Advice : What did you do to help w/ detaching, growing, self worth/esteem?

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Hi All,

I've been on here for a few months now. Learning a lot. Growing. Doing what I need to do. It's been a little over 4 months since my ex split up with me. Feeling a little stuck. Anyone who's "been there" or is there right now have any good advice? What did you do to help with detaching, growing, self worth / esteem, etc?

[totheflow]

Hi All,

I've been on here for a few months now. Learning a lot. Growing. Doing what I need to do. It's been a little over 4 months since my ex split up with me. Feeling a little stuck. Anyone who's "been there" or is there right now have any good advice? What did you do to help with detaching, growing, self worth / esteem, etc?

[once removed]

what do you feel stuck with?

[totheflow]

Hmm... I guess stuck with thinking about the past, thinking about her, moving past it and letting it go, feeling good about myself. Stuff like that.

Felt like I was growing a lot in the beginning and was really feeling good. Something happened and that seemed to pause as of recent. 

[once removed]

that makes sense. i think speed bumps come with recovery.

so, are you:

trying to think about her less?
trying to process your thoughts?
trying to boost self esteem?
trying to continue your growth?

all of the above? 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi totheflow,

Something happened and that seemed to pause as of recent

Did something specific happened or is it more in the sense of you started to feel more stuck?


You ask a good question. I'm in a similar place as you. I join Once Removed in saying that getting down to what keeps me feeling stuck is helping. Posting here has been really helpful for that. Things have popped up or other members have pointed out things that I hadn't realised myself.

I understand you have already put in a lot of work. What specifically have you done that has helped you so far?

[OutOfEgypt]

For me, it's been a combination of...

• Therapy - I went to a counselor for about 4 years that really helped me, both during the final few years of my marriage and through getting remarried.
• Actively building a new life - One day at a time, one step at a time, building new relationships, progressing in my career, eventually meeting someone I got married to, building relationships with the kids, etc.  All those small steps and little blocks of accomplishment add up.
• Time - the chronological distance between when those things happened and where I am today helps a lot. I tell my wife that it's like an eerie bad dream, a distant memory of a life that I cannot believe sometimes was mine.  I know it happened to me, but in a lot of ways it feels like another life.
• God's grace - I would not be where I am today without His grace, for sure.

There's a sense in which I'm not "over it", either.  I still have some healing to go through.  I may never fully heal in the sense of being "back to normal" or "how I was before", but would I want to be?  I look at who I was before, and while I have compassion on the person I was, I was also much more naive about many things.  There's wisdom that comes through this.

I think there can be a danger in expecting too much, too.  Part of the make-up of many of us is insecurity or "low self-esteem."  The problem with this is that insecurity is very perfectionistic.  We condemn ourselves for not being "stronger," not feeling better about ourselves (even though we would have compassion on the same things when seen in others), which is pretty counter-productive.  So I still get insecure about things, and I probably will til the day I die, but I'm learning that this is part of who I am as a flawed person who needs God's grace.  I can live with that, and I should be able to -that's a big step to realize.

[OutOfEgypt]

one more thing...

I don't know if you struggle with this, but it seems pretty common that we have a hard time moving forward because of a lack of closure.  I wonder how much this is an artifact of the toxic relationship itself, a remnant of our enmeshment - we expect them to grant us release, to grant us closure.  Maybe we want them to say to us "It really was me, not you" or "I'm just sick, I really did love you" or "I don't blame you and I hope you have a great life."  But 99.9% of the time that stuff is really only for make-believe love stories in movies.

Part of moving ahead is giving yourself permission to create your own closure, and then actually closing the door yourself, not asking for permission, not seeking their reassurance with it.

[totheflow]

So, I know it takes time and things don't happen over night. I think I'm doing everything I need to be doing. I'm learning to be more compassionate with myself. Just wondering what has worked for others in the past. I guess it's only been 4 months so I do think I'm doing pretty well.

All of the above once removed. It's hard to even understand what I'm feeling at times.

Scarlet Phoenix, nothing specific happened. Just been doing things on my own that we did together last summer. For example, went to a festival we went to together last summer which reminded me of her. Went to Tahoe to see friends which we did together last summer as well. We had plans to do some fun trips this summer, so maybe those are bringing up memories and emotions.

Yes, I have been putting in my work:

- I've been reading (currently reading human magnet syndrome)
- Seeing a great therapist for a few months now
- Gym daily
- Eating well
- Mediation / yoga
- Learning compassion for myself
- Working on self esteem
- Breath work

It just seems hard to detach and let it go. I get stuck on thinking about the whole thing. Good and bad times. Maybe it just takes more time. I think I'm very hard on myself still, but I'm learning.

OutofEgypt, thanks for responding. I was hoping you would. You posted in the thread I started about forgiving myself and I found it very helpful.

[Leonis]

What did you do to help with detaching, growing, self worth / esteem, etc?

I have not had any face-to-face interactions with my ex since early 2017. The last time I saw her was in court early 2018.

I have been focusing on other stuff in life, like getting to know more about finances (i.e. investments, stocks). I have not got back to the exercise level I did before I broke up, but still kept up with it.

I blog and do some open source projects with peeps.

Having a child with my ex does force us to send emails to each other, even if we don't always reply to each other.

I can tell you that I still think about her, even dream about her, at times. But, I know she's bad news. The sad part is, I know I might not be withstand the temptation of succumbing to her allure should her stand before me again.

[totheflow]

Thanks, Leonis. Sounds like time is something that will play a big part in this. Guess it sometimes just takes a little time.

Out out Egypt, it's interesting that you mention if they would only "grant us release" the closure would be helpful to allow us to move on. I was just thinking that recently. I know it will never happen and I need to give that to myself, but yeah that would be a lot easier. I think if they would own their stuff it would make the process easier. It's kind of left up to us to dig through all the BS now.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again, it'll take time for sure. Often more time than with break ups with 'nons' (non-BPD people). It'a a particular bond that is formed with the idealisation, the incredible intensity, the back and forth between 'punishment' and 'positive attention'. They are often harder to leave behind than other relationship bonds.

You are doing all the right things. Just keep plugging, and allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel. Have you read about the 10 Beliefs that can get you stuck? Maybe there's something there to ponder.

[OutOfEgypt]

Scarlet Phoenix, that "10 Beliefs" article should be required reading on this board.  So good!

[Longterm]

- I've been reading (currently reading human magnet syndrome)
- Seeing a great therapist for a few months now
- Gym daily 
- Eating well 
- Mediation / yoga
- Learning compassion for myself
- Working on self esteem 
- Breath work 

I would say try not to be so hard on yourself, look at the list you wrote, it's sounds like you are making great progress, well done.

I think the first time you do things that you used to do with the ex does cause a lot of memories/emotions to come to the surface.
It will take time, a lot of time.

[totheflow]

Yes, I've definitely read, printed, highlighted, underlined, and read again, 10 beliefs that can get you stuck. Very helpful. Maybe I will read through it again tonight.

Thanks for the support all.

[once removed]

well, goodness. thinking back, at 4 months, i was still a complete mess.

when we breakup, we all have a narrative of what happened, and how the relationship broke down. in my experience, one of the keys to my recovery was, from time to time, revisiting my narrative, challenging and expanding my perspective. the way i see things now is very different than how i saw them at the time. that took a lot of work, new experience, and perspective.

time will dull the pain. it wont heal the wounds. if it did, our exes would be healed.

[totheflow]

Good point, once removed. Slowly starting to see and feel things differently than a few months ago. I guess we need to make sure we do the work, but that doesn't mean it won't take time. 

[Leonis]

well, goodness. thinking back, at 4 months, i was still a complete mess.

It's been over 3 years for me and I'm still a mess.