Introduction

[Abarthd]

My wife of several years was recently diagnosed with BPD. SHe is seeking treatment but I am feeling very hopeless. We have two preschool daughter. My main role right now is trying to protect them from the mood swings and angry outbursts. In this process I feel I’m further alienating my wife. My questions are right now 1) how to best protect the children 2) how to balance that with supporting my wife 3) what to expect from her treatment, timeline and expectations and 4) when/how do you decide when you need to walk away for the sake of the children.

Is there a group or thread specific to the topic of protecting children from a parent wit BPD?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Abarthd, and

Is there a group or thread specific to the topic of protecting children from a parent wit BPD?

youre in the right place, friend 

In this process I feel I’m further alienating my wife.

its a tough place youre in...damned if you do, damned if you dont. getting on the same page, which is ideal, is very difficult, but possible!

can you give us some examples of the conflict thats going on? we can walk you through.

[Abarthd]

Perfect example: wife had my retirement plaque, she took it so I “wouldn’t mess it up.” Then a few days later I asked where it was. This simple question turned into a crying screaming cursing ordeal. I looked fir literally 4 minutes and found it. With kids: she is literally afraid to take them to public places. And when she does, even with me, she is constantly yelling and screaming for fear they get hurt. Last night she insisted on carrying our 4yo to the car from the store. The 4yo fighting her saying “I can walk I can walk.”  They end up screaming and fighting each other.

[Abarthd]

I really fear leaving the kids home alone with her. Not that I think she would physically harm them but the emotional roller coaster can’t be healthy for developing preschoolers

[Abarthd]

Other examples: I say, “the appliance repair guy said loading the washer too full may have caused the agitator to fail.”  Response, “I don’t overload the washer.”

I say, “ok. I’m just telling you what he told me.”

“ FINE then YOU do the laundry from now on.”

Another example: I beak my glasses, she knows, and I ask if she had seen my spares.  Her response: “ we are leaning in just a few minutes, do we really need to do this now?”  I can’t drive without my glasses. She has difficulty seeing past how any given situation affect anyone except herself. My broken glasses were causing us to be late for a social event, she doesn’t want to be late so look for your glasses later?

She also does very odd things that may be due to ADD and  OCD but these things contribute to anxiety. Examples we are getting ready to leave on a trip and I ask her to get house in order while I get tires on car. She spends the day rearranging furniture and rehanging art in the walls ignoring dirty dishes.  She will put trash in the sink and dirty dishes in the fridge. The other day she put Christmas stuff in the kitchen drawer that used to have dishes.

BUT if I ask about any of these things I get “ fine I won’t clean anymore. You do it!” Or “ I thought you would appreciate how hard I worked.”

[once removed]

it sounds like, as for most of us, you have a very sensitive partner, particularly when it comes to criticism, or perceived criticism.

i suspect you would benefit a great deal from learning the communication skills here. it will take some trial and error, as well as some practice.

how is the romance between the two of you? are there times of calm and peace?

[Abarthd]

Very little romance. We try to do a date night once a week