I need support

[Carlile]

This is my first time ever doing anything like this but I know that I need to get support and understanding as this relationship is so unhealthy for me and its wearing me down physically and mentally. My husband of 5 years (second husband) has many of the attributes related with BPD and while he hasn't been diagnosed, I'm pretty certain that this is the case. My therapist thinks so as well. I just finished reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and it helped a lot to see that I wasn't alone in this type of relationship. My anxiety is worse than it has ever been because I never know what environment I'm going to walk into and I find myself scared each time I come home from work. I have two teenaged children from my first marriage and I'm afraid this is so hard for them as well. I love my husband and I am doing everything I can to make this work. I've tried to get him to go to therapy, we've tried couples therapy. Both instances were shot down by my husband after 1 visit. I don't want to lose hope. I feel like I am isolated from family and friends. I'm mentally exhausted. I just don't know what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Carlile! Welcome to the family!

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation but I'm glad you've found us. We get it. We've been there (or are still there). And we have a lot of tips and experience we can share if you'd like. Or, if you just need to vent, we can provide a willing (virtual) ear as well.

Your story is familiar to me and will be to many others here, as well. I can well remember feeling afraid to go home, unsure which husband was going to be there.

If you don't mind my asking, what are some of the behaviors he's exhibiting that lead you and your therapist to suspect BPD?

[Carlile]

Thank you for your response. I don't know if my husband has BPD or not but after reading books on the subject, I have found that it resonates deeply with me and it has helped me feel less alone. My husband had a very hard childhood filled with abuse and neglect. When he isn't showing signs of rage, he is so loving and attentive and wants to protect me. He often will say "promise that you will never leave me." "you are my only friend and I would die without you." He doesn't want to share me with anyone (even my kids). He has a very strong fear of abandonment. If I make a choice to go out with my family, I know that I will come home to him being upset or mad about something small (such as a light being left on) and I've learned there is nothing I can say that will appease him. He will lash out, slam doors, stop talking to me... and then usually the next day things go back to normal. I never want to bring it up because I'm scared when he acts that way. Sometimes it will just come out of the clear blue. I never know if I'm going to get Jeckle or Hyde. The verbal abuse is so bad. It often is when my kids are at my house because he gets frustrated if I can't give him all of my attention. It's hard for him because he didn't grow up in a loving family and while he enjoys my family in small doses, he gets anxiety when there are too many people around. I recognize that I have to change my behavior. In the past I apologize for anything and everything just so he stays calm. But I just can't do it anymore. The anger is like any I've never seen.

[Ozzie101]

Ultimately, whether or not he actually has BPD isn't that important. What matters is he's displaying symptoms. That's enough for you to be able to find some of the information on this site useful.

What you've written sounds VERY familiar to me, unfortunately.

My H is also very loving. He, too, has a fear of abandonment. Anything having to do with my family used to trigger a major dysregulation (though that has improved somewhat) and he was uncomfortable with the large, noisy group of them. And, like you, I used to apologize for everything. At first, it was because I believed that he was right -- it was all my fault. Then it was to placate him and keep the rage from escalating. But, in the end, that doesn't work.

I, too, was verbally abused and I know how painful that can be. Has he ever been physical with you? Do you have a therapist yourself?

Also, you say you recognize you have to change your behavior. What behavior do you think needs to change? Can you describe a recent blow-up, how it started, how you responded? Details can help us know how to point you in the right direction.

[Carlile]

Thank you. Just reading that and feeling validated helps. I have to say that when it initially started, I would say I'm sorry because I felt I must've done something wrong. I do see a therapist and have for years and she has been extremely helpful with helping me sort through all of this. It has only been verbal abuse but sometimes I wish it would get physical because then I would feel like I was justified to feel how I feel. The verbal abuse is so destructive and leaves me with feelings of unworthiness, or that I'm stupid. I am not a confrontational person at all. I want everyone to be happy - I'm the peacemaker. Because of this, I would listen to all of his screaming and raging and would let that negativity take me down. I've learned that instead of taking it all on in and feeling like I've done something wrong that I don't have to listen to it. No matter what I say, it's going to be the wrong thing. So, my hopes and dreams are that I can react by not indulging in that type of behavior. I need to stand up for myself more, but when I do that he says "So my feelings don't count. Fine. I'll stop sharing anything with you." I really don't know what to do because it will all come back to the fact that I've somehow done something wrong. The most recent blow up happened yesterday. I went to pick up my son and received several texts from my husband saying that my 15 year old daughter (from my first marriage) left her light on again. I said I'll talk to her about it again when I get home. And then he sent me five more texts telling me how she has no respect and he is justified to be upset when lights are left on. I didn't respond and a couple of minutes later he sent a text asking if I was okay because I had been gone too long (which wasn't the case. I was gone 10 minutes.) When I got inside the house, he was lying in our bed in a dark room. I asked if he was okay and he didn't answer. Then he laid into me saying that I always defend my kids and I never have his back and how he can't share his feelings. When he yells, I feel like I'm a child again and it automatically makes me feel scared. After he yelled for awhile, I went to another room to read. He didn't talk to me for a few hours and then acted normal after that. Other than my therapist, I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. My family is really struggling with the fact that I am still with him so I don't talk to them anymore. I do want to make this marriage work but I'm not sure what to do, or how to be anymore. Thank you for listening. It actually does feel better just to get it out and help me feel like I'm not all alone in this.

[once removed]

I've learned that instead of taking it all on in and feeling like I've done something wrong that I don't have to listen to it. No matter what I say, it's going to be the wrong thing. So, my hopes and dreams are that I can react by not indulging in that type of behavior. I need to stand up for myself more, but when I do that he says "So my feelings don't count. Fine. I'll stop sharing anything with you." I really don't know what to do because it will all come back to the fact that I've somehow done something wrong.

it does sound like he reaches a point of no return, so to speak. its important to learn to spot this - when the conversation has broken down, and is destructive. at that point, he needs to reach baseline in order for much of anything to constructive to occur.

these are storms, and they will occur as BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation. ideally we learn to weather them, in a way that works for us and is safe, and in good times and times of calm, we lead the relationship on an overall healthier trajectory, the storms become further between.

its not necessarily about standing up for yourself, if standing up for yourself means being combative or getting into it. it might mean learning when to take a time out, and how. it might mean, in another case, listening rather than reacting, and getting to whats driving the feelings (before things reach the point of no return).

on some level, lashing out is a dysfunctional way of getting the attention he feels is lacking. whether you over apologize, or if you get riled up, it achieves the same effect. the goal is to break this dynamic...to show that there are other, better ways, to get your attention.

[Ozzie101]

Well, the more you write, the more I'm nodding my head (except for the kids part -- I don't have any).   My H found a way to blame everything on me or on my family. It seemed like the slightest thing would set him off and he would rage and rant for hours. A few times, he did get violent by breaking things or blocking my path. Nothing more than that. But I can vividly remember telling my therapist that sometimes I just wish he would hit me. She told me that's the #1 thing she hears from victims of verbal abuse. And people who are victims of both frequently say that the physical is easier to handle. I'll tell you what my therapist told me: "It's understandable to think that way but you need to stop that right now. It can lead you to do something like instigate an incident to get it over with. You might think the first time will be something innocuous like a little shove or slap. The first time might be THE time. The only time."

Once makes some very good points. What do you think about the difference between standing up for yourself and doing what you need to do to lead the relationship in a healthier direction?

[Carlile]

Thank you both - I really do appreciate the thoughtful suggestions. I agree that me getting combative will only make things worse. I honestly think the best thing I can do in these situations is to listen and just deal with the yelling. It's really hard at times because so many of the rages are based on irrational thinking but I guess it must not be irrational to him. We used to have a system in place where we would take a time out and place the conversation on hold until a later time when we were both in a better state of mind. It would probably be a good idea to do that again.

[Ozzie101]

That's what makes my H's rages so frustrating to me -- they're irrational, or at least seem that way. But, you're right. To him, they're not at all. Feelings = facts. Things are very real and something that may seem insignificant to you can be life and death to a pwBPD. What you see as a minor sun burn can be, to him a third-degree burn requiring major skin grafts. When my H gets back to baseline, he's generally much more rational and reasonable. It's the emotions that get him all out-of-whack.

Your idea of a time out is a good one. That gives him time to come back down and for you to do the same. Then some sort of productive conversation can occur. Nothing good will come when he's dysregulating.

[once removed]

try this three minute lesson on ending conflict: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

what do you think?

[Carlile]

This is extremely helpful. Thank you!