things i can do to help my partner with bpd or help myself

[fonsee33]

My partner was diagnosed with BPD,  so she was recommended some medicines to take. During the period where she takes in the medicine, she is fine; able to work and focus, be nice, and be regular. 
My problem lies with when the trigger happens. She is grumpy, you can feel she is extremely emotional, sensitive and simply I just don't talk to her to avoid saying something wrong or causing any form of conflicts or triggers.
At first, as a guy, i was putting blame to myself even if I did not do anything.  But as i learned about her, and as we talked about it then; i realized that it is the BPD that is the problem.
My question or help i need, is simply I need somebody to talk to and advice how i can handle this.  Her parents are not pretty open to this illness, so that is something I can't bring up to them.   I will not bring it up to my family as well, as this will cause worries and they will disapprove of this relationship.
Sometimes I also get stressed out when this is happening, and as a problem my life and people connected to my life also suffer.  I want to be there for her, but I also need to be there for my family.   
How can I help myself when this type of scenario arises? I care for her, but as it is affecting my own life and life of my loved ones; then i need help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[loyalwife]

Welcome,
   You have definitely come to the right place for support. You will find stories that you can relate to, and information to learn to learn from. The important thing to know now is that you are not alone.
   

Sometimes I also get stressed out when this is happening, and as a problem my life and people connected to my life also suffer

    When the pwBPD is 'triggered' and they are dysregulated, it will cause stress. It is during this time that you need to take especially good care of yourself.

How can I help myself when this type of scenario arises?

     You'll want to set some boundaries for yourself first. Once you have practiced setting them, you'll know how and when to disengage. My husband will pick a fight with me when he is out of sorts. I can see the tension mounting, and without provocation he gets angry. The words start, and he either shuts me out or yells. The shutting out is easier as you can just retreat and find a safe place to be. Leave the room. When the anger turns abusive, then that is when the boundaries come out. You do not have to stand there and get pummeled and if you calmly state that you do not want to engage/fight/take part in, then you can quietly leave. This takes practice, but it does get easier to do. Remember to take care of yourself and practice self love. She is not in any state of mind to convince, (JADE-justify,argue,defend,explain) She's working on emotion and feeling that may or may not have anything to do with the present moment. You won't win this battle. Let her get back to base with her emotions in her own way.
     I'm sorry that you are dealing with this (at a young age, just guessing). You must care a lot about her to want to find ways to help the relationship.  You are understood here, continue to post and share.

[fonsee33]

Thank you for this. i really appreciate it.  I'm 35 already actually, but this is the first time i've encountered someone directly with BPD, or maybe I have had encountered somebody with it(not sure) but since i am involved more then i am affected more.

I really am trying to find somebody to talk to, because at times, i find myself going off.  Like, i have some disorder or something.  But I know i shouldn't blame myself for things, but sometimes the way she tells me things, i feel like I've done so much wrong.  I've been reading a bit these 2 days, and can relate to a lot of the posts; and it is interesting because it seems like a pattern among people with BPD.

I couldn't tell anyone else in my network because i don't want her to get judged in anyway, I care for her; and i guess i Just need to find my defaults.  What do i do when certain events happen?   The safest bet i've observed so far, is to distance myself and just let her be.   Sometimes i am afraid of doing that because am not sure if she can hurt herself or what.   But  it is tricky.   Sometimes i want to just have a break from everything. And i have told her that i will need my 'me'  times. She did tell me that she cares and she hopes that i don't give up on her.   I don't plan on to giving up. But yeah, maybe i just need somebody to tell me, it's ok, or tell me what to do, basically to 'counter' the negative things i get when these episodes she get.

[NorseWoman]

Read "Stop Walking On Eggshells"  I am now and it is helping.

N.W.

[Ozzie101]

Hi fonsee33! I'd like to join NorseWoman and loyalwife in welcoming you to the boards.

They both have some really good advice for you. If you haven't checked out Stop Walking on Eggshells, I'd recommend it highly. I read it when I first started to realize my husband may have BPD and it was a godsend.

People here get it. We know what it's like to need support, to not have anyone to talk to.

A lot of what you say is familiar to me. I, too, blamed myself for my husband's rages, sure it was all my fault. I was able to start to turn things around thanks to the support and tools I found here. There have been some very bad situations that have been turned around, so there is hope. It just takes work and patience.

You say you want some help in knowing how to deal with the episodes. Could you pick a recent incident and describe it -- how it started, what was said (by both of you), how it was resolved (if at all)? If we have details, we can better see what tools might be useful for you.

[MidLifCrysis1]

Ditto the others on pretty much all points.

But wanted to add support to the recommendation for  "Stop Walking On Eggshells" - I echo the "godsend" sentiment.
And...there's a good audiobook version of it, if that helps.

[Andie@67]

Thank you for being new too.  I just joined as well, and you've helped me feel more comfortable being new here.  And, your situation mirrors mine.  I've just finished reading The Essential Family Guide to BPD, written by one of the authors of Stop Walking on Eggshells and it's amazingly helpful both for understanding my husband's experience, as well as offering guidance and assurance towards what to do.  The changes that need to be made lie with ME, which is reassuring and also a little anxiety provoking as these changes will run deeeeep.  I'm really anxious but also feeling so much more hopeful than I've felt in a long time.