worried about a week long visit from my daughter who has BPD

[gwestbrook2]

 
my daughter is coming for a week long visit with her live-in boyfriend and my grandson. we haven't spent time together in 2 years since her last explosive episode. at that time there was abuse and neglect of my grandson and violence between her and her boyfriend. she had agreed to leave my grandson here with me while she got her situation straightened out and then ended up coming back the next day and taking him and not allowing ANY contact what so ever. she went back to the boyfriend and we finally got contact last October over the phone with my grandson. now she wants to come so we can all "work out" and "get over"(her words) our uncomfortable feelings with each other.
 I have had custody of my granddaughter(her daughter) since she was 7 months old, she is now 16. she is not interested in trying to work things out with her mother after many failed attempts and she can't stand the boyfriend. She feels like she has let her brother down because when she could not handle being with her mother she just left and came home and had to leave him there. I am afraid if anyone says the wrong thing to her or the boyfriend we will not see or hear from them and I am worried about my grandson. and yes we have contacted social services about our concerns but were told because it happened else where, they can't do anything. Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello gWestbrook2
I am both glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. It sounds like you are in a very touchy situation to say the least and I don't blame you for feeling apprehensive.  My only advice would be to try to stay calm, keep your communication simple and positive, and be as validating as you can without validating the invalid. If you need to vent do it here. This is safe space and we all understand. Who knows? Maybe some good will come of this visit. The fact that your D reached out at all seems hopeful. Please keep us posted. We will all be pulling for you and hoping for some healing to happen in these really challenging relationships.

[gwestbrook2]

Thank you for your comment, it means a lot! I am going to stay positive and hoping for healing! I will be using my tools as much as possible and doing a lot of deep breathing. I will keep posting and probably venting some too. : )

[Only Human]

Hi gwestbrook2

I join Faith in welcoming you to  bpdfamily, we are glad you are here

It is understandable that you'd be fearful of a visit going south after such a long period of no-contact.

now she wants to come so we can all "work out" and "get over"(her words) our uncomfortable feelings with each other.

I'm seeing this as a positive, she wants to work toward being comfortable around you and wants you to be comfortable with her around. It's a step in the right direction.

Has the visit been scheduled already or are you all still in the planning stages?

You talk about using your tools, can you tell us more about what has worked for you in the past? We've lots of communication tools that we are all learning together and it's always great to hear how what's worked for others in similar situations.

I look forward to hearing more from you, venting and all, and how we can best support you.

~ OH

[livednlearned]

It sounds like she will have a lot to say  

How do you usually respond when she starts to escalate?

I find it much easier to regulate my emotions when younger kids are not involved.

What are some of the skills you think will be useful?

Is there any possibility of her staying in a hotel? A week is a long time for anyone to stay, much less someone with emotion regulation issues and a past history, although I know hotels can be expensive and aren't always a reasonable solution.