Fiinding solutions xmas in June.,holding boundaries

[nomodrama]

Random June Christmas talk but someone reminded me when they mentioned the holidays being hard. Last two Christmas I did not travel to my FOO or in laws, I made a conscious choice and effort to stay home in OR and learn how to celebrate Christmas with my husband, dogs and family of choice (the friends whom I love). I gave the little kids in my life great niece n nephew and friend's kids with gifts that I would have loved to get as if I was buying for my inner child imaging my Great Auntie giving  me something really cool!
I decorated my tree and house and made sweet pine Christmas flower arrangements for friends.
I bought myself exactly what I would want to get under the tree.
I lowered my expectation that someone else was to make Christnas special for me and I found the spirit from inside myself.

The holidays can be what you make it and myself, I just tried to fight that holiday blues and disappointment by doing nice things for others and my inner child, took the pressure off of waiting for a sad episode or bummer feeling after holidays let down .

I have been trying hard with self care and maintaining my boundries. Retraining my brain to remember to stay in my own business. I'm LC with my pwBPD sister, she called with the latest drama between her, my bro and the facility moms in hospice at. Mom got a pressure wound on her face because the caregiver left the bed controller in her bed. She has terminal stage 7 demensia and goes into deep sleep, only takes 10 min for skin to tear. I made sure with the hospice RN and director it was not going to happen again, they secured it to the foot of the bed.
I listened to my sister rage about it, i didnt JADE tried to be compassionate, it is what it is, there is only so much we can control with the elder care issues.
Sister kept saying it's not right. Told me about her "come to Jesus meeting" with the facility director whatever stupidness that was. She wanted the gcaregiver fired.
I agreed she should have called the ombudsman  and so on.
I said I have to go and we said goodbye. I knew from my niece there was text fighting going on with my siblings, sister said "And you wanna  know what else pisses me off?"
I said no I dont, is it about mom? and she said no it's about our brother, I said no I dont wanna talk about it.." oh ok"
I knew she didnt like that.
And i said bye, love you. She just said bye.
I churned it in my head all night but this is me holding a boundary, no more triangulation. . Everytime she calls it's to vent and I'm done being an emotional punching bag for her.
She cant say I love you to me at the end of our calls when I'm not doing or saying eveything she wants. In this case listening to what pisses her off about our brother.

I'm ok, shes the one who's sick and pissed off all the time, fighting with reality and everyone around her.
Of course I'm sad, mad and all that about moms dying and how it sucks,, but fighting about it is not helping with a solution or anything else.
Be part of the solution and not part of the problem.
Just wanted to type it out and vent on you all
Seriously though I feel so much better knowing I'm not addicted to and participating in the bpd drama anymore!

[GaGrl]

Have you just felt the stress roll off? I've heard a number of people say it does!

One thing about the Christmas situation...something I've always been grateful to my dad's family was that our tradition was that, once married, Christmas was focused on your nuclear family with no expectations that you had to pack up the kids and travel to grandparents. If local, our extended family got together for a big family dinner, but those family members who lived out of town were not expected to travel.

My step-grandmother was uBPD/NPD, so that probably saved my mom. She was super-stressed every time we visited my grandparents for more than 48 hours.

Do you feel you are building a good, new family tradition?

[No-One]

Nomodrama:
Good job with setting your boundary! 

Sorry about the issues with your mom.  There are lots of difficulties with end-of-life care.  Pressure sores are hard to prevent with bedridden patients, even in the best of circumstances.  Sadly,  the standard/approved employee to patient ratio in all care facilities makes it almost impossible to not have issues.  Even if you had a personal 24/7 nurse's aid sitting by her,  problems are still possible.

[nomodrama]

GaGrl, I am feeling like I'm building good  xmas traditions in my own nuclear family even if that it just with me and myself. I try to be grateful for what I do have. Try to focus on what matters especially love.
I'm still holding hope that one day my pwBPD sister and i can be friends, shes 13 1/2 yrs older than me I dont want regrets if she dies during a time we are on bad terms but I'm also trying to move on in case it doesnt ever get to that place.  I'm trying to protect my own saniety and health through our family crisis right now.
I do feel like a stress is lifted especially by not caring what she thinks. Shes gonna make up stuff to bash me about regardless.
LC and not engaging takes her fuel away. Even not engaging can give her fuel she already bashes my bro about the # of times he visits mom so me not going since Jan is probably being grabbed about. I live out of state I want to visit by plane 7 times in 8 months, found her facility, helped move her, cleaned her house out. I feel like I did my part, not gonna try to prove squat to her.
No One,
the.elder care end of life issues for the last 13 months gave been horrible esp with pwBPD sister threting suicide same time.
I really never expected any drama like what's been going on, making me a stronger person though, I have self awareness and I'm not gonna let this ruin my life just finding ways to deal. This message board and its tools has REALLY helped me thank you all!

[GaGrl]

End of life care is so difficult to navigate through...I feel for all of you.

My father wanted to go home so bad after hospital, rehab, then hospital again. I wondered why they did not send him straight into home hospice care, but he didn't meet the criteria (was still eating g like a horse!). Then a couple weeks later, they gently moved him from home care to hospice. Those home hospice nurses are angels -- but some situations are such that home hospice just isn't even an option.

Just an idea for your nieces and nephews...I buy our granddaughter a special ornament each, so when she has her own home, she has a start on decorating a tree.

[podsnapG]

I can relate! Sorry you are also going through the sadness of a parent in hospice along with unnecessary BPD sibling drama. Thanks for sharing nomodrama. The way you held your boundaries with your sister is inspiring. LC and holding boundaries with disordered SIL & bro is still uncomfortable for me, but must learn to tolerate the discomfort of the moment. After that feeling fades there is a great sense of freedom and relief. I too am trying to keep the focus on my mom. I loved your response to your sister’s question - “no, I don’t. Is it about mom?” And ending the call with “bye, love you”. It is reassuring to know you can love them and not play the game.

Contemplating a Christmas free of obligation (and outside of the triangle,) actually makes me look forward to the holidays

[RavenWatcher]

Re: Christmas traditions. I think it is great you are building your own traditions and changing cycles. My family did that for the first time last year and while strange to have our bpd person not there, a new venue, new activities, and re-centering around our youngest generation was perfect.

Something we used to do in my family growing up with our (possibly narcissistic) grandfather was have Christmas on our own, celebrate in a way that was happier and healthier, and then meet with grandpa at a neutral location a month or so after Christmas. Just throwing it out there in case you do want to see your FOO or InLaws, but just not at Christmas itself.

And it sounds like the boundary setting is really working for you, which is so great to read!

[No-One]

The.elder care end of life issues for the last 13 months gave been horrible esp with pwBPD sister threatening suicide same time.
I really never expected any drama like what's been going on, making me a stronger person though, I have self awareness and I'm not gonna let this ruin my life just finding ways to deal.

Hang in there Nomodrama:
There is likely more drama around the corner.  I found that estate matters can pose a lot of challenges.  I think you said your brother has POA, so thinking he is likely the one designated to oversee your mom's estate.  Hopefully, it's not a complicated trust or will to manage, but anticipate attempts at triangulation down the road.

Stay strong.  Things should get less complicated for you, once the estate is settled.  Just be glad you aren't the one to manage the will or trust.

[nomodrama]

GaGrl, Special ornaments are perfect! You can't throw those away or easily forget like some toys.

podsanpG- I did get presented the perfect position to hold my boundary, she asked me if I wanted to hear it  "yum...NO" LOL to myself but not really right away cuz I still felt bad not pleasing her. It took a few days for me to get that relief feeling.

No-One - thank you for your advice. I am not looking forward to more money estate arguments. Mom has her Will all set, POA brother has to follow it and all her stuff is gone except items she spelled-out like jewelry but already been some requests to trade my grandmas necklace by my pwBPD sister to her daughter which I thought was super distasteful. Niece wore it to her wedding so how could I say no on the spot.

Sister called me again today cuz hospice nurse told her its in God's hands now, mom is not eating so pwBPD sister was wanting to know if I want to have a Skype or IM call to say goodbye and also set the date from our mom's memorial service for less than 3 weeks away when Mom is still alive. wow. I just said let's talk about it after she is gone. Sister said "I just want to be ready and plan in advance, I am having knee surgery in Aug and the restaurant we decided on doesn't have an elevator".  I said we can change the venue in that case becuase no one cares where we have it. It's really bizarre to me. I am chalking it up to people all handle death differently. Good positive note tho there was no real nastiness in our short conversation.

[Harri]

Hi.

Thanks for the update.  It sounds like it went fairly well.

I am sorry to hear about your mom though.  Do you want to have a chance to say goodbye to your mom or do you feel like you have already said everything you wanted to say?   

[No-One]

Sister was wanting to set the date for our mom's memorial service for less than 3 weeks away when Mom is still alive. wow. I just said let's talk about it after she is gone. Sister said "I just want to be ready and plan in advance, I am having knee surgery in Aug and the restaurant we decided on doesn't have an elevator".  I said we can change the venue in that case because no one cares where we have it. It's really bizarre to me. I am chalking it up to people all handle death differently. Good positive note tho there was no real nastiness in our short conversation.

Sorry that your mom' condition is declining.  When my mom passed, she didn't have much quality of life left, so I thought of it as a blessing.

Good to hear that you got through the conversation with "no real nastiness".  You are right, no need to hurry for the memorial service.  Your sister appears to have a need to control it.

My mom had a good sense of humor (she was nonBPD).  After she passed, we had a simple graveside service.  My sibling liked country music, so when we discussed a song or two for the service,  I jokingly suggested a country song called, "Dropkick me Jesus".  That wasn't received well.  Just tried to lighten things up. I found the song by Googling, "funeral songs".  If you want a little laugh, part of the lyrics are below.

PS:  On one of the list of favorite's for funeral music was, "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead".  I'm thinking that some people with strong BPD mothers might be tempted to use that one.

Lyrics for "Dropkick me Jesus"
Dropkick me Jesus through the goalposts of life
And over end neither left nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me Jesus through the goalposts of life

Make me, oh make me Lord more than I am
Make a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly tempestion below
I've got the will Lord if you've got the toe

Bring on the brothers who've gone on before
And all of the sisters who've knocked at your door
All the departed dear loved ones of mine
And stick 'em up front in the offensive line

Dropkick me Jesus through the goalposts of life
And over end neither left nor the right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Dropkick me Jesus through the goalposts of life. . . .

[nomodrama]

Hi Harri,
You are one of a few who have asked me that and
I feel like it revealed itself, last 7 times I visited I prepared for it to be the last. I would like to hold her hand let her feel me there but I think she left already.
My mom and I had some precious time together while shes been in a care home, and was still here mejtally, we said our I love yous and goodbye.

I made her some scones and we had breakfast together. Other times we had her favorite foods and looked a photos.
I'm not sure I want to see her in the last phase of dying.
I'm a little worried I might wish I had gone one last time but I feel it revealed itself last time I flew down and got in the rental car I wanted to turn around and go home cuz the grief was presenting in a way that was very physical. Plus dealing with pwBPD sister there. Lots of grief has already come and gone in the last 14 months. It's been a long goodbye. I feel ok about  it.
My husband didnt get to say goodbye to his mom before her stroke rendered her unconscious.
I dont know, I feel this way was better.
I didnt want her to suffer in a home so long so it's almost like a relief or happy feeling when they told me they were putting her on morphine last week.
I felt icky for feeling that way but it's been a long horrible year plus.
Thank you all for "listening"

[nomodrama]

No-One
I like that idea my mom would like it's funny, she had a sense of humor that would appreciate t HF at!.
She wants the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" played.
I think I might need to have a few advanced cries listening to that tearjerker song!

[nomodrama]

Anyone here that needs have a cry, this song The Rose might do it.
https://youtu.be/oR6okRuOLc8
It got me to have a well needed cry.
My mom always loved roses.

[Harri]

I'm not sure I want to see her in the last phase of dying.

I feel ok about  it.

I dont know, I feel this way was better.

It sounds like you are mostly at peace about this.  'Mostly' may be the best we can hope for really when it comes to losing a parent. 

I didnt want her to suffer in a home so long so it's almost like a relief or happy feeling when they told me they were putting her on morphine last week.
I felt icky for feeling that way but it's been a long horrible year plus

I can understand the sense of relief here.  No one wants to see someone suffer.  I felt relief when my mom (mentally ill) did for several reasons, one of which was that it was quick... the relief was for me but for her as well.  Being sick for so long like your mom is has to be particularly painful.   

I hope for all of you that this time is peaceful.