Why I have stayed

[Trobert]

I am new to this part of this website. I fit in, because I am in limbo in terms of how I feel about my wife. She has been emotionally abusive. She has said a lot of horrible things to me. She even has decided independently that the money I have been depositing for the last 17 years at $100, that it won’t go for things we both want, but for her mother’s funeral expenses and mine eventually. When I have said that she decided on her own about this money, she won’t listen at all. I have tried to locate the money, but I can’t find it.

My friends and family don’t understand why I am here, but there are times she is nice, but life has to be about her. One specific reason why I have stayed is because I think she would commit suicide. She is depressed about the death of her oldest daughter 20 years ago. She is getting some sort of counseling from a “medium”, and I see a separate, licensed counselor regularly.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Over $20k, that is a lot of money.  You've stopped that contribution?

She is getting some sort of counseling from a “medium”, and I see a separate, licensed counselor regularly

So you're getting professional help and she's getting validated for whatever feelings and "facts" she expresses. 

[Trobert]

My wife can be very vindictive, manipulating, and abusive. If I were to independently stop funding this account, she would be extremely mad at me. She would do everything in her power to reinstate this monthly amount. Otherwise, she would talk AT me endlessly to get her way.

Just last night, to give you an example, I told her that while she is away this weekend for her classes, I have plans to see some friends both this weekend just for dinner and the next weekend some other friends just for lunch. She immediately started putting them down, some of which is true; yet, they are older, and I have known them for a long time. As for my other friends, she inquired about one of them not being married and having a teenage daughter. As for all of these friends, they are friends, and that’s it. Then, she started talking about how this might be too much for my health, etc. The driving takes less than 2 hours, and for the other friends who live 3 hours away, I agreed with her, that I ask them to meet me halfway.

Bottom line, my wife is a jealous person. She can have her own life, but she doesn’t like I care for friends whom I haven’t seen for a long time. BTW, several years ago, she told me that she told a fellow employee that I should be with another woman, because she is so busy. While she was joking, this is absolutely cruel to say to anyone. I eventually told her that comment hurt me a lot! She says hurtful things like this and then expects me to bend to her jealousy.

[COLB]

Trobert,
It sounds like your SO has the control issues many of us have seen.  My BPDw decided that the tens of thousands of dollars I have put toward our retirement over the years was not enough because she would only get 1/2 if I left.  She set up a secret account and has removed over $30K over the last 2 years. She removes in $2K blocks every time she feels threatened. It makes meeting bills interesting to say the least. 

I believe it goes back to control over us since they feel like they are losing it in some way.

I have since set up notifications to me on when and where any large movement from our accounts goes.  At least I have some idea now what is going on and can keep the bills paid. No more surprises that checks bounce because my BPDw moves large sums without telling me.


Try to think of a useful boundary that will protect you while making sure that your SO has a structure she can live with. 


B