I feel such anger toward my BPD

[FaithHopeLove]

I feel such anger at my BPD son 25 that it sometimes overwhelms me. When he was younger I used to say that I not only loved him as my son I also liked him as a person. I still love him as my son but I can't stand him as a person. It breaks my heart to say it but it's true. He really is a jerk. I gave birth to a jerk. I craved motherhood for so long, tried so hard to conceive, was so thrilled to finally welcome him into the world. Now I feel like motherhood is a cruel joke.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[StressedOutDaily]

FHL sending you a hug!   

There are days I feel the same way about my DD...I didn't give birth to her, we worked long and hard and spent lots of $$$ to adopt our kids.  Sometimes  I think - we were home free...maybe there was a reason we could never get pregnant...we should have left well enough alone.  We could be happy right now instead of in this living hell...

[once removed]

whats going on thats got you angry, FHLKC?

[FaithHopeLove]

I guess hindsight is 2020. If I knew then what I know now and how much we all would suffer would I make the same choices? Who knows? It's too late to look back anyway and really no one can predict the future. I just hate what we all are going through. I really so. This is not a good night for me.

[FaithHopeLove]

whats going on thats got you angry, FHLKC?

DS is incredibly rude, not answering calls or texts, only calling when he wants something, doing and dealing drugs galore, totally selfish and self absorbed, basically an a hole

[Elizabeth22]

Faith

I am sorry.  You have been through so much with him, I don't know how you do it.
It's ok to feel this way, we are human and have human limits.
I think sometimes it's especially hard for mothers, because we get blamed for a lot and we feel we have to love our kids, no matter what.
It is ok to feel the way you do. Please don't feel bad or beat yourself up about it. Also, as you know, this is a safe place to vent, so vent as much as you have to, we are all here for you and each other.
I don't talk about my daughter much, we don't speak. I wonder how I ended up with 2 kids like this when I devoted my entire life to being a mother and trying to be a very good mother. There is a lot of mental illness in my family, and I had to let go and realize some of this is out of my control, and some of it were things I just did not want to deal with. It's ok to not want to deal with it, or be angry about having to deal with it.
You are dealing with an addict, they have a tendency to be assholes and selfish. You did not do this.
Give yourself a break.   Maybe do something nice for yourself?

Much love,
E22 oxoxox

[SkellyII]

I feel such anger at my BPD son 25 that it sometimes overwhelms me. When he was younger I used to say that I not only loved him as my son I also liked him as a person. I still love him as my son but I can't stand him as a person. It breaks my heart to say it but it's true. He really is a jerk. I gave birth to a jerk. I craved motherhood for so long, tried so hard to conceive, was so thrilled to finally welcome him into the world. Now I feel like motherhood is a cruel joke.

Virtual Hug

Yep, on any given day, I think a lot of us feel exactly the same as you. My DD16 has been at her udBPD mom's house the last couple of weeks. She was at her worst right before she left. It's been quiet here the last couple of weeks.

Some days will always be better than others. Today is a bad day for you, hopefully tomorrow is better.

Take care.

[once removed]

doing and dealing drugs galore,

is he binging, do you know?

[FaithHopeLove]

What do you mean by binging?

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

I remember writing here that I could not think of one positive thing to say about my son. I was so angry too. I just didn’t like him. I hated his choices. My son was a complete loser and an idiot. I totally get what your saying.

Anger = red flag.

It’s wasted energy but sometimes (not often) I used to enjoy rising up in my fury and think “come on then, let’s bring it on” . I’d seek a release like a kettle on boil. If I attempted to quell my anger and simmer (and yes, it’s possible to do this for many months!) Son would pick up on my emotions like a master sonar and then he’d be reacting to me. We were trapped in a cycle.

It’s all about emotions. We keep on repeating our actions, then we get more of the same. It’s both wasting energy and wasting time.

You text your son and he doesn’t respond. If he’s read the text then He’s silently telling you to leave him alone. Or maybe he just doesn’t know what to say. Or maybe he knows that if he does respond he’s going to be rude and know how you’ll react.  If he hasn’t read the text, then maybe he’s busy.  

Do you think you need to hear from him because of your own anxieties about his well being? I understand. What I tend to do is I sit with it for a few days and if I still have the same feeling I think about my options.

Or are you referring to a text about something not very important and he just doesn’t reply?  It is frustrating I know.

My son is a quiet BPD. His anxiety is high most of the time - he can sometimes be rude and he apologises afterwards. He tries to justify or explain it and sometimes he can’t work out why. Very often, by me watching and listening, the “real” issue pops up.

We have to learn how to take control over ourselves. I found physical distance but also emotional distance helped. Perhaps the word is stoic. It’s not “no emotion”, it’s acceptance of what is.

I took it further though Faith, because life that looked like that was unacceptable to me. I didn’t like “my lot”.  Ive nurtured a life just for myself, one where I looked outwards. I fill my days doing things I enjoy, and learning things so that when we do retire I have some form of fulfilment. It’s likely I will never be a grandparent and my life isn’t what I thought it be so I choose to follow a different path.

Accept what is.
Nurture healthier relationships with better interaction skills.
Take good care of myself (work in progress)
Live my own life, while son lives his.

How do you respond when he’s rude?
I find myself staying quiet and then annoyed at myself!

Hugs

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

[quote author=Lollypop link=topic=337065.msg13056693#msg13056693 date=155

How do you respond when he’s rude?

I have been trying to be compassionate, validate feel8ngs etc. Now I think I may be validating the invalid by pretending how he acts is OK. I get it. He is an addict with a personality disorder. Does that mean he is not responsible for his actions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

You all are speaking the thoughts I have had but were afraid to say!  Reading these are a relief. I,too, have had thoughts about how my son is suffering ( and me too) and wow, if I had known what was in store for him and me way back before I became pregnant with him ...well.. you know...   Mixed in with the sorrow for my adult son is the disgust I feel against him that he tore up my house. And has the nerve to be angry at me.  And that he refuses help.  And that he was quite ok with living off his mother (me) without a thought (Because I allowed it).These posts  have given me the courage to finally cut off his car insurance ( $200/month). This was a financial hardship I can't hold to anymore, and why should I?  He's not lifting a finger to help himself at the age of 25.   I texted his Dad to put son on notice that his insurance will run out July 31. I will continue to pay his hospital bills  from his emergency psych hold back in March and keep him under my health plan until he can't be on it at age 26 , but that is all.  In addition, I  am also in terror for him and of him. I do love my son but I can't even say if I like him because I don't know who he is now.
Thank you all for your honesty and thanks FaithHope for starting this post.  

[Swimmy55]

Thanks, for the reminders, Lollypop.  

[zachira]

It's heartbreaking and understandable you are fed up with the one way relationship with your son who mistreats you, especially since he is an adult. It might help to read about "positive regard" a term coined by Carl Rodgers which is not the same as liking someone who isn't all that likable. Though a very different situation and not as challenging as having a son with BPD, I once worked with men who were addicted to drugs and alcohol, had been in and out of prison, and committed some pretty heinous crimes. They were all headed for release in the general population once they completed rehab. These men were dangerous, and I realized that the only way I could help them was to give them "positive regard", and I felt motivated to help them because of how I worried I was about the irreparable harm they could do to others once released into society. "Positive regard" can help us to feel better about ourselves while not being as critical of others. I hope you don't feel that I am dismissing your feelings about your son; there is nothing more heartbreaking than having a child turn out badly, as a loving parent only wants the best for their children. I am also not suggesting that you can change him or are at this point responsible for him in any way. I also like what Lollypop has to say about self care. You have done your best in raising your son and it is now time to take care of yourself.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Zachira
I will check out positive regard later. Today I am not feeling it.

[livednlearned]

I have been trying to be compassionate, validate feel8ngs etc. Now I think I may be validating the invalid by pretending how he acts is OK. I get it. He is an addict with a personality disorder. Does that mean he is not responsible for his actions?

Validating the invalid tends to lead to resentment for me. It means I'm saying words without empathy, usually.

Years ago in therapy my T would talk about being authentic and it was a light bulb moment about empathy, how they are entwined. I've noticed that the route to empathy for me is often through a checkpoint of authenticity. Raised to be a rescuer/fixer/appeaser, feeling authentic is not always easy. Any kind of feeling, good or bad, were considered suspect and had to be managed so it takes me more effort than others to even figure out how I feel. I've had to learn to slow things down and pay attention, then have words for feelings.

There is this thing called somatic experiencing therapy -- it's helped me bypass how my mind censors feelings. Sometimes gestures gives away how I genuinely feel and I have to stop and work with a T to figure out what the emotion is and how to discharge it.

These are hard relationships, if not the hardest. It would be surprising if any of us didn't feel anger, disgust, dislike. I have felt repulsion toward SD22 and she triggers flight responses that seemed to intensify the more I tried to ignore them.

My T always say, "Notice that" when a feeling surfaces. Then she has me lean into the gesture or feeling, followed sometimes by opposite actions.

It helps to be real about this stuff.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks lnl
 I am seeing my T today to try to work this out. It has been several days now that I have been experiencing deep anger. Normally I am not an angry person but DS pushes every button.

[Lollypop]

Hi LnL
I apologise for splitting my post but i just couldn’t leave it and I think others might find this helpful too.

I picked up on an old thread something you said and I thought “gosh, that sounds like me”. Then I read this.

Raised to be a rescuer/fixer/appeaser, feeling authentic is not always easy. Any kind of feeling, good or bad, were considered suspect and had to be managed so it takes me more effort than others to even figure out how I feel. I've had to learn to slow things down and pay attention.

A TOTAL LIGHTBULB MOMENT!

I thought it was just me. I haven’t enjoyed the benefit of a therapist.

then have words for feelings

Can you elaborate on this for me?

My T always say, "Notice that" when a feeling surfaces. Then she has me lean into the gesture or feeling, followed sometimes by opposite actions.

Can you describe an example of this so I can fully understand?
My current action is to zip my mouth shut or sit on my hands. Ha!  This is successful in not escalating but not that great in “working through my feelings”.

Faith:

I have been trying to be compassionate, validate feel8ngs etc. Now I think I may be validating the invalid by pretending how he acts is OK. I get it. He is an addict with a personality disorder. Does that mean he is not responsible for his actions?

I know what you mean about pretending. That’s walking on eggshells. I used to do a kind of dance around son, particularly if there was a problem. You know Faith, I think you’re being hard on yourself. You’re really doing your very best, questioning and exploring a way forwards to improve your relationship with your son who is all over the place. It’s never going to be easy and I used to get hung up sometimes on the “rules”. I think a lot of this is about trusting your gut instinct and it takes time to get confidence in trusting it.  

LNL raises the importance of being authentic - we have to be ourselves for our own happiness. I’m not the parent I thought I should be, I’m the parent he needs. I used to pretend, now we are open, honest and loving - I achieve this because I totally accepted I can’t change him, we respectfully connect at a deeper level than before. Anger and frustration just aren’t there any more - actually while they are there it makes it difficult to reach a place of respecting and accepting one another as they are. I write this and smile and think to myself  “yeah right, let’s see if you are saying that when he doesn’t pay his rent!”.  

Your feelings are yours. I say this gently to you.
Your son is not responsible for how you feel.

Your son is responsible for his feelings.

I hope you’re having a better day and I’m sorry you’re having to wrestle right now. We say self care all the time, sometimes we are just so angry it’s not possible. If you can though, try to do one small thing today, just for yourself.

Hugs
LP

[Lollypop]

Hey faith

Well done! If you can let us know what the T says and if it’s helped any.

I think you’re amazing.
LP

[livednlearned]

Raised to be a rescuer/fixer/appeaser, feeling authentic is not always easy. Any kind of feeling, good or bad, were considered suspect and had to be managed so it takes me more effort than others to even figure out how I feel. I've had to learn to slow things down and pay attention.

Can you elaborate on this for me?

The *leader* in my family of origin was my dad, who was not emotionally skilled. His way to lead the family was to disprove any strong emotion, maybe because emotions meant being out of control. I had a uBPD brother who was intense emotionally and perhaps because of that we seemed to all collude around the idea that emotions were to be suppressed. Emotions = out of control. I suspect my grandmother was BPD, also. So a family lineage of being fearful when emotions were expressed.

Our family experienced intense emotions but the expression of those emotions wasn't encouraged. I've had to become reacquainted with emotions, to learn to name the feelings I'm experiencing, how they feel in the body.

My T always say, "Notice that" when a feeling surfaces. Then she has me lean into the gesture or feeling, followed sometimes by opposite actions.

Can you describe an example of this so I can fully understand?

An example in my sessions is that I describe a memory in response to a question my T asks. T will notice things I do with my body, like gestures, when I'm responding. Say I am describing a childhood memory and I hold my hands up in a gesture -- the T might stop me and say, "What's happening right there," indicating my hands. She might ask me to push them hard in the direction I was pushing them. Keep doing it, and doing it, and describing how my body feels, where I notice emotion, whether it's fight/flight/freeze.

Sometimes, to my surprise, there will be anguish when I follow her directions, a discharge of emotion that for some reason was not expressed when the memory was forming. A lot of emotions were stuffed in my family of origin. I was trained to be a stuffer 

It was actually a car accident that had me look into somatic experiencing therapy. Here's a little about somatic experiencing therapy: https://traumahealing.org/about-us/#about

I struggle to express anger. I experience it, and push it away. Therapy has helped me feel it without judgment, a cathartic experience. The idea (simplified) is that when you experience emotions you are afraid to express, they become familiar and not so scary. You express them and survive them and then begin to let them be a welcome part of who you are. Settle them down a bit 

[foxybluejay]

I felt like I was reading about myself here. I've been so angry too. I gave up a good job for motherhood and never regretted it. I devoted my life to my family. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there are other members in our family and this is the only child who treats us badly. I'm praying for you, Faith. It must be hard to have only one longed-for child who treats you so badly. Mental illness is a real cross for both the sufferer and those who love him.

I've been trying to remind myself when my feelings are overwhelming that her actions aren't about me and it's not my fault. The therapist was a big help when she said,  "Cool your jets." So now when I feel my emotions getting out of control, I try to consciously calm down. It's helped a little. And reading about BPD is helping too. I'm keeping a journal and hope to see myself making progress.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

LNL,
Thanks for the great examples of Somatic experiencing. This has been suggested for my DD, as well. I’m a big fan alof Basel Van der Kolk’s “The Body Keeps the Score” about how trauma lives in the body until it is discharged. My DD was an orphan in Thailand for almost 2 years and we believe this rough go both in utero and for the first 2 years was her early “trauma” that led to Attachment disorder which has morphed into BPD in her teens.  They have changed the protocol for bring an adoptee home now and they suggests doing things totally differently. We were about 8 yrs too early and missed this new theory!
Ugh

[livednlearned]

I feel such anger at my BPD son 25 that it sometimes overwhelms me.

Faith, somatic experiencing might also be helpful for you given what you've been through (PTSD from your career, and with your son).

It was a combination of a car accident decades ago and PTSD from other trauma that led me to a different kind of therapy, based on how body carries trauma. 

[FaithHopeLove]

thanks. I will check into somatic experiencing.

[Margarete]

I can sympathize greatly.
I struggle most with what appears to be  selfish, self centered and manipulative behavior. I understand that these are big parts of the disorder, as is temporary loss of the ability to feel  empathy and compassion -  but it still makes me angry, sad, disappointed and questioning my role in this over and over again.  It is hard to like someone, if everything is about them, nothing  comes back and you feel like you are not allowed to have emotions yourself.
Try to hang on to the good moments in between and take care of yourself (yeah, I know, that is the most annoying advice you can possible get).
Margarete