Dealing with BPD rages through email - Advice or experiences to share?

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Looking for advice or shared experiences re: email communication. Have any of you had successful resolution of raging emails from bpd family members? If so, what did you write, how did you address?

Current situation: bpSIL is on an email rage with my H, FIL and non-bpSIL, after death of MIL. The focus is, as usual, me (I'm manipulative, evil, can't be trusted, she's going to investigate me etc). Her rant includes a long list of questions about family issues, most of which are not her business, sound paranoid etc. I'm close with my non-bpSIL and FIL (I do his shopping, visit him 3 dys/wk, which she does not know) but they are unsure how to respond, don't want to flame the fire (I usually don't take these things personally but I'll admit I'm sad no one has stood up for me on this one).

My H plans to respond but wants to be intentional, not reactionary (bpSIL doesn't speak to him so conversation not possible). Sometimes he ignores paranoid comments/questions (because they go in circles) but he wants to 1. protect me  2. attempt to squash the not-based-in-reality stories she is telling herself  3. Model for FIL how to be kind but firm, how to support a targeted family member (me) etc. (my FIL is wonderful but older and doesn't always understand bpd dynamics. Email is maybe good in this case, as it doesn't disappear over time like memories of a phone conversation.)

So H knows it may be a waste of time but considering addressing her questions point for point, giving a brief explanation for each, matter of factly. Thoughts or ideas? He also doesn't know what to say to support me in a way that would be helpful. Are there words he can use that might accomplish this? I'm on her perpetual sh-t list so that's not changing, but are there things he can say to set respectful boundaries around how she treats me and what she is saying about me? Should he encourage my FIL and SIL to also respond? I think some of these boundaries need to come from FIL, not just my H. Any advice welcome!

[Gem4747]

Looking for advice or shared experiences re: email communication. Have any of you had successful resolution of raging emails from bpd family members? If so, what did you write, how did you address?

Current situation: bpSIL is on an email rage with my H, FIL and non-bpSIL, after death of MIL. The focus is, as usual, me (I'm manipulative, evil, can't be trusted, she's going to investigate me etc). Her rant includes a long list of questions about family issues, most of which are not her business, sound paranoid etc. I'm close with my non-bpSIL and FIL (I do his shopping, visit him 3 dys/wk, which she does not know) but they are unsure how to respond, don't want to flame the fire (I usually don't take these things personally but I'll admit I'm sad no one has stood up for me on this one).

My H plans to respond but wants to be intentional, not reactionary (bpSIL doesn't speak to him so conversation not possible). Sometimes he ignores paranoid comments/questions (because they go in circles) but he wants to 1. protect me  2. attempt to squash the not-based-in-reality stories she is telling herself  3. Model for FIL how to be kind but firm, how to support a targeted family member (me) etc. (my FIL is wonderful but older and doesn't always understand bpd dynamics. Email is maybe good in this case, as it doesn't disappear over time like memories of a phone conversation.)

So H knows it may be a waste of time but considering addressing her questions point for point, giving a brief explanation for each, matter of factly. Thoughts or ideas? He also doesn't know what to say to support me in a way that would be helpful. Are there words he can use that might accomplish this? I'm on her perpetual sh-t list so that's not changing, but are there things he can say to set respectful boundaries around how she treats me and what she is saying about me? Should he encourage my FIL and SIL to also respond? I think some of these boundaries need to come from FIL, not just my H. Any advice welcome!

[RavenWatcher]

Wow, Gem, that is a complex one, sounds like. I haven't had a lot of rage emails (my ubpd Mom tends to only send me things when she is trying to have me on her good side), but has done this sort of thing with my brother. So here are some thoughts based around what we're currently trying:

Perhaps your H or your FiL could not address her paranoia and suspicion of you, but acknowledge the feelings she is having. Something like "I know you're concerned because you love us, and that means a lot to us, and we love you too. I want to make sure you feel as confident as we are that things are going okay..." (worded however works best in your family's specific context). Point for point can work too, but like you said, it may go in circles.

If this doesn't work, maybe for any of you who feel like you can, take the conversation offline. Group phone call, or in person meeting. Sometimes I find if I can get my brain to realize the conversation should be collaborative, not confrontational, I can face it easier.

And in case she does decide to have you investigated: Document. Save emails, save texts, or letters.

I wish you luck. Please keep us informed, and let us know how you are feeling with her attack on you, if you'd like.

[Gem4747]

"I want to make sure you feel as confident as we are that things are going okay..."
I really appreciate this wording. I have been trying to help my H speak to the underlying issues not just the paranoia and that helps.

[RavenWatcher]

I really do hope it helps. Centering it on feelings, for me at least, doesn't always feel like it gets to a solution, but sometimes it keeps the conversation going long enough.

[No-One]

Hi Gem4747:
Sorry about your situation.  I can tell it's taken a toll on you. 

  Have any of you had successful resolution of raging emails from bpd family members?    Her rant includes a long list of questions about family issues, most of which are not her business, sound paranoid etc.

Be cautions of group emails and drama triangles.  Best to NOT engage. Things can get very messy if you do replies to multiple people. Things that are none of her business, should stay none of her business.  Don't try to address those things with her. 

One way to slow down communication is to only communicate by snail mail.

If you haven't read (or don't have full understanding) about drama triangles and not JADEing, you might want to check out the info. at the links below:

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all

Are there things he can say to set respectful boundaries around how she treats me and what she is saying about me?           

Boundaries are personal to the person setting them.  They have to be things that a person has control over and is responsible for enforcing.

No one can control or change BPDsil.  FIL has no power to change her.  He can refuse to engage in a conversation with her, when she rants about you.  (i.e. terminate a phone call, not reply to crazy things she says in an email).  He can ask her to leave his home, if she won't stop ranting about you.

FIL can enforce his boundaries to NOT listen to/be subjected to SIL's rants (he has control over that). He can leave her presence or ask her to leave his presence. He doesn't have control over whether she rants about you or other silly things.  FIL would likely need to be coached on this.

If you are able to share some specific issues, it might be possible to give some more specific suggestions.

People with BPD or BPD traits tend to go off the rails, during stressful times.  The loss of her mom has likely exacerbated her bad behaviors.  Are there any estate issues that need to be addressed at the current time?  I'm thinking that everything likely went to your FIL and that the big fireworks will happen after FIL passes?

[Gem4747]

This is helpful info. I appreciate the JADE link and suggestions. . My H and I have noticed BP SIL paranoia increasing so H has been wondering if he should provide more “facts” than usual ie when she makes accusations, calmly show her proof when we have it (“no we didn’t write mom’s obit, here it is in her writing”). Any suggestions on this? Is it ever helpful to share facts when BP is in a serious loop that can be disproven easily, visually? (I know facts normally don’t help).

As far as estate issues I try to stay out of it. Yes, I’m guessing it will amp up after FIL passes. But FIL and his kids are all meeting at SIL request/demand tomorrow to discuss that and whatever else. She is demanding financial paperwork, etc (accuses me of having access to it bcs my H is executor - I have nothing to do with it) My H’s concern is that FIL will give what she asks and it will cause problems. H has provided very minor coaching that you don’t have to make any decisions at the meeting. But not sure how it will work in the moment. FIL thinks it’s fine to share all his info with all his kids, is into fairness.
Do you know of helpful resources for dealing with BP in estate/financial issues? H knows my FIL needs coaching but he is very careful not to make any financial suggestions to his dad, as he knows it could come back to bite him later. So he says very little.  I know the non BP sibs are stressed about this issue, not the estate itself but dealing with their BP sib and the impact on their dad etc. Also, worried they might be left financially responsible bcs parents have supported BP SIL for entire life (they have good boundaries but she is family and has a child).

Any suggestions welcome. Ground rules for a meeting like this, is setting boundaries up front worth it? etc. Maybe he could ask his dad what ground rules he wants for the meeting and for himself?

Thanks so much.

[Pilpel]

So H knows it may be a waste of time but considering addressing her questions point for point, giving a brief explanation for each, matter of factly.

I've been interacting with a bpd/npd SIL for over ten years.  My husband and I have had many email exchanges where we have taken hours, sometimes days, of time to try to thoughtfully, kindly and truthfully respond to her.  I can't say that the time and effort has amounted to much.  I have always preferred email, for the very reason that it provides proof of what was said, and it seems a better format to take the time to express yourself.  It's difficult to express yourself to someone with N/BPD when they only consider one response to be a correct response, and they are coming from a point of view that their feelings and needs are more important than yours.  My SIL has had a few moments where she seems to have had some awareness of our point of view, and there have been a few times when I've been able to speak honestly to her.  But those moments were never steps to any meaningful change. 

In our experience, our best efforts to engage with her through emails has only led to more confusion.  I had one exchange with her years ago, where an old conflict came up, and the further we got into trying to hash out our points of view, the more absurd made up memories she invented. To the point where she was outright telling me what I was saying to other people and telling me what my motivations and bad intentions were.  To the point where I realized I had to end the correspondence by just articulating my boundaries.  Like "I'm not going to continue having conversation about things you believe I said behind your back or bad intentions you claim I had."  And it really only did me good to articulate it for myself, because she responded by saying "Well, I just described things as I remember them, and your brother agrees with me."  We have had a bit of success using reflective listening.  Repeating back to them what they say can sometimes help de-escalate any tension.  Sometimes if you just offer some type of validation to what they are feeling, it can sooth them and open the door for them to listen to your point of view. 

The whole thing is really sad, though.  I don't know you, but I'll assume most people are decent people.  I'm not perfect.  But I think I'm a good sister in law.  My brother could have married someone from any culture, any physical type, personality type, size, shape, color, language, etc., and I think I could have maintained a good, and loving relationship with most anyone no matter how different they are from me.  And yet he married someone I don't like to be around.  Despite the fact that my parents and I have jumped through hoops trying to please her over the years --while asking hardly anything from her-- she is quick to accuse us that we don't do enough for her, that we fall short as inlaws. 

[Gem4747]

Pinpel
I am just back here after a long break dealing with family craziness. Thank you for sharing your insights. It was so good to read about an experience so similar to my own. I am so sorry you are in a similar situation. It is very painful. We are at a point now where in person meetings may not be possible due to my SIL’s behavior (threatening lawyers etc) and email may be our only option. But I think you are correct that email often leads to more confusion. My husband is trying not to respond to the irrational statements, or repeat himself or respond to the zany accusations etc and instead speak to the underlying issue when possible. Easier said than done! Best of luck to you.

[Panda39]

Why respond at all?

[Pilpel]

Gem,

I just wanted to update you ... I finally went NC with my SIL.  After more than ten years of dealing with a relationship that brought me more stress than joy, and took up a lot of time and occupied too much of my thoughts.  I learned a lot from my relationship with her.  So I try to focus on the positive. 

[TelHill]

Gem,

It sounds like you have this wrapped up.  Wanted to share a technique in case this occurs again.

I've used BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) when needing to respond to unwelcome and/or overly emotional emails. The below link is one of many examples I found when googling.

https://www.familylawfla.com/Articles/BIFF-Quick-Responses-to-High-Conflict-People-Their-Personal-Attacks-Hostile-Email-and-Social-Media.shtml

I've used this at work with great success. Sorry if this is a repeat to you