I don’t trust my partner Part 2

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337062.0

Snowglobe-

This is said with caring and concern. You are completely focused on your H, what he says, what he does, what he eats, what he did and what he's doing. This is not helping you or him.

Please take the focus off him and on to what you need to do. So he says crazy things. He's disordered. You have to detach your fate from his hands and take some of it on to yourself. ( note this is not saying leave- it is saying take some steps to insure your own survival because he isn't doing that.)

Wendy, where do I start? This sudden discord and change of direction going from upgrading living conditions to pulling the plug on the entire enterprise. Logically I know I own a half of what we are getting, also the business and etc. In actuality and in fact I am homeless. I’ve been so sheltered and used to him making the big decisions and actually trusted him, that now, I feel completely crushed and unable to think or formulate any plan

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337062.0

Snowglobe-

This is said with caring and concern. You are completely focused on your H, what he says, what he does, what he eats, what he did and what he's doing. This is not helping you or him.

Please take the focus off him and on to what you need to do. So he says crazy things. He's disordered. You have to detach your fate from his hands and take some of it on to yourself. ( note this is not saying leave- it is saying take some steps to insure your own survival because he isn't doing that.)

Wendy, where do I start? This sudden discord and change of direction going from upgrading living conditions to pulling the plug on the entire enterprise. Logically I know I own a half of what we are getting, also the business and etc. In actuality and in fact I am homeless. I’ve been so sheltered and used to him making the big decisions and actually trusted him, that now, I feel completely crushed and unable to think or formulate any plan

[formflier]

  In actuality and in fact I am homeless. 

Snowglobe,

How is this true? Seriously... you start by rationally examining the truth.  That requires lowering emotions.  Lowering yours.

FF

[GaGrl]

Now is the time to get legal advice and to make plans.

This may sound simplistic, but you can focus your efforts now on legal consultations and finding transition housing -- this will in likelihood be a rental. THAT IS OKAY! Transition housing happens all the time, for many reasons.

The quicker you connect with a therapist, the better. If your regular therapist is not available, she/he probably left a referral -- TALK TO SOMEONE QUICKLY.I

Ask about temporary orders, should you move into your own housing and needful support, living expense support.

Focus right now on the logistics of setting up a transition household -- one that you can support through your $$$ resources plus y o ur common-sense negotiations along with a lawyer who knows what you are trying to accomplish.

[formflier]

  Transition housing happens all the time, for many reasons.

I would suggest that rental housing is preferable for you.  Making "permanent" decisions in the midst (or really the start) of a big transition is likely not a wise move.

"Keeping you tent stakes loose..." is valuable...wise.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think it's important to think outside of victim mode. Yes, you feel betrayed by what your H did, but thinking in terms of "he did this to me" doesn't help you find a solution to what you need to do.

You need to see a lawyer to determine what- if any- assets are yours to place in a bank account that your H does not have access to. This is the amount you have to decide on a way to find housing for you and the children. You may need to contact social services for any assistance if needed. The lawyer can consult you on this.

You may not be a home owner, but you are not homeless at the moment. Many people rent and they are not homeless. What resources do you have in your community in terms of domestic violence shelters, or other resources- what are the last resort supports for women and children in your community?

I agree with FF that a rental is a sensible choice when things are in flux. Buying  a home ties up funds, comes with repairs, and upkeep. A rental is less of a commitment when things are unsettled. 

You aren't single, but your H is unreliable. It may help to "think as a single person" at solutions and options.

I know you are angry and want to hurt him back. I agree with the others to not do this. Don't act on him at all- don't try to hurt him, don't massage or coerce. Try to keep your focus on what to do about you and the kids and not escalate the drama between you. Either reaction- to get in his face or to coerce and beg is adding to drama. You need your mental focus to be on what to do for you and the kids, not him.

[Cat Familiar]

I think it's important to think outside of victim mode. Yes, you feel betrayed by what your H did, but thinking in terms of "he did this to me" doesn't help you find a solution to what you need to do.

I know you are angry and want to hurt him back. I agree with the others to not do this. Don't act on him at all- don't try to hurt him, don't massage or coerce. Try to keep your focus on what to do about you and the kids and not escalate the drama between you. Either reaction- to get in his face or to coerce and beg is adding to drama. You need your mental focus to be on what to do for you and the kids, not him.

I'm going to be blunt, snowglobe. You've been stuck for years in the same situation. What he's done with the sale of the house has forced you to look at things differently.

You've been stuck in victim mode. Yes, you have reason to feel that others have let you down, betrayed you. But in order to move forward, you'll have to let this way of thinking go. You now need to be strong and assertive and take care of your children's future, because your husband is neither willing nor capable of doing so.

You've tried to appease him with massage, sex, whatever--but he's going to do what he will, not what you want. He's shown you this time and time again. Don't keep demeaning yourself trying to buy his favor. It just makes you look small and weak in his eyes.

It's time to take action. See an attorney. See a therapist. Arrange housing for yourself and your kids. He can do whatever--it's no longer your concern what he does. No more begging. No more appeasing. Your responsibility is to your kids, not him.

[formflier]

  It just makes you look small and weak in his eyes.

And "invites" him to treat you as a small and weak person. 

I'm not saying this is ok..but it is part of the cycle.  Think about how he treats "strong" people..and how he treats "insignificant" people.

That should give you your answer.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Snowglobe

How are you doing?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Snowglobe

How are you doing?

Best,

FF

Hi Ff,
Turbulence at its best, we have been viewing the properties and even made an offer. The catch is the offer is so unreasonable, lower by 20% that it’s unlikely to go through. I will keep you updated on the development of my saga a bit later

[formflier]

Assume the offer or something close to it goes through. 

How much of your half of the sale proceeds of your current home will be needed to complete the sale?

Said/asked another way, how much $$ will you be left controlling so you can make healthcare choices (and other choices) for you and your children...independently from your pwBPD.

How are your summer school classes going?  Do I remember right...one more until graduation?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Assume the offer or something close to it goes through. 

How much of your half of the sale proceeds of your current home will be needed to complete the sale?

Said/asked another way, how much $$ will you be left controlling so you can make healthcare choices (and other choices) for you and your children...independently from your pwBPD.

How are your summer school classes going?  Do I remember right...one more until graduation?

Best,

FF

Hi Ff,
I’ve forsaken my last course, it’s online and started already and I don’t even have the textbook. My head is spinning and I’m having hundred  of panic attacks per day. My memory is also affected and fuzzy. I don’t remember names or details. I don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I won’t have more control of the finances more then I do now- which is none. He keeps all equity in crypto thus ensuring his financial security, sort of like “post nap.” I don’t have any access or even evidence to prove that he had it to begin with. He keeps it on the hard wallet thus maintaining his anonymity and making it untraceable. Even if I could get the actual wallet, I don’t have codes to unlock it or to move it. I kind of made my peace with it, as it’s crazy to try and change things outside of my control. At his will or emotional decision he can gift, liquidate or spent those money. 

[Cat Familiar]

If the offer is rejected, you will still legally have half the proceeds from the sale of your house.

Have you seen a lawyer yet to protect your assets?

[formflier]

Why on earth would you ever agree to this?

If you want a different life...you MUST make different choices.  Not him..not your neighbor..not your children...but YOU are the one faced with making a different choice.

Other people can then figure out how to react to you.

Haven't we been in a place before where you were almost there with coursework and you gave it up...

I'm not trying to be mean.  I am trying to be frank with you that the pathway YOU are choosing is unlikely to lead you to different life.

This is your choice...I'm not telling you what to do, yet I also think we have an obligation to point out that the path you are on is not going to get you to the destination you have said you want to go to.

Best,

FF

[stolencrumbs]

Hi Ff,
I’ve forsaken my last course, it’s online and started already and I don’t even have the textbook. My head is spinning and I’m having hundred  of panic attacks per day. My memory is also affected and fuzzy. I don’t remember names or details. I don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I won’t have more control of the finances more then I do now- which is none. He keeps all equity in crypto thus ensuring his financial security, sort of like “post nap.” I don’t have any access or even evidence to prove that he had it to begin with. He keeps it on the hard wallet thus maintaining his anonymity and making it untraceable. Even if I could get the actual wallet, I don’t have codes to unlock it or to move it. I kind of made my peace with it, as it’s crazy to try and change things outside of my control. At his will or emotional decision he can gift, liquidate or spent those money. 

Hey snowglobe. I'll leave the advice on everything else to others who are better equipped to deliver it right now than I am. But I wanted to chime in just to say don't give up on that last course yet. I know there's a lot going on, and maybe it's not possible to get through the course, but if it only started recently, I'd bet you can still catch up. We professors sometimes have a well-deserved reputation for being a-holes, but not all of us are. With even minimal details about what you're going through, I'd give you all the chances in the world to complete that class. And the university definitely wants you in the class, and they definitely want you to graduate. I'm pulling for you right there with everybody else here. 

[formflier]

I second Stolencrumbs...attempt the course.  Do your best...ask for extra help. 

If you pass you graduate...

Shoot for doing better...but you know you just have to pass. 

It will be a good distraction!

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

I second Stolencrumbs...attempt the course.  Do your best...ask for extra help. 

If you pass you graduate...

Shoot for doing better...but you know you just have to pass. 

It will be a good distraction!

Best,

FF

Hi guys, thank you for kicking my butt, going to university bookstore tomorrow and will get book.

[GaGrl]

Now you're talking!

[snowglobe]

Now you're talking!

I’ve started a separate post. He just moved out of our bedroom and wants a divorce. I was told not to contact him via phone or try and talk to him. The only acceptable way of communicating is through messages. He also advised me of moving out for good and wanting a divorce since I crossed his line

[formflier]

How is your class going? 

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

How is your class going? 

Best,

FF

Thank you for kicking my but that time. I first registered for online course, then realizing I needed to make time and discipline to succeed. I’m not able to do that in my current state. So after much pleading with the department and online checking, the fate allowed me to register for final graduate course. I’m now attending twice I week. It’s a welcome breath of fresh air and reality check. I’m also seeing my new therapist weekly, reliving my childhood traumas with her. Identifying and working on my triggers. She is giving me a sense of security, dependability and a hope that whatever comes next I can survive it. I will be done early August with my course. Meanwhile ubpdh made two unsuccessful bids on the estate homes which fell through, as he is so far away from what the sellers are asking. He is telling me to “chill out and relax, stop being obsessed and ocd” talking about the properties all the time.

[formflier]

  Meanwhile ubpdh made two unsuccessful bids on the estate homes which fell through, as he is so far away from what the sellers are asking. 

Were you a signatory to those bids?

Will you be a signatory to future bids?

Glad you course is going...

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Were you a signatory to those bids?

Will you be a signatory to future bids?

Glad you course is going...

Best,

FF

I was signing, in hopes he would buy something. If he bids again, I will sign, as I still hold out hope that we can buy another family home. Not buying one is my worst fear come true

[formflier]

  Not buying one is my worst fear come true

Can you sit with this for a while today?

After all you have said about not trusting him, wanting a different life, wanting financial independence..etc etc.

Is not buying a house really your "worst" fear?

I'm assuming since you bid he took your pricing input and put in a bid that YOU suggested..right?  I was under the impression in your prior posts he was setting bid price.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

I'm assuming since you bid he took your pricing input and put in a bid that YOU suggested..right?  I was under the impression in your prior posts he was setting bid price.

Best,

FF

Ff,
He listens to my input of the property but he sets the bid and determines the amount. So far we have had two deals that didn’t go through because of unreasonably small bids

[formflier]

Can you sit with this for a while today?

After all you have said about not trusting him, wanting a different life, wanting financial independence..etc etc.

Is not buying a house really your "worst" fear?
 
Best,

FF

What are your thoughts on these issues?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

What are your thoughts on these issues?

Best,

FF

That he does it to divert my attention aka “smoke and mirrors” only to say that we have to go into rental at the end. Which I won’t do.

[formflier]

  Which I won’t do.

You seem to keep changing you mind on this issue and on "what you want".

Your "financial independence" is needed in order to change your life.  Otherwise your posts will look, read and feel the same in a year...5 years..10 years.

I'm not aware of anyone else on these boards that has different analysis.  If anyone thinks differently..please speak up.

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

Snowglobe, I agree with FF -- the overwhelming advice on renting a house as a transition has been that it is something millions of people do. It does not signify poverty or loss -- it is a solid transition option.

If you don't do the work (with your T) to resolve your deep-seated fears, we will be reading about them (as FF says) in 5, 10, and 15 years.

What would place you in a precarious position would be for the proceeds of the sale of your house to be placed in an account to which your husband has access to your 50%. You must take control of your half of the sale. That way, if you are in a transition situation, and he is foolish with his half, you know you have the security of your half.

Are you 100% confident you are set up to control your half?

[Cat Familiar]

Agree 100% with formflier and GaGrl. Do you want things to continue the way they have been? Or do you want financial security? Choose one or the other.

[Notwendy]

That he does it to divert my attention aka “smoke and mirrors” only to say that we have to go into rental at the end. Which I won’t do.

While I agree with the others that change is possible with a change in behavior patterns to establish some financial freedom, I also think the issues over the house purchase are difficult ones- but I see Snowglobe as making progress towards this.

I commend you Snowglobe for working with the T and for enrolling in the class that you need to graduate. These are two very important steps to take care of you- your fears, and your own goals.

Sometimes progress isn't linear. It might be two steps forward, one step back. The dynamics between you and your H are well rehearsed and doing them can feel automatic. Seeing this is a first step. You say your H is making low bids as smoke and mirrors to get into a rental. What is your part in this? When you go through the motions with him- knowing he's making an unrealistic bid- are you also validating this invalid mind set?

However, what can you do about it? If he's in charge of the bidding, the home and you want a home with him- this is the situation you are faced with.

About a rental. I think the fear of rentals may not be rational. It's a reality for many people in different situation. It's a reality for people who sell a home and are looking for another one, or are moving. Buying a home is a big decision and many people rent while they are looking. A rental may symbolize a lack of stability in a relationship to you - but that has more to do with the relationship than the rental. If you want a home to make it more complicated for your H to leave, if he wanted to leave, that would not make for a happy home.

A bit about boundaries. Boundaries apply to your own behavior- not someone else's. A boundary might be " If my H is yelling at me- I will leave the room". You can control your part of this- not his. A boundary also has to be something you can enforce- otherwise it isn't a possible boundary. Saying " I won't go in a rental" isn't enforceable when selling a home. If people sell a home and don't find another one to buy by the time they need to move out, then a rental is their option if they want a place to live.

Unless you take over the bidding- which you probably are not in a position to do, whether or not you are in a rental depends on if the bid is accepted. It isn't under your control. Maybe it will be, maybe it won't. But if it doesn't, and your family needs a place to live- then a rental is the option. Setting a boundary on this isn't going to be something you can uphold unless you have another option such as staying with relatives somewhere- etc.

Buying a home doesn't mean stability if it isn't affordable. When someone buys a home, unless they pay for all of it, they have a mortgage. The bank technically owns the home. If the mortgage isn't paid then the bank can repossess it.

Maybe it would help to take the idea that buying is always more stable than renting out of the situation and focus on your own progress whether you are in a rental or someone accepts a bid.