Reaching out to ex

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been apart from an ex for around three months, now. The relationship was very short and ended with an anger outburst from them, and I was blamed for it. I've tried to reach out a few times, and have had no response.

I am still very much struggling with this. I wonder if it is feasible to send some sort of contact along the lines of "I don't understand why you pushed me away...", and expressing that I really did love this person, or if that's a bad idea.

The person was never receptive to discussions of feelings and would often chastise me, calling me boring, melodramatic, etc. Also quite rude and dismissive, and threats of blocking and silence.

But this contact wouldn't be to try and win this person back. If anything, I am sure that it would sever the connection once and for all.

I have been debating doing this for a while, if truth be told I am afraid of the person and their reaction. But I feel as if some things need to be said?

[ironmonger_row]

I have been apart from an ex for around three months, now. The relationship was very short and ended with an anger outburst from them, and I was blamed for it. I've tried to reach out a few times, and have had no response.

I am still very much struggling with this. I wonder if it is feasible to send some sort of contact along the lines of "I don't understand why you pushed me away...", and expressing that I really did love this person, or if that's a bad idea.

The person was never receptive to discussions of feelings and would often chastise me, calling me boring, melodramatic, etc. Also quite rude and dismissive, and threats of blocking and silence.

But this contact wouldn't be to try and win this person back. If anything, I am sure that it would sever the connection once and for all.

I have been debating doing this for a while, if truth be told I am afraid of the person and their reaction. But I feel as if some things need to be said?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Welcome here, ironmonger_row.
I'm sorry to hear that you struggle. These break-ups are really hard, often harder than breakups with nons (people who don't have BPD). There are often many things unsaid and no real closure. It seems that's the case for you, too.

You say you feel that some things need to be said. Do you need to say them for your own sake, or for your ex's?

Know that we are here.

Scarlet P.

[Jaaj61]

I have the same issue though my breakup is less than a week. Intellectually I know that contacting her would just prolong the pain- and she’s blocked my phone anyway-there’s also the part of me that wants to understand how she could go to such an extreme so quickly. From taking about marriage one day to discarding me the next,
Very hard to accept

[ironmonger_row]

Hello Scarlet, thank you for the welcome.

Yes, I feel as if the relationship was cut to a sudden end - as I know is typical in these situations. I feel very much as if, while knowing about BPD, that I don't understand, as if I want to hear this person tell me their reasons, if that makes sense.

I feel as if I want my ex to really understand, to hear, to know that this has caused me significant pain. Ideally, I would want at least some sort of apology. I think even a "I'm sorry I did that to you" would enable me some relief, but this person is unlikely to ever do that, I don't think.

I still go over the 'discard' in my mind, and the silence that took place afterwards and that is still going on, three months later. Am I not missed? Does this person not regret doing that? It's as if this person has just died, they don't exist. I am struggling so much, and I think this person has met someone else and that makes me feel sick, anxious, frustrated, sad.

I myself feel very low, depressed, and fixated on this entire situation. I don't know what would help me. I'm unable to even leave the house, most days.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I know how you feel. There are so many here who truly understand how you feel, mind, heart and soul.

How long where you together?
What happened that cut the relationship to a sudden end?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I have the same issue though my breakup is less than a week. Intellectually I know that contacting her would just prolong the pain- and she’s blocked my phone anyway-there’s also the part of me that wants to understand how she could go to such an extreme so quickly. From taking about marriage one day to discarding me the next,
Very hard to accept

A big welcome to you, too, Jaaj61. Not even a week out of the break-up, that can be really raw. It's so hard to sit without any answers to what happened. If you feel up to it, feel free to start a new thread to tell how much or little you're comfortable with sharing. I'll look for you on the board!

Scarlet P.

[ironmonger_row]

I know how you feel. There are so many here who truly understand how you feel, mind, heart and soul.

How long where you together?
What happened that cut the relationship to a sudden end?

We were together for around six months or so, it wasn't very long but very intense and fast-moving. We've known each other through friends for around a year and a half, though.

There was an incident where we'd gone out for lunch, and this person perceived my mood to be "bad", even though it wasn't. I was then subjected to what I can only describe as an angry rant, then I was broken up with - I was told that it was my fault, that I messed things up, and that we couldn't continue dating.

I then tried after this to make contact a few times, there was some intermittent contact, then it just stopped completely. I haven't spoken to this person directly for three months, now.

[insideoutside]

I feel as if I want my ex to really understand, to hear, to know that this has caused me significant pain. Ideally, I would want at least some sort of apology. I think even a "I'm sorry I did that to you" would enable me some relief, but this person is unlikely to ever do that, I don't think.

This is fruitless.  They can hear you perfectly fine, they just choose not to hear what you have to say, they hear what they want to hear and that its all your fault.  You will never get an apology as they never think they have done anything wrong.  I helped my friend through a very bad suicidal 3 months, I was always there to listen to him so he didn't feel alone, including over an hour on the phone as he travelled back home on a train from an audition as he felt so ill with suicidal ideation.  I suggested ideas about his housing and job situation, talked him through scenarios, looked up suitable housing for him in my free time etc.  I was worried about his situation, couldn't sleep at night and actually made myself ill with stressing about his life and how I could help turn it around.  He started distancing himself from me when he started to feel better and when I showed upset at this I was told to 'grow up'.  They think about themselves and themselves only.  After texting him last Saturday to give an update on a medical condition I have and it taking him 9 hours to respond, I've given up.  I'm not here to be used by him.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Intens and fast-moving is typical for these relationships. So even though 6 months might not be that long, it can feel like you've shared a lot already. Six months into my relationship with my ex, I felt like he had seen into the depths of my soul, like no other had done before. A real "movie-romance".

Have you read How a Borderline Relationship Evolves ? Maybe you will recognise it. Maybe have a look and let us know what you think?

There are some great resources here on top of the list of posts to peruse when you feel up to it.

[ironmonger_row]

This is fruitless.  They can hear you perfectly fine, they just choose not to hear what you have to say, they hear what they want to hear and that its all your fault.  You will never get an apology as they never think they have done anything wrong.  I helped my friend through a very bad suicidal 3 months, I was always there to listen to him so he didn't feel alone, including over an hour on the phone as he travelled back home on a train from an audition as he felt so ill with suicidal ideation.  I suggested ideas about his housing and job situation, talked him through scenarios, looked up suitable housing for him in my free time etc.  I was worried about his situation, couldn't sleep at night and actually made myself ill with stressing about his life and how I could help turn it around.  He started distancing himself from me when he started to feel better and when I showed upset at this I was told to 'grow up'.  They think about themselves and themselves only.  After texting him last Saturday to give an update on a medical condition I have and it taking him 9 hours to respond, I've given up.  I'm not here to be used by him.

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Seems as if there are many people in the world who utilise others for their own needs, which is very upsetting and unfair.

Yes, when I was involved with this person I was blamed for everything. I was constantly compared to some historical ex that I'd never met, told that I was just like them. I was blamed for triggering the anger, I was told I needed to go into therapy. At points, this person made me write lists about my flaws, things I should change about myself so as not to annoy them.

This person is, I'm sure, NPD as well as BPD. A particularly nasty streak, when it comes to discussion of feelings. Any contact I've ever made has been tailored to this person's feelings/reactions, for fear of reprisals or insults or more silence.

At this stage, I do just feel frustration at them having 'gotten away with it' and would like to just say, "you know what, you caused me a lot of pain and you let me down" even though I know there'd be no response or a negative one.

[ironmonger_row]

Intens and fast-moving is typical for these relationships. So even though 6 months might not be that long, it can feel like you've shared a lot already. Six months into my relationship with my ex, I felt like he had seen into the depths of my soul, like no other had done before. A real "movie-romance".

Have you read How a Borderline Relationship Evolves ? Maybe you will recognise it. Maybe have a look and let us know what you think?

There are some great resources here on top of the list of posts to peruse when you feel up to it.

I'll be sure to take a look at those resources, and I just read that link - very insightful. Thank you for sharing that.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

You're welcome 

[ironmonger_row]

This is something I've written, I thought I would post it here at this stage, rather than send it.

Hey,

I still don’t understand what happened on that day. I had thought that things were going well between us, we had just spent a week together where I had enjoyed your company and felt as we had been getting closer.

I feel as if that was an act of sabotage, because you were feeling emotions towards me that you did not know how to handle. You have told me that you sabotage relationships, so I can only assume that is what happened.

I do not understand why you became so angry with me – I was shocked to be on the receiving end of that, and quite hurt. I have tried my best to understand it, but it happened and we can’t go back into the past.

I don’t understand, either, how you could go from being so intensely involved with me over a long period of time to suddenly cutting me out of your life. It is fine if you decided you didn’t want to date me anymore, but the literal overnight nature of it was confusing and took a long time to understand and get over. I don’t understand why you stopped responding to me and started avoiding me in person.

I understand that my mood may have triggered you, and I accept my responsibility there, and I can only apologise for not handling that in a better way – for both of us. I am of course a person, and my moods will not always be the same, in the same way that anyone else’s won’t be.

All I had really wanted from you was to spend time with you. I understood that you did have difficulties with intimacy, and I tried my best to work with that. It perhaps, at the time, was not what I wanted, but I enjoyed being around you and was willing to try and overlook it. I felt that our dynamic, though not perfect, was one of the first times I’ve felt genuinely happy, so I will thank you for that. I did have a lot of fun.

I have tried a few times to talk to you, to try and fix the friendship – you haven’t responded. I can only take from that, then, that you don’t want to be in my life and don’t want me in yours. I wish you had just been able to convey that to me without ignoring me in person and in messages.

I don't know. After writing it out, I don't know. I think my ex also may be dating someone new, so anything I send will be viewed more negatively than it would if they weren't seeing anyone.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear I_Row-

I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this confusion and sadness.  I believe what you’re experiencing is the rumination that can accompany the detaching process from these intense relationships.  Not easy, but you can move through it.

I feel it’s important for you to use care NOT to do anything that will heighten your emotions at this point (or lower them).  And sending the letter will likely do that.  You’ll be left waiting.  And waiting.  Since your ex has not responded to your prior efforts at contact, putting this heartfelt effort out there will only serve to hurt YOU.  Most pwBPD /NPD traits are not interested in how you’re feeling once they’re gone.  Sorry to say, but it’s pretty true.  There’s an absence of object constancy.

You may understand this, but to a pwBPD Feelings = Facts.  Their feelings.  Unless they have really worked on themselves, self-reflection is often limited and they’re not able to grasp the impact their actions have on others - therefore the projection and blame.  Their deep wounds just go too deep.  Staying in relationships takes a LOT for them.  And even more for their partners.

Your friend may see this reaching out as a weakness in you.  And may lessen the chances that he / she will consider cycling back to you.  Unless that has been your pattern in the past.

My suggestion is that you try and force yourself to step out of your house.  If you can, Gather your friends around you and ask for their help to pull you from this funk.  Baby steps.  Also reading through this site, for a deeper understanding of the evolution of this relationship and why you feel the way you do right now will help you move through this.

I’m sorry to say, I_R, but there is no healthy closure with a disordered mind.  However There IS light for you.  You just need to move your mind into believing there is.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Jaaj61]

Hi I_rov
So sorry for what your going through
Your letter really touched me as I could’ve written almost the very some one word for word to my ex.
Amazing how even knowing and seeing these patterns over and over, the pull is to still try and “win them back” . Or at least get them to see the light. I know my experience was that so often I just wanted a glimpse of the validation that my ex demanded. And always I was the one left apologizing.
Gemsforeyes- thank you for your very insightful reply. Great reminder me for sure

[Jaaj61]

And Scarlett- thank your the welcome and great resource with that article. Very very helpful to see that I’m not crazy or alone

[HopelessBroken]

IM, we are in the exact same situation. I could have wrote your posts. I am 9 recycles ahead of you.  If I may offer feedback...do not send anything at this point. It will not get you what you are wanting. What it will get you is anxiety and further hurt. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I understand how you are feeling. We are in this together.

[incognitoMe]

Writing these letters is therapeutic, but don't send them!  It will only give more ammunition to be used against you. Every letter I wrote to fix things was used against me to try and make me feel like a terrible person.

[once removed]

hi  ironmonger_row,

yours is a very heartfelt letter. my breakup felt very sudden as well, and i had so many questions.

if you want to reach out, i would encourage you to post on the Bettering board and get feedback there, remember, Detaching is a breakup board  .

if its just an exercise to get your feelings out, that can definitely help too.

[ironmonger_row]

I have been apart from an ex for around three months, now. The relationship was very short and ended with an anger outburst from them, and I was blamed for it. I've tried to reach out a few times, and have had no response.

I am still very much struggling with this. I wonder if it is feasible to send some sort of contact along the lines of "I don't understand why you pushed me away...", and expressing that I really did love this person, or if that's a bad idea.

The person was never receptive to discussions of feelings and would often chastise me, calling me boring, melodramatic, etc. Also quite rude and dismissive, and threats of blocking and silence.

But this contact wouldn't be to try and win this person back. If anything, I am sure that it would sever the connection once and for all.

I have been debating doing this for a while, if truth be told I am afraid of the person and their reaction.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey ironmonger_row

I wonder if it is feasible to send some sort of contact along the lines of "I don't understand why you pushed me away..." [...]
The person was never receptive to discussions of feelings

What if she doesn't even understand herself? there was probably a reason why she avoided talking about feelings, it either hurts (with the corresponding deflection/self protection of "why are you so annoying?") or its difficult to put to words ("you're trying to make me look stupid"), or she feels vulnerable ("I'm not weak, you're weak/boring/melodramatic/whatever") or a million other possible things, or all of the above.

I am sure that it would sever the connection once and for all.

I have been debating doing this for a while, if truth be told I am afraid of the person and their reaction.

So are you trying to reopen communication or getting closure?

In my experience the latter is actually harder to get. Sometimes people spontaneously start talking again (my bpdexgf did it a few times, with 2-3 months in between), sometimes not (ex also did that  been 9 months since I last talked to her).

The relationship was very short

I'm sorry if you posted this already in another thread and you have to repeat it here but how would you define the relationship (dating, exclusive, "official", fwb, something else)? How short was it?

[Skip]

Man, this stuff is hard. I can feel your pain in all of this. Hang on... it's had to lose someone you love.

I still don’t understand what happened on that day. I had thought that things were going well between us, we had just spent a week together where I had enjoyed your company and felt as we had been getting closer.

I feel as if that was an act of sabotage, because you were feeling emotions towards me that you did not know how to handle. You have told me that you sabotage relationships, so I can only assume that is what happened.

I do not understand why you became so angry with me – I was shocked to be on the receiving end of that, and quite hurt. I have tried my best to understand it, but it happened and we can’t go back into the past.

I don’t understand, either, how you could go from being so intensely involved with me over a long period of time to suddenly cutting me out of your life. It is fine if you decided you didn’t want to date me anymore, but the literal overnight nature of it was confusing and took a long time to understand and get over. I don’t understand why you stopped responding to me and started avoiding me in person.

I understand that my mood may have triggered you, and I accept my responsibility there, and I can only apologise for not handling that in a better way – for both of us. I am of course a person, and my moods will not always be the same, in the same way that anyone else’s won’t be.

All I had really wanted from you was to spend time with you. I understood that you did have difficulties with intimacy, and I tried my best to work with that. It perhaps, at the time, was not what I wanted, but I enjoyed being around you and was willing to try and overlook it. I felt that our dynamic, though not perfect, was one of the first times I’ve felt genuinely happy, so I will thank you for that. I did have a lot of fun.

I have tried a few times to talk to you, to try and fix the friendship – you haven’t responded. I can only take from that, then, that you don’t want to be in my life and don’t want me in yours. I wish you had just been able to convey that to me without ignoring me in person and in messages.

So, let's forget about "BPD" and "NPD" for a minute. You were in a relationship. Your partner ended it 90 days ago. You drafted a letter spurned lovers often feel a need to send (and vulnerable about)... and leaving partners hate to receive (and often find embarrassing, annoying or pathetic). Forget about "BPD" and "NPD".

You know this. You say it in not so many words. And you have had previous unanswered notes. This stuff doesn't work. Human nature.

So what then can you do?

Maybe the place to start is to look at the prior letters you sent (post them here) and let's see what you said. You may have already said all that can be said. They may have heard it. And they may have resolved themselves to the answer and just aren't sharing.

Those letters were sent, received, read, and reacted to in some way. Let's break that down and see where it takes us - both in terms of what can be done with communications and in terms of what is haunting you.

Ultimately, if you do want to send a letter, it has to be in tune with his feelings, not yours, and it has to be in tune with July 2019, not April, to get a response. Again, human nature. It's a tall order, I know, but that is probably the best "human psychology" answer.

[40days_in_desert]

Ironmonger - No two people are alike and that includes pwBPD/NPD. I want to share that even if your ex gives you the "I'm sorry" that you're looking for you might end up more confused. There's nothing wrong with desiring the closure and apologies that you're looking for. The shame that pwBPD feel either keeps them in the projection/blame state of mind permanently or brings them back even if they do seem to "see the light" at one point. My ex first apologized a year and a half after she left. Then literally turned 180 a couple of weeks later to blaming me for everything. She has gone back and forth from saying that she "ruined our family and it's all my fault" to "it's all your fault" at least a dozen times since then.

Your ex may randomly contact you one day and say that she is sorry for causing the relationship to end or she may never contact you again. I can tell you that right now that your letter will most likely not hit your intended target as heartfelt and honest as it is. If she does reach out one day and apologize and give some sort of closure, be prepared for the likelihood of a reversal soon after. I think writing out what you did is healthy if it helps you. I did the same thing but didn't send them. It's been four years for me and I can tell you that it does get better with time. Allow yourself time to heal. 

If you do choose to contact her, be prepared to not get the response you are looking for. Using some sales training that I had gone through years ago, "If you want to know the future, bring it to the present". If you send a letter or try and contact her, what do you feel will likely happen? What do you think her response will be (not what you want it to be)?

[ironmonger_row]

Hi Snap, thanks for the reply

What if she doesn't even understand herself? there was probably a reason why she avoided talking about feelings, it either hurts (with the corresponding deflection/self protection of "why are you so annoying?") or its difficult to put to words ("you're trying to make me look stupid"), or she feels vulnerable ("I'm not weak, you're weak/boring/melodramatic/whatever") or a million other possible things, or all of the above.

She did all of those, and at the time I viewed it as her being unfairly rude/hostile, and it hurt. What you're saying here makes sense and helps me to see that there were probably reasons for her being that way.

So are you trying to reopen communication or getting closure?

Probably, if I'm being honest, to reopen communication.

I'm sorry if you posted this already in another thread and you have to repeat it here but how would you define the relationship (dating, exclusive, "official", fwb, something else)? How short was it?

Six months or so. Known her for a while before that. I would have defined it as a relationship; we spent almost every day together and when we weren't together we would talk constantly. She, however, didn't define it as one - this was identified to be down to a fear of feeling trapped and would regularly tell me her feelings for me etc, and seemed scared to use the label of 'relationship' for many different reasons.

[ironmonger_row]

If you do choose to contact her, be prepared to not get the response you are looking for. Using some sales training that I had gone through years ago, "If you want to know the future, bring it to the present". If you send a letter or try and contact her, what do you feel will likely happen? What do you think her response will be (not what you want it to be)?

It will probably be something negative - I might get ignored, or I might be insulted. I won't contact her, it's just that sometimes I really feel as if I need to. I won't. I'm aware of all the reasons and relationship rules that dictate why I shouldn't.

[ironmonger_row]

So, let's forget about "BPD" and "NPD" for a minute. You were in a relationship. Your partner ended it 90 days ago. You drafted a letter spurned lovers often feel a need to send (and vulnerable about)... and leaving partners hate to receive (and often find embarrassing, annoying or pathetic). Forget about "BPD" and "NPD".

It's only due to BPD/NPD that I would consider reaching out at this stage. I have never thought about reaching out to any other ex at a late stage such as this. I have read so much about recycles (and experienced them with this person) which makes me think it's possible again. My last two break ups (with nons) did not involve anything like that, and I certainly would never have contacted them after three months.

[Skip]

It's only due to BPD/NPD that I would consider reaching out at this stage.

I think my point is that the letter would be a non-starter for a mostly normal relationships.

It will be a double non-starter for someone with heightened emotions.