I don't remember and I can't cry

[Zabava]

I remember certain incidents of violence and emotional abuse from my childhood, as well as some happy times, but I don't remember large chunks of childhood and adolescence.  Is this normal?  Should I try to remember and if so, how? 

Also,  I would love to hear from anyone who has tried to release grief through somatic therapies like Rolfing or Reiki.  Is it helpful?

[Kwamina]

Hi Zabava,

Not remembering large parts of your childhood and adolescence is something that has been described by several members, especially ones who have endured quite traumatic abuse. This could have been a way of your mind to protect yourself so you would be able to get through and survive. A coping mechanism in essence. Do you think this might be what is going on with you?

In the title of your post you also mention not being able to cry. What are you referring to exactly? Is this about any specific events?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Zabava]

Thanks Kwamina,

I do think maybe I am forgetting because the memories are so bad and yet because I can't remember I can't be sure.  I just wish I could take the snippets of memory and get a fuller picture.  Ultimately, I am afraid I am exaggerating.  My sister remembers more than I do and I wish I knew what the truth was. 

I had a problem with disassociation as a teenager and I think that is why I have lost so much time.  As I have been posting on this site, I am starting to realize that my mother was abusive emotionally and physically most of my childhood and it has been liberating.  But I still doubt my recollections.

I wish I had proof.

[Harri]

Hi Zab!  I see Parrot answered with good questions and wise comments as always.   

I had a lot of stuff I did not remember, and still have blank areas.  I too dissociated a lot.   Definitely makes things hazy.

As you heal and keep working, memories will surface.  For me, the more I pushed to remember, the more things stayed buried.  As long as you keep working on healing you will remember when you are ready to handle it.  Sometimes things return in a flood and sometimes little by little. 

But I still doubt my recollections.

Are you hoping more memories will help you with this? 

[Libra]

Hi Zabava,

I have nearly no memories from my childhood. My teens are a little better, though still not fully 'there'. I grew up with emotional abuse and emotional neglect, nothing physical. It is very hard to pinpoint or identify.
Checking something off with my mother is hopeless, she has altered the past to suit her and goes into full agressive denial when I try to verify something that might put her in a bad daylight. My brother has literally run away from his past. He once told me literally that his take on life was to only live in the now, that he sees no use in looking at the past.
It makes me feel paranoid. I question everything I remember and have no way of veryfying whether I remember correctly and whether I am making mountains out of molehills or not. I have stopped trying to look into the past and am focussing on my current issues and how to move forward, learn and grow.

I hope you will have more luck opening those doors to the past and cleaning out the cobwebs.



Libra.

[yamada]

Dont force anything...they will come when they are ready

[Zabava]

Thanks to everyone for your replies.  I have been reflecting on why I feel like I need justification for feeling sad or angry about the past.  I feel like I've been making progress (maybe?) and it is partly because I have been out of contact with my sister for a few months.  Now that we're back in touch, I am afraid of regressing.

Visits to my hometown are a real hotspot and summer is almost here.  Already the texts and phone calls have started asking when I am coming and are my husband and kids coming?  If I don't stay with my sister she is offended, if I do, my mother is offended, if I stay with my mother, my sister thinks I am betraying her and because of the tension (and the fact that neither space is comfortable for all 5 of us) my kids don't want to go.

The last time I went (last fall) we stayed in a rental and it was soo much better.  My mum was Ok with it but my sister was ballistic.

This is a very long winded way of saying I don't feel justified setting boundaries and I am scared of mum and sisted getting angry at me.  I guess I feel like having proof of both of their abusive behaviour would make me feel stronger.  I feel like a failure and a coward at the moment.