New here and new to setting boundaries

[bpdfoo]

Hi there! My 20 yr old son was diagnosed earlier this year. We're trying to get him into a DBT program but there's a waiting list.

He started taking a low dose of abilify a few months ago and we haven't had any horrible arguments since then.

As a dad I feel super uncomfortable setting boundaries. I have a tendency to expect people to just act correctly. I hate conflict and have dug a hole for myself because of that. He walks all over me. My wife and I have read all about setting boundaries and I'm putting that to the test today.

His friend has been staying over almost every night for weeks now. I told him the guy can't live with us but he keeps having excuses. Last night after telling me he'd take him home he instead drank wine and fell asleep.

I'm telling him his friend can't sleep over for the next 2 weeks. I'm not looking forward to his reaction. I expect yelling or name calling. My wife says it's vitally important that I stick with this. I've never punished him properly when he was a child. I wish I knew then what I know now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello bpdfoo and welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. It is the best place to get help and support from other parents who are going through the same or similar things. Admitting you need help with boundaries and posting about it is a great first step toward a better future with your son. Have you seen this? Boundaries

This is the article that helped me to understand that boundaries are all about self care. Sure they benefit our children, but they also benefit us. I hope it helps. Please keep us posted about how it goes. We are all rooting for you.

[bpdfoo]

Well, a few days passed. His initial reaction was that he was sorry for stressing me out. But tonight he tried to push me to reduce it to 7 days and when I wouldn't he started calling me every name in the book.

[FaithHopeLove]

That is to be expected. Let him rage
 You stick to your healthy boundaries.

[wendydarling]

Hi bpdfoo and welcome

Faith is right. This workshop may help your resolve, let us know what you think, helpful?

BEHAVIOURS: Extinction Bursts


WDx

[StressedOutDaily]

Hi bpdfoo-
 It isn't easy...and it is so hard to listen to them call you horrible names...but you can do it.   My D16 is testing the boundaries we have set, but it gets a little easier every day.  It isn't pretty, but I can see that it is working.

One of our boundaries is that DD is home by a curfew - and if not we call the police.  We had to do that last week.  We also told her she couldn't go to a particular house anymore - told her what would happen if she did...and followed through with our consequences when she went there.     Now she knows that we  mean what we say.

She still yells and screams and swears at me when I say no, and remind her of a boundary. As I said, it isn't pretty and she is keeping to the boundaries.   

Hang in there...you can do this!

[bpdfoo]

Thanks for the feedback.

One thing I thought about doing, which my wife says is a bad idea, is to offer something as a reward that will reduce the number of days. There's a list of things I gave him to do several weeks ago, things he needs to do in order to understand his finances (like setup an account on Mint.com).

Is it a bad idea to offer a reduction in the number of days in exchange for him doing the things on this list?  The logical part of me sees this as an efficient exchange but I think I'm not understanding how powerful mixed signals can be. Or is this a good exception to the rule? I have no idea.

I think this would fall under intermittent reinforcement. And any future boundary I try to set will be challenged with an offer to reduce it by doing something in exchange.

[StressedOutDaily]

Are you familiar with the DEARMAN skill?   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

Might be helpful to you in trying to get him to do some of the things you would like.

[wendydarling]

Are you familiar with the DEARMAN skill? 

great tool StressedOut my DD learnt it in DBT, she uses it, in situations she finds difficult, Dr's Receptionist being one.