Borderline and childhood trauma / dysfunction.

[Depression = 72% of members]

We read so much about what triggers BPD, eg’ childhood trauma... abusive and dysfunctional early life, often it’s generational... we read; “nature - nurture”.

I remember this song from the very late nineteen nineties(?)... I heard it again the other day... and it made me, a full grown 53 year old man... break down in tears... I remembered my first marriage, 21 years, three kids... I remembered when they were so little, and so many problems me and my ‘wife’ at the time we’re having, terrible things, I stayed in that marriage for the kids... I became a shell, broken... so much betrayal and pain... but I stayed... all I wanted was for us to be a secure and safe family, that’s what our children needed and deserved... something my ex-wife and I didn’t have from our own biological parents... I wanted us to “make it”...to break the dysfunctional patterns...but it didn’t happen... so sad, I post the lyrics below and a link to the tune...

Red5

~<...>~

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
Say bad words that make me want to cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels that make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I like to laugh so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't want to go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't want to hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no

I don't want to hear you say
We both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no

I don't want to meet your friends
And I don't want to start over again
I just want to my life to be the same
Just like it used to be

Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eg9XqqQAn94

[Red5]

We read so much about what triggers BPD, eg’ childhood trauma... abusive and dysfunctional early life, often it’s generational... we read; “nature - nurture”.

I remember this song from the very late nineteen nineties(?)... I heard it again the other day... and it made me, a full grown 53 year old man... break down in tears... I remembered my first marriage, 21 years, three kids... I remembered when they were so little, and so many problems me and my ‘wife’ at the time we’re having, terrible things, I stayed in that marriage for the kids... I became a shell, broken... so much betrayal and pain... but I stayed... all I wanted was for us to be a secure and safe family, that’s what our children needed and deserved... something my ex-wife and I didn’t have from our own biological parents... I wanted us to “make it”...to break the dysfunctional patterns...but it didn’t happen... so sad, I post the lyrics below and a link to the tune...

Red5

~<...>~

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
Say bad words that make me want to cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels that make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

Tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I like to laugh so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't want to go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't want to hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no

I don't want to hear you say
We both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no

I don't want to meet your friends
And I don't want to start over again
I just want to my life to be the same
Just like it used to be

Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eg9XqqQAn94

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[truthbeknown]

We read so much about what triggers BPD, eg’ childhood trauma ... abusive and dysfunctional early life, often it’s generational... we read; “nature - nurture”.

I remember this song from the very late nineteen nineties(?)... I heard it again the other day... and it made me, a full grown 53 year old man... break down in tears... I remembered my first marriage, 21 years, three kids... I remembered when they were so little, and so many problems me and my ‘wife’ at the time we’re having, terrible things, ... I stayed in that marriage for the kids... I became a shell, broken... so much betrayal and pain... but I stayed... all I wanted was for us to be a secure and safe family, that’s what our children needed and deserved... something my ex-wife and I didn’t have from our own biological parents... I wanted us to “make it”...to break the dysfunctional patterns ...but it didn’t happen... so sad, ... I post the lyrics below and a link to the tune...

Red5

~<...>~

Red5:  Your post could have been my exact same thoughts / feelings/ situation.  I was in a long term marriage too and stayed for the kids.  Now she alienates them against me.   I have studied Imago theory stuff and I think that my relationships have been some form of Imago's - trying to subconsciously heal the trauma from my past.  I got into a relationship last summer and now things are looking like another repeat.  I find myself saying exactly the same thing "I want to break this dysfunctional pattern with someone else who wants to break theirs."  So far she seems to be one of the only partners that I have been with that really wants to try and break her patterns.  However, recently she has gotten so dysregulated that she started to paint me black and project her childhood trauma of her parents getting divorced (dad cheated) onto me.  I went from her hero to some loser guy and even though she apologized and has "snapped out of it" I'm afraid that if I stay in this relationship she will "snap back into it".  I can predict that there will be ups/downs and my PTSD from my current ex wife alienating the kids may rob me of any bravery to continue on.  I'm afraid i'll never find an emotionally stable partner unless I settle for someone i'm not attracted to or don't really want to be in a relationship with? Maybe it's just my fears because i'm getting older too? maybe I losing faith in myself because I attract personality disordered women because i'm still trying to subconsciously use them to fix my childhood trauma?  IDK- I just feel sorry for myself sometimes.  Thanks for sharing your post.  I hope you are doing okay.

[COLB]

Red 5 this is on my spotify and I cry in my car every time it comes on...I also have stayed for my children and after 30 years I wonder why...the older children are estranged from my wife and I in either totality (my oldest does not communicate at all with us), estranged from my wife only (our oldest daughter, our third child), or distant (our second child and second son avoids us when he thinks things are bad with his mother).  I see our fourth child, our 17 year old son going down this path now as he locks himself in his room when he comes home and does everything he can to avoid coming home.  I am so very heartbroken.  I love my children and try to connect with them. I take the older two that talk to me to lunch once a week to stay connected. I just feel like I have lost site of the strategic objective because of the tactical survival.  I have always tried to be there for them but I don't think it was enough and I failed to protect them from the emotional abuse that what was happening when I was not there.  To keep them from living with the divorced parents and pain that I went through I have given them something worse...been a rough week. 

B