Right now he is on egg shells

[Perdita]

I wrote yesterday in another threat about how I saw that his ex gf's name was top of the list in his app software and that it means he had chatted with her within an hour before I saw it.  He, of course, constantly denies having contact and every time ends up trying to mind f*** me when I discover things like this.

Last night I said nothing about seeing her profile pic and her being right at the top.  He knows he screwed up though.  I also only found out last night that he has taken Friday off of work.  Needless to say, he had no plans of spending a beautiful day with me.  I was going to stay at home today and take care of the laundry etc.  Meaning HIS laundry.  Three baskets. Mine is so little and already done elsewhere. 

The whole morning he was on the phone making plans with this and that person.  When his breakfast plans fell through he suggested we stop for brunch somewhere.  I had already told him that I was not going to spend the day there after all.  That I was going to the old house (my family owned) and take care of things that need attention there.  Next thing he is standing there like an idiot with his laundry and wondering out loud if he should do it himself.  I didn't respond.  Then he said he will take it to the laundromat.  I said nothing.  I simply decided that he can shove his laundry.  I will spend my Friday washing, hanging out to dry, ironing, folding and hanging up his damn clothes while he is out and about all day enjoying the sunshine.

Last night he made it clear that he was looking forward to sex in the morning.  Yet this morning he didn't want to know.  Later he came to me and said that he didn't want sex for my sake because it might start my period!  I posted recently about how he treats me like crap when I have my period and makes a big scene about having to go without sex.  Today I simply and politely told him that it will start again at some point regardless and not to turn this into my fault.  He said nothing.  He was already stunned that I decided not to waste my day there.  He even told me "why not stay here?  I am going to be in and out all day long."  Like, really?  I must stay and watch him coming and going while I do his laundry?  F that.

He was actually sucking up to me. After I said no to brunch he suggested stopping somewhere at the end of the day for drinks.  I didn't commit to anything. 

I believe that he was hoping I would make a scene about seeing his ex in the chat app.  Now he doesn't know which way because his trick didn't work.  Also I left him with his laundry and turned down his consolation prize brunch offer after no one was available to meet him for breakfast.  He knows I have reason to be angry, but I am not showing emotion.  That seems to have him on egg shells for a change!

Meanwhile I am taking care of odds and ends at the old house, getting it into shape.

[WitzEndWife]

I am glad you took some time for yourself and you didn't do his laundry this time; however, I'm concerned that you were considering doing his laundry in the first place. Do you do his laundry often? Is this an expectation of his? Why can't he do his own laundry?

Seeing your posts, it seems like you do an awful lot for him. You say you don't want to "mother" him, but can you see how doing so much for him (even worrying about his problems that don't concern you) IS a form of mothering him?

BPD men love to play out the mommy-son dynamic because, being emotionally stunted, it's the only thing they know of love (as dysfunctional as that might be in their case). They don't know how to love in a mature way. Their format of love is NEED. It's our job, as nons, to teach them a different way by showing them a different way.

The less you can enable him and mother him, the more "adulting" he'll be able to do. The more you do for him, the less he does for himself, and the more you perpetuate the "mommy-son" dynamic. Quit playing the mom role, even if that means that he's going to do something that is going to end in a bad result.

For example, with the keys, quit worrying about him losing his keys. Don't give him your keys; tell him to figure it out. Yes, he will be angry because it's scary to be responsible for yourself and have to find solutions, but we've ALL had to do this. His whole life he's clearly been able to manipulate someone into doing things for him so that he doesn't have to. Expecting him to take care of himself is scary for him, but it is the ONLY way he is going to stop depending on you and taking you for granted.

He has no respect for you because you do whatever he wants. He is like a teenager with a mommy who caters to his every whim. You have to create your own boundaries if you want him to start treating you like a partner. The more you give in, the more you will be mommy; the less you give in, the more you will be seen as a person who deserves respect.

He will get angry and that's okay. Right now, he's wholly dependent on you for his emotional needs. He absolutely needs you more than you need him. If he gets angry and starts devaluing you, don't stick around to listen to it. You have the power to get some of your own strength back and shift the control dynamic. It is not easy. I did it. For the first years of our marriage, I enabled my husband by paying for all of his living expenses. Now, he works nearly full time. It took a while of letting go and refusing to pay for certain things, and making it clear to him that I was not a limitless piggy bank. He now at least takes some responsibility for finances; and while he still has a ways to go, believe me, it's a lot less stress than it was on me previously.

I avoid "mommying" by being validating of his emotions, but not trying to solve his problems. You can care, but you have to detach and not get too involved emotionally in things that have nothing to do with you. He will try to drag me into things and he will get very angry and sometimes very scary. I leave. I don't tolerate his scary behavior anymore. And, trust me, the less you stick around and deal with the scary behavior, the more at peace and in control you will feel. You have more control than you think you do. Just take a leap of faith. Figure out where your boundaries are and stick to your guns.

[formflier]

The bpdfamily part of me says don't do his laundry.  The "domestic FF" part of me applauds doing it, because I love doing laundry.  Especially when you get some really dirty stuff clean. 

From time to time my wife will try to stir the pot on laundry.  It used to get to me, rarely does anymore. 

Taking time for yourself is so important.  I'm sitting her enjoying the best cheese grits ever..

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I agree with not doing his laundry. If he wants sex, he can start to act like an adult. Sex is an adult activity.

The more you act like his mommy, the more you enable this behavior. I fell into this to keep the peace in the family. Over time, it changed how I felt about domestic work, and sex. I see work in the home as a necessity whether I liked it or not, but what I was doing was out of fear and enabling.

I think you want a relationship with an adult, not to be a mommy to an adult man who is acting like a teen ager. So don't treat him like one.

You can also have boundaries about what you want in a relationship. Boundaries are about you though, not changing him. If you want a relationship with trust and fidelity, and he continues to chat with exes then you need to either accept that he is who he is, or decide this is a deal breaker for you and end the relationship. It's important to not establish a boundary that you can not uphold. If you say no more chatting, it seems he can do this but still hide it. I don't think this is something you can control. With the kind of media we have access to today, anyone can do this if they wanted to.

And FF, you can come over and do some laundry. I have plenty ! But my H does his own and I'm glad about that.

[formflier]

  then you need to either accept that he is who he is, or decide this is a deal breaker for you and end the relationship. 

I agree.  I'm not seeing middle ground here.  Either choice is fine, as long as it reflects your values and you are comfortable with it.

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

BPD men use sex as a soothing activity.  Since they cannot self regulate, they use sex to calm them down for a short period of time.  I imagine it is comforting for BPDs to feel physical closeness, like an infant with a mother, and BPDs are essentially emotionally infants.