Feeling Borderline (and it's not me)

[Ceres]

Hi all,

I've been in this relationship for almost five years. He's broken up with me  3 times. Each time it has crushed me, but I didn't want to complicate his life, and haven't made contact with him. Yet after weeks, or two months at the longest he always initiates contact with me.  Sometimes he honors me so much, sometimes he puts me down. Sometimes he's jealous, sometimes  he thinks I'm going to leave him.  I've been through so much with this man, and I'd do it again because I do love him. When I told him that he doesn't respect me, he actually looked like he was going to cry, and said that he doesn't  know why he says these things. an  I've just been reading about this disorder and he has clear signs. He grew up in a war-torn country, and has PTSD as well. He quits promising jobs, and sabotages so many things. Besides all of that, he really is a good person, he sticks up for the underdog, his compassionate, unselfish, and industrious. He's just not always the best person to me. Also, I didn't realize that agreeing to break up, was probably the scariest thing I did to him. And Ignoring his antics probably didn't help. He listens to things people say about me because I'm a little older than him. That's when he starts 'splitting'...I'm bad because I'm ruining his opportunities with younger women.  I'm 40, but I don't look much older than him. I don't want to leave him, and I don't want him to leave me, but I know he's in pain, he's sick. How do I encourage him to get help?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Ceres and welcome to the family!

I'm glad you've found us here. We're a supportive group with a lot of experience and tools we can share. Relationships with pwBPD (people with Borderline Personality Disorder) can be difficult in so many ways. But so many here (including me) have found ways to make things easier.

Encouraging a pwBPD -- or any disorder or problem, really -- is a tricky proposition. So many members here report family members refusing treatment so it's a common problem. We have an article about it you might want to check out:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

Fear of abandonment is also a BIG thing with pwBPD. It may seem counter-intuitive, but that frequently leads to a push-pull dynamic, or to the pwBPD pushing their loved ones away in a sort of "I'm going to leave you first so you don't leave me." It can also lead to extreme clinginess.

What's the state of your relationship right now? What are the "antics" you've been ignoring?