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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: Daughters behaviour  (Read 545 times)
Longterm
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« on: June 27, 2019, 01:38:20 PM »

Hi all.

I've posted a lot about my ex and her issues. I have thought she is BPD for quite a while and recently she told me she thinks she is BPD too without me ever mentioning it.

My daughter who lives with me has a history of self harm that goes back many years. She also has sexual promiscuity and drug abuse amongst other traits.

Me and her mom split nearly 2 yrs ago and she was rejected by her mom in a big way. They have never had a good relationship. Initially she was in a very bad way but over time she improved to the point where he drug use became almost nil, she got a job, bf, and has been much happier, no self harming in over a year to my knowledge.

Recently her mother slowly broke me down over the course of 3 months and promised me and the kids the world then did a complete 180 within days and dropped us all on our heads after 2 months. We have all been very low.

My daughter's drug use has increased, she is drinking and has just told me she is cheating and lying to her bf. She said she knows her behaviour is messed up but she feels she cannot stop it or control herself. I'm unsure if she is cutting but as you can imagine I'm freaking out. She has counselling booked but it's a good 4mths away. She said she needs help right now but I'm unsure what to do.

I'm in the UK, should I contact a Dr? A walk in centre? CMHT? A hospital?

Any advice would be most welcome, thanks.
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« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2019, 04:14:57 PM »

Hello Longterm
I am so sorry to hear your daughter is not doing well. She does seem to have some self insight though and that is hopeful and she is open to therapy which is great. I am across the pond as they say so I don't know your system. But there are other Brits here who can probably advise you about how to navigate your health care system. I just want to encourage you to stay strong and keep hoping. Better days are coming.
Hugs
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Longterm
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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2019, 04:42:55 PM »

Hi faith.

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, she is fairly insightful and said earlier that she's acting like her mom and it's not good. She does see similarities and has said she will do anything to avoid becoming her mom.

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« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2019, 05:03:26 PM »

That is VERY insightful. I hope she gets what she needs soon.
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« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2019, 05:31:22 PM »

hi Longterm,

i can only imagine the impact that all of this has had on your daughter. it must be heartbreaking for you.

Excerpt
I have thought she is BPD for quite a while and recently she told me she thinks she is BPD too without me ever mentioning it.

can you clarify for us whether youre referring to your ex or your daughter here? my advice would depend a lot on it.
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Longterm
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« Reply #5 on: June 27, 2019, 05:45:56 PM »

Hi once removed.

Yes, I have tried for many many years to try and fix that relationship but I gave up when my daughter suffered that huge rejection late 2017. My ex is angry at her because she represents her giving her life up at a young age. They never bonded and this has been going on for 18yrs. Any effort on my exes part was always half hearted, I think she only "tried" to shut me up.

I was referring to my ex but my daughter has said in the past that she believes she may be bpd and she thinks her mom is too.

I spoke to her on the phone just and she asked me to take her somewhere to see someone, she started telling me things I didn't know but always thought. Self loathing etc.
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« Reply #6 on: June 27, 2019, 05:59:56 PM »

we teach DBT tools/skills here. they can go a long way to help you, and your daughter...as well as helping you help your daughter.

first and foremost, it sounds like she needs what anyone would: someone to listen without judgment, and to validate her feelings. support.

counseling may be four months off, but as a family member, there is a lot you can do to support her.

im gonna throw a lot atcha here...take a look through some of these resources, see which you think might be good to invest in:

it sounds like shes confiding in you a great deal, and thats great, it suggests theres a lot of trust in your relationship. these would be especially good to jump into, in terms of just being there for her, listening, and creating the space for her to talk.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation
the power of asking validating questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

id tread lightly here, and not sound like youre just tossing a remedy at her (you know her best, read the situation), but if she is looking for something to help her cope in the meantime ahead of counseling, this could help: https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

what do you think?
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Longterm
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« Reply #7 on: June 27, 2019, 06:51:53 PM »

first and foremost, it sounds like she needs what anyone would: someone to listen without judgment, and to validate her feelings. support.

Yes, this. We sit many hours talking about this and that. I do judge at times but I am her father and I feel like it is important to just give it her straight at times. Maybe moving forward this could be something I work on. It is difficult but I fully understand what you are saying. Other family members feel as though she needs a mother, she has never had that, it was always me that did the talking to the kids, the emotional stuff.


it sounds like shes confiding in you a great deal, and thats great, it suggests theres a lot of trust in your relationship.

We have always had a very good relationship. She can talk to me about anything apart from girl stuff, I send her to her nan or auntie for that kind of stuff. She can rage and be very horrible at times but never to me, I feel as though she treasures our relationship.


counseling may be four months off, but as a family member, there is a lot you can do to support her

I am listening, I am at work but will be reading through the links you provided. Thank you.

I have been treading quietly for a long time. When this all imploded and I got my answers I could see clear as day the damage done and this is why I sacrificed so much for a new home. I know I can provide stability and a much more emotionally safer environment for the kids. I listened for hours and hours at a time to my daughter talk about her relationship with her mom and her feelings surrounding it along with other relationships which she has by her own admission destroyed. She understands she has a destructive pattern and looked online a good while back and showed me links and videos she had seen explaining her behaviour. I always kept tight lipped and have suggested many times that she needs counselling but I cannot force her. This latest episode of her mom's I feel has finally tipped her over the edge and freaked her out to the point that she is ready to explore her own damage sustained. I know I cannot do it for her but I am proud of the fact that she wants to change her behaviour. She is adamant she will not end up like her mom. She has lived through it all and is very closed off from wanting children right now because she is scared of how she might treat them. She shows huge logic and maturity at times but she knows there is another side to her she needs help with.

I'll also be looking at that workbook.

I think she needs help. I am worried about her self harming again, not to mention drugs. I have asked her how she feels about me contacting the CMHT (community mental health team) tomorrow and she said she wants me to.

Being around her mother has not helped I feel and I have to take responsibility here, this latest episode is literally all my fault.

She has utter hatred for her mom right now so at least I know she will stay away for a while, my daughter needs to regroup, I think we all do.
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« Reply #8 on: June 27, 2019, 07:50:23 PM »

That workbook sounds amazing. I think I will order that plus maybe for my son too. I think it could really help them.

The validation too comes in very handy. I had previously read about it before and have use it in regards to my codependancy issues and also in talking to the kids, it's all about the little changes I feel.
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« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2019, 09:33:19 PM »

Long term,
You sound like such a dedicated, concerned, nurturing father. Your DD is fortunate to have you fighting for her and her stability. Your compassion is so apparent in your post. Maybe the Community MH worker can do counseling in the interim and help teach your DD the DBT coping skills. Im also wondering if there may be some type of online DBT group. This sounds like a great time to move forward since your DD is seeking help. That’s huge. Best wishes and keep posting.
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« Reply #10 on: June 28, 2019, 12:15:07 AM »

Hi Peacemom.

Thanks for the encouraging words, I really appreciate it.

I feel like I don't know what I'm doing most days though and that's the truth. It has been a ridiculous 4-5yrs I would say. I know the kids look up to me and I think they see me as being very strong but the reality is I'm not and it is getting more and more difficult for me to pretend. They keep asking me if I'm ok so I think they are starting to see cracks appearing. But what can one do? They need me now maybe more than they ever will.

It's 6am here (I work nights) I will be up all day but hopefully I can get my daughter seen by somebody today. With counselling being a 20 week wait I can see me being unsuccessful but try I will.

It still blows me away the affect of BPD. So much pain and suffering to all connected to them. The results are devastating and I would wish it on nobody.
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #11 on: June 28, 2019, 11:41:40 AM »

I agree with everything you say here. It’s a very confusing existence for us parents. I have started being more honest with my kids about not knowing the answers and feeling frustrated. I think they saw me a hypocritical when I was trying to hold it all together.

You can honestly be your own best friend and your own support system on some levels. There is a Doctor here in Texas that has done years of research on self compassion and empathy VS self esteem. She teaches how to practice self compassion. We are typically not very nice to ourselves. Her name is Dr. Kristin Neff.

I suspect you and many others here might benefit from watching her Ted Talks.
It helps because when we speak to ourselves kindly, it naturally transfers to those around us. It’s all about Validation, which is what everyone seeks at their core. TGIF
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« Reply #12 on: June 28, 2019, 02:25:20 PM »

Hi peacemom.

I hear you and i will be sure to have a look at her videos, thanks for that.

I was talking to a friend at work last night and he actually highlighted this for me. He said i constantly criticise myself and i need to be kinder to myself and that at some point i have to start looking after my own mental health. I have done many things today but non involved ME, at some point this has to change.

I could not get anybody to see my daughter but i did manage to get in touch with a mental health crisis team. They asked me many questions and her too. We came to the conclusion that she is severely depressed and dissociated. They are hopefully going to get her seen by a psychiatrist between 2 days and 2 weeks. Our health system is literally at its limits right now. For the meantime she had a video chat appointment this afternoon and has got a prescription for anti-d's. I already thought she was on them but it turns out her meds were only for anxiety, i thought any meds treated both? They spoke to me and her about recent and past behaviour and they said there seems to be self destructive patterns and they asked if she has ever been diagnosed with anything apart from depression/anxiety. I said no and they were quite brutal in their assessment that they feel there has been a lack of real investigation into her suicidal ideation. My daughter told them about recent events and they spoke to me about it and suggested she has limited to no contact with her mom if possible because there is a link that suggests her mom triggers her destructive behaviours. This is not a problem right now as my daughter is very angry at her. We have had a good chat and she is ok as of now. I have suggested she do something calming and creative so she has been drawing and listening to music. We have plans tomorrow (swimming) so that should be good for her too. It is clear to me she is suffering cognitive dissonance too in regards to her mom, ive told her she needs to try and concentrate on herself and getting back to a better place.

My son has also been having issues and i took him to a walk in centre today. He is suffering insomnia and reactive depression bought on by PTS and family disarray. He is very quiet and withdrawn but (unless hes lying) no thoughts of self harm/suicide. He doesnt say a lot, hes not the acting out kind and thats what makes me worry about him because he struggles to show his emotions. He is a lot like me in regards to his behaviour, he is the people pleaser type, he is honestly the nicest lad you could ever meet. Im pretty sure he has dissonance too but i think i may be creating this with the things i say. I have told them many times that their mother doesnt see the things she does and they shouldnt take it personally and they say things like "look at how she has treated us". It is difficult but i dont think expressing anger will solve anything. I am angry believe me but again, what can one do? He has a follow up appointment on monday so we shall see what they say but the dr today made it clear that he needs some mental health support besides his counselling.

I will see my 10yr old tomorrow and no doubt he will talk to me about the issues hes been having with sleep/school/mom etc.

It just goes on and on.
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« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2019, 03:00:46 PM »

Hello Longterm  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm in the UK, London and been through NHS spinning wheel, been there done it, and more with my DD. The good news is there is help. I'm just reading your post, and your history.  I'll be back shortly.

Are you working nights this weekend, hope not! 

WDx
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« Reply #14 on: June 28, 2019, 03:21:20 PM »

Hi Wendy.

Yes, the NHS is pretty much on it's knees at present. A Drs appointment at our local surgery is currently over 3 weeks.

If your going to read my history it might be best to get comfortable , it really is a mess.

Not nights weekends no, I work Saturday mornings though.
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« Reply #15 on: June 28, 2019, 05:07:17 PM »

Longterm,
There is no quick fix only small baby steps forward. Since you mentioned that a friend commented on your lack of self care, my thought is put yourself first a few times this weekend. Do this in front of your kids. It’s really scary to our kids when they see us lacking fortitude. Just hearing an honest chuckle or seeing a genuine smile can create a sense of security in a shaky kid.
The quiet, pleaser-type boys really do internalize. I have one son like that. He started having panic attacks that hospitalized him as a college freshman. Looking back, I wish we would have shown him how to get angry in a healthy way.
As to the meds for your DD, I hope they will help her take the edge off. So many pwBPD self medicate because they can’t sit with their high/low emotions. Sounds like the baby steps have started in your family. Here’s to brighter days ahead!
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« Reply #16 on: June 29, 2019, 02:42:32 AM »

Hi Peacemom.

I hear what your saying about putting myself first but the question that arises is how do I do that? When I was with the ex my life was literally all about keeping her happy and calm whilst dealing with all and any issues. Since I'm on my own now all I do is try and sort out issues with the kids. I work all week and spend time with the kids weekends. Last weekend I did go to my cousins for a bit for a chat, I did enjoy that. Do you mean doing things like this?

I do smile around them and I love spending time with them but it's my mood that's the problem, it tends to go up and down. When it's up its all good but when it's down they notice and it's very difficult to put a front on.

My lad does get angry. When he lived with his mom he was a ball of anger and everything he said was negative, I was very worried about him at 1 point. he went to his nan's before coming to me (I was saving for a place) and since has lost his anger, but not towards his mom.

I think you are right with what you said about not being able to sit with high/low emotions. She was in a very bad place when her mom kicked her out, I mean a really bad place. She was doing class A drugs and self harming. I expected to come home one day and find her dead, I'm not joking here. I managed to convince her that she had to help herself, that nobody could do it for her and she did very well. When her mom came back she told her and us all that she knows the way she has treated us is wrong and she wants to fix the broken relationships, she even mentioned renewing marriage vows, she said she was 100% committed to fixing the family and getting help. She even told our daughter that she wants them to do joint counselling to build a more healthier mutual relationship. If you read my other posts you will see that when it came down to doing the work and taking accountability she balked and ran back off to the bf (a convicted rapist). Her and my daughter had an argument a few weeks ago and she asked her mom how could she come back and say all those things and then simply destroy our family again, he mom replied "I don't care". That bit right there did the damage. The day after my daughter told her bf "you need to get away from Me, I'm going to hurt you". Alarm bells ringing in my head.

The baby steps you speak of are constantly set back as their mom continues to hurt them and me on a consistent basis. Every time there's a bit of breathing space she says/does something to cause drama/disruption. This has been going on for quite some time and I am sick to death of it.

I cannot imagine how she makes them feel I can only relate by how she makes me feel, and it's not good.

I have woke today and my daughter is not home, I have no idea where she is or what she's doing. What I do know though is that she is hurting right now and it Is likely to get worse before it gets better.

I wish my ex would disappear and leave us alone.
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« Reply #17 on: June 29, 2019, 07:05:17 AM »

Longterm,

Your situation is Complex for sure. You are doing so much on your own to anchor your family as the stable parent. From what you describe, it really seems like you might benefit from counseling.

Not sure how things work over there, but can you get on a list to see a T? The notion of Radical Acceptance helps us accept the aspects of the BPD disease and working with a T can help with the feeling of being overwhelmed.

 My T gave me practical solutions to my own struggles like taking a “forest bath” where I was to go on a 30 min walk 3 times a week. While walking I was to focus on each of my senses -smells, sights, sounds, breezes/warmth. This is a therapeutic example of mindfulness and brings immediate relief. Studies have shown this to be highly effective in reducing stress and bringing up mood.

I have a tough time sitting with pain and it has taken me years to learn to self soothe in an effective way. One being Dr. Kristin Neff’s lesson on Self Compassion. It’s fairly simple, but takes practice. Once, I became more steady and was sleeping well, I was able to make some choices for myself and set some mental boundaries based on my core values.

Have you had some success distancing your fam from ex? Could you try to set some boundaries for yourself regarding your ex? Possibly, limiting contact or choosing  not to discuss reconciliation?

Also, when our pwBPD begins to escalate and cycle, I consider this and assume crisis -mode for me and begin my Extreme self care practice. exercise (yoga, walk, swim, bike) , healthy meals, rest, journaling. I also take just one day or a few hours at a time and put long term planning on back burner.

I love the saying “take the next BEST step” as it applies when there is so much instability and uncertainty in my life. I hope you get some rest this weekend and your DD can regulate a bit.
Keep posting as the very act of writing and sharing our struggles is extremely therapeutic.
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« Reply #18 on: June 29, 2019, 07:39:50 AM »

I had another thought-it might be helpful for you to post about your situation with your ex on the other part of this cite as there are many folks who struggle there with ex’s and partners with BPD (both diagnoses and not). From what I read, they have very helpful ideas for boundary setting and co-patenting struggles.
This whole website it just remarkable!
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« Reply #19 on: June 29, 2019, 08:23:44 AM »

Hi LT

Excerpt
Yes, the NHS is pretty much on it's knees at present.
It is. There seem to be differing entry points for our individual situations, I'm glad to hear you were able to speak with your local crisis team and they are planning for a psychiatric appointment, assessment. My advice is to keep calling them for news, make yourself known. It can help escalate your daughter's case and give you both peace of mind, you are determined and doing your very best. How has your daughter she taken the news she will meet with a psychiatrist, for an assessment?

The crisis team helped my daughter, they came for a home visit and then when DD was able to leave the home, she had a series of appointments at our local mental health centre, attached to the hospital. Does your daughter have their number? She can make appointments and go and talk with them, while waiting for the appointment with the psychiatrist, she is not alone. And there is A&E.

Your daughter can also self refer to her local NHS Alcohol and Drug counselling for support. Where are you in the country LT, north, south, east, west?

When my DD was diagnosed in 2015, the head of mental health recommended this book by Blaise Aguirre. She read it in one session, her lightbulb moment, her moment of hope. There is help out there for our children.

Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder: Relieve Your Suffering Using the Core Skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Blaise Aguirre

How are you all doing today?

Small, gentle loving steps.

WDx
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« Reply #20 on: June 29, 2019, 10:41:53 AM »

Hi Peacemom.

You are doing so much on your own to anchor your family as the stable parent. From what you describe, it really seems like you might benefit from counseling. 

I have counselling already sorted, it is a 20 week wait but I've waited over 3 months, I really do need it.


 My T gave me practical solutions to my own struggles like taking a “forest bath” where I was to go on a 30 min walk 3 times a week. While walking I was to focus on each of my senses -smells, sights, sounds, breezes/warmth. This is a therapeutic example of mindfulness and brings immediate relief. Studies have shown this to be highly effective in reducing stress and bringing up mood. 

I really enjoy nature and last year in an effort to make new friends and get out the house I joined the local fishing club. It massively helped me in terms of getting out. Meeting new people was great especially when you find you have things in common. But Yes, being outside is great and I go over there all the time just for a walk. It helped me to calm down whenever I wanted to unload on my ex. I would go for a walk and then change my mind about making contact.

I find it easy to sit with my pain, I enjoy being alone as sad as that sounds. I do understand it's very unhealthy though to do it too much. Part of the problem I feel is that all my friends don't want to know anymore. I completely get where they are coming from though because I'm sick of thinking about it. Non have openly said "I CBA talking about this" but I can tell. Nobody understands the complexity of the issues and the trauma bonding, therapy will help me a tremendous amount I hope.


Have you had some success distancing your fam from ex? Could you try to set some boundaries for yourself regarding your ex? Possibly, limiting contact or choosing  not to discuss reconciliation? 

It is difficult but the fact she doesn't care about them helps. You might think that's harsh but I see what I see. She has been gone 5 weeks now I think and in that time she has made no effort to see my son and daughter, has offered no maintenance and it probably won't change. Even the youngest, she leaves him on his own after school and goes to the bf's overnight, every night. She is living with her mom at present but it says a lot I feel. He is getting fed up of her. But ye, it's not like there's much contact. Besides that, the last time I spoke to her I told her to never contact me again. I pay maintenance for the youngest into her mom's bank account and pick up and drop off is paid for and organised by me directly with my son. This has worked very well in the past and I had not seen or spoke to my ex in 14mths before she started plotting her return.



Also, when our pwBPD begins to escalate and cycle, I consider this and assume crisis -mode for me and begin my Extreme self care practice. exercise (yoga, walk, swim, bike) , healthy meals, rest, journaling. I also take just one day or a few hours at a time and put long term planning on back burner.

I never did this and I think it is important moving forward because I am convinced she will attempt to come back again at some point. I was slowly ground down over the course of 3mths. She used the kids to begin with then I agreed to meet her eventually because she would not leave me alone. She told me she had attempted suicide and that was me hooked. Loads of things she said and I had never seen her be so open and honest, turns out she was lying all along. It's incredibly distressing to think about the things she said, it was incredibly convincing and it bothers me that I was that gullible after everything I have learned.

I have managed to hear from my daughter. She said she is ok but just cannot sit with her thoughts right now and she feels confused that she can't when she could before. I sent her the link to that DBT workbook you suggested and she is keen to have a look, she thinks it can help her so I'm glad about that. I don't know where she is but I have a good guess. She will come back when she's hungry.

In regards to posting on other areas on the site, I have believe me. I have been very up and down since she started to plot her return and I have found much support and help. You are correct, this site is great, people here get it and that's why we find each other I feel


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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #21 on: June 29, 2019, 11:14:23 AM »

Hi Wendy.

My advice is to keep calling them for news, make yourself known. It can help escalate your daughter's case and give you both peace of mind, you are determined and doing your very best. How has your daughter she taken the news she will meet with a psychiatrist, for an assessment? 

I know help is out there yes. I had a brother who was a paranoid schizophrenic (committed suicide 3mths ago) and I know that I need to keep on to them, it's not that they will forget about her it's just like we said, the system is just overloaded but I think that some help is definitely needed. She is fine with it tbh, she really does want some help. I mean that's a really good start isn't it. Denial leads to suffering and she is not in denial so hopefully we can start to see some growth. She has always been socially anxious and struggles with friendships and I know it bothers her so if that can improve I think confidence will build and we can get her to a happier place. Her issues stem from her mom, there is no doubt about that and I feel as though I can't do much about it. I think she needs to come to terms with it and she needs a professional to help her do that.

Yes, she has 2 emergency numbers she can ring. She was very happy with the help that was offered and she feels very much at ease and said she enjoyed speaking to them and felt that they cared. This I feel is good because I don't think she will hesitate to contact them.


Your daughter can also self refer to her local NHS Alcohol and Drug counselling for support. Where are you in the country LT, north, south, east, west?

I'm central. There is good resources in the area. I myself used the service. The last 2yrs of my marriage I was slowly breaking down and found it very difficult to be around my ex, as a result I was drinking a fair amount weekends. I stopped drinking the week before I moved out and have not drank since. I found when I was no longer around her I didn't feel the need and I had suggested the service to my daughter many many times but she got to the point where she very rarely drank and could go weeks without touching drugs and even when she did it was very limited and not class A. She really did have it in check and I was proud of the progress she made and it's one of the reasons I'm so angry at myself, I allowed the ex back in and afterwards the kids said to me that I should of listened to them. I didn't even remember them saying the things they did, I was that much under her spell. It still bothers me now that she can say all that then 180, it is literally crazy.

Thanks for the link, I'll be sure to have a look.

Today is good I guess. My daughter told me she wasn't feeling swimming and it didn't really bother me because I know she's ok and that was my main concern. She will most likely be home later. I still took the boys and it was loads of fun. Tomorrow we are fishing so I'm really looking forward to that. My youngest as I said is fed up of his mom but as I learnt long ago, I cannot control the way she treats others. She is still trying to convince him that the rapist is a "nice guy" but they lived with him over a year and hate him. I know what she's doing, she can't properly move in with him without my son going too. I have told him what I've said many times, his thoughts, feelings and emotions DO matter and he has options, he knows he can move to mine at the drop of a hat. He would rather stay with his mom though, he is the favourite and has always been treated better by her, the others were rejected as soon as the new one came along (many things have happened). He told me he loves his mom and I told him that's perfectly fine and he should love his mom, I had a mom once and I loved her. He is becoming more aware of her dysfunction though and last weekend described her behaviour as "cycles". What she did 5 weeks ago hurt him. I will NOT force him away from his mom, I just need to have his back and he knows I do. I think this is the best approach right now. My other boy enjoyed swimming, it's good for him to get out. Next week we are starting the gym together, I don't need it but he is a big lad (comfort eats) and he wants to lose weight. I'm hoping he does because it will help build confidence. He loves 1-1 time with me so I know he will enjoy it.

Thank you for your kind replies/advice/links ladies, I really do appreciate it.
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« Reply #22 on: June 29, 2019, 11:25:54 AM »

We are rooting for you!
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« Reply #23 on: July 02, 2019, 11:23:17 AM »

Hi Longterm

I'm very sorry for your loss, I also see you've written on your other thread 'My son' some background to your brother. We are here for you anytime you may want to talk, share your feelings with us.

Excerpt
She is fine with it tbh, she really does want some help. I mean that's a really good start isn't it. Denial leads to suffering and she is not in denial so hopefully we can start to see some growth.
That is a great start and a huge step, your daughter is motivated, committed, no surprise where she gets it from!  As well as helping herself, she'll set a healthy example for her siblings and other family members.

Excerpt
Yes, she has 2 emergency numbers she can ring. She was very happy with the help that was offered and she feels very much at ease and said she enjoyed speaking to them and felt that they cared. This I feel is good because I don't think she will hesitate to contact them.
I'm so pleased for you both things are coming into place for her, yes people do care and I'm pleased she felt that, she is not alone, here is a big hug from me.    Glad to hear you've resources in your area. When my DD was discharged from the NHS they provided a couple of resources, one being Body and Soul where you can self refer. It is for under 30s and it is free. Anyhow thought I'd raise it in case there maybe something similar in your area, it's a diamond resource.

Well done on your sobriety and recognising you do not feel the need when your ex is not around. I guess your children saw that too.

Can you remind us how old your children are, I've caught...
Daughter 18
Son living at Nans 17 (is that your ex-wife's Mum)?
Son living at Mums 10
Your other son living with you is xx. you are planning going to the gym together.

Excerpt
I allowed the ex back in and afterwards the kids said to me that I should of listened to them. I didn't even remember them saying the things they did, I was that much under her spell. It still bothers me now that she can say all that then 180, it is literally crazy.
What did your children say they said to you, that you did not hear at the time?

As PeaceMom says we are rooting for you.

WDx
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« Reply #24 on: July 02, 2019, 12:35:31 PM »


I'm very sorry for your loss, I also see you've written on your other thread 'My son' some background to your brother. We are here for you anytime you may want to talk, share your feelings with us. 

Thank you Wendy. This happened a few weeks after the ex came back. She knew full well I was a bit shaky yet filled my head with loads of bs. She loves me, she dug herself a hole, I am her soulmate, she would die without me, she is so grateful to get another chance, she is 100% committed to fixing her relationships with me and the kids, she wanted to renew marriage vows, she was in it for the long haul, counselling etc, I could go on I really could, then she drops us on our heads. Horrendous and we are still recovering almost 6 weeks on, we will be for some time.

That is a great start and a huge step, your daughter is motivated, committed, no surprise where she gets it from!  As well as helping herself, she'll set a healthy example for her siblings and other family members. 


You get that from me? It's difficult getting through the day right now to be honest. Yes, I'm hoping she can lead the way and show them that change can occur. I want so many changes for all of us, I just want us to be happy I guess.

Thanks for recommending body and soul, I will be sure to see what else is available nearby. I've not seen her for a few days though, she's been coming back when I'm out because I have noticed she is stealing money out my bank account. I literally just transferred it all to another account, these little tricks I have used for years  to counter bad behaviour. She knows full well she will be paying it back.


Well done on your sobriety and recognising you do not feel the need when your ex is not around. I guess your children saw that too. 

Strange you say that because when the ex was back on the scene I had a real urge, I was like "the hell has this come from". I only drank weekends because I could not stand to be around my ex, it was horrible. Sobriety has shown the kids that change can happen and I'm very proud of that and they are proud of me too.

Daughter 18 lives with me
Son 17 lives with nan
Son 14 lives with me
Son 10 lives with mom at nan's because rapist bf kicked her out. She's trying to move back with him but my son refuses, he will end up with me at some point.

Ex is out of control, drugs, alcohol and prescription pill issues, attempted suicide just before she came back. Went back to bf after 2 months. Cheated on him 8 days later, 3 weeks after he cheats on her then last week she cheated on him again all in the space of a month.

I gave her a chance because I know she is Ill and had a vision of my family coming back together. Radical acceptance now of knowing I cannot help her. Divorce will go ahead in 3 weeks, hopefully she signs.

Future involves me working on myself and helping the kids, planning to stay single.

What did your children say they said to you, that you did not hear at the time?

They told me she was acting and who she was being was not who she was for 18mths, best behaviour/no shouting etc. Was being polite to the kids when it was "f*k off" most the time. They were very dubious but I convinced them much to our detriment that she meant what she said because she promised us she was going to change.

I personally believe she was bored. I represent stability and am much more together and a better parent without her. I was always the calming influence. I wanted hard work/commitment and she doesn't have that in her, much easier to get out her face and that's what she has done for 6 weeks.

Thanks again Wendy.
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Longterm
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« Reply #25 on: July 02, 2019, 12:48:01 PM »

I forgot to mention the gym.

Yes we had many plans before the ex came back and I told the kids we still have loads to look forward to we need to concentrate on ourselves right now. Barring rain we are out weekends doing things we spoke about when we were apart (ex stopped me seeing them for 5mths because I refused to communicate with her) and it's been great apart from the nuke she dropped.

I was at the Drs this morning with my son. I work nights and have had an hours sleep, I'm exhausted. Anyway he sat there and told the Dr his mom came back and built his hopes up then ruined him. I felt so sorry for him, I literally know how he feels and the doc suggested exercise as he's too young for depression meds and I said we are going Friday if nothing comes up. The only thing might be an appointment for my daughter. I'm going to make it a weekly thing. He loves 1-1 with me so should be good.

As I type this I had a message off my oldest son saying that his brother mentioned the gym to him and he thinks it will be good for him. I dunno if he's dropping hints but I'll reply as I normally do, politely.

I waffle on right? Lol
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« Reply #26 on: July 04, 2019, 03:29:04 PM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337773.msg13062105#msg13062105
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