She is now 3000 miles away and still trying to start fights.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

8 days ago she broke up with me and is most of the way to the west coast, yet I get a 3 am text this morning...   She is upset that I changed my facebook status to single.   It was not a public post so she had to be going through my "about section" to check. She felt like it proved "I never cared" because "I got over her so fast," and now she will "never win me back" etc...

I told her to stop criticizing me and take responsibility for breaking up with me. She turned it into the old, "you think you are above criticism" and "I hope someday you can be confident enough in yourself to not let those things effect you" shtick.  She told me I was messing with her emotions on a day she needed to drive.

I reminded her that she texted me to complain about me, and I wasn't going to be her remote punching bag. She acted superior again saying "I guess I made the right choice"
 and "the real problem is how you react."

This is actually right on schedule with her normal fights.  They happen every weekend, often at 3 am.  She chooses times when I have no mental capacity to be mindful.

I was trying to do limited contact, but I may need to do no contact.

[incognitoMe]

8 days ago she broke up with me and is most of the way to the west coast, yet I get a 3 am text this morning...   She is upset that I changed my facebook status to single.   It was not a public post so she had to be going through my "about section" to check. She felt like it proved "I never cared" because "I got over her so fast," and now she will "never win me back" etc...

I told her to stop criticizing me and take responsibility for breaking up with me. She turned it into the old, "you think you are above criticism" and "I hope someday you can be confident enough in yourself to not let those things effect you" shtick.  She told me I was messing with her emotions on a day she needed to drive.

I reminded her that she texted me to complain about me, and I wasn't going to be her remote punching bag. She acted superior again saying "I guess I made the right choice"
 and "the real problem is how you react."

This is actually right on schedule with her normal fights.  They happen every weekend, often at 3 am.  She chooses times when I have no mental capacity to be mindful.

I was trying to do limited contact, but I may need to do no contact.

[MeandThee29]

People who pick fights do that because it makes them feel like they have the upper hand. They feel in control and powerful. The reality is that people who pick fights are cutting others down, a situation that only hurts them in the long run.

You may want to consider just short, non-confrontational responses like "I'm not going to discuss this anymore." Or go no-contact. Some of us have to remain in contact at some level, and some do not.

[Turkish]

After my ex broke up with me the first time,  honestly, I was kind of relived. I sent goodbye messages to her two closest friends.  Then I got a text, "what? You're not going to fight for someone you love?" WT ? She broke up with me!

That was our first and only recycle, my choice. She wanted to feel needed and loved, even though she didn't feel so at the time which resulted in she breaking up.  PwBPD feel unlovable and worthless deep down. 

[incognitoMe]

I do feel relieved. I still feel that dull ache that is normal for a breakup, but every day it feels better, and I am more confident that my life is going to be better off without her.

I want her to get better, but I don't hold out any hope that she will ever be a functioning partner with the necessary compassion, empathy, and self control.   She plays too many obvious mind games that display her ability to be cruel for medicinal effect.   She has so little self-awareness that she seems to think others can't see her misguided motivations.

[Longterm]

After my ex broke up with me the first time,  honestly, I was kind of relived. I sent goodbye messages to her two closest friends.  Then I got a text, "what? You're not going to fight for someone you love?" WT ? She broke up with me! 


My ex did this. One day she woke me up early and said she was moving, taking the kids with her and I wasn't welcome. By the end of the week I had moved out. A few hours later she called and was upset, she said she was going to do something "stupid". Anyway we sorted it out and I asked her why she did what she did. Her reply: "I thought you'd fight for me"?

Incog, no kids, no ties and she is 3000 miles away. I would block delete and get on with your life.

[once removed]

I told her to stop criticizing me and take responsibility for breaking up with me. She turned it into the old, "you think you are above criticism" and "I hope someday you can be confident enough in yourself to not let those things effect you" shtick.  She told me I was messing with her emotions on a day she needed to drive.

I reminded her that she texted me to complain about me,

why the tit for tats and back and forths?

no judgment - i was the king of that in my own relationship.

wouldnt it be more peaceful not to fight fire with fire?

[incognitoMe]

why the tit for tats and back and forths?

no judgment - i was the king of that in my own relationship.

wouldnt it be more peaceful not to fight fire with fire?

Fair enough. You are right.  It was pointless to engage at all really. At 3 am I have less self control and I preferred to just vent at her at this point as it reminded me why I should not be sad she is gone.

While we were together I tried to use every technique I could, but she could see through them.  When I started trying to validate her she knew what I was doing, and would start attacking me for it. If I stayed calm she would say that my calmness proved I didn't care, and that I was only learning these techniques to manipulate her.  If I got flustered she would point out that I was not validating her like the books say I'm supposed to, and that I'm clearly trying to make her spiral because I wanted to feel powerful.  Projection.  I was the punching bag to make her feel powerful, and if fought fire with water, the fire would get bigger. She was a grease fire.

She ran circles around the couples counselor, arguing with her text book active listening and validation.

[once removed]

While we were together I tried to use every technique I could, but she could see through them.

a lot of us run into this problem. why? well, its awkward learning new ways of communicating, kind of like when you learn a new essay format, it feels very forced. and it does to the audience too. or often times we use them in a way to sort of "make the trouble go away". the key to the tools and the communication techniques is both sincerity and authenticity; using them in a natural way, that sounds like us.

i dont say that to monday morning quarterback. i say it because the tools will take you far, if not with her, with other relationships (of all kinds) in your future.

it reminded me why I should not be sad she is gone.

in my experience there is little point in fighting the sadness, or any of your feelings. i went through a spell where i believed something was wrong with me for missing my ex, for still loving her. but thats the way that grief works. i learned that if i could accept my feelings, i could work with them, process them. if you can do this, it will help keep you grounded.

the fact is that youre both sad the other is gone, even if you believe its for the best. youre both grieving. and it shows in the ways youre both venting the hurt.

so what happened here? it sounds like she took you changing your relationship status very personally - it was a trigger. the same thing happened to me actually, even though my ex broke up with me. it might seem silly to you and me, but its a big showy deal for some people, and people with bpd traits very much live in the moment, and overreact. and it sounds like it jerked your chain a bit.

not engaging was one option. she lashed out out of hurt, probably eventually would have calmed down, and felt silly or embarrassed.

She chooses times when I have no mental capacity to be mindful.

you do, though, with practice. you only need to be as mindful as "i should sit on this, and think about what, if anything, i will do at a later point". and maybe that later point comes, and maybe it doesnt.

the bottom line i think, is that you share children and are going to be in each others lives to some extent for some time. ideally, and if possible, you will want to be able to work as a team, who gets along, to whatever extent you can. so long as youre both rehashing the old relationship fights, you cant; and it doesnt help either of you in terms of resolution, closure, or grief.

[incognitoMe]

the bottom line i think, is that you share children and are going to be in each others lives to some extent for some time. .

I actually don't have any kids with her, so I luckily don't need to communicate with her unless I choose to continue, but you are right that these communication tools can help with other relationships.  I've thought a lot about that and how I can benefit from this negative experience by becoming more patient and communicative.

I also have PTSD from childhood abuse (which is why I related so much to her and wanted to save her). If I am woken up at 3 am by her ranting about how I don't love her and that she should hurt herself, I would generally be near or in a panic attack the second my eyes open.  I'm never going to be a person who can handle 3 am confrontations. Confrontations in general require me to use the training I have developed over the years.

I had only a couple panic attacks in the 5 years before meeting her and no longer met the PTSD criteria.  I got one or two panic attacks a week while living with her, and they always occurred from her late night early morning outbursts.  She would make fun of me when I got into panic attacks, and start attacking harder once she knew I was having one. I would be begging for her to stop.  I often had to leave the house, in the snow, in my pajamas to get away from her.  By the end I was starting to get nightmares about her arguing with me every night. I'm focused on finding a partner that will not expect that I excuse absurd and abusive behavior.  There are limits to what is healthy to train ourselves to endure.