Feeling better

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all. I’ve been away for a bit. I’m giving myself some time to post a little this evening. As things would have it, I stepped down from being an ambassador and I haven’t visited my therapist for a while. I needed some room to see where I’m at outside of this kind of support. I will eventually start seeing my therapist again and will always be coming here, but I’m doing alright. I feel pretty good. I’ve amped up my self care with working out pretty intensely, continuing to eat well and sitting alone in silence calmly while letting my thoughts do their thing. Not quite meditation, but those thoughts don’t bother me as much now. Some do, and that’s why I came here. Some of them wash over for a while. I don’t see that as a negative anymore. It just is. I can’t travel back in time to change a thing. I couldn’t change a thing through conversation when I tried with them. That was then.

Good things: I was promoted at work and have charged in to my new position like a young bull with new horns. I’m utilizing the tools everyday in my new role and they work really well. It’s going very well. I feel physically better through  exercise and diet which is helping me organize my head space again. I think about my time here and how much I’ve benefited from it as awkward as I’ve been here. S4 is doing well. There’s still the occasional rift between his mom and I.

Finding my way through this stuff has taken some time. Longer than Id like sometimes. I’ve found that staying the course has a positive outcome. I’ve also learned that patience and taking my time with my feelings and emotions is important.

Ok, enough “I” statements. Are there others feeling better today than they did yesterday? The week before? The month before? If so, what was it that helped you to feel better?

[JNChell]

Hey all. I’ve been away for a bit. I’m giving myself some time to post a little this evening. As things would have it, I stepped down from being an ambassador and I haven’t visited my therapist for a while. I needed some room to see where I’m at outside of this kind of support. I will eventually start seeing my therapist again and will always be coming here, but I’m doing alright. I feel pretty good. I’ve amped up my self care with working out pretty intensely, continuing to eat well and sitting alone in silence calmly while letting my thoughts do their thing. Not quite meditation, but those thoughts don’t bother me as much now. Some do, and that’s why I came here. Some of them wash over for a while. I don’t see that as a negative anymore. It just is. I can’t travel back in time to change a thing. I couldn’t change a thing through conversation when I tried with them. That was then.

Good things: I was promoted at work and have charged in to my new position like a young bull with new horns. I’m utilizing the tools everyday in my new role and they work really well. It’s going very well. I feel physically better through  exercise and diet which is helping me organize my head space again. I think about my time here and how much I’ve benefited from it as awkward as I’ve been here. S4 is doing well. There’s still the occasional rift between his mom and I.

Finding my way through this stuff has taken some time. Longer than Id like sometimes. I’ve found that staying the course has a positive outcome. I’ve also learned that patience and taking my time with my feelings and emotions is important.

Ok, enough “I” statements. Are there others feeling better today than they did yesterday? The week before? The month before? If so, what was it that helped you to feel better?

[HappyChappy]

Good to see you’re doing well and acting like a new bull with horns at work, keep getting  promoted and I’m sure they’ll  let you be a cowboy  one day.

Anyway, I’m not supposed to be here because I’m cured (I'm trying to fool myself) ! That's my feeling better news.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell! 

I am so glad you are doing better and I am thrilled, but not surprised, you were promoted!  That must feel great.   

I am going better overall thanks.  Winter was really rough for me this year.  Never noticed a seasonal affect on me before and I am not sure that was what was going on, but whatever that funk was it is lifted for the most part.  I was thinking about it and I think I just need to take these down times in stride and keep working the tools and my recovery.   

HappyC, this made me laugh out loud for real:

Anyway, I’m not supposed to be here because I’m cured (I'm trying to fool myself) ! That's my feeling better news.

[JNChell]

My 2 favorite beagles! So glad to see you guys. HC, I along with Harri ’d. Maybe we can rally together and brow beat Skip into starting a “cured” board. BTW, my updated cover letter will now include “desires to be a cowboy”.

Harri, I’m very happy to know that you’re feeling better. My T has asked me before if I’ve noticed seasonal slumps. I never really paid attention to that before, but it’s something to look out for. The holidays were a real low point for me this past year. I’m going to do my best to be mindful of that this year. And...the severe weather sirens are going off. Be back later.

[GaGrl]

Congratulations on the promotion -- a move (Especially in one'scareer) is almost always a stimulus.

I also found that the tools here -- when practiced at work -- were app!usable in many situations and really worked well. They helped with difficult people ( one I worked with for 13 years until she was finally fired for -- these what -- BPDish behaviors) and with keeping me centered.

Now that I'm retired, it's just life as usual until DH's ex or my mom kick in with something weird.

[JNChell]

Ok, no Wizard of Oz stuff happened so I think I’m in the clear. Harri, I’ll follow your lead and agree that sometimes all we can do is take this stuff in stride. Damn it sometimes, but what else are we going to do? Retract back into it? Not a chance. Never going back there. Self awareness when it comes to this stuff is something to behold. It takes a lot of strength, resilience and perseverance. Where those things came from for peeps like you and I, I don’t know. We know enough about each other to know that we’ve been through some f’d up  , but somehow we met here and are doing everything we can to turn those negatives into positives. I think we’re going to be okay, my friend. We’ll hit those occasional speed bumps, but we’ve built the muscle and support that we need. I’m optimistic.

[JNChell]

Hi, GaGrl. I think it’s pretty cool to see that you’re an ambassador. You share a lot of wisdom here.

Thanks for the congrats. The promotion definitely helped in the confidence category. The tools work big time. I’m working with a team that has 2 people that are questionable. The rest of the crew has become quite enjoyable to work with and oversee. The tools are so easy and work so well with these folks. It actually feels good to implement them with people that aren’t high conflict or toxic. I still have trouble implementing them with people that I need to protect myself from. Work in progress.

The BPD’ish behaviors show up a lot. I’m not hyper vigilant like I once was about it, but there is no dismissing the amount of narcissism that is running rampant in our society. I think I’ve peaked and come back down to see things for what they are.

You have thick skin. The ex and your mom. You know, we didn’t choose this crap, but we’re damn well left with having to deal with it. RA.

[Tsultan]

You sound like you are in a good space JNChell.  Congratulations on your successes in your career!    I am not surprised either.  I sense you have true grit and determination. 

I am in a good space today too.  I found a new T who has a passion for working with BPD'ers.   and I feel like she will be able to help me overcome this sense of shame that I feel is beginning to lift since I started working with her. 

I am still struggling to let go of my exBPDbf.  I will see him on the trail still once in a while and he will ask to walk with me and ask me to get a bite to eat together.  We went to dinner once and it was like... "1,2 3 right back where we left off" his words.  It made him uncomfortable and he set a new boundary to only walk on the trail and no lunches.  But since then he has suggested going to grab a bite to eat but bails out at the last minute.  He did it twice.  I saw him at a meeting and wasn't sure if he was interested in another woman that he was sitting next to and it made me very jealous.  That is when I began to seriously look up the new T to help me detach from this crazy and hurtful r/s if that is what you want to call it.  That was about 3 weeks ago.  Can you believe it's been a year since we broke up?

I am feeling less depressed and I too am knocking it out of the park in my job.  The 3D drafting skills that were dormant kicked back in even stronger than before.  I am feeling confident in my ability to contribute.  I have also been taking it easy on myself if I am not perfect.  I get out of work at 4:00 and I have a decent amount of evening to enjoy.

It's always good to read your posts.  You have wisdom and healing in your words.

 
Bluegill

[JNChell]

Bluegill, I’m glad to read about your latest development. It’s hard to find people that understand. Sounds like you have. Nurture it.

Letting go is hard. Whether or not the emotions are healthy, they’re hard to let go of. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Feelings are feelings. What do we do? We continue to feel these things and react to them until we realize that it’s not worth the hurt. Do you feel like you’re living in hope? He’s not going to change.

[Tsultan]

JNChell, definitely it's the last threads of hope.  You are absolutely right.  He is not going to change. 

Not quite meditation, but those thoughts don’t bother me as much now.

I am there with you on this and that is a step in the right direction.


BG

[JNChell]

BG, when you see that bobber bobbing, don’t set the hook. Call it a day, think about how you want to fish from now on and spend some time organizing your tackle box. Are you after bottom feeding yellow bellies or pan fish that bring you joy.

Yeah, age is a thing, but don’t close yourself off because of that. Think about it. There are men out there that are exactly where you are. I know you didn’t mention that in this thread, but if I remember correctly you’ve mentioned it in other threads. Don’t paint yourself into a corner. Move forward. Once you remove the hurt and manage the leftovers, you’ll see. It’s a process. There is no “AHA” moment. It’s a realization that happens while reflecting or thinking about things.

This was a process for me. Often, the thinking/reflecting part of it would send me back to places that I didn’t want to participate in anymore, but I did. It’s part of my makeup and I’m learning how to combat that.

When many of us think about our exes, our emotions run wild. We feel it from head to toe, and it doesn’t feel good. This is where we make a decision to learn and move ourselves forward, or stay where we are. It’s goes back and forth, but the bottom line needs to be drawn. We can yo-yo until we reach it. That’s perfectly normal.

Bluegill, it sounds like you’re doing swimmingly well. Yes, that was a corny metaphor. Stay the course my friend. Everything is going to be ok.

[Tsultan]

JNChell

BG, when you see that bobber bobbing, don’t set the hook. Call it a day, think about how you want to fish from now on and spend some time organizing your tackle box. Are you after bottom feeding yellow bellies or pan fish that bring you joy.

This made me laugh out loud!   Thanks for your support.  It will be okay you are right. I am doing much better.

Today, what I did which helped me very much was every time a memory of him came into my mind I said a prayer to God that "if this thought does not serve your purpose for me or good for your sake in my life, please remove it from me".  It helped me today.  I will be continuing to rely on God's help to get me through this to the end.

I am going to hang out around the lake this afternoon.  It always make me feel better.

If God wanted to he could literally put the person he wanted me to be with on my front door.  He truly believe this.  I am settling in with walking alone for now.  I have my family, a few good friends, my horse, my cat, this support group, and Al-anon.  A good job.

All thing to be grateful for.  Off to the lake...

BG

[GaGrl]

JNChell -- I love that prayer. I believe that dwelling on negative thoughts can put us into a spinning situation...kinda like swirling around the sink into the drain.

On applying the tools with co-workers...I joined this forum about a year after marrying my DH. I also started a new and high-pressure job just after we reconnected with a national company that required a lot of travel and cooperation with leaders in local markets. One leader was extremely difficult to work with, and it was only after co-workers asked how I had managed to reach detente'  with her that I realized I was holding to boundaries that finally brought her to an understanding of what she could and could not get from me.

I had figured out that she had BPD traits, coming out in verbally abusive behavior to people she considered her peers or "underlings." Her boss got her a coach, paid for by the company, to address the behaviors - - she needed a therapist. She was a brilliant, skilled, capable person who lacked emotional control and was, at the same time, manipulative.

It seriously took 13 years for her boss (same one the entire time) to become aware of a rage incident that finally moved the boss to the "never going to resolve this, and it's unacceptable" understanding and terminate her employment.

Boundaries! It's the first step, and other tools seem to fall in line after that.

[Tsultan]

JNChell,  How about this?  That fish will not be swimming near my lake no more!   

BG