How to back pedal when you make a mistake

[MomSA]

I have just sent my daughter into a full blown meltdown.

She broke up with her boyfriend (im glad) on Wednesday and by Thursday she was seeing another guy.

Today she arrived at a family function with a hickey on her neck and I spoke to her this evening about it. I asked who and if he was a decent guy, she lied about who did it to her and then told me it was none of my business and to stay out of her personal life. [insert much more colourful language].

Should I just have said nothing? Do I just leave her to sleep with as many men as she wants? Is it truly none of my business what my 20yr old daughter does?

And if so, how do I make this right? Do I apologise and thus make her think her anger and choices are ok with me?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

That is a tough call. I would say your daughter's unfortunate choices in men falls under the category of things you cannot change and must accept. That does NOT mean you must approve. It means you recognize it as an unwinnable battle and back off. That said, I would not apologize. You weren't wrong to be concerned.

[nevergupmom]

SA
After all these years, it still takes me a back when a comment of concern is mistaken as some sort of personal attack.  Remember what they hear is not usually what was said, and there is some sort of disconnect in how the intent is percieved.  I liked the video on SET; sympathise, emphathise first and then insert truth. , Can't remember exactly where it is on the website but it's here somewhere (Im still new on board).  We can practice responding this way...  I'm so sorry about how upset you must be due to the break-up, I totally see how you think getting into a new relationship will help...but...TRUTH

[MomSA]

That is a tough call. I would say your daughter's unfortunate choices in men falls under the category of things you cannot change and must accept. That does NOT mean you must approve. It means you recognize it as an unwinnable battle and back off. That said, I would not apologize. You weren't wrong to be concerned.

Thank you. I eventually sent her a text saying, I could have handled my concern better, I am sorry she is upset and while I don't like her choices, they are hers to make.

She replied saying she's sorry she lost control.

This conversation is miles better than what we have had to face before.

She moved back home tonight after housesitting for a week...not sure what she will be like in person.

[MomSA]

...  I'm so sorry about how upset you must be due to the break-up, I totally see how you think getting into a new relationship will help...but...TRUTH

I always loose these words in the moment, and then say the wrong thing. I wish I could have sticky notes with the validating terms all over my brain! Thank you.

[PeaceMom]

It always blows my mind that when I say something that 99% of moms should, would and could say in a kind, concerned way, my 1% DD19 goes nuts. I honestly do not know that my brain can ever be ready and prepared for those sick responses. She lives in such a defensive state of mind. Whew. She got dumped about a month ago, went completely nuts and wound up in psych ward again. She’s been complaining everyday that she’s so lonely she needs another dog or cat or rabbit to make her feel better. We said no but she showed up with another hampster instead. I tried to use S.E.T. Saying “I know you are feeling lonely right now and animals can provide emotional support but we can’t allow another animal in home”. Her texted response literally spewed venom at me. There is no winning 99% of the time. Sad stuff!
,

[Only Human]

I eventually sent her a text saying, I could have handled my concern better, I am sorry she is upset and while I don't like her choices, they are hers to make.

She replied saying she's sorry she lost control.

I call this a baby step in the right direction. By apologizing for your approach, yet still stating you are concerned, and at the same time, letting her know you accept that she has a right to make her own choices, you've given her an "out." She took it and answered with an apology of her own.

My T says, "DD knows she's blowing it and likely feels shame. It's best you let her sit with it and not pile on." By keeping my mouth shut when she's clearly making a BAD decision, I leave space for her to come to me when it goes sour rather than fearing the "I told you so."

I love your idea of sticky notes in our brains. I'm like you, I think most of us are when we start using the tools. None of this is intuitive and must be practiced. It's a different language and it takes years to learn Spanish or Russian, you know? You are moving in the right direction.

I recently had to talk to DD about a serious matter and I was all tied up in knots about it. I came here and worked it out with you all and got some great feedback. I wrote an actual script and, although there were some bumps along the way, I stuck pretty much to it. You can read more about it, if you'd like, by checking my post history. I'm sharing this to let you know, it gets easier, it becomes more natural, and the results are worth the effort. These kids of ours aren't going to make it easy for us but if we can take ourselves out of the line up of people to blame for their misery, we've given them, and us, a great gift.

How are things going now that she's back?

Keep it up, MomSA - you're doing a great job.

~ OH

[MomSA]

By keeping my mouth shut when she's clearly making a BAD decision, I leave space for her to come to me when it goes sour rather than fearing the "I told you so."

These kids of ours aren't going to make it easy for us but if we can take ourselves out of the line up of people to blame for their misery, we've given them, and us, a great gift.

Thank you...yes I must not "double dip" her as she is probably already feeling guilt and shame for her decision to move from one guy to the next.

And I will remind myself of taking myself out of the line up.

How are things going now that she's back?

She was very moody last night...she got upset that I got her a script for melatonin to help with her sleep and told me I am not allowed to go to a previously agreed upon psychiatrists appointment coming Monday to discuss meds for her anxiety and insomnia...

She then took herself to her room to study for a test which she's known about for 4 weeks and did nothing about it...with a Red Bull and Monster Energy drink...thats really going to help her sleep right?

But I said nothing, offered her tea, was refused and I went to bed. I know when she regulates her emotions again we will be ok...for right now we have a thunder cloud in the home.

[MomSA]

And the saga continues...her friend she lied about has now blocked her on social media and WhatsApp and I feel dreadful that I played a hand in this.

I need to apologise for "meddling" and checking out her lies, and hate that this may make her thing that it was me that stuffed up her friendship as versus her lie that did.

Lesson learnt, take myself out of the line up.

[JustYouWait]

You actually don't "need" to apologize for anything.

If you want to, that's a different story.

You didn't create the lie.  You didn't do whatever it was that caused the friend to block her.  You didn't engage in risky behavior. 

SHE did.

As for your approach, it helped me immensely when I changed the wording of my questions.  I changed from "Why the hell is there a hickey on your neck?" (aggressive and accusatory) to "I see a hickey on your neck.  Wanna talk about it?" (non-aggressive and non-judgemental).


We spent a lot of time talking about "my bag of s**T" vs. DD's "bag of s**t"

Me worrying about her risky sexual behavior was MY bag.
The reasons for her choices were HER bag.

For us, that was a seemingly small, but really huge difference.  It allowed me to accept that I have issues in this relationship; I just don't have them ALL.

[MomSA]

Thank you JYW.

I know for now I need to completely step away from any instructional involvement. She blames bus for everything - for the first joint she put in her mouth through to her sleep problems.

I need to let her therapist do the work with her and hope that one day our relationship will be right enough for those kinds of talks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders