Struggling with fear and anxiety over future interactions with BPD person

[jasmine123]

My BPDparent is pretty high functioning for someone with BPD. They haven't really been doing anything major right now to cause conflict between us. However, I am having anxiety about them and can tell that I am starting to avoid them. I think this is a defense mechanism. I know from the past this doesn't work with BPD people, as it just makes them feel abandoned and therefore triggers undesirable behaviors.

I feel nervous because I am imagining future negative encounters with them. They are retired now, and so I am worried they are going to start trying to visit me a lot and call more. Their requests to visit are slowly trickling in, they have probably asked 2 in the past two weeks, even though we already have an upcoming visit planned. They say "You know I am retired, so if you ever want me to come visit I can." I think, "Look, I will invite you when I want you to come! You don't need to tell me that!"

I am also nervous because I am having the first grandkid. I feel like that is going to make them want to visit me even more! They are VERY excited about this grandkid. Almost too excited.

I guess in attempts to avoid any unpleasant encounters with them I am reverting to an old coping tool of avoiding them...

I know I should just live in the present and not be imaging future undesirable situations with my BPD parent, but this is easier said then done. I find myself tensing up when I see they are calling and have stress dreams about them! Does anyone have advice on how I can cope in a healthier way and stop stressing about future conflicts that haven't even happened yet! How can I stop having such a hard, cold heart towards them? especially since they haven't really done anything major lately...?

[CathFoley]

Them not having done anything hateful lately doesn't erase your history with them.  Recently I came to the realization that there is a reason I tense up when my mother calls, why my heart starts pounding when I see I have a text from her, etc. It isn't because we are bad people, it's years and years of poor behavior and treatment that have severely damaged the relationship to the point of no return.  You cannot help feeling how you feel, you cannot force a happy, close relationship if it is just not there.  I was in the same exact position as you.  I live 4 hours away from her and she told me she was going to be trying to come and stay the weekend every 3 months.  She didn't ask, she told me.  For the next week it was all I could think about, stress about.  How am I going to do this? Any time I'm around her I'm an anxious uncomfortable mess.  As of right now I'm NC and have my first therapy session next week.  If you haven't read it yet I suggest reading "Walking on eggshells" it's a great book that discusses the difficulty in needing to set boundaries and the guilt that may go along with it.  Also finding the right therapist may help you.  Just being able to talk to someone outside the family I think is going to be very helpful. 

[Cat Familiar]

"No" is a word you need to incorporate in your vocabulary.

"This is not a good time to visit."

"I'm too busy right now."

"We'll have to do that another time."

[Harri]

I think this is a defense mechanism. I know from the past this doesn't work with BPD people, as it just makes them feel abandoned and therefore triggers undesirable behaviors.

Yeah, sounds like a defense for sure and I get it.  It is hard when we know all the possibilities of what can happen.  Can you think of anyway to turn that around and use it to your advantage though?

I feel nervous because I am imagining future negative encounters with them. They are retired now, and so I am worried they are going to start trying to visit me a lot and call more. Their requests to visit are slowly trickling in, they have probably asked 2 in the past two weeks, even though we already have an upcoming visit planned. They say "You know I am retired, so if you ever want me to come visit I can." I think, "Look, I will invite you when I want you to come! You don't need to tell me that!"

Can you use some of the replies Cat Familiar gave as examples and just modify them to sound more like you and reflect a calm yet strong and firm tone?  Giving an angry, frustrated or exasperated response will only fuel the fire.   You know this so how can we work with this? 

I say work with this not for your parents, but for you.  How do we get you feeling confident in setting boundaries consistent with your personal values while also protecting yourself.  As you said, avoidance does not work... it only amplifies their behaviors.  More importantly, it only amplifies your behaviors as well.  Avoidance due to emotional upset is a pretty good indication that we are still enmeshed in some ways.

So how can we work on this?  Let's brainstorm.