Adult Sister BP

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello-  My parents and I just came to the realization that my 43 year old sister is most certainly BP.  After a recent meltdown by her at a family gathering she has shut us out.  How do I open a dialogue with her when every attempt to talk results in hostile emails? (She lives 3000 mikes away.) Her husband is in denial and recently stopped communicating with me, so it is hard to figure out how to go forward.

Thanks this is all new to me .

[StuckBunny]

Hello-  My parents and I just came to the realization that my 43 year old sister is most certainly BP.  After a recent meltdown by her at a family gathering she has shut us out.  How do I open a dialogue with her when every attempt to talk results in hostile emails? (She lives 3000 mikes away.) Her husband is in denial and recently stopped communicating with me, so it is hard to figure out how to go forward.

Thanks this is all new to me .

[Turkish]

Hi StuckBunny,



A compliant spouse is unfortunately common.  There are many members here whose fathers were similar.  Hopefilly one of them can provide insight. 

What triggers her meltdowns?

[Harri]

Hi StuckBunny and welcome though I am sorry for what brings you here.

As Turkish mentioned, we do get it here.  my father was an enabler and was quite scared of my mom, avoiding, tip-toeing and rescuing my mother my whole life... with an occasional blow up from him that he then turned around and went back to the same old behaviors which only reinforced the bad behavior.  Does that sound like something that is happening with your BIL (brother in-law)?

How do I open a dialogue with her when every attempt to talk results in hostile emails?

What is your goal in opening a dialogue?  What sort of things have your written to her and what are her responses?

I hope you share more and jump in here as we really do get it and all work together to support each other.

Again,

[StuckBunny]

Hi-  Thank you both for your replies.  At this point I was attempting a dialogue because she had a massive rage at an Easter gathering and has since refused to speak to anyone (we are the enemy).  I was not going to reach out as even before realizing BPD is the culprit, I had learned to keep my distance. In fact I was enjoying a month of peace when my parents’ therapist suggested we all read “Stop Walking on Eggshells”. 

Now I suddenly feel as if I am supposed to engage.  On the one hand I enjoy not communicating on the other I feel like I should at least be present via email.  Is it strange to say that I feel things  are more complicated now that I understand she is suffering?  I do not feel responsible for her but I do feel sorry for her despite everything.

 I’m not sure her triggers in general, but family gatherings seem to push hjer over the edge even when everyone is having a good time.  Now that I think  about it, the better we are all doing  in life the more likely the rage. Her husband told me a while back that anything and everything he does can end in rage.  But like I said, since I suggested to him to read the book he has stopped communicating with me, but did call my Dad to blame them for “abandoning” their daughter.  Has he drunk the BP coo aid or is it just self preservation?  He had anusive parents.

Sorry, I wrote a lot more than I meant to.  Your input is helpful!

[Turkish]

If she's BPD, then seeing others have a good time may trigger her shame, like she's unworthy of love.  It's too bad that your BIL is retreating, but he's likely doing what he can to keep their marriage (her) stable. 

[Harri]

Hi again!

Now I suddenly feel as if I am supposed to engage.  On the one hand I enjoy not communicating on the other I feel like I should at least be present via email.  Is it strange to say that I feel things  are more complicated now that I understand she is suffering?  I do not feel responsible for her but I do feel sorry for her despite everything.

I don't think it is strange at all.  It is more complicated now, at least in terms of having conflicting feelings from my way of thinking.   Knowing the behaviors stem from a disorder and that someone is in pain is going to elicit some complex feelings even if the solution for us remains the same.  By solution I mean detaching with love, setting boundaries, learning skills and tools to use in navigating a relationship with her, etc  Regardless of this being an illness, you still get to say no to abuse.  That does not change.

Has he drunk the BP coo aid or is it just self preservation?  He had anusive parents.

There is no cool aid.    Chances are it is part learned behavior from his childhood and his own issues resulting from that childhood. 

At this point, do you see any point in trying to contact her if she is giving you the silent treatment?  Has she done this before?  How has contact resumed in the past?