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Author Topic: Unpdh moving out and wants a divorce  (Read 1221 times)
snowglobe
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« on: June 12, 2019, 10:02:41 PM »

My saga is picking up the new pace and velocity. Upon the sale of our matrimonial home after cohering,  threatening and manipulating my ubpdh made me sign the sale of our home promising a better life. As expected, once the house was sold (ubpdh didn’t partake in cleaning, packing, doing touch ups or staging or showing the home which was exceptionally taxing on the entire family) we went on mini vacation and upon our return continued looking at the properties. Upon finding a few that we agreed on (another story, he tell agents that “whatever she wants I’m ok with” in reality once it’s just us he starts saying that either he doesn’t like it or that the price is too high). After a huge fight he finally agreed to bid on one of the homes, intentionally low balling so much so that this offer would have never been taken). Today we viewers more properties, he only wants to give offers to castles, and only for fraction of the cost. He wants to buy Lamborghini for the price of Honda Civic. After another discussion, I’m already concerned as we close in the begging of school year and I need to enrol the kids to schools he started pushing another property on to me. Which I hated for it’s too big (I don’t want his foo to come and stay with us) it’s also way more expensive for what he was willing to pay. When I was selling the house he promised to sell his assets in crypto currency. Now, he is absolutely adamant about not selling. When I tried to call him on the things he assured and promised me, he started freaking out and walking away. I made a mistake of following, which I almost always do. Try to reason and find a compromise or a common ground. He started saying that I am stupid, unintelligent, don’t know math, haven’t earned a dollar to call the shots. When I asked him why doesn’t he say to other people that it’s my decision, he freaked out further more saying that he doesn’t want to see my face. I walked away, but later returned saying that I don’t care who is right or wrong, is fighting doesn’t get us to the goal we have- move our family into a better position. He then looked at me saying “I don’t care about your plan, or feelings, I wAnt a divorce. I’m permanently moving out (to the first floor couch and taking my things with me). I won’t speak to you for a month. I don’t want to look at your face, it’s so ugly. You accuse me and trigger me, you provoke me. I don’t want to be around you. Don’t you dare talking to me or looking me in the face. Only speak to me via messenger. I’m done”. With that he took his bedding and went downstairs.
I stopped sleeping two months ago when I agreed to sell our home, I knew it was a bad idea but was too tired of fighting daily. I have a long night ahead of me. It’s sinking in.
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snowglobe
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« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2019, 10:26:40 PM »

When I was sitting on the couch beside him and tried to discuss our strategy he also advised me, whilst stretching out his foot, that “he would love nothing more then kick my face in, permanently damaging it. I want you to get the bleep out of my face”.
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snowglobe
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« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2019, 10:27:15 PM »

I got up and walked away, upon that he went after me, gathered his belongings and left”.
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« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2019, 10:38:22 PM »

My plan of action, please add what you think will help me in this situation:
1. Push and pull dynamics, stop pulling, and start pushing. Ignoring him altogether?
2. Fix my computer
3. Go to university, buy the textbook, get cracking
4. Go to employment center, create resume
5. Once resume is completed, start applying for jobs, I only have until the end of summer
6. Go to the family lawyer, find out what I’m entitled to
7. Spend as much time as I can with the kids
8. Attend codependent anonymous
9. Speak to friends at least on the phone
10. Take sleeping aid, so I actually sleep
12. Take care of myself
13. Start getting used to the idea that I might have to do “this” alone
14. Start looking for affordable housing (maybe once I have a job and know my geographic area)
15. Try to find a short term lease take over so I have a vehicle
16. Go see my family doctor, maybe there are free programs
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« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2019, 10:46:53 PM »

I am so sorry this is happening.

I hope this clarifies whether or not you should invest your part of the sale proceeds in a new property with him.

Please be kind to yourself...and get that book tomorrow.  Build your future.

FF
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snowglobe
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« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2019, 11:01:45 PM »

I am so sorry this is happening.

I hope this clarifies whether or not you should invest your part of the sale proceeds in a new property with him.

Please be kind to yourself...and get that book tomorrow.  Build your future.

FF
Ff,
I’ve feel like I have been slowly cutting a piece of myself through our daily interactions for I don’t even remember how long. I was rooting for him to get sober, which I managed to achieve, he has been clean since November. With that came an overwhelming reality of just how devastating the state of my mental health is due to my marriage. I don’t get a break. I can’t say what I think, feel or want. I have no value or role for him. People are either useless or useful with nothing in between. Sex with me “what haven’t I seen or tried here yet” isn’t exciting as I’m not willing to partake in the risky sexual preferences. It’s dull overwhelming sinking pain that I’m experiencing. I can’t go much longer without sleep, I have not not been able to function, study, care for the children
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« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2019, 11:02:36 PM »

Ff, can you please sty here for a moment? I’m scared and very lonely
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« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2019, 12:21:07 AM »

Snowglobe, can we talk about the push/pull?

I'm not sure you are clear on what is pushy my and what is pulling.

When you disengage from your husband's dysfunctional behaviors, when you show your strength, that results in a pull -- you are strong, and you pull him toward you.

When you become needy,when you cry and beg... Your husband perceives this as weakness, and you are pushing yourself and your needs into him -- he may then respond with behaviors that he thinks will protect him.

Does this make sensr?

Your best place to be right now is a position of strength, of confidence, of being willing and able to take the assets you have EARNED through your role in this marriage, to set up your future for better security and success.

Your husband is NOT providing security.
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« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2019, 03:28:28 AM »

snowglobe how are your children doing in all of this? what impact is this situation having on them?
I can’t remember if you have a therapist, it sounds very much like talking to one would help with the issues that your husband triggers in you.
Members here have advised you to see a lawyer since the sale of the house, what steps have you taken in this area to sort out the concerns you have?
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« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2019, 06:13:23 AM »

snowglobe how are your children doing in all of this? what impact is this situation having on them?
I can’t remember if you have a therapist, it sounds very much like talking to one would help with the issues that your husband triggers in you.
Members here have advised you to see a lawyer since the sale of the house, what steps have you taken in this area to sort out the concerns you have?
Like I said, I’ve stopped slipping, if I do, it’s not deep restful sleep, more of unconscious state. I’ve been unproductive due to the heighten emotional arousal and bpdh’s crazy gaslighting- you can choose a home, I will choose the price. He is completely disconnected from the reality. I am struggling to hold myself together. Children are being bounced around between myself and my parents. He doesn’t partake in conversing with them at all. Hi is the most one could get from him. My children, unfortunately are used to this kind of treatment. It’s not anything new for them.
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« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2019, 06:16:33 AM »

I think you have a good plan.

After going to get your book, I think it is a good idea to see a lawyer asap. Your assets are potentially being tied up in a possible bid on a home too expensive for you. I would bring the lawyer visit to the top of the list and add:

Stop seeing properties with H and stop bidding on them.

You see what is going on in front of you- I think you have to trust what you see" your H is irrational, he isn't true to his word, he will promise things to get his way and then either back out or realize he can't afford his promises. He is making unrealistic bids on homes out of his price range. When he doesn't get his way, he threatens divorce and says mean things to you.

The longer you place your well being in his hands to control, the more you will experience being at the mercy of his inconsistencies and him having only his wishes met.

It's not an easy step, but now that you don't own a home, you do have the opportunity to take steps to provide some stability for you and your children by finding your own place to live ( even if it is temporary ), finishing school and stepping out into the workplace.
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« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2019, 06:18:47 AM »

What I’m really struggling is several things- the gaslighting “I want to give you a freedom to choose our next home”, but when I tell him what I like, he tears my preferences to pieces instead forcing his own choice as a better option. He also refuses to go ahead with original plan (selling his assets, making bids). I’m also struggling with his choices - estate homes with very large sq footage and lots. I don’t understand why we need such big and grandiose places when our kids are almost grown and there are no more children in the unforeseen future. In a situation when he would downsize in the next 2-3 years he is supposedly going bigger. I’m not entirely sure if this plan was true to begin with.
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« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2019, 06:22:39 AM »

I think you have a good plan.

After going to get your book, I think it is a good idea to see a lawyer asap. Your assets are potentially being tied up in a possible bid on a home too expensive for you. I would bring the lawyer visit to the top of the list and add:

Stop seeing properties with H and stop bidding on them.

You see what is going on in front of you- I think you have to trust what you see" your H is irrational, he isn't true to his word, he will promise things to get his way and then either back out or realize he can't afford his promises. He is making unrealistic bids on homes out of his price range. When he doesn't get his way, he threatens divorce and says mean things to you.

The longer you place your well being in his hands to control, the more you will experience being at the mercy of his inconsistencies and him having only his wishes met.

It's not an easy step, but now that you don't own a home, you do have the opportunity to take steps to provide some stability for you and your children by finding your own place to live ( even if it is temporary ), finishing school and stepping out into the workplace.
Thank you for replying Wendy,
Would you advise me to respect his wishes not to be spoken to or even looked at. Do I need to pretend as he doesn’t exist? His remark/threat about kicking my face in to create a permanent damage had triggered me to feel scared and small.
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« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2019, 06:23:46 AM »

Replying to the what he says about houses and what he does :
I think you are seeing this clearly- his actions don't align with his words. He can say what he thinks you want to hear, but then he doesn't do what he says.

Which do you think is real? His actions or his words?


If someone says they want to kick your face in- do you want to talk to this person or be around them?

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« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2019, 06:43:00 AM »

Replying to the what he says about houses and what he does :
I think you are seeing this clearly- his actions don't align with his words. He can say what he thinks you want to hear, but then he doesn't do what he says.

Which do you think is real? His actions or his words?


If someone says they want to kick your face in- do you want to talk to this person or be around them?

His actions speak volumes, it’s been close to a months since we had sold. There isn’t any really movement towards resolution of this problem.
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« Reply #15 on: June 13, 2019, 07:07:19 AM »

Please believe what you see.

We don't post "run" messages. This isn't about telling you to run. It's about believing what you see and choosing to take action to not be dependent on an irrational and erratic person.

We also have no control over what someone else wants to do. If he wants to divorce you, he has the choice to do that. If he wants to kick your face in, he can choose to do that too. If he wants to try to buy homes that are out of his price range- he can do that.

You have choices too. They are difficult ones. You can continue to participate in his illusions. The problem is that you are aware that they are not rational- and you suspend your own sense of reality to participate in them. You know better - you choose not to act on that.

Or you decide- you know what is real- this is not the way you want to live and take steps to do something different. If he wants to join you, then he will. If he wants to leave, he will  do that too. You have to make this choice based on your sense of what is important, and real. He can promise you anything- but can he or will he be able to make good on his promises? You know the answer to that.
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« Reply #16 on: June 13, 2019, 07:27:10 AM »

Please believe what you see.
 

The lawyer visit is high on your list. 

You control if you bid on a house...your hand...your signature.  Don't use it. 

You also asked the question if you should stop looking at him and talking to him.  If you are having productive conversations..continue...if not...don't continue.

Back to believe what you see...focus there.

You can do this.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #17 on: June 13, 2019, 10:21:53 AM »

I agree -- the lawyer meeting needs to move to the top of the list.

Ask the lawyer what you should do in light of the threats. You are so accustomed to his verbal abuse that I'm not sure you are hearing this as a serious endangerment -- and he has hurt you before, so he is capable.  Here is a difficult question -- Do you need a protective and emergency order to get him out of the house and to provide you funds or access to funds? Would you feel safer ?

Do NOT sign an offer. Do not participate in any housing decisions. This protects your access to funds from the sale of your house. Ask your lawyer exactly how the disbursement of funds would work -- how exactly would you get a check or transfer to an account in your name only. Is there any way in the process that he could forge your signature? If you think he is capable of forging, Tell the lawyer and find out how to protect yourself.


Tell the lawyer exactly what your current situation is as to funds -- the lawyer needs to help you set yourself up financially for independence.

Put your safety and independence at the forefront, along with your children's needs.
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« Reply #18 on: June 13, 2019, 10:29:19 AM »

I agree with GaGirl's post.

You are so used to his abuse that you don't hear " I want to kick your face in" as a serious thing to say.

If your daughter came home and told you her boyfriend wanted to kick her face in, what would you tell her?

This is not a decent way to treat anyone. It's also potentially dangerous. He's injured your face before.

If he tells you to leave him alone, to not speak to him- why not listen to this? If someone tells you to leave them alone- leave them alone and don't get into their space.
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« Reply #19 on: June 14, 2019, 09:19:13 AM »

Hearing his verbal threats to smash my face, raised fists, intimidating anger twitched faces became “just another day at the office” for me. They stop me in my tracks and I feel paralyses similar to catatonic state. When this happens, I stay frozen for prolonged time, while he does what he does (berates, chastises, criticizes, threatens, yells and belittles).
I don’t know if I’m making things worse to be honest. I made a list for myself that I followed through halfway, I drove the kids to extracurricular, when I came home I took an anti anxiety medication. I did not acknowledge, address or  greet ubpdh. I haven’t made attempts to make contact. I was so tired from crying that I went to s11 bedroom and asked for a permission to sleep. It was one of the most peaceful sleeps I’ve gotten in the past 3 months. In the morning after I dropped of the kids at school, I took our dog for an extra long walk. I kept on going in “he betrayed me “ loop, while trying to remain mindful of the beautiful nature and kept on taking myself out of it. I disassociate a lot. Some things come to the surface of my consciousness, and the tears start fall freely. My ubpdh’s recent worlds about “wanting nothing more then to kick my face in, permanently damaging it” flashbacked me to my biological father’s words after a single domestic violence episode when he nearly killed her, punching her so hard that she went through a glass door, breaking the glass and free wooden frame with her head and back. When I asked my dad how could he do that in front of me, his words were “my only regret is that I didn’t punch her hard enough that she would have never gotten up again”.
As I was walking back home, he first sent me a text with one line “where is the dog?” (Our dog runs away a lot, he must have been worried before leaving to work). I took a picture of our dog on a leash clearly showing he is with me and sent it. Did I invalidate him by not responding? Or is this ok for a response? Should have I used biff? Perhaps I triggered him more by my silent response. Then I saw my unpdh on the opposite side of the street going to work. He didn’t look at me, although he clearly saw me, didn’t make any acknowledgement, as if we are strangers...it triggers me to be destructive. I’m seeing a therapist today to help me with my mental state. I cry minute by minute  
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« Reply #20 on: June 14, 2019, 09:33:44 AM »


Did you get your book?

   

Solid work on seeing the T.   

FF
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« Reply #21 on: June 14, 2019, 09:57:34 AM »

Did you get your book?

   

Solid work on seeing the T.   

FF
Going to university bookstore later today and will start on it. Any advice on communication at this point?
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« Reply #22 on: June 14, 2019, 10:16:38 AM »


I would not communicate with him. 

If he is polite..be polite in return.

Whatever you can do from here out to make this about YOU...do so.  Live your life. 

He will do what he will do. 

Best,

FF
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« Reply #23 on: June 14, 2019, 10:25:17 AM »

Any techniques your therapist can give you about avoiding or getting out of the thought loops will really help reduce your agitation and anxiety.
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« Reply #24 on: June 14, 2019, 10:57:57 AM »

Any techniques your therapist can give you about avoiding or getting out of the thought loops will really help reduce your agitation and anxiety.
I’m going for 2 hrs hypnosis session for ptsd and panic attacks, waiting in the wait room as we speak. Hope to gain some relief.
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« Reply #25 on: June 14, 2019, 12:14:47 PM »

Snowglobe, I've been reading your posts for a couple of years and there is one theme that continues to stand out to me.

It is that you keep wishing that he'd be different, returning to the kind young man who rescued you from difficult circumstances when you were young.

You see glimmers of that past persona when he does nice things for you: buying you gifts, taking you on vacations.

No matter how much you massage him or agree to have intense sex that makes you uncomfortable, you will never bring back the person he was.

If you can accept that he is who he is, you will no longer be fighting reality. In doing so, you will no longer set yourself up for disappointment. You will no longer expect him to honor his word. You will no longer be shocked when he violates agreements.

Are you ready to let go of the fantasy and to embrace reality?
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« Reply #26 on: June 14, 2019, 02:08:35 PM »

Did you see a therapist today for a therapy session or only the hypnosis session?
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« Reply #27 on: June 14, 2019, 02:46:50 PM »

Hi Cat and Ducks!
You are absolutely right about wanting to see the man that saved me from my circumstances. I still see him occasionally, which is intermittent reinforcement, most powerful of its kind. The session was for trauma focus therapy. Guided by the therapist I had to revisit a lot of my earlier childhood traumas, and boy, we could not accomplish it in one sitting. I’m coming back on Monday. We also deep hypnosis to help me with anxiety and sleep disturbances. I got her clinical opinion on my situation, given physical and mental abuse (disregarding bpd) she advised me that it’s unlikely to stop, and this house sale might be something such as blessing in disguise, which will make separation easier if you will. As npd it’s also likely that if he doesn’t buy the house, he would fell like “winning”, which will make it easier to negotiate the settlement. She told me that although she respects my wishes to try and save the family, in her professional opinion, it’s my codependency and gears of financial nature. It’s not something she can work with to build a foundation on. I’m also slowly coming to a place of acceptance, perhaps it is my way out. It’s like someone open the door for me for a healthier life and future, and I keep on holding it from the inside and crying. After my appointment I went and got the textbooks, my weekend will be filled with children and homework. Next week, lawyer and resume are on my list. I don’t know what the future holds, but I need to live for my children. Maybe after some time I can gain a different perspective
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #28 on: June 15, 2019, 12:35:38 AM »

Staff only

This thread reached maximum length and has been split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337241.msg13058320#msg13058320

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