Can't connect emotionally after a rage

[joshbjoshb]

I know for many of you, who deal with much worse, this question might sound funny.

First, I feel for you and really pray things will get better for you. It did for me...

So, my wife has become much better, rages are less often (I credit most of it to major changes in my attitude, validation etc.) but she will still have those insane angry rages when I am the worst person on earth.

The thing is that after the rage is done, she wants to be close again. And because the situation is much better, I do feel that sometimes we are getting close, intimate etc. - but after a rage, I simply lose all interest in her.

Because she is basically dependent, she is trying desperately to get my attention and even telling me about it... but I simply don't want to connect. I take her words - how bad I am for her - seriously. So how can you connect emotionally with someone who basically think you are the worst?

Now, if it would be the first time her saying it, I will be able to get over it. But when it's being said in every rage, for 12 years, you start to believe it.
/
Any tips on how is it possible for me to let go of those hurting emotions? Or perhaps I shouldn't?

I don't believe explaining the above to her will help.

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[Noobie]

This is exactly how I feel. My heart hurts when she rages. The cruel things she has said go around in my head all the time. I wish I knew how to feel better about it.

[Red5]

... read up on ‘projection’.

*What it actually means when pw/BPD is projecting, which is what is happening when they are in BPD/rage mode.

... also understand about the ‘control / punish’ aspect of pw/BPD.

Once you understand these aspects of BPD behavior... you will not to take it personally.

... a tall order, I know and understand,

Also understand the term “Catastrophizing”... (term) is an irrational thought a lot of us have in believing that something is far worse than it actually is. Catastrophizing can generally can take two different forms: making a catastrophe out of a current situation, and imagining making a catastrophe out of a future situation.”

A person whom is BPD will operate as their actual real-time feelings are indeed facts... this is their “actuality”.

This is what happens, when they are raging... “scorched earth”.

 Persons with BPD (spectrum) are usually not able to process their feelings (facts as they believe)... this is where the ‘control’ comes in... pw/BPD seeks to control their environment... in order to help quell their internal / turmoil, feelings equal facts.

When the control measures fail, ie’ and perhaps the non in the relationship does not act accordingly... perhaps either from confusion, or “non-willingness’... then the pw/BPD goes off the rails as they perceive loss of control (abandonment)... result is dysregulation... what we know as “raging”... “scorched earth”... black and white, all or nothing, “splitting”.

Engage tools, don’t take it personally... provide support (SET), validate what you can... wait it out.

Tough stuff, I know personally ; (

When you become despondent... or else actually have contempt... due to endless scorched earth, and devaluing... your partner WILL pick up on this... this will trigger the abandonment feelings... and the need to further control you, and part of this control is punishment... via their rage episode... in which you feel attacked and devalued...

Tread carefully... be mindful... use the tools.

Kind regards, Red5

[runnerlolo]

Josh, I have been looking for a post like this because I am in the same exact situation and I'm desperate for help.  My wife and I have been together for nine years and married five of those years.  She started with the rages within our first year of dating.  I kept thinking it was a fluke.  Mind you, two other people I've been with have been verbally and emotionally abusive so anger is a real trigger for me.  After the first few rages, I started to distance myself physically from her.  I was and still am so unattracted to her behavior.  This has been the main issue with us  this whole time.  She wants to be so close and I am so turned off.  Now, she has been officially diagnosed with BPD and my mind is in a tailspin.  I am relieved that we have a diagnosis but I'm struggling with not wanting to be close to her.  It's almost as if she doesn't have any recollection of how bad she has acted through the years.  To her, it's no big deal.  To me?  I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover although I'm really trying. 

[Chosen]

Hi,

Your post is somewhat similar to by other post about my uBPDh witholding affection as "punishment", then when he is no longer dysregulated he wants to be close but I find it hard to do so.  I can't just snap in and out of it like he does. One thing I know though, is that explaining it to your pwBPD will not help.  She will likely just take it as another dose of invalidation from you.  My uBPDh would think that I should be so grateful he even wants to be close to me since I am, obviously, horrible.  Therefore, if I say I don't want to be close, it's super invalidating and I'm stuck up.

Logically, I know what Red5 is saying.  I know it's the BPD and not him, I know it's his "handicap", or else I wouldn't still be with him.  But then it is always, always in the back of my head that he thinks I am horrible.  Not just in bad days now, but in good days as well.  I have grown to expect the worst of him, and expect him to think the worst of me.  I have come to know that whatever I do, it will be negative.  I'm still learning to adjust my expectation as such, but knowing he will never appreciate me, sadly, helps. 

I don't really know how to reconcile those feelings.

[COLB]

Red 5 is dead on.  This is the hardest part for me as well. After decades of the devaluing outbursts I find it hard to connect.  you have to rebuild what was destroyed.  Try finding things you both enjoy together to rebuild connection.  Even then it takes time.  You did not get here overnight and you wont heal your wounds magically. 

 A wonderful counselor told me to think of it like a jar of pennies. It may have been filled up before the outburst.  The outburst destroyed the jar and the pennies are all over the floor.  Now you must get a new jar and start putting the pennies back in...

[joshbjoshb]

I guess part of is what does love feels like when your SO has BPD... and once I know what that love is, my closeness will match that.

What love is NOT - is a mutual feelings of 2 consenting adults. Honestly I don't think she is a fully, mature adult. She has moment when she is, and moments when she is behaving like a little child. It's sad to think that I am married to someone who is not fully an adult, but it's my reality and I have come to fully accept that.

I used to have times when I would be close, but not really close. Almost to the point of objectifying her... that would be the only way for me to be intimate. I'd say words but I wouldn't believe in them.

Now, though, she is getting much much better, and I do feel that we are growing closer. Then... boom. A rage.

I am not hurt anymore, or at least not as hurt as I used to be, I don't take to heart things she said and I pretty much learned to validate and even empathize. But when a rage includes a long list of how bad I am / always was / horrible blah blah blah, I just tend to believe that she is thinking that, at least during the rage.

Maybe the solution is to realize how in the moments of closeness she is really close... since like a child, when they are happy they are fully happy. What happened in a rage, stays in the rage zone?

I am not sure.