Here we go again... Twin Sister with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It is truly a never ending spiral.

So over the years, I have gained a what I thought was a mutually respectful, happy and positive relationship with my uBPD twin sister.  I would not even know where to begin to talk about the ups and downs. It's more like episodes.

Recently, I was having some difficulties with my husband.  He had begun drinking a lot, and I am a recovering alcoholic with 13 years of sobriety.  We have been together for 11 years.  My father owns some rental homes, and so during some discussions, I was going to temporarily reside in one of his homes that was coming up vacant until my husband and I decided if we were going to work on things or divorce.  I just needed some space. My father had plans for my sister to buy this same home from him, which I had pushed for on her behalf over the last couple of years, I just thought it would be nice for her.  I was set to take a blow up mattress, some clothes and so forth over to this house for the next weekend.  My sister was moving in about a month or two later.  So I felt like everything was moving along pretty well.  I would have the space and time, and foolishly, having had the unusual pleasure of an almost normal relationship with her for quite some time, I thought if my husband and I did divorce, maybe she and I could live in the house together.  (Funny, right?) Ultimately, I was rooting for my marriage.  

During my drive to work one morning, I was talking my with dad, and he began to discuss what a nice legacy to leave the home to both of us.  Maybe we could both live there, it would sure make him feel good that we had each other, and so on.  I thought it was very sweet, and shifted the talk to the new flooring my company could provide in the house.  (My sister wanted this, so I was facilitating that as well.)  

So, she came by my work on a Friday.  In my office (yes, my place of work!) she says' Hey! I just want to be clear that you know that house is mine! I cannot live with all those PLEASE READing cats!  Things will be as I want them, and I want to be clear about you cannot stay there forever! I am the one doing you a favor, MY NAME WILL BE ON THAT HOUSE, NOT YOURS"

Well, rather than cower, as I have done in years past, I stood up to her.  I said, well you need to calm down.  You're causing me to feel anxiety coming at me like this, and this was not what dad just told me on the phone, so I recommend you call him and clarify what he said.  I don't remember what all else she said, that I am manipulating him to get my way, that house is hers, I can;'t care for myself, blah blah blah.  Followed by a very loud PLEASE READ you, flipped me off and left.  I called my dad, told him what happened, and we decided that I would just stay with him in the meantime.  So fine.  I text my sister this information and she continues calling me manipultive, saying I have been playing my dad and her, etc.  I said, you got it all wrong. I did not do that, I did not ask for anything more than a temporary place and she says I want everyone to feel sorry for me, etc.      

My husband and I went away together for that next weekend instead.  The way it ended up working out was that he elected he did not want to divorce, we needed to try to find solutions.  (This was a lot in a short time, I know.)  When we arrived home from the long weekend, my sister started calling, but I ignored the calls.  I went back to work, and her calls continued.  I finally answered, she asked how our trip was. I said it was good, but I am not going to pretend like nothing happened or is wrong with she and I.  She was very rude and angry and I am not over it.  She screamed at me that shes still pissed too, as she was screaming I hung up.  Then the texts started, and I'm sure you all know how that goes. In one text she mentioned that our mother would not want us to be like this.  Our mother died four years ago, and my mother would always guilt me into trying to have a relationship with my sister.  She sends text after text, just goes on and on.  Then says she's blocking me.  (While I am not texting mind you.)  The next day, more texts, she wants my "side" of the story.  I said she accused me of trying to manipulate and take something from her, and she was incorrect. That is not something I would ever do to her.  She came up with a story line in her own head, to clear it up with our Dad.  I will not defend myself over something I did not do.  She is now texting and calling me an alcoholic, telling me to go to a meeting, talk to a sponsor, I am sick in my head and once an addict, always an addict, etc etc.  (Nothing I haven;t heard before) So I told her I guess she hasn't been paying attention, but I have 13 years of sobriety, I do go to meetings, and she can't hurt me with that any longer.  I appreciate that is her usual "go to" but I suggest looking for something else if she intends to hurt me.  It does actually really hurt my feelings, but I can't let her know that. But it also doesn't have the same power it used to,  10 years ago it would cut me  very deeply, today it's just a mere twinge. After that, she called me three times, left a voice mail, sent a text and an email to tell me I am toxic and go away and do not contact her again.  That was three weeks ago.
 
Now mostly I am just dealing with family members that guilt me about her. In discussing things with my husband, I was surprised to realize how much my sister actually manipulated me and caused damage with my husband.  My sister would guilt me a lot to spend time with her away from my husband, and my husband would have planed something.  Or, on a trip together she would be that bird in my ear complaining about him and how he doesn't do certain things right for me, etc.  So, I am glad it is all out in the open now.  I hate that my mother is not here, but I am also thankful my mother can't guilt me into the relationship any longer.  

Thanks for reading my vent.  I know this is a safe place and I appreciate to have that.  The only thing I still wonder about is how much she will put on me.  She literally accuses me of everything that she does, and tells others that I have done it, and then people say they don't know who to believe, that we both say the same thing about the other.  But, honestly, I am the age where I really don't give a PLEASE READ what anyone else thinks.  I know the truth and I know who I am.  BPD's will always try to make it seem like it's us, to doubt ourselves, to make our lives scary and insecure.  I feel sad for my sister.  I feel sad that she will have the love of a long relationship, the men come and go so quickly.  The only ones that stay around for any length are the ones that can handle her abuse.  I feel sad that she doesn't feel joy.  She doesn't experience the peaceful feelings of contentment, even alone.  She has a hole in her that can never be filled, and an anger and rage that I really have come to understand most people never see in others.  At the same time I feel these feelings of sadness for her, I feel them for myself too.  I don;t understand why I had to always be asked to sacrifice myself so she would have a victim.  Why my family will never understand what they are really asking me to do is go ahead and be abused.  She abuses me.  However, I feel joy everyday of my life.  I am a peaceful, happy, loving person with many friends and a great sense of humor.  I do miss so many things about the good times my sister and I shared in these last few years. I think it's just time I realize that it comes at a cost that is too high.  While I am sure as per usual she thinks I have abandoned her and she hates me, the truth is I am experiencing grief and sadness and it is too many times to count now.  

Thanks for listening.    

 

[Marsha9000]

It is truly a never ending spiral.

So over the years, I have gained a what I thought was a mutually respectful, happy and positive relationship with my uBPD twin sister.  I would not even know where to begin to talk about the ups and downs. It's more like episodes.

Recently, I was having some difficulties with my husband.  He had begun drinking a lot, and I am a recovering alcoholic with 13 years of sobriety.  We have been together for 11 years.  My father owns some rental homes, and so during some discussions, I was going to temporarily reside in one of his homes that was coming up vacant until my husband and I decided if we were going to work on things or divorce.  I just needed some space. My father had plans for my sister to buy this same home from him, which I had pushed for on her behalf over the last couple of years, I just thought it would be nice for her.  I was set to take a blow up mattress, some clothes and so forth over to this house for the next weekend.  My sister was moving in about a month or two later.  So I felt like everything was moving along pretty well.  I would have the space and time, and foolishly, having had the unusual pleasure of an almost normal relationship with her for quite some time, I thought if my husband and I did divorce, maybe she and I could live in the house together.  (Funny, right?) Ultimately, I was rooting for my marriage.  

During my drive to work one morning, I was talking my with dad, and he began to discuss what a nice legacy to leave the home to both of us.  Maybe we could both live there, it would sure make him feel good that we had each other, and so on.  I thought it was very sweet, and shifted the talk to the new flooring my company could provide in the house.  (My sister wanted this, so I was facilitating that as well.)  

So, she came by my work on a Friday.  In my office (yes, my place of work!) she says' Hey! I just want to be clear that you know that house is mine! I cannot live with all those PLEASE READing cats!  Things will be as I want them, and I want to be clear about you cannot stay there forever! I am the one doing you a favor, MY NAME WILL BE ON THAT HOUSE, NOT YOURS"

Well, rather than cower, as I have done in years past, I stood up to her.  I said, well you need to calm down.  You're causing me to feel anxiety coming at me like this, and this was not what dad just told me on the phone, so I recommend you call him and clarify what he said.  I don't remember what all else she said, that I am manipulating him to get my way, that house is hers, I can;'t care for myself, blah blah blah.  Followed by a very loud PLEASE READ you, flipped me off and left.  I called my dad, told him what happened, and we decided that I would just stay with him in the meantime.  So fine.  I text my sister this information and she continues calling me manipultive, saying I have been playing my dad and her, etc.  I said, you got it all wrong. I did not do that, I did not ask for anything more than a temporary place and she says I want everyone to feel sorry for me, etc.      

My husband and I went away together for that next weekend instead.  The way it ended up working out was that he elected he did not want to divorce, we needed to try to find solutions.  (This was a lot in a short time, I know.)  When we arrived home from the long weekend, my sister started calling, but I ignored the calls.  I went back to work, and her calls continued.  I finally answered, she asked how our trip was. I said it was good, but I am not going to pretend like nothing happened or is wrong with she and I.  She was very rude and angry and I am not over it.  She screamed at me that shes still pissed too, as she was screaming I hung up.  Then the texts started, and I'm sure you all know how that goes. In one text she mentioned that our mother would not want us to be like this.  Our mother died four years ago, and my mother would always guilt me into trying to have a relationship with my sister.  She sends text after text, just goes on and on.  Then says she's blocking me.  (While I am not texting mind you.)  The next day, more texts, she wants my "side" of the story.  I said she accused me of trying to manipulate and take something from her, and she was incorrect. That is not something I would ever do to her.  She came up with a story line in her own head, to clear it up with our Dad.  I will not defend myself over something I did not do.  She is now texting and calling me an alcoholic, telling me to go to a meeting, talk to a sponsor, I am sick in my head and once an addict, always an addict, etc etc.  (Nothing I haven;t heard before) So I told her I guess she hasn't been paying attention, but I have 13 years of sobriety, I do go to meetings, and she can't hurt me with that any longer.  I appreciate that is her usual "go to" but I suggest looking for something else if she intends to hurt me.  It does actually really hurt my feelings, but I can't let her know that. But it also doesn't have the same power it used to,  10 years ago it would cut me  very deeply, today it's just a mere twinge. After that, she called me three times, left a voice mail, sent a text and an email to tell me I am toxic and go away and do not contact her again.  That was three weeks ago.
 
Now mostly I am just dealing with family members that guilt me about her. In discussing things with my husband, I was surprised to realize how much my sister actually manipulated me and caused damage with my husband.  My sister would guilt me a lot to spend time with her away from my husband, and my husband would have planed something.  Or, on a trip together she would be that bird in my ear complaining about him and how he doesn't do certain things right for me, etc.  So, I am glad it is all out in the open now.  I hate that my mother is not here, but I am also thankful my mother can't guilt me into the relationship any longer.  

Thanks for reading my vent.  I know this is a safe place and I appreciate to have that.  The only thing I still wonder about is how much she will put on me.  She literally accuses me of everything that she does, and tells others that I have done it, and then people say they don't know who to believe, that we both say the same thing about the other.  But, honestly, I am the age where I really don't give a PLEASE READ what anyone else thinks.  I know the truth and I know who I am.  BPD's will always try to make it seem like it's us, to doubt ourselves, to make our lives scary and insecure.  I feel sad for my sister.  I feel sad that she will have the love of a long relationship, the men come and go so quickly.  The only ones that stay around for any length are the ones that can handle her abuse.  I feel sad that she doesn't feel joy.  She doesn't experience the peaceful feelings of contentment, even alone.  She has a hole in her that can never be filled, and an anger and rage that I really have come to understand most people never see in others.  At the same time I feel these feelings of sadness for her, I feel them for myself too.  I don;t understand why I had to always be asked to sacrifice myself so she would have a victim.  Why my family will never understand what they are really asking me to do is go ahead and be abused.  She abuses me.  However, I feel joy everyday of my life.  I am a peaceful, happy, loving person with many friends and a great sense of humor.  I do miss so many things about the good times my sister and I shared in these last few years. I think it's just time I realize that it comes at a cost that is too high.  While I am sure as per usual she thinks I have abandoned her and she hates me, the truth is I am experiencing grief and sadness and it is too many times to count now.  

Thanks for listening.    

 

[No-One]

Hi Marsha9000:
Welcome!  I'm so sorry about your situation with your sister.  Are you identical twins?  I'm always curious about BPD/BPD traits and genetics.  I'm currently in a "No Contact" situation with my sibling, who has strong BPD traits.

Strong BPD traits tend to rear up with issues centered around parents:  illness, death and estate issues.  Sounds like a good idea to let her have the one property.  Perhaps your dad could offset the situation by stipulating in his trust or will that you get a different rental  property?  And then the rest could be 50/50, after any other possible heirs are considered.
 

I hate that my mother is not here, but I am also thankful my mother can't guilt me into the relationship any longer.        

 I'm sorry about the loss of your mother.  Did she have any mental health issues?   Sounds like your relationship with your dad might be good.  Is that the case?  Does your dad recognize that your sister has mental health issues, or is he not a target?

My husband and I went away together for that next weekend instead.  The way it ended up working out was that he elected he did not want to divorce, we needed to try to find solutions.  . . .In discussing things with my husband, I was surprised to realize how much my sister actually manipulated me and caused damage with my husband.        

Good to hear that things are going better with your husband and that you figured out that you sister likely had a negative influence with your relationship with your husband.  Knowledge is power.

I have 13 years of sobriety        

Congrats! Good job!

It can feel good to vent.  Best to NOT get hung up in drama triangles with family/friends. It can be hard to resist, but it never results in anything good. It sounds like you quit caring what others think, and that can be very liberating. Let people judge you by what they see and not what they hear from your sister.  Best to seek a therapist to talk things through with.

You can't control your sister, but you can make things better for yourself by setting boundaries and managing how you interact and react to your sister. Check out the large green band at the top of the page and find the "Tools" menu.  "Boundaries" is a good place to start.  Also, there was a recent thread in this section about boundaries.  Check out the first 2 pages of posts.

[Marsha9000]

Thank you for all of that great feedback. It really helps to vent and hear what others have to say regarding their experience with their BPD sibling.

To answer your questions, my mother didn’t have any mental health issues, however, my maternal grandmother did. My dad is aware of her mental health issues, but is never her target. Her target is typically me or one of her many past boyfriends. It is usually okay for me when she has a boyfriend, because I know I’m second in line. Lol, sad, right?
She did start texting me yesterday again. As if nothing is wrong. I pointed out that is not going to work any longer, there are real issues that need resolved here in order to move forward. So, much to the norm, she started antogonizing me again and started calling. I decided it best to just block her again. It easiest to just not even see the texts or have it ring.

I am going to look at your previous posts, am curious about your own situation with your sibling and how the NC is going for you. It sounds like an idea that could provide me a lot of peace.

Oh, and I don’t care about the house. It was just a temporary spot for me.

Thanks again!