First Post. Mild BPD? Or BPD traits in my girlfriend

[Forgiveness]

Hi, I'm new here.

I have been with my girlfriend a little over a year. While she has some classic BPD traits, they are not as severe as others I have read about. First I'll list what is going well.

* I love how effusive, compassionate, and loving she is. She really has a big heart and feels things deeply.

* When she is not triggered, she is a great listener.

* She's super fun. Her impulsive side which can get her into trouble also has a flip side of fun-seeking spontaneity. We often wake up and start dancing, or will decide to take half a day off and drive somewhere to see the beach. 

* She angers easily but she also laughs easily. All of her feelings are BIG, not just the negative ones.

* She is loyal. While her previous relationships were rocky, they lasted years. She never left anyone and never had an affair.

The hard part:
She will suddenly blow up over nothing, often because she misreads something I said. It usually doesn't last long but it happens about every other day. She then feels horrible and apologizes profusely, and thanks me for being so calm and gentle.

She has impulsivity around spending. Because we don't live together or share finances, this doesn't affect me but it concerns me and makes me hesitant to become more enmeshed in the future. She also drives like a maniac and honks a lot. So, emotional regulation is a problem.

She does not hit or throw things. She does yell.

A typical scenario:
We sit down to dinner. I say, look, this is pink Himalayan sea salt on the table. She says, don't you think I know that already? I say, yes of course you know that, and I smile. She says, why are you always condescending to me and lecturing me? I thought we were going to have a nice dinner, are you going to ruin it now? I say, look I don't care about the salt but I don't like to be yelled at. She says, oh it's all my fault now. Don't you think it's partly your fault too? Why is always my fault? At this point I will ask her to please look in my eyes and if she can, hold my hand. Often she can. I tell her I love her and that she's safe. She will slow down and tears start to show up. She says, I don't know what got into me. Thank you for being so gentle. Why are you still with me? And then apologizes profusely and wonders if I am going to leave her. If I can stay calm this whole thing lasts maybe 20 minutes and then we are on to another subject. Often she will contemplate what happened and realize that she is just stressed about work or something else.

So, while the episodes are short and nonviolent they are freaking weird and nonsensical.  They happen often. She does have insight into herself but still no control in the moment.

Often I feel very calm and untriggered, I feel the way I would feel if a toddler threw a tantrum, and I respond calmly. Other times I'm rattled and need a break.

I’m not taking it personally but it’s still alienating and I don't know whether the situation will get better or worse.

Other things:
My friends just love her. They do not see the mean side because she only snaps at me in private. They see that she’s super fun and smart.

Her friends love her too. They might see her as hot headed but it doesn't affect them. They see her snap at an Uber driver or a waitress but she is usually good with her friends and untriggered by them. She keeps friendships for many years.

So, she is high functioning. She's adorable, effusive, and compassionate. I am putting up with something difficult in the hopes that it will get better but I also want to be realistic— I don't think I can fix her.  She's been in therapy for years. I think her therapist has helped her manage her emotions although she has no diagnosis.

I don’t think the relationship has hurt my self esteem but sometimes it’s just exhausting. When she’s triggered I feel my adorable girlfriend has disappeared, and this retriggers my grief and loneliness.

It’s been a great year of love and passion with her, but it’s also scary and confusing.

My preference is to make this relationship work (thus my screen name). I want to be realistic though.

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[GaGrl]

Welcome, Forgiveness! This board is made up of people with similar experiences to yours, and they can be very helpful and supportive.

Has your girlfriend been diagnosed with BPD? Are either of you seeing a therapist?

You definitely have zeroed in on the emotional deregulation as a large part of BPD traits. What do you the most trouble dealing with or responding to?

[Forgiveness]

She is undiagnosed but I believe her therapist is helping her with her symptoms. Her therapist seems really good.

I started therapy when my wife died. I am grieving much less now so only going once a month.

Most trouble: Anger. It's brief but sudden and confusing.

[once removed]

A typical scenario:
We sit down to dinner. I say, look, this is pink Himalayan sea salt on the table. She says, don't you think I know that already? I say, yes of course you know that, and I smile. She says, why are you always condescending to me and lecturing me? I thought we were going to have a nice dinner, are you going to ruin it now? I say, look I don't care about the salt but I don't like to be yelled at. She says, oh it's all my fault now. Don't you think it's partly your fault too? Why is always my fault? At this point I will ask her to please look in my eyes and if she can, hold my hand.

this may be a style thing. she may not like to be told things she knows, or she may suspect theres an implication that she doesnt know. shes signaling as much.

so when she asks why you are "always" condescending and lecturing, its not necessarily fair to dismiss the complaint with "dont yell". try saving the "dont yell" for a better time, when shes more receptive. sometimes its better to listen and reflect at the time.

the hand holding approach may work when it works. but if you think about it, it sounds like she has a shame response. the move says, on some level, that shes being unreasonable.

what do you think?

[Forgiveness]

what do you think?

It's hard to know what to do. Sometimes if can get her to make eye contact she calms down and realizes I am not attacking or criticizing her but just offering information.  I try to smile and let her know I am present, but I won't engage in an argument.  This is tricky.

[GaGrl]

I think you have some good techniques going on that could work.

Not engaging in an argument is a good boundary. How do you extricate yourself most of the time, and have there been times you don't or can't extricate?

If the hand-holding could evoke shame, maybe there is another action that is a signal to her that she is escalating. Is this something you are comfortable discussing with her and asking what might work?

[once removed]

but I won't engage in an argument.

nor should you.

try just listening. has she made the same accusation ("condescending and lecturing") before?

[Forgiveness]

has she made the same accusation ("condescending and lecturing") before?

Many many times. I'm often not sure how to present simple facts, such as:

"That restaurant is now open Mondays"
"Yes you're right although the sign said they are just going to be open Mondays in the summer."
"Why are you lecturing me? I thought we were going to have a nice dinner. Are you going to ruin it?"

This might only last minutes, if I keep a happy tone and redirect the conversation. But I often still feel hurt inside. Even when I don't feel hurt and I feel very secure, it just gets tiring. Very much like dealing with a toddler who hasn't had a nap. You can be sweet and understanding, but it's tiring.

The strange thing is that she is aware of her overreactions and will apologize later. But in the moment, she can't help it. Sometimes she can, but it takes a great effort on her part.

[Forgiveness]

If the hand-holding could evoke shame

The hand holding was actually her idea. I used to ask her for a hug when she was triggered and she said it made her feel like running away. So I asked what would help her stay connected and she said "try holding my hand next time." Close but not suffocating.

It works.

[once removed]

Many many times. I'm often not sure how to present simple facts, such as:

"That restaurant is now open Mondays"
"Yes you're right although the sign said they are just going to be open Mondays in the summer."
"Why are you lecturing me? I thought we were going to have a nice dinner. Are you going to ruin it?"

people with bpd traits are hyper sensitive to tone and body language, as well as to any perceived criticism.

in this case, she makes an observation, you correct or amend it, she overreacts.

ive had that experience many times with many people - granted, without the overreaction, but it seems that it makes them feel that im arguing with them.

what about just letting her observation be her observation?

[Forgiveness]

Oh, her observation about the restaurant being open? Or about me ruining dinner?

If you mean the first one, I don't know how to do that and still have conversations. I never know what the trigger is going to be. I could say, "I'm going to miss you tonight" and she hears, "You shouldn't go out with your friends."  Suddenly she's defending her friends and I'm like, "Huh? I love your friends! Of course you should go with them. Have a great time, I just said I'm going to miss you, that's all!" It gets weird fast.

[Forgiveness]

Reading through this thread, I realize I wasn't looking for advice on how to talk to her. I just wanted to share. I've read through SET and radical acceptance and thought I (mostly) do this stuff already. I have a pretty calm demeanor.

Also I don't think my self esteem has been damaged although I do feel sad when she's triggered because my amazing gf has disappeared.

I often feel the way you would with a toddler who hasn't had a nap. They can throw a tantrum and you can soothe them or ignore them, knowing it will pass, but it's exhausting.

I know she has a milder form (if it even is BPD) than many cases on this board, so I'm often just wondering what my own limits are, how much do I want to take on.