My messed up relationship

[GranaryMan]

 

I’ve been with my wife for 10 years, 5 of those being actually married. We have a son who is 3 1/2 years old, and didn’t know she had BPD until after he was born and what we thought was her post-partum depression wasn’t getting better, and we could no longer be in the same room. Everything was a no win scenario for me, I couldn’t do anything right and was constantly being put down to where I started to focus 100% of my attention on my son.

That was when she broke the news to me that she had had an affair. That same day she attempted to commit suicide and was taken to the hospital where they diagnosed her with BPD, and a couple other underlying issues like extreme depression.

We tried to make it work, went to counselling, I begged her to let me sell our house (affair was with the neighbor) but she didn’t want to, again putting me in a position where if I sold it, it was over. But the daily reminder of what had happened just by looking out the window took a toll on me, and us.

About a year and a half after, as we struggled with financial difficulties due to a downturn in my industry, I stumbled upon multiple empty bags of cocaine in our house and vehicles. Which to my dismay and shock a few of them right next to my sons soother (yes, i know at almost 3 he should’ve given it up).

During this time she had left her office job under stress leave and convinced me to put her through schooling to run heavy equipment, so I did, but the finances didn’t add up until that day. After about a week of fighting about the drugs, I threatened a divorce and to take our son under the child protection act.

Then, after a couple months of the two of us continually fighting and me leaving for work, she made up her mind that she wanted it to work with me and would make an honest attempt at it (i must note the only reason i felt safe leaving for work was her mother was living with us at the time).

After she made a commitment to making it work, everything was better, however I could tell something was bugging her. I caught her one day writing out suicide notes for me and her mother, and contacted her to let her know. A couple days later, she told me that she had again slept with someone else after I had threatened to leave over the drug use. That same night I stopped her twice from trying to hang herself.

We agreed that I would get a free pass (two wrongs dont make a right) and that we would try after. Everything was great for the next couple months. The only thing we really fought about was money (or lack there of), and her determination to go out with her friends and not come home until 3-5am.

After one particularly bad fight when she came home, she threw her phone at me and broke it. A week later, I went to the apple store to have it repaired. While waiting, I saw no harm in looking through her photos to see pictures of my boy, what I found shocked me. Nude images and videos of her, screen shots of texts between her and the neighbor as recently as 3 days before, and pictures of himself he sent her.

She denied everything. Then I found a straw with white powered in it in our house, so I started searching...through the two bathrooms and our car, I found many empty bags of cocaine and straws with cocaine in them. I then knowing the passcode to her phone decided to investigate further, I wish I hadn’t finding texts from a guy saying they had had sex, and seeing she was still talking to the neighbor on snapchat and a previous ex.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I care about my sons safety above all else, I don’t want him around cocaine, I don’t want him to see it and think it’s ok. She denies she has a problem and says she can stop whenever she wants, but blames me for using.

Further to that, the infidelity on her part is something I never thought I would stand for or tolerate in a marriage, but after being risked exposure to clamytia twice now, and a possible third time, I’m asking myself what is wrong with me, why am I still here?

I’ve recently started seeing a psychologist and even she is shocked at the abuse I have dealt with, and informed me that she is obligated to report the drug use due to child endangerment. I’ve been now put on antidepressants and get panic attacks when my wife sends me a million text messages asking me whats wrong and why I’m not replying to her.

Help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

Thank you for going on this site and reaching out. We are an entire group who have dealt with BPD ( diagnosed or un-diagnosed) -- in various kinds of relationships.

I welcome you to our group, although I am sorry for the circumstances in which you find yourself.

You have a therapist who is legally required to report your wife's drug use. What do you anticipate will happen from this point? What do you think is the best situation for your children and you, going forward.

We can support and help you.

[GranaryMan]

I know I should leave, it’s just so hard. The guilt trips and her family telling me she will only get worse if i do leave and try to take my son for his protection until she gets help.

I just feel so trapped. My family only knows of the drug use, and they’re telling me to leave even though their religion puts them against divorce. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell them of all the infidelity because of the amount of shame I feel about it, every time it’s happened I’ve been told it’s my fault, that I pushed her away or didn’t try hard enough and that’s why she’s talking to and seeing these guys.

Even the drug use is my fault, she tells me that I make her feel like a burden, and she needs the cocaine to feel better and happy. I just want her to get help for our sons sake. But I’m at my wits end.

I drew a line in the sand, told her the boundary the first time i found the drugs and the second time she cheated (at least the second time that i know of). Now, i feel as though if i dont stick to what i said i would do it will only show her that she can get away with whatever she wants and I will do nothing.

Even this evening, we started to talk about it. She told me i dont love her, and when i tried to explain the boundary i had given her and how she crossed it and so there has to be a consequence this time, she tells me that I’m not God, and only he can judge and punish her.

I feel so defeated. So worthless to her besides being a piggy bank. But even that she doesn’t seem to appreciate.

[Overseas1899]

GranaryMan, I think the psychologist is going to help you sort this out.  You did not cause this and you cannot cure it.  You currently feel stuck and I used to feel that way too.   However, with help from my therapist, I now view this as I currently choose to stay.  You may change your mind at any time but this is your choice.  You are also grieving the life and relationship you thought you had.  It takes time to work through these stages.   But you are right, your focus needs to continue to be on your son’s wellbeing and if you keep his needs first in your mind, you will make the right decisions.  I had a small suitcase packed and hidden for years for me and my kids - pj’s, toothbrush, a change of clothes so we would have something in case I needed to leave if the situation suddenly worsened.   I suspect the cocaine use will have its own repercussions and the police will take her?   Don’t try to save her from her poor choices.  It could be the best thing to happen.   Use this to keep your son safe.

[formflier]

   

I'm so sorry you are having to work through these relationship issues.  I'm also heartened to know you intend to protect your son from the drug use.

Given all you have found out, I'm wondering if you have gotten legal advice about how to best go about protecting him.

Many of us "nons" believe that we can rationalize and talk to our pwBPD and convince them to see the world as we do.  (In  your case that drugs and a child don't match up)

Honestly, that rarely works.  Usually taking some action will result in changes.  Talking rarely results in changes.

Does that ring true in your relationship?
What do you believe is your next step?

Best,

FF

[GranaryMan]

   

I'm so sorry you are having to work through these relationship issues.  I'm also heartened to know you intend to protect your son from the drug use.

Given all you have found out, I'm wondering if you have gotten legal advice about how to best go about protecting him.

Many of us "nons" believe that we can rationalize and talk to our pwBPD and convince them to see the world as we do.  (In  your case that drugs and a child don't match up)

Honestly, that rarely works.  Usually taking some action will result in changes.  Talking rarely results in changes.

Does that ring true in your relationship?
What do you believe is your next step?

Best,

FF

This rings true to me. There never is any change on her part when I try to talk and use logic. But in the day of cellphones, even me leaving the house and then ignoring her phone calls or texts become hostile. I’ve had to place my phone on “do not disturb”.

I honestly don’t know, I feel i want to leave, but another part of me wants to stay and fix things, and keeps telling me things will get better. Family and even my psychologist have told me I need to leave, if not for myself then for my son.

[GranaryMan]

GranaryMan, I think the psychologist is going to help you sort this out.  You did not cause this and you cannot cure it.  You currently feel stuck and I used to feel that way too.   However, with help from my therapist, I now view this as I currently choose to stay.  You may change your mind at any time but this is your choice.  You are also grieving the life and relationship you thought you had.  It takes time to work through these stages.   But you are right, your focus needs to continue to be on your son’s wellbeing and if you keep his needs first in your mind, you will make the right decisions.  I had a small suitcase packed and hidden for years for me and my kids - pj’s, toothbrush, a change of clothes so we would have something in case I needed to leave if the situation suddenly worsened.   I suspect the cocaine use will have its own repercussions and the police will take her?   Don’t try to save her from her poor choices.  It could be the best thing to happen.   Use this to keep your son safe.

Thank you for sharing. I feel as though you might be a stronger person than me for staying. This last week I had what turned out to be a panic attack, but ended up getting it checked out at the hospital, and am now getting them almost daily the closer to the time she comes home.

When she needs money and i dont give her it, im controlling and ruining her life. She backed a piece of heavy equipment into another one yesterday and asking if she was okay wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth so that turned into me not loving her.

I think the biggest problem i have is she continually tells me to get over what happened, if we “talk” (fight) about her going to visit single guy friends, or texting these people, I just get told to get over it. That she would pick these people over a “controlling husband”. How do you just get over having your health risked due to her poor decisions to sleep outside of the marriage, and further to that, how do you just forgive the feeling of betrayal for her having Unfaithful?

Even the drug use, the sheer irresponsibility of it, it makes me flash back to when our son was born and she would tell me she didn’t want him and that I was going to have to “take him anyway” and then she would leave the house.

[formflier]

Granary Man

I'm glad you are engaged and answering back quickly.

I'd have to imagine you are feeling overwhelmed considering all the advice and suggestions you are getting to leave.  Do you have anyone in your life advising you to stay?

Part of the mission of the conflicted board is to help you pick a path, vice pick a path for you. 

I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you "feel" one way and you "think" you should do another thing.  Am I close?

  There never is any change on her part when I try to talk and use logic.

Observation is critical in these relationship.  Pragmatism is also a valuable thing.  Simply put...if something is "working" ...leave it alone and enjoy the benefits.  The flip side if something isn't working I would advise you to first understand why it isn't working and STOP trying to use the same "tactics" to get a different result.

(we can work on better tactics later..let's stick with big picture)

What is your current understanding of why talking/logic doesn't result in change?   

  I’ve had to place my phone on “do not disturb”.

I'm proud of you for doing this.  Perhaps you don't know it yet..but you are using "boundaries" when you do this.

Is "boundaries" something you think of often in your relationship?

  part of me wants to stay and fix things, and keeps telling me things will get better.

Try to be objective for a bit.  Over the past 1 year are things better or worse?  6 months? 1 month?

Trying to get an understanding of over the past year we had (for example) 3 wonderful months and 4 bad months, following by 5 months of us basically ignoring each other.

Can you describe things kinda like that?


Best,

FF

[GranaryMan]

Granary Man

I'm glad you are engaged and answering back quickly.

I'd have to imagine you are feeling overwhelmed considering all the advice and suggestions you are getting to leave.  Do you have anyone in your life advising you to stay?

The only person that seems to be advising me to stay is her mom. But even she has said that the things I’ve tolerated she never would have and didn’t which is why she ended her first marriage.

She tells me if I leave my wife could take a turn for the worse, and even though she’s risked my son to cocaine exposure, she says it would be wrong for me to take my son through legal means as it would leave my wife feeling she has nothing left to lose and will spiral down the same path.

[/quote]
I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you "feel" one way and you "think" you should do another thing.  Am I close?

Observation is critical in these relationship.  Pragmatism is also a valuable thing.  Simply put...if something is "working" ...leave it alone and enjoy the benefits.  The flip side if something isn't working I would advise you to first understand why it isn't working and STOP trying to use the same "tactics" to get a different result. [/quote]

I can definitely say you are close. I feel I have to leave, but think I should stay. I honestly believe now that she does the things she does because of me.

[/quote]
What is your current understanding of why talking/logic doesn't result in change?   
[/quote]

I have no answer for this, explaining she has a drug addiction and needs help for it I get told she can quit whenever she wants and doesn’t have a problem even though I’m estimating that there was over $2000 worth of empty cocaine bags i found this time. And those are the ones that I know of.

As for her infidelity, she doesn’t understand that I don’t trust her anymore, or is even able to acknowledge the hurt and feelings of betrayal I have. She keeps telling me that she was leaving anyway, even though she acted differently when it was happening, or the second time she says I threatened a divorce and so it’s my fault but not accepting I threatened the divorce because of the drugs. The third time she has only to say that the other guys make her feel good about herself, and so it’s my fault again because no matter what I do, she says I dont make her feel good.

[/quote]

I'm proud of you for doing this.  Perhaps you don't know it yet..but you are using "boundaries" when you do this.

Is "boundaries" something you think of often in your relationship?
[/quote]

Boundaries are something I think of lots, but have allowed them to be eroded over the years. I used to have female friends but have disconnected with them as she didn’t like it, although it’s perfectly fine for her to have male friends.

The drug use and infidelity are things I was born and raised to believe were hard deal breakers, and i struggle now daily with why I’m still here, and just waiting for her to tell me it’s happened again, except this time she’s caught and given me something that can’t be fixed with antibiotics.


[/quote]
Try to be objective for a bit.  Over the past 1 year are things better or worse?  6 months? 1 month?

Trying to get an understanding of over the past year we had (for example) 3 wonderful months and 4 bad months, following by 5 months of us basically ignoring each other.

Can you describe things kinda like that?
[/quote]

This is my life. Things will be amazing for 2-3 months, followed by absolute hell for 3-4 months, followed by 4-5 months of just going through the motions like we’re roommates and coparenting.

[GranaryMan]

I apologize, I’m still trying to figure out the “coding” on this site to properly make quotes to reduce the length of replies.

[Enabler]

Granaryman,

There are a few foundational things I would like to put on the table. You’re sense of truth is being eroded by a constant stream of lies, half truths or deliberate omissions of information. Although maybe arguable not intended to be malicious, either way it’s seriously screwing up your perception of facts and reality. It’s positive to hear that you have moved away from trying to believe the things your wife says, it’s probably better that way. Moving to a state (at the moment) where the things she says and things she has said in the past ‘might’ be true will help you build your own truth, independently from her version.

Document your truth. Spreadsheet, notes on an iPhone, somewhere locked, accessible and secret from your wife. I strongly advise photographing and documenting evidence placing everything back in exactly the same place, unless it’s unlikely to be missed eg coke bags . Do not confront your wife with the evidence until you are absolutely certain of the direction you want to go. This evidence may be useful if you pursuit a child custody case. I cannot stress enough how important it is to avoid revealing evidence since it just encourages change in behaviour (more secret) rather than change in the behaviour (quilting coke).

Preserve your reality, build on it and construct it with probable evidence. It will be one of the cornerstones of your ability to make good choices.

Enabler 

[Red5]

Hello GranaryMan and welcome!

Wow Man, you've got a lot on your plate, and I am very sorry that you are having to endure this.

I have to tell you, your story reminds me of my first marriage… ALL OF IT!

I want you to know that, you are NOT alone… I survived all of that, a dysfunctional marriage lasting 21 years… and I stayed because of the kids… for years, the same things as you are describing to us, I also experienced.

We divorced, after she abandoned us for the second time, over an eleven year period of time.

Same things, she would step out, I would lay down a boundary, she would flip me off, and declare she did not care, I filed for divorce, she made a suicide attempt (several) .. I took her back, things good for a while, and then it would happened all over again… it almost killed me… drugs, adultery, cutting, suicidal attempts, two almost fatal… yeah ; (

I see that you are already getting very good direction from the other posters… but I'll depart this with you,

*you cannot change another person.
*she has to seek her own change, help, you cannot do that for her.
*you cannot save her.
*do not enable her.
*do not let her abuse you, or your son (drugs/adultery/neglect).
*you did not do this to her, you DO NOT make her do cocaine, this is projection, nothing more.
*she may very well self destruct, and when and if she does, DON'T let her take you and your Son with her.
*protect that boy!
*you need to be firm with her, tough love, she has to straighten up, or you will have to act accordingly, ie' save yourself, and your Son, this "program" she is on, is not sustainable.

Have you ever considered that you may be codependent, you need to sort this out, and your therapist ("T") can help you do that.

You see GranaryMan, we let others abuse us, as grown men, as adults… why do we do this, why do we hang on so tight, when we know good and damn well that they aren't going to change, without hitting rock bottom first… and after destroying the relationship, and us as well…

I am not allowed to send you a run message… but wake up, and smell the coffee here… chlamydia… really, come on Man… pics on the phone, multiple adulteries… drugs… in ten years.

I can tell you for a fact… and this is going to sound really tough… when your wife cheats on you, over and over… and walks all over you… and blames you for what she is doing to you… you never get over it... that's the height of dysfunction… and its NOT sustainable… you will lose you own mind after a while, you will be a shell, and then what's that Son of yours going to do… after you implode from all of this?

I never got over the fact that my wife cheated on me, multiple times… and that's a fact, once there is abuse and disrespect like that in a relationship, I'm sad to say that - that relationship is over Brother.

Sometimes, they go so far, that they can never come back…

I'll leave you with that, and I want you to know GranaryMan that I survived it, but it was very costly to me… very costly.

You take care of yourself GranaryMan, don't you get lost in this now… keep posting!

Prayers for you Brother, and that Boy too !

Red5

[formflier]

What is your current understanding of why talking/logic doesn't result in change?   


I have no answer for this, explaining she has a drug addiction and needs help for it I get told she can quit whenever she wants and doesn’t have a problem even though I’m estimating that there was over $2000 worth of empty cocaine bags i found this time. And those are the ones that I know of.

So..I've got an answer for you to consider for a while.  It's very likely that her "primary language" is emotional and your primary language is logic/rational.  (please don't read judgment into which is better)

Perhaps look at it this way.  It's like going to a foreign country where they "appear" to speak the same language, but really don't.  You can imagine the confusion and hurt feelings.

Can you "learn" how to speak her language?  Sure...but it likely won't be easy.  There will probably be a bunch of "do what?" moments for you.  I will say that learning these skills will help you with almost all your relationships, not just your difficult relationship with your pwBPD.

Note:  This won't "fix" her, but will likely result in you being able to communicate better with her.  Who knows where that will lead.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

There are many lessons you can read and many on these boards can provide coaching.

Does this sound like a path you want to try out for a few weeks?

Best,

FF

[GranaryMan]

Hello GranaryMan and welcome!

Wow Man, you've got a lot on your plate, … and I am very sorry that you are having to endure this.

I have to tell you, your story reminds me of my first marriage … ALL OF IT!

I want you to know that, … you are NOT alone … I survived all of that, a dysfunctional marriage lasting 21 years … and I stayed because of the kids … for years, the same things as you are describing to us, I also experienced.

We divorced, after she abandoned us for the second time, over an eleven year period of time.

Same things, she would step out, I would lay down a boundary, she would flip me off, and declare she did not care, I filed for divorce, she made a suicide attempt (several) .. I took her back, things good for a while, and then it would happened all over again … it almost killed me … drugs, adultery, cutting, suicidal attempts, two almost fatal … yeah ; (

I see that you are already getting very good direction from the other posters … but I'll depart this with you,

*you cannot change another person.
*she has to seek her own change, help, you cannot do that for her.
*you cannot save her.
*do not enable her.
*do not let her abuse you, or your son (drugs/adultery/neglect).
*you did not do this to her, you DO NOT make her do cocaine, this is projection, nothing more.
*she may very well self destruct, and when and if she does, DON'T let her take you and your Son with her.
*protect that boy!
*you need to be firm with her, tough love, … she has to straighten up, or you will have to act accordingly, ie' save yourself, and your Son, this "program" she is on, is not sustainable.

Have you ever considered that you may be codependent, … you need to sort this out, and your therapist ("T") can help you do that.

You see GranaryMan, we let others abuse us, as grown men, as adults … why do we do this, why do we hang on so tight, when we know good and damn well that they aren't going to change, without hitting rock bottom first … and after destroying the relationship, and us as well …

I am not allowed to send you a run message … but wake up, and smell the coffee here … chlamydia … really, come on Man … pics on the phone, multiple adulteries … drugs … in ten years.

I can tell you for a fact … and this is going to sound really tough … when your wife cheats on you, over and over … and walks all over you … and blames you for what she is doing to you … you never get over it ... that's the height of dysfunction … and its NOT sustainable … you will lose you own mind after a while, you will be a shell, and then what's that Son of yours going to do … after you implode from all of this?

I never got over the fact that my wife cheated on me, multiple times … and that's a fact, once there is abuse and disrespect like that in a relationship, I'm sad to say that - that relationship is over Brother.

Sometimes, they go so far, that they can never come back …

I'll leave you with that, and I want you to know GranaryMan that I survived it, … but it was very costly to me … very costly.

You take care of yourself GranaryMan, don't you get lost in this now … keep posting!

Prayers for you Brother, and that Boy too !

Red5

Red5, thank you for sharing, and honestly, I think I needed to read that.