4.5 Year Roller Coaster

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After 4.5 years of a relationship with someone I now know has BPD, I've been struggling for the past 6 months after a pretty brutal breakup - and continued craziness since. I've been reading through this forum (found it by accident), and hearing others' stories has been very helpful.

Synopsis of the relationship: several breakups and then coming back together. She was bulimic, and was in therapy for bulimia - so that was always where I focused and thought her issues were coming from (also blinded me a bit to the way she was treating me, and helped me forgive her and excuse her behavior.)

She could be incredibly sweet, so much fun to be around and was truly my best friend. But she also had a drinking issue - and when she got drunk she'd lash out at me, then wake up in the morning and be mired in guilt for what she'd done the night before - though she'd never want to talk about it, or take steps to change the behavior.

Her past relationships all ended turbulently, she told me the stories in the very beginning - they all cheated on her, controlled her, physically abused her and lied to her and made her feel crazy. I thought to myself - why would anyone treat such a beautiful kind person this way? And I wanted to show her that she deserved to be treated better. Maybe I should have recognized her past pattern as a warning sign.

I started going into therapy about a year into the relationship - I suffer from depression, but the therapy sessions quickly became about coping and communication strategies regarding her. At one point she even asked to come see my therapist with me - which I agreed to. She told the therapist she felt so guilty for the way she treated me, and that it all stemmed from her resentment over things I'd said years before. Therapist asked what she wanted - she said she didn't want to run away, but wanted some space to get over the resentment. I agreed. Two days later she's asking me if I want to go to her parents beach house with her - to which I said no, she asked for space and I wanted her to take it so she could work through her resentment. We go back into my therapists office and she angrily tells the therapist I'm not giving her space. We went through a handful of sessions with the therapist, same pattern, and I finally broke and said I couldn't take it anymore. That was our second breakup. A few weeks later we were back together.

Eventually we both moved to a different city (but were still living in separate places.) Stayed together there for a year, but things became strained - and the drunken lash outs continued. She wasn't in any type of therapy and things continued to get worse, to the point where she would accuse me of something (for example not being a friend to her best friend), I'd give examples of me doing so, then she'd scream at me that she never accused me of not trying to be her friend - followed by calling me crazy and that I was making things up. At one point she even recorded a phone conversation, and listened to it the next day - and admitted she had in fact made the initial accusation - but she swept it under the rug.

She was ALWAYS the victim. If not overtly, then a victim of her own guilt. There were times when she'd break me to the point of tears, and the few times I cried she would scream at me for making her feel guilty.

Finally in early January, everything's been fine - then on a Saturday she tells me she's running errands for her sister's bachelorette party and grabbing drinks with her girlfriend that night. She stops responding to my texts the rest of the day - I started to worry if she was okay, so I check Facebook messenger and see she'd been active an hour ago. I had hit a breaking point (silent treatment was one of her tactics), and wrote an email to her saying I was done. That was around midnight. Around 3am police show up at my door - say that my "ex" girlfriend had called saying I sent her a suicide note. I invited them in, showed them the email I'd sent, they read it - and then apologize for bothering me. I texted her in shock - she simply responds, "Sorry for being dramatic. But I guess it's obvious we've both said our goodbyes then."

I was so angry I just cut away from her, but she also had a bunch of my things - including a laptop that had old tax documents and things on it. So about a month later I emailed her asking if she could send my laptop back to me - she responds and says she wants to bring it to my office. I agree. She meets me in the lobby in the morning and she said she needed to be somewhere but we could talk for a few minutes. I asked her what the hell happened? She tells me I'm toxic, we never had any chemistry and that she'd met someone else a few weeks before that all happened. This was so hurtful because the last time I'd seen her in person (the Friday before Christmas), we'd spent a great night together, exchanged christmas gifts, and she woke me up in the morning with a kiss before I helped her get a cab to the train station to go back to her parents house for the holidays. This meant she had already started seeing someone else when she's spent that night with me.

I was literally floored from this interaction - it was like talking to a different person, with a whole different reality. Four years and no chemistry? I kept asking her - four years and you really couldn't just face me and have a conversation? She got mad at me, and said I "tricked" her into meeting with her with the laptop (even though she is the one who wanted to meet me to give it to me).

Since then we've had a few brief exchanges on social. The last one ended with me asking if we could just have a conversation for closure - that the four years meant a lot to me, and I was struggling with being just literally dropped like that. She responded with "I'm really sorry for the way things happened, but I feel they had to end that way. We were on a rollercoaster and I needed to get off. Please don't contact me again."

That was end of April, I blocked her on all my social, tried to start healing and tried to move on. I went back to my therapist (in the first city who'd seen both of us) to try and make sense of it all. That's when he told me people with this disorder - you can't make sense out of. So I asked him what specific disorder he was referring to - and he said borderline. Things started to make more sense - he referred to the constant push and pull, the lack of self and the feelings being fact. He made it clear he felt bad for her because she's in constant emotional pain, and she'll need lifelong therapy. But he also made it very clear I needed to look within myself and figure out why I allowed myself to put up with it all for so long, which was what I tried to focus on and work on.

I did more research, and it all started to make perfect sense - particularly the whole feeling like I was all to blame for everything, and being in this weird state of knowing something was true - but having her be so adamant that it wasn't that it made me feel crazy. But I was starting to get her out of my head.

Then, out of the blue, this week I get a call from a lawyer who says he's representing her. Apparently she's telling him that I had demanded $5k from her or I was going to publicly publish nude photos of her? I assured him that wasn't true, that I didn't have any nude photos of her, and I didn't even understand where this was coming from.

My wounds certainly weren't healed, but there were at least scabs forming over them. This completely ripped it all off. I am absolutely stunned. I get it that it's a disorder, but why would she go to a lawyer two months after we agreed not to communicate with one another? What could possibly be her goal?

I'm angry and hurt, I've been going through the hurt for six months - and the farther I get away from the relationship, the more I realize the TRUE hurt was from the four years of push/pull, drunken lash outs, deceit, lies, gaslighting.

How do you all separate the disorder from the person? I mean, I know somewhere inside she's a good person who's hurt - and I'd prefer to feel compassion and empathy towards her, instead of anger towards her. I know she's hurting inside, but I'm also incredibly hurt from what she put me through. What have you all done to find compassion between those things?

How do you stave off the isolation? I felt isolated all through the relationship - I never wanted to tell others (besides my therapist) how she was acting because I knew they'd think poorly of her - which is ironic because I now know she was painting me in horrible ways to her friends and family. But now being out of it - I feel isolated because when I try to explain to others what I'm going through, I think the whole thing's too crazy for anyone to understand or relate to. They just say - you dodged a bullet, what if you'd had kids with her. Which is true and fair...but I struggle more with: was any of the past four years real? I still struggle with blaming myself - not just about things I could have done better to respond to her actions, but also why did I stay with her so long. 

How have you all processed your experiences and worked through them? Any advice? I found these boards by accident and reading others stories has been very helpful (which is a big reason I decided to share mine.) Beyond our ordeals though - I don't want to focus on what I've been through, but how to grow from it. Looking for any advice on that front?

[gizmo7247]

After 4.5 years of a relationship with someone I now know has BPD, I've been struggling for the past 6 months after a pretty brutal breakup - and continued craziness since. I've been reading through this forum (found it by accident), and hearing others' stories has been very helpful.

Synopsis of the relationship: several breakups and then coming back together. She was bulimic, and was in therapy for bulimia - so that was always where I focused and thought her issues were coming from (also blinded me a bit to the way she was treating me, and helped me forgive her and excuse her behavior.)

She could be incredibly sweet, so much fun to be around and was truly my best friend. But she also had a drinking issue - and when she got drunk she'd lash out at me, then wake up in the morning and be mired in guilt for what she'd done the night before - though she'd never want to talk about it, or take steps to change the behavior.

Her past relationships all ended turbulently, she told me the stories in the very beginning - they all cheated on her, controlled her, physically abused her and lied to her and made her feel crazy. I thought to myself - why would anyone treat such a beautiful kind person this way? And I wanted to show her that she deserved to be treated better. Maybe I should have recognized her past pattern as a warning sign.

I started going into therapy about a year into the relationship - I suffer from depression, but the therapy sessions quickly became about coping and communication strategies regarding her. At one point she even asked to come see my therapist with me - which I agreed to. She told the therapist she felt so guilty for the way she treated me, and that it all stemmed from her resentment over things I'd said years before. Therapist asked what she wanted - she said she didn't want to run away, but wanted some space to get over the resentment. I agreed. Two days later she's asking me if I want to go to her parents beach house with her - to which I said no, she asked for space and I wanted her to take it so she could work through her resentment. We go back into my therapists office and she angrily tells the therapist I'm not giving her space. We went through a handful of sessions with the therapist, same pattern, and I finally broke and said I couldn't take it anymore. That was our second breakup. A few weeks later we were back together.

Eventually we both moved to a different city (but were still living in separate places.) Stayed together there for a year, but things became strained - and the drunken lash outs continued. She wasn't in any type of therapy and things continued to get worse, to the point where she would accuse me of something (for example not being a friend to her best friend), I'd give examples of me doing so, then she'd scream at me that she never accused me of not trying to be her friend - followed by calling me crazy and that I was making things up. At one point she even recorded a phone conversation, and listened to it the next day - and admitted she had in fact made the initial accusation - but she swept it under the rug.

She was ALWAYS the victim. If not overtly, then a victim of her own guilt. There were times when she'd break me to the point of tears, and the few times I cried she would scream at me for making her feel guilty.

Finally in early January, everything's been fine - then on a Saturday she tells me she's running errands for her sister's bachelorette party and grabbing drinks with her girlfriend that night. She stops responding to my texts the rest of the day - I started to worry if she was okay, so I check Facebook messenger and see she'd been active an hour ago. I had hit a breaking point (silent treatment was one of her tactics), and wrote an email to her saying I was done. That was around midnight. Around 3am police show up at my door - say that my "ex" girlfriend had called saying I sent her a suicide note. I invited them in, showed them the email I'd sent, they read it - and then apologize for bothering me. I texted her in shock - she simply responds, "Sorry for being dramatic. But I guess it's obvious we've both said our goodbyes then."

I was so angry I just cut away from her, but she also had a bunch of my things - including a laptop that had old tax documents and things on it. So about a month later I emailed her asking if she could send my laptop back to me - she responds and says she wants to bring it to my office. I agree. She meets me in the lobby in the morning and she said she needed to be somewhere but we could talk for a few minutes. I asked her what the hell happened? She tells me I'm toxic, we never had any chemistry and that she'd met someone else a few weeks before that all happened. This was so hurtful because the last time I'd seen her in person (the Friday before Christmas), we'd spent a great night together, exchanged christmas gifts, and she woke me up in the morning with a kiss before I helped her get a cab to the train station to go back to her parents house for the holidays. This meant she had already started seeing someone else when she's spent that night with me.

I was literally floored from this interaction - it was like talking to a different person, with a whole different reality. Four years and no chemistry? I kept asking her - four years and you really couldn't just face me and have a conversation? She got mad at me, and said I "tricked" her into meeting with her with the laptop (even though she is the one who wanted to meet me to give it to me).

Since then we've had a few brief exchanges on social. The last one ended with me asking if we could just have a conversation for closure - that the four years meant a lot to me, and I was struggling with being just literally dropped like that. She responded with "I'm really sorry for the way things happened, but I feel they had to end that way. We were on a rollercoaster and I needed to get off. Please don't contact me again."

That was end of April, I blocked her on all my social, tried to start healing and tried to move on. I went back to my therapist (in the first city who'd seen both of us) to try and make sense of it all. That's when he told me people with this disorder - you can't make sense out of. So I asked him what specific disorder he was referring to - and he said borderline. Things started to make more sense - he referred to the constant push and pull, the lack of self and the feelings being fact. He made it clear he felt bad for her because she's in constant emotional pain, and she'll need lifelong therapy. But he also made it very clear I needed to look within myself and figure out why I allowed myself to put up with it all for so long, which was what I tried to focus on and work on.

I did more research, and it all started to make perfect sense - particularly the whole feeling like I was all to blame for everything, and being in this weird state of knowing something was true - but having her be so adamant that it wasn't that it made me feel crazy. But I was starting to get her out of my head.

Then, out of the blue, this week I get a call from a lawyer who says he's representing her. Apparently she's telling him that I had demanded $5k from her or I was going to publicly publish nude photos of her? I assured him that wasn't true, that I didn't have any nude photos of her, and I didn't even understand where this was coming from.

My wounds certainly weren't healed, but there were at least scabs forming over them. This completely ripped it all off. I am absolutely stunned. I get it that it's a disorder, but why would she go to a lawyer two months after we agreed not to communicate with one another? What could possibly be her goal?

I'm angry and hurt, I've been going through the hurt for six months - and the farther I get away from the relationship, the more I realize the TRUE hurt was from the four years of push/pull, drunken lash outs, deceit, lies, gaslighting.

How do you all separate the disorder from the person? I mean, I know somewhere inside she's a good person who's hurt - and I'd prefer to feel compassion and empathy towards her, instead of anger towards her. I know she's hurting inside, but I'm also incredibly hurt from what she put me through. What have you all done to find compassion between those things?

How do you stave off the isolation? I felt isolated all through the relationship - I never wanted to tell others (besides my therapist) how she was acting because I knew they'd think poorly of her - which is ironic because I now know she was painting me in horrible ways to her friends and family. But now being out of it - I feel isolated because when I try to explain to others what I'm going through, I think the whole thing's too crazy for anyone to understand or relate to. They just say - you dodged a bullet, what if you'd had kids with her. Which is true and fair...but I struggle more with: was any of the past four years real? I still struggle with blaming myself - not just about things I could have done better to respond to her actions, but also why did I stay with her so long. 

How have you all processed your experiences and worked through them? Any advice? I found these boards by accident and reading others stories has been very helpful (which is a big reason I decided to share mine.) Beyond our ordeals though - I don't want to focus on what I've been through, but how to grow from it. Looking for any advice on that front?

[totheflow]

Hi Gizmo,

Sounds like a very bumpy ride. Sorry to hear. I'm in a similar place as you are now. I'm no expert on this stuff and a lot of people on this board have more knowledge on the topic than me, but here's my two cents from someone who is going through it now.

Checking out these boards and reading the material on this site has helped me a lot. Stick with that and seeing your therapist as well.

I know how much it sucks, but you can learn a lot from this. Maybe inside she is a good person and hurting, but also a lot of things happened in that relationship that you have every right to be angry about. Maybe someday you can have compassion for her, but right now allow yourself to feel those natural human feelings and be angry. It's something that you will need to feel in order to heal.

I can relate to struggling with blaming yourself. I think many people around here have went through that. I still struggle with it a good bit and have started 2 threads to try and deal with it. You are only human, and we all make mistakes. But when you are in a relationship like this your mistakes are really amplified. Try and not be so hard on yourself. You did the best you could with what you had. Sounds like you were able to forgive her for her mistakes and unfortunately, I think many times a pwBPD is not able to do the same.

Stick with your therapist. He is correct in saying that you need to look at yourself now and figure out why you stayed etc. That is one of the important take-aways of these types of relationships. Why did you stay? How do you feel about yourself? What do you think you deserve? What are your boundaries? Do you like yourself? This stuff dates back to childhood and I think now is your time to deal with it all. It'll be hard and won't happen fast, but it's worth it. Focus on building a stronger sense of self and self love. My therapist put it as "you need to get to know yourself". I've found meditation and writing helpful. Anyways, welcome. Keep your head up.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Gizmo7247,

Welcome to the boards, you're in the right place. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time. Rest assured you'll find alot of help and support on these boards.

First of all let me say that you're not going mad, it really did happen and more than likely you have been gaslighted for a large portion of those 4.5 years and don't know whether you're coming or going. That is precisely my experience with my recent ex.

How do you stave off the isolation? I felt isolated all through the relationship - I never wanted to tell others (besides my therapist) how she was acting because I knew they'd think poorly of her - which is ironic because I now know she was painting me in horrible ways to her friends and family. But now being out of it - I feel isolated because when I try to explain to others what I'm going through, I think the whole thing's too crazy for anyone to understand or relate to. They just say - you dodged a bullet, what if you'd had kids with her. Which is true and fair...but I struggle more with: was any of the past four years real? I still struggle with blaming myself - not just about things I could have done better to respond to her actions, but also why did I stay with her so long.  

One of my biggest issues now is that I feel lonely without my borderline ex. I became so emotionally dependent on her that I didn't see my friends as often as I should have and wanted to spend every waking hour with her. She told me that she felt the same - which was true - until she didn't.

I also struggle to sift through what was real and what wasn't. When we first met, she ws like the perfect partner. Loving, respectful, complimentary, sexually into me and told me I was the big love of her life. What she was in fact doing was mirroring everything I was doing and saying to her. I don't think the person I fell in love with actually ever existed. It didn't take too long into the relationship for the devaluation to start and she called me a Narcissist on a daily basis. 11 months later and she has cut me off and become completely hostile. Like you, I have tried to make sense out of it but there really is no sense in any of it. She has no rational means of expressing what happens in her world. All I know is at the end, I was the problem. We were supposed to be going on holiday together at her request and I paid a £1,000 for a trip to Greece. She promised me should would pay half and now she has not only pulled out of the holiday but refused to pay anything. That is the head of a person with BPD. She has painted me black because upon reconnecting after a one month break, she tried to impose her version of what the relationship should be. Any kind of questioning or desire for discussion from me was met with absolute fury. I don't think she ever really loved me. I think I served a need in her life for emotional neediness and physical closeness. When her shame kicked in the physical side of the relationship stopped.

Everybody tells me that I dodged a bullet too. That was before the holiday fiasco. I made the mistake of going back and giving her further opportunities to vent her rage and to hurt me. It hurts to say this but the person I thought I loved isn't her.  It's a construct of a person she knows will be able to get what she needs from a man. She always played the victim and constantly accused me of all sorts of reprehensible behaviour which confused me and put me constantly on the back foot. The truth is that I became her victim, she diminished me.

In your case I suggest you read suggested materials on this website and keep reading and commenting on the boards. There is a great deal of insight here and a metaphorical arm around the shoulder to ease your distress. Good luck on your journey of understanding. I suggest you focus on yourself now. You deserve some love and care.

RF

[gizmo7247]

Thank you totheflow. I'm sorry you're going through the same now. I agree that reading through the content on this site has been incredibly helpful. And what you said about your mistakes being amplified in these relationships really resonates with me. I think that's a hard part for me - I still beat myself up about some of the ways I reacted.

It's been six months since the final break up, and I can genuinely say it's gotten better. The first three months were horrific. I think, for me, the logic was that - if someone could discard me so easily and treat me like nothing, then I must be worthless. It took me awhile to understand the flaws in that logic - nevertheless I'm still working on reconstructing my self-esteem after everything.

I lost 30 pounds in the first month, from depression and from something she'd said towards the end. A few months before our final breakup she, out of nowhere, lashed out at me at a bar that I wasn't losing weight for the right reasons - for vanity, not to be healthy.  (I'd been going to the gym the previous year and trying to get in shape.) She kept berating and attacking me for it, and when I shut down, she pulled a knife out of my kitchen drawer and threatened to cut her wrist. I was able to diffuse and get her to calm down and go to sleep, but her comments really affected me more than I realized. Having my getting in shape mocked as vane by someone who was supposed to love and be happy for me, on top of someone who was bulimic, really shook me up inside. I think that's a big part of why I lost so much weight (by basically stopping eating) the first month.

But after the first few months I started to get to a point where I started asking more whys. Why had I allowed myself to be treated that way? Why did I believe I didn't deserve better? Why had I been so attached to her? I can't describe the bond - it's unlike anything I've ever felt. I think eventually I started to understand that there was a deep need within me (or a believe maybe) that I was valued when I was needed - and she always needed me to save her, to comfort her, to calm her, etc.

I don't know - then her lawyer called this week with her latest allegations, and it just opened up the wounds. I just don't understand what she could possibly get out of it, or why she would do something like that? After everything she did, after breaking up with me and all the pain she created - after months of not having any contact...why wouldn't she just leave me alone? I just don't understand what she has to gain from any of it?

It's weird - on one hand I am angry, of course I'm angry - she's making crazy allegations, and still trying to affect my life. But on the other hand - there's still this deep part of me that sympathizes with her, recognizes her actions are coming from some deep pain. Then that makes me feel stupid and pathetic - why can't I just hate her. I should hate her.

I keep going back to what my therapist says, "You're trying to apply logic to someone who's illogical. It's impossible." I get it intellectually, but emotionally is a whole other story.

[gizmo7247]

Thank you RF, and I'm sorry you went through that as well.

The mirroring part has been one of the hardest pieces for me to process. Does the person I fell in love with even exist? I imagine her out in that world as a completely different person, mirroring someone else, as a totally different personality. It's like I have all these wonderful memories of us - but were they even real? I don't know how to explain it. Does she even remember those memories?

The gaslighting was also horrendous - I came to realize she wasn't lying per se, she actually believed her own lies. She was so adamant about her reality that it made me question mine...and I always ended up blaming myself, and believing I was the one always at fault. I think because I isolated myself and kept quiet about everything, it just made it worse.

I knew logically what was happening was wrong, but I'd always empathetically bend and try to cater to her. I don't know how to explain it...logically I knew all her "guilt" was just about her, and unless she changed her behavior it didn't mean anything to me. But I just hung on, kept hoping her behavior would change - I chalk that up to I loved her. But I think that's a cop out, and there's something more deeply flawed within me that I need to discover, understand and mend.

Even when she met with my therapist and expressed how guilty she felt about the way she'd been treating me - she never inquired, or asked how I felt. The whole stint through therapy was her talking about how guilty she felt, or how much resentment she had, or how hard it was to express her feelings. Looking back, I don't know why I couldn't see it.

[Wicker Man]

They just say - you dodged a bullet

When my therapist said this very thing to me... I thought about it for a moment and answered 'I didn't dodge it -I got hit hard... It just missed core mass so it wasn't a lethal shot.'  I felt bloodied and broken to be sure.

I have all these wonderful memories of us - but were they even real? I don't know how to explain it. Does she even remember those memories?

I believe unequivocally yes -the memories were real.  This is the mind snapping part of the disorder, in my opinion, my ex was completely earnest in her love for me, in her hatred for me, and when she forgot about us from time to time I believe she really forgot.  She had equal passion in all of her states.  Ironically it has driven me to dichotomous thinking and hyperbole -everything with her was deepest darkness, or brilliant light, pain or bliss, heaven or hell.

I describe her as a leaf blown in an emotional maelstrom.  She had no plan, no premeditated evil -but I can certainly understand how her horrendous coping mechanisms might appear evil, full of intent or planned -however as I thought about my anecdotal experience I now believe I was witnessing someone desperate to stop pain and avoid shame at all cost.  The sad irony -many of her coping mechanisms result in shame -rage, destruction of property, promiscuity, lies to cover up shame.  It caused a vicious cycle.  I certainly saw a fundamental lack of understanding for the notion of causality...

Cognitive distortion, delusion, lapse in memory, crushing depression, NSSI, and out right psychosis were unfortunate and unwanted companions in our relationship.

...she never inquired, or asked how I felt.

From my observation mine had empathy to a level I can not even fully understand -it would present as mind reading.  However -when under stress she could not remember the love and empathy she had toward me.  Once raging she became a fully emotional creature without the governor of rational thought.  She didn't lack compassion -she was just in too much pain to show it --the result?  More shame, more rage -this vicious cycle continued until it ended us.

I am glad you are in therapy to sort this out.  It has certainly been beneficial for me.

I certainly have the deepest pity for her, and I am sad for both of us -but I am not angry with her.  I have been talking to my therapist about this.  She is undiagnosed (I believe her diagnosis of schizophrenia and bi-polar was spurious -other than psychosis under extreme stress there are no other signs of schizophrenia), but I fear in my heart she suffers deeply from BPD  --Assuming this presumption then she was out of control and thus there is no malicious intent... but from a behavioral perspective she acted in an appalling manner.  It is confusing what exactly to think about her -so these days I try not to.

...I get it [trying to apply logic]  intellectually, but emotionally is a whole other story.

I went through the very same issue.  I had never had anyone say things as sweetly as she did... I also never had anyone act in such a destructive manner in a relationship.  The cognitive dissonance of hearing one thing and seeing another is well... damn confusing.  

Further, I believe she felt she needed love -I had never had another significant other say the needed me in so many words.  But even with her believing she needed me she could not keep the notion of our love straight in her head (lacking object consistency).  That is the hardest part for me to comprehend -it makes building a foundation for a loving healthy relationship impossible (or at least really unlikely).  It is like the movie Groundhog day!  Each day it is like she just met me... Somedays she liked me and others... well... less so...

[totheflow]

Hey Gizmo,

Hope today is a good day for you. I am right there with you on beating yourself up still about the relationship. Guess we will learn to ease up on ourselves and find compassion as we go. It's not easy when someone is constantly telling you that, YOU are the problem. We will get there.

I know exactly what you mean when you describe that "bond". It's weird, but it's a connection that seems so natural. My T explained that, that can be big red flag. It's what feels familiar to us and most likely dates back to childhood. I'm reading a booked called "The human magnet syndrome" which sheds some light on this. Why do we love people who hurt us? Check it out. We are most likely the caretaker / rescuer type and I completely get it when you say how valued you felt when she needed you. I felt the same.

So sorry to hear about the BS allegations she had made against you. She's hitting you when you are down. I'd take this as a sign as to what kind of person she is. She is showing you exactly who she is right now. Honestly, how could any of this have to do with pain she is feeling? IDK.. maybe it does. But to me it seems like she is trying to hurt you. My ex broke up with me over a text while I was taking a solo vacation and then told me she hopes I enjoy my time there. How the heck could anyone enjoy a vacation after something like that? Like who does this stuff? This stuff is crazy making and makes zero sense.

I'd agree with your therapist. Trying to have a logical relationship with someone who is illogical is impossible. I hear you though, I'm right there with you working through this stuff as well.Keep moving forward !

[reeef1992]

r. eventually we both moved to a different city (but were still living in separate places.) Stayed together there for a year, but things became strained - and the drunken lash outs continued. She wasn't in any type of therapy and things continued to get worse, to the point where she would accuse me of something (for example not being a friend to her best friend), I'd give examples of me doing so, then she'd scream at me that she never accused me of not trying to be her friend - followed by calling me crazy and that I was making things up. At one point she even recorded a phone conversation, and listened to it the next day - and admitted she had in fact made the initial accusation - but she swept it under the rug.

She was ALWAYS the victim. If not overtly, then a victim of her own guilt. There were times when she'd break me to the point of tears, and the few times I cried she would scream at me for making her feel guilty.

I can relate to this so much. I always felt I was the one destroying the relationship, as they were able to play victim so well, and if they hurt me, it wouldn't be an apology, it'd be "I did that because YOU..."

[Leonis]

Good gosh,

The victim and seemingly out of nowhere accusations seem to fit perfectly with a lot of people's experiences here.

[gizmo7247]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for everyone's support and words. I took a break for a bit, to get away from thinking about the pwBPD I had been dating. Her lawyer did call back a week later, and I firmly told him I refused to participate in any of this - and would appreciate if they would all just leave me alone. Shockingly, her own lawyer again told me he believed she had "issues." Haven't heard anything from him since. Hopefully that's the end of that.

Crazy and sad - someone I loved so much, and who I thought loved me, so ashamed and incapable of facing their own actions that they instead had to demonize me. Honestly, psychotically. That's when it hit me:

There's a post by a member 2010 (who I don't think posts anymore) about the arrow and the wound...and it resonated with me. About how it's natural for us to want to understand the arrow, but focusing on the arrow doesn't help us heal the wound. Further - I fully recognize that my wounds are deeper than her, it was my deeper wounds that probably made me vulnerable to her to begin with.

So after the last lawyer call I realized how crazy it all was. There's no point in trying to understand her, it doesn't matter. What matters is me. Accept this all, and make a decision about who I want to be from here. I want to heal my deeper wounds, and find inner peace and happiness. And maybe, just maybe, I'll end up being grateful to my ex-BPD for being the catalyst that forced me to look within for happiness and realize I could not find it externally.

I've received some great advice here, and from a few other spots, so I wanted to share some things that have helped. I dove pretty much head first into it all, so apologies for the abundance. But maybe some of this will help others too:

• The book Upside by Jim Rendon. Someone recommended it to me here. It was incredible. I read through it quickly, and it made me realize that I can grow from this trauma, and that this trauma doesn't have to "haunt" me. It was ripe with tangible examples and areas to focus on.
• Meditation. I downloaded Calm and use it every day (sometimes more often.) I've always been resistant to meditation, but it's helped more than I could imagine. It's helped me accept my thoughts and emotions...refocus them and be aware of them, instead of them controlling me. The practice helps when I'm not meditating - throughout the day when memories or scars from her trickle in, I don't try to fight them. I'm aware of them, and refocus them. Certainly no expert on this front yet, but I have to say the daily meditating has been probably the most helpful of all.
• Daily Future-Self Journaling. I picked this up from somewhere else. I take ten minutes every morning and write out about who I want to become, what thought patterns I'm going to focus on shifting today. It's been helpful to really sit and think about what I'm going to work on.
• Daily Journaling About the Trauma. I picked this up from the Upside book. Every night I take 15-20 minutes and write out my thoughts about what I'm still experiencing, what I'm still grappling with, what I'm learning from it. It's helpful - particularly because one of the biggest issues from it all was that no one else seemed to understand or even have a clue about the gravity of the trauma she caused within me. Honestly, this board is one of the very few places where people do get it. So writing out every night has helped me process, and get those emotions out of me.
• Therapy. I had been going to therapy weekly for two years - but when I moved to this new city, I stopped. I've restarted now. Not to talk about her or what she did, but to talk about me and the deeper wounds underneath. I'm committed to healing and becoming a better person, and having a therapist to "coach" me and keep me honest is going to be imperative.
• Working Out. I've worked out for years, but I've become more committed to it. Part of it is the physiological affects - I've long suffered depression, and I know exercise is a huge anecdote to the depression. But I also realize she destroyed my self-esteem, and working out helps build that self esteem back up. It may sound vain, but seeing myself in the mirror getting in better shape helps tremendously.
• Play. I took out my DSLR camera and have been forcing myself to go out every other day, maybe even for 30 minutes, to just shoot whatever I see. It forces me to see details, to see the present, for photos. It takes my mind off of the past. It helps tremendously.
• Don't Isolate. I forced myself to go out with friends, to make new friends, I even joined a weekly game night with new friends. The social aspect is so important, it's helping me build new memories on top of the old bad ones. And it's reminding me that I have so much more of life to live, that she and her trauma will not define me, or be my story.
• Podcasts. I live in a busy city and walk to work. So podcasts and headphones are a necessity. I started listening to more positive podcasts like Happier, and The One You Feed. Again, maybe it sound stupid - but focusing my attention on what I can improve in my life I find to be more focusing on the wound, instead of pointlessly focusing on the arrow.

I know it'll be a long journey, and I'm sorry if any of this came off as preachy. That certainly is not my intention. I am still deeply hurt and still have nights where I wake up and can't sleep, moments where I have anxiety and get paralyzed. But I just made a decision that I don't accept that - that I can heal the deeper wounds inside me.

I started to realize that I do want to be truly loved, that I do want to truly love someone - and if I don't heal myself, I'm just going to end up in another similar toxic relationship - probably with another BPD. (I'm the consummate rescuer.) I don't want that to be my life, so unless I heal myself I will never attract what I deserve.

Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly hard. One of the hardest parts is how she mirrored me in the beginning, and I can never forget that feeling she gave me when I felt like we had an other-worldly connection. It's terrifying that I may never feel that again. I may not. And at first I tried to deal with it by being angry, by telling myself it wasn't real. But it was. Even if it wasn't for her, for me it was real. Denying that is denying myself, and isn't helping me process or heal. Anger isn't either. Letting go of the anger isn't for her, it's for me. It's not gone yet, and there are still many moments when I think about what she's doing out there - without a care in the world for the trauma she caused me - and I'm beside myself with anger. But I remind myself that in that anger, she is still controlling me...and she will never control me again. My future is my choice, and it's a choice I remind myself I make every waking moment of every day. I choose to find happiness, and to heal the deeper wounds.

Most of the above I do in the morning. I wake up an hour earlier - I journal, I meditate, I don't turn on the TV but listen to soothing music while I get ready for the day. It's become my respite...and it's helped tremendously. Again, none of this is a quick fix...I stumble constantly. But I remind myself just as constantly that this is a journey.

In the end I don't want to look back and be angry at her, or hate her, or resent her for all the pain, trauma, suffering and abuse she inflicted upon me.

In the end I want to be grateful to her for being the catalyst that finally sent me on this journey to heal myself, and to find happiness within myself.

To everyone reading this - what was done to you is not fair, it was not right, it was heart breaking and soul crushing. We were used, even if we are flawed rescuers. And after all the abuse we suffered through - we were gaslit in the end, and told it was our fault - often times our abuser demonized us to others. Because we are good people, we questioned ourselves. We blamed ourselves. The trauma we felt can only be understood by us - those who have never gone through this can't even begin to understand. And that's okay.

I first asked how do I find compassion instead of anger for her. But that was a flawed question. She's the arrow. The arrow doesn't matter. The real question is how do I find compassion for myself? How do I heal these wounds, not just the ones she caused - but the ones she saw in me at the beginning as my vulnerability.

I genuinely love all of you, and am so dreadfully sorry that you have, or are, going through this. I am also incredibly grateful to every one of you for sharing, for extending me words and advice, for just being there and listening.

I hope something above helps each of you, as I have found so much help in these boards.

The arrow will always be the arrow, that's what a person with BPD is. But our wounds don't always have to be our wounds, we can make a choice to heal them.