Now the Bloom is wearing off

[mb8596]

First off, I feel almost embarrassed to be talking about my relationship on this forum, when so many people here are living in such nightmarish circumstances. My situation really doesn't seem that bad at all. I've been reading many of the stories here though and I'm worried about the trajectory of this.

The story so far... We met 4 years ago. The connection was intense, sexual , emotional , intellectual, amazing! She is an incredible person and we fell in love enthusiastically. Within 6 months I had asked her to marry me and we've been married for 2 years now. Mostly our life is wonderful, caring , intimate and fulfilling. Our friends and family think we are the perfect couple. People put " Relationship goals!" next to photos of us on Facebook.

However, behind the scenes, when things went off the rails, they spun out of control fast and hard. I was completely unprepared for how scary it could get. A seemingly small discussion about our favourite movies could spin out of control and escalate out of all proportion. Within minutes she could be curled up on the bathroom floor with a razor in her hand, covered in blood from cutting herself. The Suicide Hotline got a lot of calls within the first year of the relationship. Nothing in my life had really prepared me for this ( I'm 50 years old and have had a previous 20 year marriage. )

It was obvious that something was badly wrong, so we went to get Couples Therapy. That transitioned into individual Therapy for her. She was eventually diagnosed with BPD. She has accepted this and is now on medication. This has helped a great deal. So far so good.

So things are a bit more rational now. I feel that I'm getting better at avoiding the triggers. We do still get into fights though . One recently got violent. This was entirely my fault. My frustration had built up for so long and I just wasn't aware of how toxic it had become. Emotional self awareness has never been my strong suit and I realise that I'd been bottling up and compressing my anger. No physical damage was done, but a great deal of psychological harm was. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm now in Therapy and my Therapist recommended this group and some books. From the little I've managed to read so far I've arrived at a much better understanding of BPD. I should have been reading about this much earlier. However as good as all this new knowledge is, I can't help but feel that it's all a bit hopeless.

The bad fight has forced some clarity. I'm now getting help.
We started audio recording our arguments recently, which forces us both to maintain our tempers. Nevertheless there's a distance how. There's a breakdown in trust. Our relationship isn't bad, we can still have fun, but I think we're both aware that something has been lost. I think that the initial enthusiasm of the new relationship got us over quite a few hurdles, cracks were papered over. I'm afraid now that we're going to get stuck in some dispiriting rut. I'm afraid that my life is now just tiptoeing around tripwires while trying to keep my frustration in check, with less and less to look forward to. I read some of the stories here of people who are really struggling to find any joy in their relationships at all and I worry that this is going to be me in a few years.

Thanks for reading this far. Thanks for this group.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Mzungusi  
Welcome to the group! It sounds like you both have done a great deal of work already, that's a wonderful fundament for going forward. And I think you'll fit right in here, there are so many different stories and I think many will connect with yours.

You have already put many things in place. You've managed self-harm with calls to the Suicide Hotline, your wife is in therapy, has accepted her diagnosis and is on medication. You are in therapy and have enough self awareness to see that you could improve your emotional self awareness  

Is your wife still self harming?

I'm afraid that my life is now just tiptoeing around tripwires while trying to keep my frustration in check, with less and less to look forward to.

You say you have read other stories, so you see this happening for many. That is true, and the reason many people come here. There are tools and tips we can share with you, though, that will help you with this.

One recently got violent.

If you feel comfortable sharing, what happened?

We're with you
Scarlet

[mb8596]

Hi , thanks for the reply.

My wife has managed to stop self harming and threatening suicide. She says that the medication has helped along with the regular therapy. So that's a big improvement.

A lot of our arguments seem to arise from me stepping over some line of hers. She's fiercely socially progressive and that's often where the spark originates. Though I don't disagree with any of what she says, there's a swift punishment for stepping off the strict orthodoxy. In addition I find that she often finds my tone problematic and this can spark anger from her. I've been trying to avoid these issues and moderate my tone for some time now, to avoid conflict. It's been hard and I find myself doing the dishes in a silent seething rage often.  I need to work out how to redirect the frustration.

Our arguments have on occasion gotten very shouty. Often I'm just screaming at her to leave me in peace. She won't back down, is unrelenting and very coherent in her anger. I am not, I find myself saying stupid things when I'm angry so I prefer to shut down before I say something hurtful. I find myself pushed into a corner and trying to disengage from the argument because it's become too angry, verbally abusive and I can't see any way out. The one occasion where I snapped wasn't even a particularly intense discussion, I just found myself running across the room and grabbing her by the throat. I think I was screaming at her to shut up or something. To be honest I don't remember very much, I was pretty far gone. I just remember wanting her to stop talking. I had her on the floor and I know that she bit me because it bled heavily. I let her go, we shouted a bit more and she threatened to call the Cops. I told her I didn't care, so she did. Within 10 minutes there were 5 police officers in our apartment. I was told that I had to leave the apartment, so I went for a walk for 3 hours. That was when I decided that I needed to get help.

We've talked about this at length since then and I'd say that we've come most of the way back to where we were. She's been pretty reasonable about this. She has a long history of abuse from her father and ex-partner so she's afraid that she's just attracted to abusive men, continuing the cycle. I want to prove that this isn't the case and that I'm not part of that , but I can't get away from what I did.

Thanks for your sympathetic ear.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you for being honest about what happened. Clearly things have gotten out of hand for you, but you've decided to reach out for help. That's brave.

Do you have a therapist for yourself?

I've been trying to avoid these issues and moderate my tone for some time now, to avoid conflict. It's been hard and I find myself doing the dishes in a silent seething rage often.  I need to work out how to redirect the frustration.

Learning to handle frustration before it erupts into rage is important work. An immediate technique that can help you is breathing. 4 seconds in, hold 4, 8 seconds out. Do this for a few minutes.

And there are thing you can do that will help you before it gets to this state you described. We have two techinques we talk about a lot here.
One is validation, which can help the way you communicate with her and make it go more smoothly.
The other is boundaries, which are to protect you, and which are not the same as limits/ulitmatums.

Is this something you have worked on in couples therapy or that you are familiar with already?