Advise please

[StressedOutDaily]

D16's behavior has escalated in the last 2 weeks...
She has discovered that we can't physically keep her home - so she goes when she wants.. getting boys to pay for Ubers for her, getting rides with people she just met, hanging out with a whole new group of kids...drop outs, stoners, kids who have been kicked out of their homes, she has started smoking pot and the last three days came home high as a kite.   

Last night we got into an argument - she packed a bag and left at 9:30 at night.  Walked to a "friends" house (in the rain)- a kid I would rather her not hang out with, the one she is getting high with everyday.  At least I knew where she was. The mom wasn't home - she was staying at her BF's house.

She has an appt today with her T.  At first she said she wouldn't go, but she texted me awhile ago that she will go, but then she is going back to the friends house.   We are suppose to leave tomorrow morning for a 3 day "fun" family vacation, right now she said she is not going.  Hoping that will change by tonight.    Trying to think of what we will do if she refuses...I think that DH should go with DS, he has been looking forward to it, took 3 days from work.  No other time we can go he starts a summer course in July.  DH can't take time in August.  DH says no, he doesn't want to go.

She (we) have been seeing a DBT therapy practice since Feb.  She meets every week with the T - and my DH and I meet with our own T for coaching skills. We attended Family Connections.  Somedays I am skillful - yesterday I definitely was not.  We are now discussing IOP's - not sure I will be able to get her to go - I believe our insurance will cover the IOP.   An RTC would not be covered and financially difficult. It would mean taking out a loan or depleting our retirement accounts - and DH will not even discuss either. 

I am having difficulty with:
 |--->Getting in the mind set (and staying there!)that she is in pain and is doing the best she can - she knows no other way. She is not doing this stuff to just be a PIA and hurt us.
 |--->Trying to accept what is
 |--->How do I stay calm when she pushes my buttons - the two that get to me most are calling me names (very inappropriate profanity laced names) and ordering/demanding what I can/can not do or who I can/can not contact.   

She is only 16 and making such poor choices and I know that I am feeling scared that I have no control, and guilty, and alone, and grieving...and that doesn't help me to be skillful.  I am trying to take time for myself...but somedays there is no time.   Yesterday was one of those days -

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Any thoughts on why DD16's behaviors are escalating? Not that there has to be a specific reason...

What does your coach recommend?

About the skillful part. Parenting is such a moving target -- you might score a home run only to discover the child has grown and the goal posts have moved and new rules are in place. Even regular parenting feels like constant catch up 

How do you respond currently when DD16 screams profanities and makes commands?

Have you had any success with staying calm in the past? If it worked then, any thoughts on why now it's not?

[PeaceMom]

We had all these same issues when our DD was 16. My major stress at that time was honestly feeling that it was my duty as a mom to control her, get her to school, ensure she wasn’t breaking laws, that she wasn’t verbally abusing me in front of any outsiders.

I would cringe doing things in public with her bc one “wrong” word or look from me could set her off into a tirade It was horrifying. She was a HS cheerleader and in a service organization that put her in the spotlight as a mentor and a leader. All that fell apart Junior year.

I wish now that I had learned that I could control NOTHING she said or did. I was so desperate to keep the relationship going that I would try to do normal fun things with her only to be burned every single time.We did sell her car soon after the behavior began. We also cancelled her phone. That curbed her behavior a bit.

I hate that you might be punished staying home from vacation. That is sad.

Our local police are looking for teenagers smoking pot, staying out after curfew and drinking so natural consequences are likely to come into play in my town. My DD was arrested and taken to jail for a tiny bit of pot in her purse the day after she turned 17 (which is an adult in Texas). We let her stay with adults in jail for 12 hours.

I know you can get some specific advice from your T. Ours alway said “natural consequences” ,  “radical acceptance” and “boundaries” were the way to go. We aren’t much better off now except that she graduated HS. Hugs to you!

[Swimmy55]

Hi Peacemom,
For the short term maybe you and daughter can join husband on day 2? That will give an extra bit of time for her you and  she may be more amenable going. Or you and son go and husband/ daughter join day 2? And the whole vacay won’t go up in smoke . The important thing is to stay flexible. Be aware that she could go and be a pill on the vacay.  No high expectations.  I am a single mother but I actually had to stop vacationing with the son after a while altogether.  He got too sick to even go on one and I couldn’t handle him by myself.  
She is in pain  but so are you all . Don’t forget that part.
For the longer term lean on your personal therapist on your observations about her escalations and how any boundaries can be put in place.  I am not sure if your daughter has given her therapist permission to speak to you all. Meanwhile it is ok to feel lost about how to deal . Verbal abuse /aggression from the ill child is hard .A positive is that she has a therapist she goes to.  A quick way to insert a bit of calm into your psyche would be some deep breathing for about a minute or less.  Otherwise be observant of any other escalation of her behavior, keep reading here too.  

[Swimmy55]

I am sorry I used incorrect name. I meant Stressedoutdaily

[StressedOutDaily]

Swimmy - we discussed just one of us going with our son, but he didn't want to go if we all didn't go.   We are going to do some local stuff...I was looking forward to a change of view, but it will be okay.  You're right...we are being flexible.

Thank you,  I do try to do calming breathing exercises.  I have a great app: OAK .  It has guided and unguided mediations, breathing exercises and a great sleep mediation.  I have been using that a lot.

I will also be attending a mindfulness based stress reduction workshop starting the first week of July.  Its 2 1/2 hours a week for 8 weeks and a full day retreat.  I think that this should really be helpful.  I cant wait! 

[Swimmy55]

Splendid! Staycations are great. You got this!

[StressedOutDaily]

So much has happened in the past couple of days...

Monday - she left and slept at a friends house
Tuesday - I picked her up, took her to Therapy.  She tried to get us to agree to have some kid stay overnight with us, he had nowhere else to sleep - and to let her sleep with him on the sofa bed in the family room, otherwise she would leave and not come back.  We let the kid come for dinner, took everyone out for ice cream and offered to pay for a locksmith to get him back into his house...(supposedly his parents and 3 sisters went on vacation, didn't invite him, and he lost his key) . somehow just then a friend texted him and offered him a couch.   
The ex BF's mom invited her to come to their house for a fire pit party. I was suppose to get her at 11..she went, got back with BF (ugh!) and refused to come home.  She later told me they went to an abandoned factory and also walking the trails at a local park at 2 am. They "slept" under a blanket in the back yard until 4:30 when he smuggled her into the house and she slept in his closet.
Wednesday she refused to come home at all.  Spent the day with the BF, then ended up at his grandparents house, where she told them we kicked her out and she had nowhere to go...
On the plus side - she kept in touch with me...one minute telling me she hates us, the next calling me crying because she thinks the BF is upset with her.
We were in contact with our T's as they tried to develop a plan.  We used the morning to talk to the police department, and a couple of social service agencies in town to find out what we can do in a crisis and any resources available to us.
Today Thursday - I picked her up brought her home - her intention was to pack some clothers and go back out and spend the night with a friend or at the grandparents... but that wasn't part of our plan.  We sat down and told her the plan...1. she has a curfew and if she isn't home we will call the police to find her and bring her home 2. she must let us know where she is 3. she must take her meds 4. she must continue with therapy.    Boy did she get dis-regulated...screaming yelling, throwing stuff.  Ended up calling 211 - it took an hour for the social worker to come. For 30 minutes my DD16 was uncontrollable, we were very surprised that she didn't leave the house.  She ended up falling asleep.     She is much calmer now,  went out for a bit (and I think got high  :cursing but its 8:50 and she is home in her room and is being pleasant. 

I am so proud of my DH and I... we were calm, loving, and firm... used a lot of our newly learned skills (Thank you Family Connections!), deep breathing and prayers. 

She's home,  so hopefully we can all get a good night sleep.   

[mggt]

Dear Stress Great job great news  you are doing great  sending hugs

[wendydarling]

Wow what week SOD your DD really pushed it, you and H did great    I like your clear, simple plan of accountability, 1,2,3,4. Well done for keeping calm, loving and firm is empowering, and what our sensitive kids need, for us to have our feet firmly on the ground.

Along with LnLI'm wondering

How do you respond currently when DD16 screams profanities and makes commands?

What advice, guidance is your T providing?

I'm sorry your DD rained on your fun vacation, I think you did the right thing to use this time to demonstrate to DD you and H are united and determined and practice the skills you are learning.

Sending you strength and hugs.  

WDx

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi WD and LNL

How do you respond currently when DD16 screams profanities and makes commands?

It depends on the circumstances...but if we are having a conversation, and she starts to swear at me I tell her something like:  this discussion is important, I want to hear what you have to say and when you are swearing at me I can't really listen, so if it happens again, we will need to stop and we can try again later.   If she continues to swear I say something like:  I really want to have this conversation with you and I can't when you are swearing at me, so let's try again in an hour.  Then I leave the room.   So far she hasn't followed me.     and we were able to have the conversation later.

When she is really dis-regulated there is nothing I can do...I just try to remain calm.  As my T said...its just words and she doesn't have any skills, so think of them like the parents on Charlie Brown...(whaaaa, whaaa, whaaa) which is what I did the other day...I just didn't really listen to what she was screaming at me...and just focused on my breathing instead. 

Yes WD it really wasn't the vacation we thought we would have...but it is what it is.  Our DS20 was okay with staying home - the 3 of us (DH, DS and me) went to the movies yesterday - DD refused and went off with her "Friends"  and the 3 of us had a nice time together. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi SOD

Keep going, you've got this  , your DD is taking your cue, you've been able to have the conversation later.   

When she is really dis-regulated there is nothing I can do...I just try to remain calm.

Yes, let her come back to baseline in her own time, ride it out.

As my T said...its just words and she doesn't have any skills, so think of them like the parents on Charlie Brown...(whaaaa, whaaa, whaaa)

Wise words, made me smile   whaaaa. Your T is ace.  .

I've seen your new thread …

WDx