Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
August 22, 2019, 04:46:30 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed, Scarlet Phoenix
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, formflier, GaGrl, Longterm, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things I couldn't have known
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
Am I the Cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?
90
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Trying to word it right  (Read 311 times)
Oliverlee69

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 13


« on: June 28, 2019, 03:58:19 PM »

I have waited long enough for my D to get a job. I want to give her 3 weeks to get a job and if she does not I will take the car since it is mine. D does absolutely nothing all day! She tells me that she does and I am crazy I just don’t see it but never can say what she does. She does not want to work for less than 20/hr and if she did apply to all the places she claimed to have applied she isn’t qualified for half of them.  She refuses to go to a hair cuttery and use her trade. In my area they pay hourly  about 13/hr plus commission and tips. Am I wrong to think making 13/hr is better than zero and living off my dime? By living off me she will constantly ask for gas money or money for cigs because any money she makes on the side doing hair she blows quickly.
Thanks for the feedback
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 924



« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2019, 04:39:41 PM »

That all sounds like reasonable boundaries to me. How do you plan to deliver the news?
hugs
Faith
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Oliverlee69

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 13


« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2019, 09:49:13 AM »

Hi Faith
I had planned on sitting her down and talking to her but when I sent out a job posting that a company was hiring she sent me a text and told me to get a life.  She then called me and told me I was not going to control her. I did tell her I sent the posting to several people looking for a job.  After I gave her the news I followed it up via text because she will deny I said it later.
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 924



« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2019, 03:52:40 PM »

I think you did the right thing. Enough is enough.
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Oliverlee69

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 13


« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2019, 02:02:03 PM »

Update:  After sitting her down and telling my D she needed a job in three weeks, I was told to get a life.  She then insisted since I was making these demands that I allow her boyfriend to move into my house. ( he doesn't work either and I frankly do not want anyone else living with me).  My daughter freaked out when I said no and told me she was cutting me off since I was so controlling.  She left with most of her things in her car ( registered to me) and told me she will be getting a job and refuses to tell me where she is living.
The mother in me of coarse is worried about her, where she is living, what she is eating but I also feel guilty because I feel relief because my house is peaceful without the abuse.   Does this make me a bad person? I feel like this is backwards and I should want her home but I don't.
Logged
Longterm
Ambassador
****
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 381



« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2019, 02:09:53 PM »

Hi Oliverlee69.

Does this make me a bad person? 

No it does not. You have bills to pay and anybody living with you that is of a suitable age is obliged to pay their way, your own child or not. It is not fair on you to expect any less. You have set reasonable boundaries and refused to enable her behaviour. You should be very proud of yourself.

As far as worrying, we all do that and that's a perfectly normal thing to go through. I worry all the time.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Swimmy55
Ambassador
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 202



« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2019, 03:20:01 PM »

You have done the right thing, Oliverlee69.  Stand tall! Like what was stated before, this is your house. Period.  The end.  So you are supposed to go from 1 to 2 unemployed adults living off you? No.  Just no.  
Yep, I know full well the worry  once they leave the home, but that is ok.  "my house is  peaceful without the abuse"  you said.  That's it right there and it is non negotiable.  
Logged

livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 10813



« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2019, 03:33:38 PM »

One thing I'm working on with my T is to not allow the conversation to move to a second topic.

People who aren't cooperative tend to try and move the conversation to something else.

I've been learning to say things like, "That's an important topic and I agree to talk about it with you at a later date. Right now, we're talking about x."

It sounds like she got what most matters to her. The car.

Is that the sole car between the two of you?
Logged

It's a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. -- Stephen Colbert
Oliverlee69

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 13


« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2019, 07:35:47 PM »

Hi thank you for the support.
We have two cars. I purchased the car she drives because we are from an area with limited to no bus service so it was done for her to get to school and to a job.  This happened before she began to exhibit all this behavior
Logged
LoveOnTheRocks
***
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 167



« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2019, 09:41:34 AM »

I have one caution, which is, whatever happens with the car in your name may have liability issues tied to you.  My DD20 never did cooperate on anything, so I put the car in her name, insured it for 6 months, and of course, at 6 months, she was not prepared to keep it insured...and she got 6 speeding tickets in 5 months, so I had to pay $2500 to insure it again, and that was the last time. 
While we figure out what's best to do with our BPD children,  I do think it's important for us to cover our own bases, which is why I find it easier to do what I gotta do and not worry about how she or anyone else feels about it.  I knew my daughter had difficulty making friends and this is/was why her friends were so "colorful."  Not only colorful, but they were committing stealing crimes...not something I was willing to have a car in my name involved in.
Logged
Oliverlee69

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 13


« Reply #10 on: July 04, 2019, 05:41:20 AM »

I agree.  After only two days and nights away my D was at a gas station stick because she did not have money for gas. Since the car is in my name I had no choice but to go get it and bring it home.  She of coarse came with it because I just could not put her on the street. I only have about a year to pay off the car once this happens it will go in her name. Though I do not think she will be able to get a job she came home not liking the rules of house and tells me she is determined to get a job and move. It is good she did come home as I found she had the dead to my house and all of my closing paperwork.
I have friend who is a para-legal and we are going to draw up a contract/lease giving me the ability to prevent extended stayers at my house as well as the ability to evict without noticed based on the situation.
Sad to say it is my own doing that she is home but I’m not happy about it
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 924



« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2019, 06:16:28 AM »

It seems to me that your boundaries about your car and house are healthy and completely appropriate. Why do you not feel good about them?
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Oliverlee69

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 13


« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2019, 02:08:44 AM »

I’m not even sure.  I am exhausted from her constant drama and her inability to do anything for herself that is productive.
Logged
FaithHopeLove
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 924



« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2019, 03:54:38 AM »

Drama is exhausting for sure. That is why self care is so important. Boundaries are part of self care. So is posting here. Are there other things you could add that would help? Maybe therapy for yourself? Hobbies you love? Good friends to spend time with? Really anything that centers and strengthens you.
Logged

Hugs,
Faith
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2019?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
AskingWhy
Bittlecat
Harri
Only Human
Skip
Teno
Ventak
Wicker Man





Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!