Can you address a BPD mother by her first name?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, new to the board.

My mother has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but my years with therapists and psychiatrists for my own issues and discussing her behavior gave me a lot of confidence in thinking she definitely has it.

She and my father are in their late 60s, early 70s, and I’m 45. Most of my life she’s been emotionally abusive to my siblings and me, and to my father. Her most recent abusive behavior was locking my father out of the house when she believed he had lost her cat, and threatening never to let him back in until he found it.

I personally would love it if I never had to had any relationship with her at all, but I don’t want it to negatively impact my father. Recently, a therapist suggested a bit of a compromise after all the underhanded acts she’s always pulled on me, of which I can detail later and only if you really want to hear it: I should start calling her by her first name and not “Mom”. Have any of you tried that?

You may see me posting ventings from time to time, but thank you for being there.

[GretchenCatMom]

Hello, new to the board.

My mother has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but my years with therapists and psychiatrists for my own issues and discussing her behavior gave me a lot of confidence in thinking she definitely has it.

She and my father are in their late 60s, early 70s, and I’m 45. Most of my life she’s been emotionally abusive to my siblings and me, and to my father. Her most recent abusive behavior was locking my father out of the house when she believed he had lost her cat, and threatening never to let him back in until he found it.

I personally would love it if I never had to had any relationship with her at all, but I don’t want it to negatively impact my father. Recently, a therapist suggested a bit of a compromise after all the underhanded acts she’s always pulled on me, of which I can detail later and only if you really want to hear it: I should start calling her by her first name and not “Mom”. Have any of you tried that?

You may see me posting ventings from time to time, but thank you for being there.

[Notwendy]

I don't call my mother by her first name directly- I think it would cause drama. However, I call her by her first name when I speak about her to others. It doesn't feel comfortable to me to call her "Mom"- our relationship isn't the typical mother-daughter.

However, it feels disrespectful to call her by her first name to her face. I'm old school about addressing people. I don't call people her age by their first name unless they ask me to. I would call them "Mrs. Smith". So "mother" or Mom" seems to be the title I feel is best, but I don't think it is with the same connection other people might feel when they say it.

"Mom" comes with certain meaning and feelings that can be confusing to us if we have an abusive mother, so I can understand your T's idea. However, I also think it helps to not induce family drama if not necessary. Do what you think feels most comfortable to you.

[HappyChappy]

This sounds like a great idea. By calling your mum by her first name, it acknowledges she has not acted like a mother, and helps cuts down on the obligation we may feel. Is that the idea ? Will make a change from calling her Mein Fuhrer.

[Notwendy]

Happy Chappy- About spit out my meal on that one. However, I admit to having a few nicknames as well 

[GaGrl]

I'm sure it's different in various regions and families. My culture isn't one where elders are called by first name unless asked to do so. However, in referring to my mother when talking to other members of my family, I refer to her by her first name (which is what they call her).

Now...My husband's ex, the uBPD/NPD, has had several nicknames over the years...

[zachira]

It could change some of the relational dynamics if you started calling your mother by her first name. In the beginning, I think it would make things worse as your mother would likely act out. In the long term, maybe she might be a little more respectful, though unlikely. Can you tell us a little more about your therapist's thinking on calling your mother by her first name and what you hope to achieve? I once started calling my mother with BPD by her first name and she immediately objected so I did not do it anymore.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

I have the same question as zachira:  What is your T's thinking that prompted this suggestion?

Please do share more of your story with us as it will help us get to know you and give us some context.   

[No-One]

Hi GretchenCatMom:  Welcome!

This is interesting.  I'm currently NC with my sibling.

When sibling filed a law suit against me: I represented myself, formally replied to the court by answering a petition, appeared at the initial hearing, and didn't budge on my position with the mandatory reconciliation effort.

While corresponding with sibling's lawyer, I used sibling's complete/formal first name.  Usually, I had used her abbreviated first name.  Interestingly, I wanted to continue to address my sibling by their more formal first name. I found it somewhat liberating.  In my mind, I still think of my sibling with the more formal name. 

I was painted black, when we first had to work together in regard to our parents failing health, deaths and trust/estate matters.  Sibling became someone I didn't know, so best to NOT address sibling (snail mail or in my mind) in a familiar way.

As a side note, my sibling ended up dropping the law suit.  I was prepared to continue to represent myself in court.  Although, there would be some costs for me, it would be a fraction of what sibling would pay in court costs. I was prepared to represent myself to the end. Sibling finally had a reality check and caved.

I understand the benefit of referring to a relative in a more formal manner.

[Harri]

  No-One:

I found it somewhat liberating.

  This is interesting to me as is the whole idea of changing what we call our pwBPD.  Is there more emotional distancing that feels liberating to you?

[No-One]

Hi GretchenCatMom - Welcome! & thanks for sharing.

No-One:   This is interesting to me as is the whole idea of changing what we call our pwBPD.  Is there more emotional distancing that feels liberating to you?

I've drug my feet with preparing a will or trust.  I think it will feel good when I take care of that, and leave everything to charity, and nothing to my sibling or siblings children.