Got engaged after 5 months. Now she is gone. What can I do?

[Yoke]

Hi. Am new here. I've been in a (gay) relationship for 8 months with a woman i think have BPD. Every sign of it. Our relationship has been a huge rollercoaster with breakups from her so many times. We we were engaged and every time she broke up, she left the ring. And every time she broke up with me with an textmessage of rage and accusing me for ex not being honest, lied, went behind her back. She got proof of it. ( none of it was true) and she never told me WHAT i did wrong? Just THAT i had.. now , since a month ago she broke up in the same way.. textmessage, rage accusing.. but this time she havent come back or talk to me. Is she gone forever? She texted me a week ago telling me she is dating" someone". Is that so? Does she really hates me so much? And will she ever" forgive" me and make contact with me again?.. im so hurt, lost and confused.. what to do? Have u been in the same situation when they broke up by a coward textmessage? The crazy thing is that i love her and wants her back even if i know how it will be .. she IS the right one.. please respond anyone..

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[2020]

Hello Yoke...
Sorry to hear of your suffering. I did read your other post earlier but have had a few dramas going on here myself. I just wanted to let you know a few things. You are not alone, and it is likely not your fault this is happening. I see these break ups have happened before. What are you sensing this time? Have you read much about Borderlne Personality Disorder? There are some links at the top of the screen under 'Tools'. Maybe read some of that and see if it is applicable. Some more experienced members will be along real soon with some help I am sure. Once again, sorry to hear you are hurting.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  We do understand so I am glad you are here.

Is she gone forever? She texted me a week ago telling me she is dating" someone". Is that so? Does she really hates me so much? And will she ever" forgive" me and make contact with me again?.. im so hurt, lost and confused.. what to do? Have u been in the same situation when they broke up by a coward textmessage? The crazy thing is that i love her and wants her back even if i know how it will be .. she IS the right one.. please respond anyone..

It is hard to say what is going on with her.  She may or may not want to get back together.  I am sorry this happened.  This is such a painful way to break up with someone. 

If she has BPD, it is important and helpful to understand that for them, feelings equal facts.  So if they feel like you have lied to them, then it is fact for them.   Denying that, as I am sure you saw, does not good and often only intensifies the feeling of betrayal.

Please do keep posting, but also take the time to read some of the material here.  We have a great thread titled:  Who Should Post on This Board

Again,

[Yoke]

Hi. Why does someone with bpd breakup with you when things get seriously in the relationship? They searc for love , craving for it but when they got it from you, they push you far away.. that is so unlogical. What to do so they understand that you are never going to abandon them? How do i act, say? Please give me feedback

[once removed]

hi Yoke, and

it certainly can be confusing, cant it!

people with bpd traits can be easily overwhelmed, for better, and for worse, and in turn, that can be overwhelming for us.

can you tell us more about what is going on between you and your partner, and the ways shes pushing you away? how long have you been together?

[Yoke]

Got engaged after 5 months. She is the one and only true love. Our relationship was a rollercoaster. After aprox 5 months she broke up with me the first time right before she was going to move into my place. Then all the time during our relation she had trustissues, and she broke up with me for different reasons every time, always one hour after i left for work, then she sent me a textmessage accusing me for not being honest, lied, not kept my promises, that she had proof of what i have done to her, but NEVER told me what i have done? What the proof was. She broke up with me after a 2-3 week period of good times.. a pattern. She never broke up with me eye to an eye. I came after her apologuise to her for hurting her, we talked, cried, and tried again. I broke contact with many of my friends she thought was a "threath" to us. And i broke up with friends because i wanted to also. I was with her 24/7 and loved it so much! Just be with her. We had such a amazing time now, i was going to move into her apartement, we planned the summer, future.. and from nowhere.. she broke up with me a month ago.. with a furious textmessage accusing me for not being truly honest, went behind her back, she got proof again etc.. one hour after i went to work. She was home in my apartement.. left the ring. Told me she never wanted to see me again.. as always in her brealup medsages..Blocked me and disappeared.. again.. 2 weeks ago i went to her home to ask when i could give her her stuff she left at my place... she said, i  cannot bear this.. and locked her door. After a while i got a textmessage where she told me i could do whatever i wanted with her belongings, as long as she did not have to see me... one week ago when i wrote a letter to her telling how much i still love her, she replied that she is dating" someone new" now... is she seeing someone for real or just try avoid me and hurt me? i am devestated here. What shall i do? Just leave her alone? Never see her again?  Or wait? I dont want to loose her forever.. what did i do wrong? I never lied, cheated or hid anything from her. Please help me.

[once removed]

i can hear your pain, Yoke. it must be difficult being accused of things and not an opportunity to say anything.

if she has let you know that she cant handle contact right now, the best thing you can do is give her space...trying to engage her before shes ready could push her away, whereas giving her that space looks strong and confident and allows her to reengage when and if shes ready, on her own terms.

what do you think?

[Yoke]

We got engaged after 5 months and she wanted it! That was a dream who came through for her. She was the one initiated to hit on me. She was the one who fell in love first.. so i dont know why she just disappeared right now? Did she get cold feet now when she was going to live in a new apartement? Summer? Or did she haf another one before she broke up with me?

[once removed]

its hard to say, Yoke.

people with bpd traits struggle in relationships, with a variety of fears, trust issues being a big one.

this may be something that she does regularly. if she did come back, would you be able to live with that?

[Skip]

Let's talk. Everyone will help.

So, what do you think she believes was "not honest"?

People with BPD have trust issues and, from their perspective, their reasons for leaving are often trust based (real or perceived).

We (you) need to explore that here. What was the breaking up all about. Look at the hints. Look at what she said.

You need to lock into that and understand it before trying to approach her.

So what is bugging her?

[Yoke]

I have been reading every conversation we had. And there is a pattern for the breakups. Everytime when i have went to work and she is still home in my apartement. The textmessage most always contain this " you lied to me, you were not telling me the truth, you have got behind my back, i will never speak to you again, will never see you, i have proof on it." But NEVER she says what i have done or what proof she has... just accusing me. I have never done this things she says. Never.. never cheated on her. The periods of breakups has been since a half year back.. after 3- 4 weeks of amazing times. Then just from nowhere.. she hates me and break up. And always when we planned something "big" like moving together, long trips, christmas, then she breaks up just before. I really dont know what i have done to make her breakup. Ihave giving my soul , heart and mind just with pure love . I know her cracked and awful childhood, and i respect her and tried everything to make her feel she can trust me. So "not honest" - i dont know what she is meaning about it, am so sorry. I dont know what is bugging her, because i have not lied, cheated, or so. I start to think that maybe it is because she was with me. A woman. She has never been into a relationship with women before? She saw herself as heterosexual. Or is it because she had bad relationships before with not close , real love? That s why she cant handle it now with me? Or maybe she got furious of a letter ( from a woman i met 5 years ago just for 2 months and nothing serious at all)  i thought i had thrown away and she may have found? But i told her right away when i discovered it. And it was AFTER she sent me the hateful textmessage with the breakup. So it cant be that. Just got her more angry when i told her the truth about that i did think i had thrown it away 5 years ago? Help me, please let me know what you think may be the issue..or the reason why.

[Harri]

Hi Yoke.

It will help for you to realize that pwBPD have a lot of shame and also have a fear and when triggered, their feelings will determine fact for them.  So if she feels like you lied to her, then you did lie to her in her reality.  It does not matter if you did not in fact lie.  Feelings equal facts for them.

Another thing to remember is that when they are triggered or dysregulated, sometimes it has nothing or very little to do with us.  Denying, defending, explaining over and over again to defend our self from accusations only escalate the problems.

What I think is going on?  I think she has some difficult behaviors that make it hard to trust and I think you ned to slow down and breathe and listen to and talk with us. 

We are here.   

[Forgiveness]

Hi Yoke!

I am new here too and also in a same sex relationship. Your post has given me a lot to think about. I see that you love her very much. My thoughts are:

1. Most people don't change drastically over time. If they do, it's because they really want to, and change is slow.

2. What do you love about her? I wonder if drama itself is attractive. I think drama in a relationship can be addictive both to the BPD and the non-BPD person. Drama is all consuming. Also, the way a BPD person loves you is very intense. This is also addictive and feels great. Not necessarily bad, just something to notice.

The questions you are asking may never be answered. What then? Are you comfortable with this cycle of intense love and intense break ups?  

[Forgiveness]

Because these relationships are so completely consuming, it's really good to remember to focus on other things in our lives, and keep connections to other friends who are supportive. It's easy to get sucked into a drama and become obsessive ourselves.

[Yoke]

I  do love her for her caring, her thinking of things, fast replies, her humor, cooking, her great hunger to educate things at her work, her passion. Ihave never thought that the drama or breakups where attractive at all. Never. It just made me confused. And we did not have just a sex relationship. Sex was not the main focus. We were engaged. Had plans for the future etc.. i go through therapy myself now try understand all this, heal my broken soul, try rebuild myself. I have read so much about bpd, but still want to know if there is aany? Chance that she will come back? And WHY then?.. please help me here. Thanx for al the replies

[Yoke]

I do also want to understand HER, because i have read that you can be in a relationship with them if they get treatment.? I know it will take such much work from me, but i am 100 % sure of that she is worth it. Because i love her so much and she is not a bad person.. just so damaged of her past.. i also wonder if all things she said to me, was it true words that she loved me? Wanted us to be together forever, our future plans.. or was it just something she said in her idelization part?

[Skip]

I dont know what is bugging her...

This is key to understanding... something is driving her. She broke up a lot of times. What was the common thread? Putting your finger on this will help.

I start to think that maybe it is because she was with me. A woman. She has never been into a relationship with women before? She saw herself as heterosexual.

Do she ever express this concern?

[Yoke]

The common thread most of the times since 3 months ago is that she breaks up after 2-4 weeks  of amazing time. Always one hour after i left for work in the morning... then a textmessage comes with rage, accusing me go behind her back, lied, not being truly honest, she got proof of it, say she never want to see me..  thats the common thread...

[Yoke]

Hi again. I am stuck here. My heart tells me i do want her back. More than anything because i love her soo much!... but my mind says i should move on. The thing is that she devaluated me for 2 months ago and vanished. Blocked me on messenger, fb..not a word from her ,, just a textmessage a month ago " i am dating someone new".. did she want to see my reaction, fight for her or was it a sign she hates me? How do i know..? Is she still in the painting me black..? Or shall i try show her i still love her? Please respond.. thanx

[once removed]

if she is in another relationship, and engaged, that has to play out. any involvement you have in it may backfire.

[Yoke]

@once removed. She texted me said she is dating someone new. But she is not engaged to whoever he/she is. She was engaged with me.. i dont understand what u mean by this  @once removed  "and engaged, that has to play out. any involvement you have in it may backfire".. explain please. Do u mean if i should knock on her door and she will open and see me.. and is in a new relationship, then she would start rage at me and i will get so much hate from her?

[once removed]

no. i mean that if shes in another relationship, the strongest move is to keep your distance.

[Yoke]

@once removed. Thanx. Is that because she would be violate to me if i " disturb her" ? Or is that because she moved on?.. or a way dor me to forget her completely?

[Skip]

It is because she is consumed by the new relationship and it you challenge that she will disrespect you and / or get angry. This doesn't help.

The new relationship will move out of the honeymoon phase. Most relationships fail before 90 days. She will be more receptive to you then, than now.  How much is the question.

[Yoke]

Thanx @skip. I was thinking of to give her stuff back now but then its not a good time to do it now then...... fxxx.. one part of me just want to just see her face for 2 sec.. another part of me says its not good for me see her. Its just my fooling thinking that if i dont show her that i still do care so much and love her.. then she will feel that she was "right about me".. that i did not care. Dilemma... dont u think @skip? Because i have read they do want u to show u care.. even if they left u.. am i not right? Please respond anyone

[Yoke]

Thanx @skip. I was thinking of to give her stuff back now but then its not a good time to do it now then... fxxx.. one part of me just want to just see her face for 2 sec.. another part of me says its not good for me see her. Its just my fooling thinking that if i dont show her that i still do care so much and love her.. then she will feel that she was "right about me".. that i did not care. Dilemma... dont u think @skip? Because i have read they do want u to show u care.. even if they left u.. am i not right? Do i think just unlogical because i am in pain?

[once removed]

my ex jumped into a new relationship, and i wondered the same thing.

i think more than likely, she knows you care, at least on some level. i think Skip is right that trying to show her love or care would be perceived as challenging the new relationship...not the type of care that would be well received.

what sort of stuff of hers do you still have?

[Yoke]

Thanx @once removed. I guess u are right about it. I should stay away.. i have clothes, some jewerelys, two design lamps, pots, flowers, lots of kitchen aid, pillows, blankets and so on. You know, last year she was going to move into my place and got almost every thing moved here. But 5 days before the day. She broke up with me... and did not move in. She and a friend came to pick all  her stuff back, but when they were here, she did not take all of it.. she said to her friend " no, leave that and that".. and the things stayed here.  Now, after the final discharge.. she only took some of her clothes with her.. left the other things.. ? and it hurts to have it here... its her stuff.. i tried, just after the final breakup to see her and ask her when i could leave her things. She looked at me quick an said " yoke, no i cant bare it " .. and closed her door. Then she texted me telling me she did not want them.. she couldnt see me..so i could do whatever i wanted with them.. as long as she did not have to see me... so what to do here? I am thinking of leave them later or to her old neighbour.. please help me.! Btw. She has just moved to another place. And i know that she loved her designlamps..she told me that half year ago...

[Yoke]

Thanx @skip. I was thinking of to give her stuff back now but then its not a good time to do it now then... fxxx.. one part of me just want to just see her face for 2 sec.. another part of me says its not good for me see her. Its just my fooling thinking that if i dont show her that i still do care so much and love her.. then she will feel that she was "right about me".. that i did not care. Dilemma... dont u think @skip? Because i have read they do want u to show u care.. even if they left u.. am i not right? Do i think just unlogical because i am in pain?

[Yoke]

Thanx @once removed. I guess u are right about it. I should stay away.. i have clothes, some jewerelys, two design lamps, pots, flowers, lots of kitchen aid, pillows, blankets and so on. You know, last year she was going to move into my place and got almost every thing moved here. But 5 days before the day. She broke up with me... and did not move in. She and a friend came to pick all  her stuff back, but when they were here, she did not take all of it.. she said to her friend " no, leave that and that".. and the things stayed here.  Now, after the final discharge.. she only took some of her clothes with her.. left the other things.. ? and it hurts to have it here... its her stuff.. i tried, just after the final breakup to see her and ask her when i could leave her things. She looked at me quick an said " yoke, no i cant bare it " .. and closed her door. Then she texted me telling me she did not want them.. she couldnt see me..so i could do whatever i wanted with them.. as long as she did not have to see me... so what to do here? I am thinking of leave them later or to her old neighbour.. please help me.! Btw. She has just moved to another place. And i know that she loved her designlamps..she told me that half year ago...