Ran into Ex 5 months later and called a stalker.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Last post met the 2 page limit so starting a new thread, original post below. 

Mod Note:  Original thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335058.0;all

I am 44 and have never been married so I have dated many women. Most ended mutually and respectfully while a few ended due to an argument. My mind and all of my friends and family are extremely confused by how hard this break-up has hit me, especially since our relationship only lasted 4 months. I recently came across literature on BPD and NPD and my jaw dropped as it felt like I was reading my own story. I cannot even comprehend how much pain other members on here must have experienced in longer term relationships before being discarded but I am hoping that sharing my story will bring me feedback on how to heal from this experience.

I met this woman online in September. We connected immediately, she was an amazing communicator and I found her incredibly interesting. Over the next two-and-a-half months I found her to be the least selfish woman I had ever met and I fell in love with her quickly. She texted me 50 times a day. She brought me gifts every single time she came to see me which made me a little uncomfortable at first. Ice cream, pizza, thanksgiving dinner, etc. I got the flu during our first month together and she brought me medicine to work and orange juice. She told me things I had never heard before except in movies. She was so lucky to find me, where did i come from, she wanted to build a future with me, she asked if I wanted to have kids eventually. She insisted I get an STD test and I was fine with that. She told me she thought she was pregnant for a few days when she was away on a trip and when I asked if she was worried she said as calmly as can be that she was not and we would have dealt with it together. I honestly thought I was going to marry her eventually after that comment. I am 44 and she was 36 so this made me extremely happy that I had found someone to have a future and a family with before I got too old. There were a few things I found odd but I was by no means going to be judgmental. She had a lot of anxiety and was constantly unable to handle criticism. She went into a rage for an entire day because someone honked at her. She had a fight with her cousin at work and went on a 10 minute f-bomb rant when she came to see me and asked if we could find a hit man to kill him. I thought it was just an over the top joke but now I look back and see that it was narcissistic rage. She would talk to strangers anywhere she went and had this bizarre way of being unable to focus on more than one person. I would be completely ignored until she finished the conversation. When I introduced her to my mom she didn't even talk to me the entire hour because she was focused on my mom and wanted her approval. she told my mom she was skinny when my mom had gained a lot of weight recently and we found that comment strange.

Her family is very wealthy and she has just started working for their family business. They paid for her to not work for 14 years and live abroad while getting her PHD. She still lives at home and volunteers and goes to church because she says it makes her feel like a good person. When I first met her she was embarrassed to admit these things, but as month 3 began I started to see less of her as she just wanted to spend most of her weekends with her family. She scolded me in public on multiple occasions not to embarrass her, once all I did was ask where we going for breakfast in the hotel lobby and she yelled at me. I went with her and my mom to the grocery store and she was quiet and moody the whole time. When we came home she yelled at me in front of my mom because she didn't want any birthday cake and I asked her to have some. Suddenly everything was a contradiction and I began to become very confused. She didn't want chocolate anymore because she said she was fat even though she was extremely fit. The first time I gave her gifts she loved them. Then she told me randomly she didn't like getting gifts because she doesn't like most things people give her and she has to pretend. She was no longer a fan of texting and emails. She didn't like flowers anymore, she didn't like holding hands in public, she didn't like music, one night she didn't like movies because she should be spending her time saving the world and the next night she wanted to watch movies again. She only liked drinking shakes she made at home all of a sudden. I asked her if she would make me a watermelon shake twice and she ignored me completely even though she couldn't stop bringing me things in the beginning. She stayed overnight at my house only once and twice on overnight trips but lied to her parents all 3 times that she was with a friend because she felt guilty about them knowing. I couldn't get her to to stay overnight at my house more then the one time even though she asked me to buy coffee for her to have in the mornings and I bought her a special cup to leave here to drink from.

She kept telling me that I was old and during one of our overnight trips she said she was worried I would be too old when our kid was 20. Then she said she worried if I could support her when we got married if she didn't want to work anymore. I have a very good job and home but that bothered me greatly. I had serious performance anxiety that night in bed and she yelled at me. This was not the first time she had criticized something I did in bed. She was extremely cold the next 2 times we were intimate after that before our break-up and I still feel embarrassed by this. She complained that my clothes made me look old and my hairstyle. She had to babysit for 6 days and suddenly I was getting zero texts a day because she was so stressed. I had to text her at night to see how her day was. We went to mini-golf and she started smashing the ball when she had a bad game. She says she does this when things go bad. She was cancelling some of our dates 10 minutes before she was supposed to arrive. There was an extremely strange incident where she texted me in the morning and said she was bringing me homemade meatballs and then she didn't show up. She said she got busy at work and would bring them the next day. The next day I had to message her in the afternoon to find out what was going on. I said my friend was coming over and she could bring them after 7 that night. She said sounds like a plan an she will let me know what time she was coming and then didn't show up again. I asked what happened and she said she didn't come because my friend was there. I was furious about this but said nothing as Christmas was approaching. I bought her Christmas presents and the first thing she said was that we were not supposed to buy presents for each other and now she had to go buy me something. She made me wait until boxing day to give the presents to her because she said she didn't want to have her parents watch her open them and she would look like a jerk in front of them since she had nothing for me. I gave her the presents on boxing day and it was the last time I ever saw her. I had been walking on egg shells the entire month terrified that I was losing the girl I had fell in love with as she was a completely different person and I blamed myself. I thought she was losing interest in me, and I worried she held a grudge towards me for ruining our night away together with my poor performance. However, we still had plans to go to Vegas, she told my co-workers at my Christmas party she would see them next year and she asked me to bring movies over to watch with her parents the night before I was discarded, etc. So there were signs of the woman I fell for, but they were sporadic. She said she was spending New Years Eve with her friend who was a single mom and it was a tradition and I didn't say anything.

3 days after Christmas I asked her if she wanted me to go to a dinner event with her or if she wanted to come over after and I didn't hear from her until 10:30 at night. She wrote that she would see me the next day at 3 and we could go wherever I wanted. After a month of anxiety and not speaking up, I couldn't take it anymore and wrote her that I would like her to take 30 seconds to tell me when we don't have plans or if she is not coming so that I can make alternate plans instead of her leaving me hanging on a tree. I asked if she knew this was hurtful or if she didn't care. I also asked her why she didn't want to spend New Year's with her boyfriend and why she didn't even bother to talk to me about it, thinking it was ok for me to just stay home while she did whatever she wanted. I said this was not normal and like high school dating. She wrote back that I was out of line for expecting to spend New Year's Eve with her after only 4 months. This made no sense to me as we did Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she ignored me when I asked if we had plans because I was pressuring her and she already told me I couldn't go to that dinner event with her. That was not true. She also said New Years Eve was a reunion with 5 friends that they did annually. That was not the story she said before. 30 minutes before our date the next day she broke up with me on text saying things wouldn't work out and she couldn't see me. No further explanation. I sent her multiple messages trying to explain my message was not as confrontational as she though and she was overreacting. The next day I got a message that said she was sad because she had love and a connection with me but I should find someone to treat me better than her. This made me more confused. I got the silent treatment for 3 more weeks and reopened my internet dating account reluctantly. Then one morning she reopened her profile with all new pictures and had changed her age wants to under 40, said family and friends were of the out most importance and she wanted someone who was passionate about their job or an entrepreneur. I felt like this was all directed at me to insult me. She clicked on my profile so I would know she was back online and I was so hurt that I cried all day because I had just wanted to talk to her about the message I sent. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I saw her profile. I just wanted the chance to talk to her in person one time before we started looking for other people. She wrote me one final message saying she wanted to help me move forward and proceeded to confuse me even worse. She said she had made it clear communication was over and then she said she had tried to write me several times but my new messages were causing her to panic and stay silent. So a contradiction in the same sentence. She said the text I sent was a red flag we wouldn't last in the long term but I needed to respect her not to tell me what the red flag was. She also made sure to say she didn't like having to write me the message because she does not like email and hates wasting timing on writing messages. I tried to tell her that I was completely loyal and in love with her and that is the opposite of a red flag for a long term relationship. Everything I read and people I talk to says she was the red flag for New Year's Eve but she made me the bad guy. The complaint about not leaving me hanging all day when one simple message to let me know her plans is just common courtesy. Instead I believe she has me painted as being controlling, needy and confrontational. There was nothing wrong with what I said in that text but she went into a rage for being criticized and cut my head off. I never heard from her again. I tried multiple times to explain the message to dead silence.

I have been dealing with the grief of missing her and the withdrawal of never seeing or speaking to her again when I was addicted to it. The shock of how sudden this occurred, the guilt of triggering it with that text and the total rejection and feeling like she didn't value me at all with a text break-up and silent treatment. I came across the covert narcissist literature, and read how they get like this from being put on a pedestal and overvalued at a young age by their parents which has been and continues to be her whole fairy tale life. How they smash things in competition when they get upset, the complete inability to deal with criticism, and of course the idealiization/love bombing, devaluation, and discard with no closure. However there are lots of BPD traits as well. I was only the fourth guy she had ever dated, if I can believe her, but the other 3 ex's were 8, 2 and 1 years, plus she requires STD tests and she was very nervous when we met since she had just started internet dating. So I believe that I was only her fourth, but I was her shortest relationship which feels like a failure, when in reality I know I'm lucky more time was not wasted. When she reopened her dating profile after she left me there was only a week left on her membership and she didn't renew so she is already gone from the dating site. She has long stretches of not dating which seems to not fit the covert narcissist profile, however, she is so desperate for strangers to talk to and like her and spends so much time with her family that I think she gets her need for attention from that and would rather not date until someone fits her perfect profile. As confused as I am over why she left me, having another man is the only thing I am sure was not the reason, as I spent Christmas with her family and she would never have reopened her internet profile for a week if she had someone else. It doesn't matter anymore, although I still feel jealous the next guy will get her love bombing attention while I suffered for a month before being thrown away.

The hardest thing to forget, and I'm sure it's the problem for most people here is how happy she was to be with me for a few months and then compare it to how easily it was for her to never talk to me again. One of the things I was concluding while ruminating after discard and before I found the literature on cluster B personalities is that the entire relationship was based on how she felt. She spent my birthday with me and texted me thank you for making her feel important to spend my birthday together. I told that one to my mom and she thought it was very odd. It's my birthday but she is talking about her feelings. I want to give her Christmas presents and she says not to bring them because of how she will feel opening them in front of her parents. No concern for how I feel on the holiday. I had just sat down at the table with and met her family for the first time at her work Christmas party and she wanted to change tables and go sit with her co-workers because they didn't have a full table and she thought they would be mad at her. This bothered me greatly as I was finally getting to know her family and she wanted to pick me up and go sit somewhere else with no consideration at all about how I felt. Her mom actually told her to stop that and we stayed where we were.

It's been 11 weeks now since this happened and I still can't get it out of my mind. I still miss her and have problems concentrating. She has cut me off completely and will not respond to any message. I lost 30 pounds from stress and depression. Sometimes I get the shakes because I just want to write her and ask how her day was and beg her for forgiveness again. I can't believe how she was able to stop talking to me so easily overnight. I treated her with love, respect and kindness everyday and she discarded me over one message. I am a type A, independent person and I can't believe how this has affected me. I have no interest in the things I used to love, I am anxious and nervous about everything now.

[Seekinganswers30]

Last post met the 2 page limit so starting a new thread, original post below. 

Mod Note:  Original thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335058.0;all

I am 44 and have never been married so I have dated many women. Most ended mutually and respectfully while a few ended due to an argument. My mind and all of my friends and family are extremely confused by how hard this break-up has hit me, especially since our relationship only lasted 4 months. I recently came across literature on BPD and NPD and my jaw dropped as it felt like I was reading my own story. I cannot even comprehend how much pain other members on here must have experienced in longer term relationships before being discarded but I am hoping that sharing my story will bring me feedback on how to heal from this experience.

I met this woman online in September. We connected immediately, she was an amazing communicator and I found her incredibly interesting. Over the next two-and-a-half months I found her to be the least selfish woman I had ever met and I fell in love with her quickly. She texted me 50 times a day. She brought me gifts every single time she came to see me which made me a little uncomfortable at first. Ice cream, pizza, thanksgiving dinner, etc. I got the flu during our first month together and she brought me medicine to work and orange juice. She told me things I had never heard before except in movies. She was so lucky to find me, where did i come from, she wanted to build a future with me, she asked if I wanted to have kids eventually. She insisted I get an STD test and I was fine with that. She told me she thought she was pregnant for a few days when she was away on a trip and when I asked if she was worried she said as calmly as can be that she was not and we would have dealt with it together. I honestly thought I was going to marry her eventually after that comment. I am 44 and she was 36 so this made me extremely happy that I had found someone to have a future and a family with before I got too old. There were a few things I found odd but I was by no means going to be judgmental. She had a lot of anxiety and was constantly unable to handle criticism. She went into a rage for an entire day because someone honked at her. She had a fight with her cousin at work and went on a 10 minute f-bomb rant when she came to see me and asked if we could find a hit man to kill him. I thought it was just an over the top joke but now I look back and see that it was narcissistic rage. She would talk to strangers anywhere she went and had this bizarre way of being unable to focus on more than one person. I would be completely ignored until she finished the conversation. When I introduced her to my mom she didn't even talk to me the entire hour because she was focused on my mom and wanted her approval. she told my mom she was skinny when my mom had gained a lot of weight recently and we found that comment strange.

Her family is very wealthy and she has just started working for their family business. They paid for her to not work for 14 years and live abroad while getting her PHD. She still lives at home and volunteers and goes to church because she says it makes her feel like a good person. When I first met her she was embarrassed to admit these things, but as month 3 began I started to see less of her as she just wanted to spend most of her weekends with her family. She scolded me in public on multiple occasions not to embarrass her, once all I did was ask where we going for breakfast in the hotel lobby and she yelled at me. I went with her and my mom to the grocery store and she was quiet and moody the whole time. When we came home she yelled at me in front of my mom because she didn't want any birthday cake and I asked her to have some. Suddenly everything was a contradiction and I began to become very confused. She didn't want chocolate anymore because she said she was fat even though she was extremely fit. The first time I gave her gifts she loved them. Then she told me randomly she didn't like getting gifts because she doesn't like most things people give her and she has to pretend. She was no longer a fan of texting and emails. She didn't like flowers anymore, she didn't like holding hands in public, she didn't like music, one night she didn't like movies because she should be spending her time saving the world and the next night she wanted to watch movies again. She only liked drinking shakes she made at home all of a sudden. I asked her if she would make me a watermelon shake twice and she ignored me completely even though she couldn't stop bringing me things in the beginning. She stayed overnight at my house only once and twice on overnight trips but lied to her parents all 3 times that she was with a friend because she felt guilty about them knowing. I couldn't get her to to stay overnight at my house more then the one time even though she asked me to buy coffee for her to have in the mornings and I bought her a special cup to leave here to drink from.

She kept telling me that I was old and during one of our overnight trips she said she was worried I would be too old when our kid was 20. Then she said she worried if I could support her when we got married if she didn't want to work anymore. I have a very good job and home but that bothered me greatly. I had serious performance anxiety that night in bed and she yelled at me. This was not the first time she had criticized something I did in bed. She was extremely cold the next 2 times we were intimate after that before our break-up and I still feel embarrassed by this. She complained that my clothes made me look old and my hairstyle. She had to babysit for 6 days and suddenly I was getting zero texts a day because she was so stressed. I had to text her at night to see how her day was. We went to mini-golf and she started smashing the ball when she had a bad game. She says she does this when things go bad. She was cancelling some of our dates 10 minutes before she was supposed to arrive. There was an extremely strange incident where she texted me in the morning and said she was bringing me homemade meatballs and then she didn't show up. She said she got busy at work and would bring them the next day. The next day I had to message her in the afternoon to find out what was going on. I said my friend was coming over and she could bring them after 7 that night. She said sounds like a plan an she will let me know what time she was coming and then didn't show up again. I asked what happened and she said she didn't come because my friend was there. I was furious about this but said nothing as Christmas was approaching. I bought her Christmas presents and the first thing she said was that we were not supposed to buy presents for each other and now she had to go buy me something. She made me wait until boxing day to give the presents to her because she said she didn't want to have her parents watch her open them and she would look like a jerk in front of them since she had nothing for me. I gave her the presents on boxing day and it was the last time I ever saw her. I had been walking on egg shells the entire month terrified that I was losing the girl I had fell in love with as she was a completely different person and I blamed myself. I thought she was losing interest in me, and I worried she held a grudge towards me for ruining our night away together with my poor performance. However, we still had plans to go to Vegas, she told my co-workers at my Christmas party she would see them next year and she asked me to bring movies over to watch with her parents the night before I was discarded, etc. So there were signs of the woman I fell for, but they were sporadic. She said she was spending New Years Eve with her friend who was a single mom and it was a tradition and I didn't say anything.

3 days after Christmas I asked her if she wanted me to go to a dinner event with her or if she wanted to come over after and I didn't hear from her until 10:30 at night. She wrote that she would see me the next day at 3 and we could go wherever I wanted. After a month of anxiety and not speaking up, I couldn't take it anymore and wrote her that I would like her to take 30 seconds to tell me when we don't have plans or if she is not coming so that I can make alternate plans instead of her leaving me hanging on a tree. I asked if she knew this was hurtful or if she didn't care. I also asked her why she didn't want to spend New Year's with her boyfriend and why she didn't even bother to talk to me about it, thinking it was ok for me to just stay home while she did whatever she wanted. I said this was not normal and like high school dating. She wrote back that I was out of line for expecting to spend New Year's Eve with her after only 4 months. This made no sense to me as we did Thanksgiving and Christmas. She said she ignored me when I asked if we had plans because I was pressuring her and she already told me I couldn't go to that dinner event with her. That was not true. She also said New Years Eve was a reunion with 5 friends that they did annually. That was not the story she said before. 30 minutes before our date the next day she broke up with me on text saying things wouldn't work out and she couldn't see me. No further explanation. I sent her multiple messages trying to explain my message was not as confrontational as she though and she was overreacting. The next day I got a message that said she was sad because she had love and a connection with me but I should find someone to treat me better than her. This made me more confused. I got the silent treatment for 3 more weeks and reopened my internet dating account reluctantly. Then one morning she reopened her profile with all new pictures and had changed her age wants to under 40, said family and friends were of the out most importance and she wanted someone who was passionate about their job or an entrepreneur. I felt like this was all directed at me to insult me. She clicked on my profile so I would know she was back online and I was so hurt that I cried all day because I had just wanted to talk to her about the message I sent. I almost had a nervous breakdown when I saw her profile. I just wanted the chance to talk to her in person one time before we started looking for other people. She wrote me one final message saying she wanted to help me move forward and proceeded to confuse me even worse. She said she had made it clear communication was over and then she said she had tried to write me several times but my new messages were causing her to panic and stay silent. So a contradiction in the same sentence. She said the text I sent was a red flag we wouldn't last in the long term but I needed to respect her not to tell me what the red flag was. She also made sure to say she didn't like having to write me the message because she does not like email and hates wasting timing on writing messages. I tried to tell her that I was completely loyal and in love with her and that is the opposite of a red flag for a long term relationship. Everything I read and people I talk to says she was the red flag for New Year's Eve but she made me the bad guy. The complaint about not leaving me hanging all day when one simple message to let me know her plans is just common courtesy. Instead I believe she has me painted as being controlling, needy and confrontational. There was nothing wrong with what I said in that text but she went into a rage for being criticized and cut my head off. I never heard from her again. I tried multiple times to explain the message to dead silence.

I have been dealing with the grief of missing her and the withdrawal of never seeing or speaking to her again when I was addicted to it. The shock of how sudden this occurred, the guilt of triggering it with that text and the total rejection and feeling like she didn't value me at all with a text break-up and silent treatment. I came across the covert narcissist literature, and read how they get like this from being put on a pedestal and overvalued at a young age by their parents which has been and continues to be her whole fairy tale life. How they smash things in competition when they get upset, the complete inability to deal with criticism, and of course the idealiization/love bombing, devaluation, and discard with no closure. However there are lots of BPD traits as well. I was only the fourth guy she had ever dated, if I can believe her, but the other 3 ex's were 8, 2 and 1 years, plus she requires STD tests and she was very nervous when we met since she had just started internet dating. So I believe that I was only her fourth, but I was her shortest relationship which feels like a failure, when in reality I know I'm lucky more time was not wasted. When she reopened her dating profile after she left me there was only a week left on her membership and she didn't renew so she is already gone from the dating site. She has long stretches of not dating which seems to not fit the covert narcissist profile, however, she is so desperate for strangers to talk to and like her and spends so much time with her family that I think she gets her need for attention from that and would rather not date until someone fits her perfect profile. As confused as I am over why she left me, having another man is the only thing I am sure was not the reason, as I spent Christmas with her family and she would never have reopened her internet profile for a week if she had someone else. It doesn't matter anymore, although I still feel jealous the next guy will get her love bombing attention while I suffered for a month before being thrown away.

The hardest thing to forget, and I'm sure it's the problem for most people here is how happy she was to be with me for a few months and then compare it to how easily it was for her to never talk to me again. One of the things I was concluding while ruminating after discard and before I found the literature on cluster B personalities is that the entire relationship was based on how she felt. She spent my birthday with me and texted me thank you for making her feel important to spend my birthday together. I told that one to my mom and she thought it was very odd. It's my birthday but she is talking about her feelings. I want to give her Christmas presents and she says not to bring them because of how she will feel opening them in front of her parents. No concern for how I feel on the holiday. I had just sat down at the table with and met her family for the first time at her work Christmas party and she wanted to change tables and go sit with her co-workers because they didn't have a full table and she thought they would be mad at her. This bothered me greatly as I was finally getting to know her family and she wanted to pick me up and go sit somewhere else with no consideration at all about how I felt. Her mom actually told her to stop that and we stayed where we were.

It's been 11 weeks now since this happened and I still can't get it out of my mind. I still miss her and have problems concentrating. She has cut me off completely and will not respond to any message. I lost 30 pounds from stress and depression. Sometimes I get the shakes because I just want to write her and ask how her day was and beg her for forgiveness again. I can't believe how she was able to stop talking to me so easily overnight. I treated her with love, respect and kindness everyday and she discarded me over one message. I am a type A, independent person and I can't believe how this has affected me. I have no interest in the things I used to love, I am anxious and nervous about everything now.

[Seekinganswers30]

Went to the gym with my friend for yoga and ran into the ex. She looked at me and looked away so I walked up and said hi how are you and she started screaming what are you doing here, don't talk to me, I'm calling the police, you're a stalker, this is my gym. So I calmly said I'm just saying hello and going to yoga. We spent Christmas together and I never saw you again, I'm not your enemy. And she jumped off the treadmill and went home. My friend said it was the craziest thing he had ever seen.
   
Re: the entire relationship was a game to her and I was unaware the whole time
« Reply #28 on: June 13, 2019, 09:40:23 PM »
   
Whelp!  She sure did lock onto that stalker line, didn’t she?  Shame is a “funny” thing, and she’s got it.  Best for you to ignore her existence if you ever see her anywhere again.  I’m glad you had a witness and were in a very public place.  The last thing you need is an RO getting in the way of your healing.

I hope you’re doing well and realize there are likely some interesting reasons her family paid her NOT to work for 14 years.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[gotbushels]

Seekinganswers30   

As a member on this board, I share supporting you through this time with the others.

As a former SO of a UexBPDgf, I relate to your story.

So I'm hoping for advice on the best way to get this overwhelming feeling of anxiety to pass.

A good way to get the anxiety and overwhelm to pass is to go through it. One way is by confronting the issues. Having done this myself, the anxiety starts to leave you. I think that facilitates your recovery along the structure provided here.

1.
I encourage you not to fear that word 'confrontation'. I think, your confronting issues looks like this. What was your response to this post?

2.
And what was your answer to this?

3. Do you adjunct your processing with a T? Many people find it useful even if they're not the one with the disorder.

I look forward to your sharing.    Enjoy your peace.

[Seekinganswers30]

    
#50
Less than 1 minute ago

Wanted to come on here and vent a little to help calm my emotions. Been having the urge for a week to text her again and just try to at least make her stop hating me. I think I now have a problem as I should be able to see that I want nothing to do with a toxic relationship. I even scored 4 out of 4 on signs your relationship is toxic article. I know I don't need her validation but it still bothers me that she left me for questioning her behaviour one time. There are so many stories out there of horrible men treating women terribly and they eventually leave but they put up with some nasty behaviour beforehand. Meanwhile I got dropped like a bag of potatoes for one minor criticism. I'm an accountant so I have that OCD like behaviour that I can fix things. My mind tells me she is ill, my friends and family actually scream at me that she is ill. I think now that she is more borderline than narcissistic. She told me things when she was drunk about having to break up first and pushing people away when they get close and needing to hurt someone worse if they hurt her that are dead on to the borderline research. There is not one person that thinks what she did to me was rational. Yet I still think I could fix it if she talked to me one time but I was never given the chance. I honestly now wouldn't even consider marrying her and jeopardizing my life but I would at least like to fix the hatred she holds for me and am horrified about the rage she had against me the last time calling me a stalker for simply saying hello to her in the gym.

[Gemsforeyes]

I am truly sorry that you’re still suffering so much.  I think it would be beneficial for you to go back and re-read the responses you’ve received to your previous posts.  There was some very solid advice and feedback given to you.

I understand that processing these feelings can take some time, and the only real way is through it.  You can only control your feelings.  You cannot control or change or “fix” your exGF’s feelings or opinion at this point.  And there is a likelihood that she spends little if any time speaking poorly of you.  With many pwBPD it does become out of sight out of mind rather quickly, sorry to say.

I really believe she has given you the closure you asked for when she texted you her explanation.  And you accepted that explanation at the time.  It doesn’t make you happy and you’d like to argue it, but none of us can dispute anyone’s reasons or feelings for breaking off with us.  It is what it is, and we’ve got to accept that.  Radical acceptance.

I understand you are venting, however...

I am afraid if you make any contact with her now, especially with her calling you a stalker on more than one occasion, the next person you will hear from will either be her father’s attorney or a police officer at your front door.  No matter how you WANT her to feel about you, you cannot change or improve her feelings by making contact.  You will make it worse - for yourself.  We have to respect people’s space, just as we need them to respect ours.

Finally, and this I’ve learned through experience... she is ill.  Not only are relationships difficult with pwNPD or BPD; but when those relationships end, There is no healthy closure with a disordered mind.  You have to grant that closure and peace to yourself.  You deserve that.

If you cannot do that alone, perhaps seek out the help of a therapist.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seekinganswers30]

Thank you once again for your response. You are right that the last message did give me some closure but my problem is that it was one sided and the things she said were not true. This is probably my personality problem, but I believe that I could have healed quickly if I had that conversation in person instead of her discarding me by text and then dropping these irrational comments on me months later followed by a don't talk to me again or I'll call the police on you threat. In a back and forth conversation when she said one of the main reasons she left is because I didn't watch the news I could have said why in the world would you not ask me that first before you leave? It took me one day to fix that problem. It was something I had already started doing after she left anyways because it gives more conversation topics and was a weakness of mine. What she did would be like me breaking up with a woman and telling her months later it was because she didn't watch Game of Thrones. That makes no sense at all.

She said she was sick of my bossy and whiny behaviour. I could have said I spoke up to you one time the entire time we were together asking for accountability for standing me up so that makes no sense. She probably would have come up with other times that I was mean to her in defense and they would have been lies. This would have helped me to hear, but I never got the chance. I never took her anywhere exciting. Yes I did and how about the 20 things I ashed her to go to that she said she didn't like or the other 100 things we had planed to do in the future? I know you can't fix other people but to have someone who told me I was amazing on a daily basis say they no longer were interested in me for these types of reasons and having no way to even explain to her my point of view is very hurtful.

A person can leave you for whatever reason as you said but my healing process was damaged significantly by not having a back and forth conversation with her. If I could say to her that her reasons don't make sense and can be fixed immediately I wanted to hear what she would say in return. If her response made even less sense then my cognitive dissonance and confusion can heal so much quicker as I could see firsthand there is no reasoning with her and I can't fix a relationship with someone who is lying to me and themselves. Right now because I didn't get to explain to her that her reasons are easily fixable it makes me think that this entire break-up could have been avoided with communication. I needed to be able to say this to her and then get her response which I'm predicting would have been new irrational thoughts to explain her actions. I know in my mind from research on BPD and NPD that I couldn't fix anything, but I still never got the chance to prove this to myself because of her refusal to speak to me just one time whether on the phone or in person. This kept me stuck and is still causing me doubts.

Do you have advice on these comments?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Seekinganswers-

I do want you to know that I feel your pain.  I truly do.

I don’t have much time right now because uBPDbf is here, but let me say just a little and I’ll get back with you when I can.

My relationship is almost 6 years now, and during the first 3.5 years I had no clue why this wonderful, talented man would suddenly turn from loving to HATING me in warp speed.  I cowered in his presence and lost my voice.  Completely.  Prior to meeting him I had come out of a 19-year emotionally abusive marriage.  I haven’t had a good run.

Anyway, in his unprovoked screaming rages, uBPDbf had broken up with me numerous times, and now blames his tenant, a vacation landlord, a U-haul trailer, my sister’s hatred of me, etc.  Not once has he EVER taken responsibility for our break-ups, which have ALWAYS been caused by his dysregulation.  He is becoming way more aware now and really trying.  I am in therapy and he will return to therapy in the fall.  WE are a different US.

Unless you REALLY understand and properly USE the communication tools, to pwBPD, when you point anything harmful about their words or behavior, they take it to mean they are ALL BAD.  So one bad behavior equals they are ALL BAD.  You obviously did NOT mean it that way, but that’s how she took it.  To pwBPD, Feelings equal Facts.  And there is nothing we can do about that until THEY decide on their own to change.  Mine saw a change in me and has very positively responded.

He now knows I am no longer afraid of anyone or anything.  And he knows that whatever “anger” I quietly held is gone.

I am so sorry.  What do you think?

Also, have you looked at the section on learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)?  That is invaluable when communicating with ALL people.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes 

[Cromwell]

   
Yet I still think I could fix it if she talked to me one time but I was never given the chance.

Hi Seekinganswers30

I read this as a typo based on the context in that you feel you could [have fixed] it?

I honestly now wouldn't even consider marrying her and jeopardizing my life but I would at least like to fix the hatred she holds for me and am horrified about the rage she had against me the last time calling me a stalker for simply saying hello to her in the gym.

I know their is no diagnosis here but you have voiced suspicions based on research, BPD and NPD are up there more veering towards Borderline, but there is no way to "prove" because lack of this last contact. At least there is suspicions here, if not for diagnosing a disorder but a matching up of traits. Can I just ask, how do you know that say for example she already was diagnosed (my ex was) that it would lead to closure? When you have this wish to fix stuff, such as salvage the relationship, now it is about fixing her post relationship hatred. Is it too far of a stretch to suggest that if she had BPD you would feel the need to fix this too?

I know you say you honestly would not go back due to it jeapordise your future. My advice here is experience based, it was disturbing to witness when I was painted black but I was grounded enough to see it as irrational, even though I did not understand all the psychiatry behind it, id labelled it as a lay person as best I could, actually the first time it happened I was driving at 90km/h and I just tried to let it pass over to deal with later.

Can I ask, how did this encounter come about in the gym? You say it is 5 months later, did you never see her before? did one of you recently join or something? One of you start going more regularly?

I was stalked during and post relationship, what I since learned from this support group are stories that forced me to reprioritise the question search and move towards keeping myself safe. Besides a deluge of phone calls, emails, being arrested on false charges, having restraining orders filed on baseless/loose terms. It concerns me when I hear the word "stalker" now brought up, this is not to scaremonger but when I think back to how much I underestimated just how "ill" my ex might be, if I had not already been convinced enough already.

Calling you a stalker could easily be seen another way: Projection. It is why I ask more about how you even saw her in the first place and how this might have happened. Far from being labelled as one, my advice is if I was in your situation I would do to keep myself from being stalked. Closure is known to be a tricky thing to achieve in relationships like this, but it works both ways, even if we are painted black, hated and vilified, that does not mean that a pwBPD is able to process that it really is ever 'over'.

[Seekinganswers30]

No she is definitely not stalking me. She has been going to that Goodlife since Aug. She can only go to that gym. I have had a membership since 1994 and I can go to any of the gyms. I normally go to the one near my work but have been going tot eh one she goes to for for 6 months since I started taking yoga classes. I ran into her twice in 6 months. The first time I said hello and she gave me this great big jolly heyyyyy and then turned nasty in a split second and hissed what are you doing here. I said going to yoga and walked away. It was the Jeckle and Hyde behaviour at the same instant. She couldn't help herself at first and went to that false social self she shows to everyone else then she realized that she hated me and changed instantaneously. The second time was a month after that and I figured she would do the same thing but this time she had a tantrum and started screaming stalker at me. Not good to see someone who said she loved me and intimate with me refusing to even let me say hello

[gizmo7247]

Hi Seekinganswers,

I'm sorry you went through that, it's illogical and you can't make sense of it. My ex-BPD had a lawyer contact me months after our last communication - accusing me of demanding $5k from her or I'd post naked pictures of her online.

I'm sure in my instance it was from her shame, and her inability to deal with it - so she had to "justify" the incredibly inhuman way in which she discarded me by demonizing me. It was so absurd and illogical that it made me realize she's really not well.

It hurt deeply and incredibly. I loved her with all my heart, to hear her accusations - I think what hurt the most was knowing she would ever think I could ever hurt her like that. And because I'd witnessed her so many times not lie, but believe her own lies, I knew she probably wasn't going into some lawyer making up false accusations. She probably truly believed them, as crazy and outlandish as they were. That's what hurt the most for me. I know she's in pain, and it's sad because I truly loved her - and she can't even recognize that she was truly loved, which is all she ever really wants.

But I can't change that. I'd encourage you to take a step back, as hard as it is - try to separate your emotions from the experience you had with her at the gym. Look at the craziness for what it is: craziness. You can't change that.

Do you deserve to be screamed at and called a stalker? Of course not. Her actions are indicative of who she is - not of you. See it for what it is. Don't you deserve better than to be treated like that? I know that's a hard question, it was incredibly hard for me - and it took me a long time to fully grasp it. But if there's anything I've learned from my ex-BPD, I can't change her or the delusions (honestly) she lives in...the only choice I have is whether or not to be a part of them.

[Seekinganswers30]

5 days ago my Eharmony matches came in and there she was. I had seen her 2 previous times on Match with 2 months intervals. In a way it was a positive to know that she was single during her birthday and had missed out on all the wonderful things I would have done for her if she had not left and that she has not been able to even get close to the 4 months we were together. I had been feeling bad about only lasting that amount of time. On the other hand the overwhelming rejection hit me again as she left me for giving her a very minor criticism without even considering giving me a 10 minute conversation or second chance and even after no success after me she still won't talk to me. So I sent her a message and said it was the summer and I just wanted to go somewhere fun with her and start fresh by trying to repair the bad feelings between us and having just one fun day together. She blocked me within a minute and it hurt.

Our first month together she told me every date that her 3 previous relationships started as friends and I'm her first internet boyfriend which makes her anxious and nervous. She wouldn't let me tell any co-workers we met off the internet at her Christmas party. Now she is on a dating site for a third time after me and has become an expert at internet dating. Makes me sad. I know with all my heart I could treat her better than any internet stranger but she thinks I'm not good enough.

The last thing that really bothered me is the description she wrote below of how honest and compassionate she is and the type of man she needs. I am exactly what she wrote yet still was discarded for giving her one complaint in 4 months. She lied to me and her parents on numerous occasions yet seems to be in complete denial. She refuses accountability, blames me and refuses to apologize for anything she does wrong whether it be with me, someone on the street honking at her or her cousin at work who she wanted to hire a hitman to kill yet she has high values? Telling someone you love them at Christmas and then 3 days later dumping them by text and refusing any phone or face to face conversation is as far from compassionate as a human being could be. I've lost 40 pounds now from this and don't know how to heal.

This is her description.:
I truly value genuinely good, kind, and honest people! I have been brought up on practicing these types of qualities my whole life and realize the growing importance of them even more every day! I feel these qualities further breed good morals, values, loyalty and really, a little bit of needed compassion for everyone. These qualities are the guiding principles to which I “try” to live my life everyday and therefore is something I really look to and admire in another person - so these qualities in someone else are a must for me! (Sorry, more than one quality but in a sense I feel they merge into one - just be a good person ;)

[gotbushels]

Some people lie.   When people who lie advertise themselves to be of good character, and we are the one who feels they behaved contrary to how they advertised themselves—then of course we're going to feel hurt.

You said you've dated a lot of women. Often people want to appear more than they are. A lot of people do it. The less self-assured people are about themselves, then—of course the greater their incentive to exaggerate the truth.

3. Do you adjunct your processing with a T? Many people find it useful even if they're not the one with the disorder.

Did you find an answer to this?

[Seekinganswers30]

Do you adjunct your processing with a T?
Sorry I don't understand that what means.

[gotbushels]

No worries.  

You seem to be processing your experience of the relationship.

T is the board abbreviation for therapist.

Do you use a therapist to assist your processing your experience of the relationship?

[40days_in_desert]

Seekinganswers30,

I was with my exUBPDw for 16.5 years all together. After she left I was accused of many things that weren't true. I did my best not to try and defend myself to those who shared with me what she said. I have been successful, for the most part, in not trying to defend myself when asked other than simply denying an allegation when necessary. I typically redirected the conversation by saying that I'd rather not talk about her and ask to be judged by my actions and not my words or the words of others.

Having said all of that, how I felt/feel when she said/says bad things about me over the past 4 years...
~ The first six months I felt like a horrible person but couldn't put my finger on anything specific. I saw a T and the slow process of understanding that I was in a toxic relationship started to appear. Not only did she have a problem but I had problems as well. Like self esteem issues and healthy conflict communication when I got frustrated when she was constantly late, didn't follow through on things and when I was already convicted in her mind of something I did not do. I would send her texts or try to talk to her when I picked our kids up from her house hoping that I would get answers to why she thought of me the way she did. Hoping that I would see that woman that loved and desired me not too long before. This just made things worse between us. *When I say late, I mean an hour or more 90% of the time an not following through on something for the 4th or 5th time. I rarely got frustrated or get frustrated when your average person is 15 minutes late from time to time or when someone forgets to do something that they committed to.*
~ The next year it still bothered me that she thought ill of me and had a strong desire for her to see the real me. It sank in that she never really knew me and that hurt just as bad. I would do nice things for her because I wanted to help but also wanted her to see that I'm not who she felt I was. I still tried talking to her but much less. I would get upset with myself because I thought that I should have been further along in the healing process. I had to be intentional in resisting the urges to contact her other than what was necessary. I had to be intentional in resisting the magical thinking that she would give me closure and consistently be the woman who said she loved me.  
~ The next year I started to see a pattern emerge in her where she would idealize and devalue me. The feelings were real at the time. It's hard to understand but important to accept that it is what it is. I found myself rising and falling a little with these cycles. I knew that I wasn't who she felt I was and knew that I wasn't a bad person but I liked when she was nice and got a little down when she devalued me. I was still a little hard on myself in where I was in the healing process but not as hard. I was still detaching. I no longer sought closure because I knew that I wouldn't understand if she did.
~ The next year I could almost predict when the idealization was about to start. Not due to specific time periods but her behaviors would start in a subtle way. When this happened, I would remind myself of the inevitable down slide of devaluation that was imminent. I started to be uncomfortable during the idealization phases because I knew what was to eventually come. I looked at my responses to her during idealization and noticed that I was nicer to her and engaging when she shared things going on in her life. I didn't want to be with her anymore but was more OK with having a cordial relationship since I had emotionally detached. I feel that me being nice and engaging in personal details encouraged the idealization. I eventually chose to keep conversations strictly to our children. I no longer wanted closure from her because I knew it would be a different answer depending on if she was idealizing me, devaluing me or somewhere in between.  
~ The last six months or so have been more peaceful for me. Not so much because she has changed but rather my reactions to her emotionally and how I communicate with her. When she starts being overly nice to me, I do my best to bring it back to neutral because that's where it works best between us.

I know this post is kind of long. I wanted to summarize my ordeal not that anyone else would progress the same way because each is a little different in some way. I've found that time is the most significant factor in healing. A good T and good/safe friends who will tell you the truth that you need to hear in a gentle loving way are essential. If anything, you can find those good/safe friends here on this site.

[Seekinganswers30]

Your comment about being late and not showing up caught my attention.  She was anywhere from 30 minutes, an hour, to 2 hours late one time when she came over to my house to visit. She cancelled on me twice 5 minutes before she was supposed to arrive then sent me a text later saying she hope I had a good night. The last week together she just didn't show up after making plans 3 times. And it was the third time when I finally had enough and spoke up for the first time only to hear excuses and blaming me. Then the next day she dumped me by text and refused to ever see me in person again to have a conversation. Everyone I know says just that alone, dumping me 3 days after Christmas with a text because I asked for accountability is a huge red sign that something is not right with her, sick, mental illness, cluster B, etc.

Is being late, and inconsiderate a common thing for a lot of people with BPD?

[Gemsforeyes]

My uBPDbf is generally early!

[40days_in_desert]

From what I understand being late is common with BPD. It's hard to put a finger on it as to why. Everyone is late for something at some point. Except my father...he's a former gunnery sergeant Marine. I have learned that compulsive tardiness is a form of selfishness. Whatever the reason, when someone is constantly late, it communicates that whatever they were doing that causes them to be late is more important than the commitments they make with you. Again, I'm not referring to the occasional late arrival. The ones who are compulsively late. My ex is late by at least an hour 80% of the time. That's why I choose to drop off/pick up our kids most of the time. To provide some consistency for me and our kids. My ex also cancels last minute most of the time with some excuse that she expects others to buy. You're not alone in that arena.

[Seekinganswers30]

I got a message today unexpectedly and I hope this should finally clear my mind of who I was dealing with. She accused me of gaslighting and lying and being verbally abusive and I have never been anything but polite asking for a conversation. She still keeps saying 3 months as well when it was 4 so very odd. Please see below and comment if you have time.

You need to stop texting/calling me and showing up at my gym I have given you plenty of indication that I am not at all (or never will be) interested in corresponding with you or seeing you again! You are stalking me and anyone I have consulted about you has suggested I report you to the police immediately. I have given you chance after chance to leave me alone and you will not so I am left with no other option but to take police action the next time I hear from you or see you at my gym or any other place for that matter. This is your last warning!

I should be able to stop in that above paragraph but you don’t seem to be respecting my simple wishes of leaving me alone! Your justification for things is completely inaccurate and fabricated and to the point of psychological manipulation (the professional term is called gaslighting)! Once again, You are taking the extremely short relationship (less than 3 months considering we were away most of November) we had and blowing every little thing that was said and done way out of proportion and in fact lying about many of those things! Stop focusing on my text that ended things as that was certainly not the reason I broke it off. You said it yourself that you recognize patterns and noticed a change and unhappiness in me in November. You were right, the signs were very clear as I wasn’t texting as much, I didn’t want to stay over at your house and became bored because there was no mutual interests! I’m sorry that I let it go another few weeks as again, the pressure and insistence from you was unbelievable thus making me feel bad!

Please know that there is absolutely no way I ever want to sit and talk to you or see you again. Im sorry this is harsh but you have not respected my wishes from January 2019 onward and in fact escalated them to the point of changing my opinion about who you are entirely! We have all felt this way about other people coming out of a relationship before and you need to find help if you cannot deal with this on your own (more help than the therapy you suggest you are in now). I have given you more explanation and understanding than you are owed and any three month relationship needed and feel that you are now to the point of being verbally abusive, a threat and stalker and causing great discomfort (which is also a form of abuse of power)! You keep saying you think I've had a bad experience with a man - never, they have all been nothing but respectful to me -you are that bad experience now!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear SA-  please know.  What I’m saying is intended to help you and from my heart.

I am really sorry it has come to this, but it has come to this. And it can no longer matter whether the relationship was 3 or 4 months, whether she broke up by text, or whether or not she has any traits of any personality disorder.

The only FACTS you have are that you’re still suffering the same painful feelings you were suffering in December when the relationship ended.  And you’re having a very difficult time escaping the rumination surrounding the relationship and its ending.  You have many friends here, and most likely in your personal life, who have been reaching out to you.

Relationships end.  And often they end without satisfactory closure or answers.  The other person gives us what they can, but we can’t keep pushing until we get what we want.  Someone is often left wondering, and with lots of “what if’s” and “if only’s”... but usually even those extra efforts  wouldn’t have helped.  If it was a one-sided relationship, there would be NOTHING we could have done better or different or softer or louder or more colorfully.  It’s just over.

So today is here.  You won’t get this day back.

It is time to take care of yourself.  To do what is needed to heal.  And others have carefully pointed out that she canNOT help you heal.  Please consider seeing a therapist.  Don’t you think your healing deserves even a bit of the time you’ve devoted to the rumination?  I know that wasn’t your intention... you were just trying to understand why... but “why” doesn’t matter anymore.

And a final point.  Today you are “free” from anything negative tied to your good name.  No restraining orders, no arrest warrants for stalking, harassment, etc.  You can move about, apply for a new professional position, meet a new woman and be unafraid that someone will uncover disturbing information on you.  If you persist in going to that gym for yoga or make further calls, send texts or emails, your life WILL look and feel different.  People WILL judge you.  This is your decision.

One.   How do you want your life to look?
Two.  How do you want to feel?
Three.  This IS up to you.

Please give this some thought.  Seven months is a long time to be replaying the exact same thoughts in your mind.  You don’t have to continue to feel like this.  Are you ready to feel better?

How does this sound to you?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seekinganswers30]

Thank you for your kind words. 2 questions for you since you have always been helpful to me. I have been going to that yoga for many months. Yes I said hi to her the 2 times I saw her but it is a public place and if I just go in and straight to my class without even looking at her can that get me in trouble still? I don't see how. I have just as much right to be there as she does as long as I ignore her. Second I have been taking the high road with her always and she is still lashing out at me with venom so I did write her the following response to get things off my chest. Was that wrong, my friends have actually wanted me to speak my mind one time for many months. After I wrote the message below she responded in 10 minutes and said I was a very sick individual who needs to get help. I'm pretty sure she can't pretend to be harrassed when she is writing me those messages as long as I don't write back which is what I did.

You just wrote me so I'm legally allowed to respond. The last message helped and this one is better, how can I hope to have a healthy closure talk with you when you keep twisting the truth?  There is no need for these threats because I've always been polite to you. I'm actually scared more of you because I have seen your rages and you saying you wanted to hire a hitman to kill your cousin. I've been fighting the cognitive dissonance you gave me for months trying to compare the perfect woman I met in the beginning to the abuse you put me through in the end. You are not a good person. I lost 40 pounds because I was not worth 10 minutes of your time for one conversation. I gave you nice Christmas presents and my mom thanks you for taking care of me and I never see you again? Who does that? You couldn't at least talk to me once on the phone instead of your cowardly text dumping? It takes a twisted person to intentionally hurt someone who loves them for no reason. You keep talking about losing interest but you told me you loved me at Christmas and continued making plans with me. Why would you do that? Why would you tell my co workers you will see them next year and go on about how great I am and then be gone in 2 weeks? Why make plans to Vegas on my birthday? You told me how lucky you were to find me and how much you missed me for three months, you idealized and love bombed me then I go to your work party and make you proud and the next time I see you I have been knocked off the pedestal and you are miserable and mean and yelling at me in front of my mom. I did nothing to cause this sudden devaluation. We also watched an entire movie naked together just before you discarded me so your comments are all contradictions. Interesting that you said gaslighing and calling me a liar but you can't give me any examples of when I did this. Same as your ridiculous fraud comment last message. This is classic narcissist projecting. You gaslighted me for a month. Telling me in the hot tub we almost had lots of fights but you are the better person. I had no idea what you were talking about and it hurt. Telling me you don't like flowers after I bought them for you twice and pointing out to win your heart you want chocolate strawberries. So I buy them for you and you yell at me on Christmas Eve for buying you a present because you didn't buy me one. Leaving me sitting at home for an entire weekend waiting for you to show up with meatballs because you texted me you were coming over and left me hanging for 2 days. Why would you do these things to me when all I wanted to do was make you happy?  Telling me we have this connection but you think I might not be able to support you when we get married if you don't want to work ten minutes before we had sex. These comments felt like you were stabbing me. But you have values and you are honest. Telling me not to bring your presents over at Christmas because you don't want to open in front of your parents. Constantly late, cancelling at the last minute. You didn't care about my feelings. Everyone has been telling me you are a monster and you are sick and I didn't want to believe it. Thank you for this text. I've known you were a compulsive liar, you can't even tell the truth about being together 4 months not 3 but I needed you to say something outrageous to clear the confusion you caused me. I've had a GoodLife membership a lot longer than you and you can't tell me where I can go if I stay away from you. I learned from your childish tantrum last time to not say hello anymore and I won't. Anyone can break up and that has never been the issue it was your contradictions that caused me such grief and why you would refuse one conversation. I know why you wouldn't give me the dignity of one conversation now.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear SA-

Okay.  So you sent the following response.  And then her response was that you’re sick and need to get help. 

Can you smile to me and yourself and your friends and your mom and leave it to the GODS of happiness and freedom? 

Please?

And if I were you (which I’m not) I would alter my exercise schedule and find another yoga spot until the escalation of emotion dies down.  Six months.  It makes no difference that the gym is a public place. 

Lots of people have ROs slapped on them in public places.  And the records will show that you didn’t begin attending yoga there until post breakup.  Those odds are NOT in your favor because she has repeatedly told you to stop contacting her.  Take the safe road.  I am asking you NOT to tempt fate.

You’ll be okay.

Have you considered reaching out to a therapist?  So MANY of our members do this, SA.  You are worth this effort.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seekinganswers30]

I did go to a therapist for a month but I found my friends more understanding. The therapist said my ex was sick, I'm lucky I dodged a bullet and just move on and find a new woman. Basically the same thing all 4 times I went. It's easier said than done. My friends know how strong I am and have never seen me brought to my knees like this so they have been better with understanding trauma bonds and intermittent reinforcement and idealization/devaluation.

Even my mom who met my ex twice and did not like her got mad at me months ago because she thinks the ex was no good to begin with so who cares that she is gone. She doesn't understand the addiction process from brain chemicals in these type of relationships. I wouldn't understand it either actually if I was a third party.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi SA-

When we go to a therapist, the goal is to help us move forward from the place where we’re STUCK, not necessarily to agree that our former lover is “sick”.  However a T is not going to fight an uphill battle if we’re not ready to face our own issues.  And Sure, we can get that understanding and thought validation from our friends and family.

If you’re honest with yourself, and you WANT to be, right?..  Do you really believe that your heart is healed and open enough to welcome a new woman yet?  If you were a new woman who read your posts from the last two weeks, would YOU say this man is heart and brain healthy and ready for a new love?

Perhaps that T was ill-equipped to assist you in moving forward.  Or perhaps that therapist thought you just wanted confirmation that your ex-gf was “sick”; and you were resistant and not yet ready to moving forward.  You were still looking for a conversation with your ex.  I feel that your healing journey hasn’t really begun because there’s been some denial and disbelief around the circumstances of the ending.  And please, SA, you know I care for you and your feelings around this painful situation. 

You’re ready now, correct.  It’s a different day.

I don’t believe our friends can help us with the ruminations.  They can commiserate, hold our beers for our tears, fuel our anger, but really redirect our thoughts toward healing?  I’m not so sure.

If on the other hand you have now come to the place of Radical Acceptance - it is what it is - and you can in fact really let this thing go and TRULY feel better, then maybe no therapy is needed.

Do what's best for you.  And the next person you meet.  If not, both of you will be cheated.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ecan]

Hello Seeekinganswers,

I truly feel your pain and the frustrating struggle to hang on to something that has devastated your whole since of reality.

Reading your communications reminds me of myself and the way your ex talks sounds just like how I imagine mine would. I think it would be word for word and with the same disconnection and that would hurt.

Whether it's 4 months (you) or 14 yrs (me) it doesn't seem to matter. For some reason I thought my issue of not being able to let go was from how long I knew her. I can see better from reading all the frustration and pain that your going through that it really must be something about us not them. With reading what you wrote back to your ex it dawned on me that our ex's still have power over us and why haven't we taken it back yet?

Do you see that?

It's interesting that you want to chance playing with fire with going to that gym. You are missing the fact you are dealing with someone who is looking for the right justification to harm you because you are causing her pain by not going away. In my experience when my ex had justification to cause me pain she really nailed me.

 I was told to not change my job because if I did she would win. I was told that by my fam,friends and a therapist at the time.(non of them understood the complexity of my attachment to her) I was the one who wanted to leave. At that time I was strong enough to take care of myself.
 For one I just deliver Pizza I can do that anywhere I didn't have to do it from that store even though I loved the people I worked with. For two being in that area reminded me of her and every now and then I had to drive by her house or see her. All very painful.The 20$ tips in that area was not worth it.. And of course no one who did the advising had to feel my pain now did they.

They were to concerned with principle.
I followed the advice and found out to late that standing my ground was the wrong thing for me to do. It did more damage to me than good.  She's moved and I am stuck there with all the memories and too messed up to even go to another store. Boy I sure did show her. Right? Principles are only good when practiced in a rational world with rational people. Your ex doesn't sound rational.

I really just wanted to tap in to say that someone out here is going through something similar as you regarding the irrational reality of not wanting to move forward. It's been 8 months since the final brake up and 3mths since being put into the black hole of no return. It's like a switch got flipped in me and I can't seem to put me first. It's insane for me to long for someone who said that they will move on. Insane.

Oh yah my ex broke up with me 2018 Christmas morning because on Christmas eve I called myself a fool for bugging her with texts. I said I was sorry because she probably was out with her mom,that's why she wasn't answering. Now that is a gift I won't forget ever. Of course later that day she wanted back and yes I did. My reality was already gone by then.


Take care and your not alone in this.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.

Part 2 is here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338420.msg13066323#msg13066323

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