Stbx is in a paranoid rage; issuing threats through triangulation

[I Am Redeemed]

MIL called me today. Stbx called and texted me from a new number the other day, and he is enraged that I refuse to answer.

He claims he needs to contact me because of "what's going on". This is his way of referring to his beliefs that local and federal law enforcement are involved in a conspiracy against him. Generally, these delusions surface when he is intensely stressed, sometimes receding, unless he is using illegal substances (particularly methamphetamine).

These paranoid episodes are the main reason I am still NC and refuse to take our son anywhere near him. I will be filing for divorce next month. In the meantime, stbx has the option to get a lawyer and file a petition to get visitation with his son if he wants to. He has not. He claimed that he was filing for divorce when he got his tax return last Feb. He did not. Nor did he try to get appropriate housing instead of the motel he's been living in.

Apparently, stbx called and raged at his mother and demanded she call me and tell me that he is demanding that I call him. There were some vague threats of what he might do if I don't call.

He now claims that the FBI, or whoever, threatened me with ten years in prison if I didn't leave him, and that is why I went NC, and he needs to talk to me about that.

I told MIL that I am done being intimidated by his threats, and I will not be calling him. I know she thinks that if I contact him and tell him to stop trying to contact me, that he will stop bothering her. He won't, and I am not breaking NC. It's her choice to keep letting him dump his emotional crap onto her, and I feel for her because I know how hard it is to set boundaries, but I will not be forced into an unwanted contact with him in order to rescue her. I have empathy for her, but she is the only one who can determine how much she listens to his crazy. He lays the FOG on thick with her.

She expressed concern for me because his mental state is severe right now. He said he got kicked out of the motel, and she doesn't know where he is staying. She also thinks he is lying about why he got kicked out, and he might be using again.

I told her that I will call the police if he acts out towards me. I am considering getting another protection order, except now I don't know where he lives.

She said he has doubled his number of calls to her in the last week, and he may be paranoid and raging in one call, then perfectly calm a couple hours later.

Good grief. I don't need this. I knew his paranoia has been ramping up by the nature of his voice mail messages to me (still leaving them after eight months of NC), but this is starting to become unsettling.

[Lucky Jim]

Stay strong, Redeemed.  Your NC strategy, in my view, is working.  I'm sure these calls from your MIL are draining, but NC allows you to stay above the fray.  Keep up the good work and keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[GaGrl]

I like that you see this escalation in calls to your MIL, as well as her response to then call you, for what it is. You sound grounded and resolute.

Still, it must be frustrating to feel that you are being pulled into a triangle. And there's not much you can do to help your MIL -- I'm sure she has dealt with this for many years.

So when he calls you from a new number, is he leaving messages? If so, are you listening to them? Or have you blocked him?

[I Am Redeemed]

I have not listened to the latest voice mails. I considered blocking him, but now I think I may save his text messages as documentation, because when I file for divorce I will absolutely push for the necessity of supervised visitation with our s3.

His latest text said he wants to see s3 and our other kids for father's day, and that he is asking nicely. I don't have any control whatsoever about when he sees the oldest kids. He said the decision is mine. It's not, except for s3, and I went nc because of his dangerous behavior towards me when I was attempting to give him visitation with s3. He sexually assaulted me during a visit, after disabling my van so I could not leave. This is why I went nc, not because the authorities threatened me with prison time (for what? pointless question).

He said he is informing people "outside" who can help us with this matter. I am saving these messages as proof of his loose grip on reality.

[Cat Familiar]

After I split from my first husband, I had a moment when he was talking to me and it occurred to me that he was quite insane.

As he continued talking (and I was secretly recording what he was saying), I was asking myself if he was always this crazy and that I just didn't notice or if he'd gotten crazier since I broke up with him.

Years later, I still don't have an answer to that question. But many years after the fact, it dawned upon me that he might have been using meth after our relationship ended.

It's a very weird feeling to observe the crazy from a detached distance and wonder, what next? How do I deal with this?

Good that you are saving those messages.

[GaGrl]

I remember that visitation attempt. Based on that, supervised visitation definitely would be the preferred court order.

Document, document, document.

[I Am Redeemed]

He is now calling my work, where he has been told by management not to call, and demanding that I call back within thirty minutes or he will call someone "higher up". Not sure what that means, but I now have a witness to harassment.

It may be time for another protection order.

[Cat Familiar]

Having a current protection order is a good strategy. Any updates?

[I Am Redeemed]

He has tried calling me a few times, a couple on Father's day. I was at work, very busy night (I waited on 70 people in six hours!) So I didn't even know he called. He left no message.

Haven't heard from MIL either; going to check with her later and see if she has found out where he is staying.