Advice needed -HELP

[Taddat]

Frank & I met 5 years ago.  We fell in love right away, had a whirlwind romance for several years.  The best love of my life.  Then I started seeing a side of him he hadn't showed me before.  He would go from the wonderful person I fell in love with to a total stranger, a mean, hateful person who would get so angry he would break things and scream and threaten to the point I'm hiding in my room under the covers shaking uncontrollably.  He'll be angry for several days then wake up one morning as if nothing happened.  not understanding why I am still upset, no apologies, not his fault, always mine.  It would occur every 4-6 months.  
Several months ago his father passed away.  since that time, his "episodes" (that's what I call them) have become more frequent, almost weekly.  Three weeks ago I spent an afternoon cleaning the yard and flowers.  I trimmed the rose bush of it's dead canes -the year prior he had told me not to cut off the canes but I didn't give it much thought when I did it as they were dead canes -no live leaves on them at all.  He was so angry at me that he cut down our beautiful lilac tree to "teach me a lesson, next time I'd better listen and do as told!".  
The next week we went to a friends party.  we were camping there.  I went to bed around midnight, had had enough fun.  He refused to stay with me and went back out drinking more (he has a big drinking problem).  At two in the morning he came in, woke me up and said we are leaving, that a friend had attacked him out of nowhere.  I was intoxicated that evening and did not want to drive-that's why we were camping.  He picked a fight with me when I told him I did not feel comfortable driving home.  Then he said I had came back to the fire to make him leave, I did not want him out there without me - which never happened.  I was asleep.  The next day he was still mad at ME, even though I had done nothing.  HE took off on his motorcycle -still drunk from the night before - angry at me.  He drove around bar hopping all day who knows where or how long-he didn't come in until well after midnight.  it took two more days before he started acting like the person I love.  But by this time, my love is dwindling.  I'm waiting for that ugly person to raise his angry head at me...always afraid I'm gonna do or say the wrong thing and make him snap.  
He refuses to see that he has a problem.   He blames me for his outbursts and anger.  
His mother kidnapped him from his biological father when he was two.  She told him that his dad didn't love him or her and didn't want them in his life.  (his father spend decades trying to find him but in the 60's/70's it wasn't so easy)  Then when he was in jr high his mom left him with his step dad -who ended up adopting him at 16.  Mom did not come back into the picture until step father passed away at 42 - Frank was a jr. in college at this point.  So he lost the man who stood by him when mom split.  She showed up at the funeral making a huge scene and he told her to leave - I don't know if he ever saw her again, but I do know when we got together she was dying and he got a call asking him to come see her - he did not go.  He did finally connect with his biological father decades later and tried to maintain a relationship with him.  Now he has no one.  His children don't speak to him, his parents are dead, and I'm at my wits end -wondering if I'm making a huge mistake staying in this kind of a relationship.  I feel like I should run but I also feel that he needs help.   He's never addressed his abandonment issues.  His mother also had mental issues but she was never diagnosed - his daughter is in an adult home diagnosed "schizophrenic" and taking drugs to keep her mind together.  SO I believe it is a hereditary thing, but I am not sure -its all a guess.  And I don't know what to do...

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[Taddat]

This is not a stay or leave post - it is a cry for help. I don't know how to deal with this.  I am a strong person and want to help him to understand what is going on - to help him have a better life.  To help myself in the process.  How do you help a person who refuses to believe that they have a problem?

[No-One]

Hi Taddat:
I'm so sorry about your situation.  Mental illness can be caused by environmental factors, genetic factors, or both.  Only a professional can diagnosis your partner.  Sounds like in his case, it could be both.  Have you done any research on schizophrenia?  Since his daughter is diagnosed and his mom had some undiagnosed mental illness, it might be something to research - perhaps a clue.

I've read that schizophrenia generally hits males in late teens or early 20's, and can remain undiagnosed for a few years.  Of course, if someone doesn't seek treatment, then a diagnosis might never happen.  Someone who won't admit they have a problem, could have had a few prior episodes that were less severe and they won't admit it.

Here is a quote I found in an article about schizophrenia: "Although nearly 80% of patients with a first episode of schizophrenia will eventually recover, most (up to 70%) will have a second psychotic episode within five to seven years."  Perhaps, he had an earlier (s) episode, prior to your relationship?

The above info. is just speculation, but you might want to research it.  It's common for people with a mental illness to blame others for their behaviors.  Unfortunately, you can't force someone into treatment. You can't fix him.  The only thing you can control is yourself, your boundaries and the way you interact and react to your partner. 

Communication tools can be helpful to use with anyone, no matter what their mental health issue is.  If you go to the green band at the top of this page, you will find a "tools" section, with links to some lessons.  That can be a good place to start learning some skills, as well as a thread section on this board with the title, "lessons".

At some point, you might want to seek some counseling to assist you in making a decision about your relationship.  You may feel sorry for him, but you can't fix him.  Sounds like he is trying to cope with his mental illness with alcohol abuse.  Seems to be a common story, but a recipe for lots of relationship misery and challenges.

What's the story behind his children NOT talking to him?

You need to think about a Safety Plan for you.  i.e. stay sober, alternative transportation for you (when he is drunk), alternate place to stay (if needed), etc.  You never know when things might escalate, so best to have a plan and not need it. 

The last half of the info at the link below, addresses developing a Safety Plan.  You might find it helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf