.  I know its a bad idea, and I even told her that its a bad idea and her new man will not be ok with it but shes wants to do it anyway after she claims she will ask for his permission.  WHY WHY WHY?  I need strength to not meet her but like a drug I'm fighting the urge.  So much more history here but no sense in listing it all, but you can insert the text book BPD relationship arc here.  Thoughts?

[flare1]

Need some strength here.  I posted on here a long time ago when I was trying to reconcile with my BPD ex since I felt I was more equipped to possibly work through things.  Well i did, but things got even worse and she got psychical with me for the first time in 3 years.  After that I had enough sense to end the relationship and I've been in NC for 9 months.  Well, I ran into her at a local  lunch place and we saw each other.  I turned around and left but then shortly after she texted me.  Since then shes told me ohhhhhhh how happy she is with  her new boyfriend that has 4 kids and shes so happy and they're all integrated and shes doing so awesome and life is perfect, and how I was the unstable one one and her new guy is perfect.  But yet, somehow shes pushing for us to get together to talk.  I know its a bad idea, and I even told her that its a bad idea and her new man will not be ok with it but shes wants to do it anyway after she claims she will ask for his permission.  WHY WHY WHY?  I need strength to not meet her but like a drug I'm fighting the urge.  So much more history here but no sense in listing it all, but you can insert the text book BPD relationship arc here.  Thoughts?

[truthbeknown]

I had a similar things happen only after 6 months of no contact physically, phone, text etc (but I still remained fb friends to see what was going on with her kids because we had been connected.

Then one of her friends and I interacted and I said, "you probably no me and ____ aren't together so I won't be able to double date anymore.  She said, "yeah I know" and then the next day posted pics of my ex and the new guy on fb.  So I defriended both of them.  This caused her to reach out to me after several weeks had passed. 

She didn't want to get together but she was trying to keep her "hooks" in me psychologically.  In other words, it was okay for her to be with the new guy but she didn't want me to move on.  I can't say for sure but maybe there is an element of that going on?   Maybe she doesn't want anyone else to have you so she is just messing with your mind so you won't feel up to dating anyone else or moving on from her.   

I think its an exercise in boundaries for you and for her.  I always thought boundaries were for others but now i realize i need boundaries for myself or else i will get trampled on emotionally by manipulative people. 

I think sometimes we get so used to pain that we think we can handle everything but I've learned for myself that this isn't healthy.

[Turkish]

 She's looking for validation. She'll get only that which you give her.  Wish her well and move on.  If it works out for her,  good for her.  If it doesn't,  too bad. Extricate yourself from being involved.

[flare1]

Thanks.  Yea I agree with both.  She asked if we meet am I going to try and get back together.  I said no.  Then she asked the exact same question 5 mins later.  Feel like I', being set up for something.  The main issue is why am I not strong enough to not play this game.

[totheflow]

You are strong enough! It'll just be hard, but you can do it. You went 9 months NC and that is strength!

Try and slow down and step back. You probably know how it will end up if you meet. Keep reminding yourself of that.

You can do this.

[Lucky Jim]

I even told her that its a bad idea and her new man will not be ok with it but shes wants to do it anyway after she claims she will ask for his permission.

Hey flare1, Sounds like you are trying to avoid making a decision by letting the new guy make the call.  I would argue that, to the contrary, It's your call, my friend.  Yes, you are strong enough to decline to play the game.  Take yourself out of the lineup.  On some level, I think you already know that any such meeting is unlikely to lead to anything positive for you.  Suggest you decline to set yourself up for another wounding and draw the line at her request to meet.

LuckyJim

[flare1]

Nope.  I wound up meeting her today.  In the meantime, thank you for the encouragement and support, it is truly appreciated as I am trying to stay above water here.

[Beneck]

How did it go?

[flare1]

It went Ok and was semi-lucid.  We caught up about a lot of things then it got emotional when we started talking about us and our past.  She started to tear up but wasn't sobbing.  I held it together.  I don't know if it was the right thing to do as I wasn't looking for anything specific out of the meeting.  The odd thing is that shes with another man, and she told me they are in pre-marriage counseling and it's completely inappropriate for her to be meeting me if that is truly the case, since I can say that she did not clear this with him beforehand.  I'm enabling that behavior.  On top of that I told her the topic of reconciliation may come up and she decided to meet meet under those pretenses.  Afterward she just texted to say she didn't think I would ever want to get back together.  The last time I saw her was "the incident" which she said was a cry for help because she didn't want time to leaver her.  But I don't know if that is genuine on her part or not.  Shes also blaming me for the "on again off again" nature of our relationship which I will take responsibility for my part but when subjected to anger and abuse I felt it did the right thing by distancing.  At this point I feel like I need her to say that that we're permanently done so I can have closure and fully move on.  The good news is that I feel ok about everything even though there is some pain mixed in.  Advise?

[totheflow]

Hi Flare1,

I'm glad you are feeling alright after meeting. From what I'm learning with all of this, you will need to be the one to give yourself the closure you are looking for. You may never get it from her.

Also, in my honest opinion, I think you also need to decide on your own if you are permanently done with this or not. Do not leave it up to her. Just my advice. I hope it helps.

I hope you can find the strength you need, and do what you feel is right. We are all here for support. Best!

[Beneck]

Advise?

Depends :p

What do YOU want to do at this point?

Do you want her back?

Do you want her back under specific conditions? If yes, what are these conditions?

Not to say you WILL or SHOULD get back with her, but I think it really helps to explore these things.

[flare1]

I'm not sure what I want so I'm just laying low for now.  I did ask her for final closure though because thats what I'm leaning towards but she won't do it.  She just keeps asking me questions. I think @totheflow is correct in that I may need to provide my own closure.  The only reason I'm here is that we ran into each other and the feelings came back, at least some of them.  I will keep this updated but what I want back I don't think exists, as it is illusory as has been experienced by many on this board.  I actually wish her happiness with her new man.