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Author Topic: Stages of grief?  (Read 1007 times)
lonely38
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« on: June 29, 2019, 09:10:55 AM »

I have been processing ALOT in the last 8-9 months.  After 39 years of pretty much hell with a bpd husband, I have finally been able to put a name to what has happened in marriage and in his life. This has been quite a process for me.  I spent the vast majority of our marriage wondering what was next as he has exhibited unbelievable infidelity, lies, secrets, abuse (verbal and emotional), addictive behaviors, etc.  Life has certainly been a roller coaster with him.

This past year after a very tumultous  8 months of putting up with his crap after having moved to a new location, him retiring and him falling apart, I lost it emotionally and mentally.  Last night I started to wonder if this was the FOG that he used on me and did it really send me to 'crazy?'  I am thinking it did.  It has taken a lot of time to process what happened with myself.  I could not take the abuse from him and, in a panic state, filed for divorce.  Then let the divorce go and he moved back in after a short separation.  We had maybe 6 weeks of decent time together before he went back to his anger, distancing (abuse) and also verbal and emotional abuse.

I am starting to think I am processing grief as I am not realizing our marriage will not get better, and that he will not change.  I can read a million self help books, go to all kinds of therapy, write down all my emotions, ruminate about him until I am exhausted and nothing will change.

The only good news is that I realize this was not me, it was him.  With the grief stages, I am feeling extreme anger toward him.  It was his birthday yesterday and I cooked dinner and made his favorite pie.  This was with him grunting one and two words sentences to me for the last several weeks.  I made the decision to do the dinner because I want to have family together.  This has become my reason for staying. 

Our children behaved poorly this past year and did not have an understanding of my breakdown.  My boundary issue then was that I wanted them to support me.  While they have witnessed the turmoil in our marriage, they wanted no part of the separation and threat of divorce.  I now understand I did cross a boundary with them.

Last night at dinner, my bpd husband put on his charming self with our children.  He can talk, be funny, be attentive with them and come across as the nice guy, which has also been his public persona.  My youngest daughter mentioned that his linked in now says 'he is retired and that she loved his "sweet" note on linked in saying thank you to all that made his career successful'

I believe this is his deceitful way of having a social outlet to draw in relationships. I know he has been on linked in a lot since retiring and has 'tried' helping people (women) get jobs.  So when I heard her say that, my thought is that your dad is a complete 'jack###'

I went to bed with so much hatred and anger toward him.  These days I wish he would just go away.

I want to move on toward the next place of grief, but maybe I need to be in this place a while to process?  I am no longer interested in his stuff.  I am working incredibly hard on healthy boundaries, which I have needed for the longest time.

Because I no longer see alternatives to marriage, I am asking for tips on how to process anger.  I have a feeling I already know those and just need to continue to do those?  I am meditating, getting therapy, taking care of myself as best I can, spending time with friends and finding outlets outside of marriage.

Thank you for any advice.
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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2019, 09:25:34 AM »

You are looking at your husband with clear eyes and you realize that what you see is what you get. He is unlikely to change and you are feeling grief about your marriage and currently you feel a great deal of anger toward him.

As he does with outsiders, he pulls the wool over your children's eyes and behaves in a charming manner, behavior that he doesn't exhibit toward you.

You say you "no longer see alternatives to marriage." Why not? You didn't get support from your children when you were planning to divorce him. I doubt that many children, no matter how dysfunctional their parents' marriage, would be supportive of divorce. The important thing is what you want, not what others think you should do.

What keeps you in this marriage that provides you with such little happiness?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2019, 09:36:52 AM »

Thank you, Cat.  Maybe it is fear of the unknown?  It's not that I am afraid to be alone.  I already am. But if we divorce, there will no more 'family' dinner, holidays, etc.  We have grandchildren and I want a relationship with them.  In the last year, we feel we have been 'punished' by our children.  I realize this is, more than likely, a manifestation of family dysfunction now passed down to them.

My hope is that I will have years  of life ahead.  My husband is in poor health and maybe I am hoping for his health to get him?  Sorry, that probably sounds like an evil thought but it is coming to my mind more and more.

And we have a lot of assets together, including real estate.  It's all very complicated after being married for this long. 

My therapist told me is and has always been abuser.  She said when he does nice things for me, it is not for me.  It is for him to make his image of himself better.  She says he is all about his image and how he looks.  I have been told he is a fake by more than one person. All I feel for him now is disgust.
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« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2019, 10:04:13 AM »

Do you think your children would not go to "Mom's house" for family dinners and holidays? Would they purposely exclude you from seeing the grandchildren should you divorce?

I suspect that they were possibly feeling like their image of the family was disrupted and they didn't want to be seen as siding with either parent. And what they now experience from your husband (the charming attentive nice guy) is at odds with who they've seen him been, when they were younger.

Having been through a complicated divorce (owning property and a business together) I understand that it's daunting to unravel shared assets.

However, the feeling of freedom and being released from the daily oppression of an abuser, for me, was well worth the trouble.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2019, 10:43:33 AM »

Cat, I am now close to 60 years old.  I just cannot think of how being single would make things better.  I get the idea of peace finally and would welcome that.  But there would still be family dynamics.  The children would be trying to do things separately with each parent, etc.  And I know that my bpd husband would then double up on efforts to stay in touch with children and grands, which would still create turmoil.  He and I would be showing up to kid and grandkid events together and then everyone would be uncomfortable, including me.  We still have a daughter who will be getting married.  How do you handle that gracefully when you are divorced?


And the dividing up of assets?  I know that can be done.  But part of me does not want to give up the financial stuff I have enjoyed, which I know is a poor substitute for true happiness. 
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2019, 03:22:58 PM »

So you’re hoping to preserve your assets, continue to host family events,  outlive him, and be more able to tolerate him in the meantime. Are you wanting to develop a thicker skin so his behavior and comments don’t affect you as much?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2019, 06:31:22 PM »

Yes, unfortunately, I think that is where I am.  I realize this is not what most people would choose but it is what I am choosing, free of anything other than my own decision making.  That may change at some point, but for now it is where I am. For the most part I am getting healthier, but last night with family was a big trigger.  I was hoping to enjoy time with family (kids and grands) more last night instead of being so impacted by my bpd husband and how he plays such a role in even our family.
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« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2019, 08:33:59 PM »

Yes, unfortunately, I think that is where I am.  I realize this is not what most people would choose but it is what I am choosing, free of anything other than my own decision making.  That may change at some point, but for now it is where I am. For the most part I am getting healthier, but last night with family was a big trigger.  I was hoping to enjoy time with family (kids and grands) more last night instead of being so impacted by my bpd husband and how he plays such a role in even our family.

This has been a consoling and comforting thread because I relate to soo much of it.
I think I'm at this place, too...willing to develop a thicker skin to preserve what I have.
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« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2019, 09:41:10 PM »

Setting boundaries is one of the most effective tools to keep from taking things personally and developing that thicker skin. Those of us who’ve been codependent need to remember that “No” is a complete sentence.
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« Reply #9 on: August 07, 2019, 07:01:12 AM »

  I realize this is not what most people would choose but it is what I am choosing, free of anything other than my own decision making.  


Guess what...you are not "most people".  You are you...and it's your marriage and you and only you are the decider for your part in the marriage.

OK...I've "kinda" decided to do what you are doing.  I identify with the feelings of anger..the desire to have an "intact" family and all that.

Feelings of anger:  At least for me, they are very complicated...luckily fairly rare now.  I often conflated anger at "her"..with anger at "bpd"...and anger at "me" (my actions and/or ignorance). 

When things went off the rails around 2009 (after 15 years or so of "normal" marriage)...I invalidated my wife's paranoia..which made it worse.  This went on for several years and got bad.  She believed I was a polygamist and had a love child (with another woman I was not married to..so yes was married to another woman AND had a secret relationship with an additional woman that resulted in a child which I named the same as my wife to sneak her onto my government health insurance)  I could go on..this only scratches the surface.

So...was her dysfunction my "fault".  If I had the skills I had now...it would have been much less severe, yet I didn't know what I didn't know.

I was angry at myself for a long time (and her ...and...and...and).

Well...as boundaries worked better and I got more space to get stronger and I understood tools and theories better I came to realize that I actually have a lot of power in the relationship and over my life.  I'm now unapologetic about exercising that power.

I just completed a family trip with my wife that was wonderful.  We spent a few days with my oldest son and then a few days alone (yep..me and the same lady that thought all that stuff above) in a house in the middle of nowhere.  Think "romantic retreat".  It was wonderful. 

There was a time or two she started to unravel...I used tools and continued enjoying myself.  She unraveled and picked herself back up in the space of a couple hours.  I outwardly paid little attention. 

Is this the life I "want"... or dreamed of.  Nope... I am happy and look forward to the future.

I say all this to circle back around to your anger and disgust.  That's the place to focus huge amounts of self care and boundaries (so you don't add more fuel).  I can't imagine this will be a quick process, nor will it be a "linear" process.  So...you will think he's great again...then hate him..then apathy...you will be all over the map. 

We can support you in all this and a T will be critical as well. 

There are others that have decided to stick around even though they have a clear view of who their spouse is and ISN'T...  My understanding is most of them (if not all) would say their relationship with their spouse is better and that eventually their spouse began to focus more on themselves and make improvements (even if they are not the ones we/they would pick).

OK..I'll wrap this up. 

What do you think about what I've written?

How do you feel about what I've written?

Do you know what Meijers briggs thing you are ?  I'm an ESTJ.

Best

FF

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« Reply #10 on: August 09, 2019, 10:28:03 PM »

Lonely, I think you are feeling a sense of mourning for the R/S that never was, or the one you thought existed.

For many years, I was emotionally abused by my uBPD H and yet very confused by it.  I had no idea what it was but I knew something was horribly wrong.  H started dysregulating about six months into the marriage (average according to Bill Eddy) and then triangulating his children against me while they were all very young.  (He refused to parent him, and they emotionally blackmailed him even at that young age.)

After the mourning, I found my next stage was anger.  Anger at the mistreatment I was subjected to.  If you read Bancroft's, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" anger is a stage in the process of moving on and healing.  Anger has its place in the human psyche, and it cannot be said all anger is bad. 
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lonely38
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« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2019, 08:01:52 AM »

So I have not been on this site for several weeks now.  But just reading through all of this again helps tremendously.  And I am in the same place as I was several weeks ago.  I am with a person who cannot see themselves for who they are, who blames me for everything, with kids who do not seem to want a relationship with us, even though our family has traditionally been extremely close, or so I thought.

My bpd husband and I had a big trip planned out of the country.  We just came back from that trip.  Before, he was threatening not to go, etc.  He was not talking to me and was showing quite a bit of paranoia, including that I stole money from him.

We went on the trip, and just as I thought, he behaved extremely well.  We were with a tour and other people 24/7 pretty much and I knew that would be my insurance for a good time.

Anyway, we came back this past week.  He went into our home, sat down and no more talking, etc.  No helping around the house and pretty much not doing anything but moping.  I have suggested talking a couple of times although I realize our talk would need to be extremely limited as I am unwilling to get into any kind of deep discussion where I do not feel safe.

He did say last night something about going to a therapist.  However, I believe his intention is to have us go to a therapist and then 'talk to each other' in front of the therapist.  If this is his goal, I am not sure it even makes sense to use my energy to participate as that will go nowhere.

I let our children know we were back in town, had bought some things for them while gone and that they were most welcome to stop by when and if they had time.  One of our children texted back to say we could drop it by their house as they were very busy?  I elected to not text back.  Have not heard anything from the other two. I am realizing I need better boundaries with children.  In the last year with all of the family drama, it has been me reaching out to them and zero of them reaching out to us.

Again, I believe the dysfunction of marriage has also become the dysfunction of family. I am not struggling as much with anger, although I am still struggling with some.  And yes, I was reminded I need to participate in self care, in getting involved with others, etc.  So I reached out to friends yesterday and am beginning to get back to what I was doing before.

So sad, but my life.  The worst part is that I am dealing subconsciously with a desire to find another person to be with.  This is a new thought process for me and a scary one.  I realize I am pretty vulnerable right now and do not want to get myself in more of a mess than I already am.

Has anyone on this site tried coda.org?  I am considering this.
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« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2019, 09:34:20 AM »


If you husband will go with you to a therapist.  Go.

The only way to actually know what he will do..or what a T will do, is go and see.


Your hubby will do what he will do.  I would encourage you to do the same.  Think about what you can do to build relationships with your children and do that.  (hint...don't talk about your hubby or your relationship issues...likely best you get a T for that)

Invite one of them to lunch...see what's going on in their world.  If they ask about your world..keep it light. 

Please don't delude yourself that your children completely changed in the past year.  Most likely it's a straw that broke the camels back year...instead of them going from completely happy with you to almost silent treatment. 

I say this to give you perspective that rebuilding relationships will take time.  Even if you assume it's only bee a bad year..I would then assume it will take a year of building (likely longer)

You can do this, yet I'm sure it will go better with professional guidance for you.

Did you enjoy your trip?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2019, 11:21:20 AM »

Hi Lonely  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Just wanted to answer your question about trying out a CODA meeting.  (Brief backstory - 1.6 months out from my divorce which was really pretty much a blindsiding dumping by my uBPDh of 21 years).  I've been going to CODA meetings for 3 months now and I've found them to be very helpful in terms of providing in real life company along this crazy road of codependency.  Initially, I found the format to honestly be a little weird (it closely follows the AA pattern of group interaction) but now I appreciate the familiar structure of it from week to week.  I've learnt a lot about codependency and I really appreciate being with others who are on the same path. The work necessary, however, to change your codependent habits is ultimately up to you.  An additional plus is that you will not find a nicer group of people than a roomful of codependents!

Stay strong on your journey  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Warmly,
B
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« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2019, 12:01:55 PM »

Thank you for both the replies.  Here is my question with regard to children.  They literally all told me a year ago at my birthday how proud they were of how I had handled the immorality of their dad.  Then the same year, when their dad became unbearable to live with, and in a crazed state of mind, I filed for divorce.

I am guessing perhaps this was not he straw that broke camel's back but maybe more so an about face in their minds with how I handled things?  Is that possible?  As long as mom held it together, they had some strange sort of security.  Then when mom lost it, they wanted nothing to do with it as they had no idea of how to deal with it, etc?

All in all, I understand it does not really matter.  But I am still struggling at this point with the one sided relationship both my husband and I have with our children. I am wondering if it is best to not contact them for a while to give them the chance to jump back in the relationship.  Does this make any sense?

What I do not want to do is anything that would harm the relationship in their minds.  However, I am pretty confused by their seeming lack of desire to initiate much of anything. 

I really appreciate the tips here.  Thanks again.
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« Reply #15 on: August 19, 2019, 12:20:01 PM »


You are the parent...the "adult". 

Reach out to them.  Gently...

Please...give up hope of your children "picking sides".  Much better if you "pick them". 

Do you have a T for you?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2019, 01:00:11 PM »

Yes, I have a very good trauma therapist who has helped tremendously.
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« Reply #17 on: August 19, 2019, 02:13:11 PM »

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' stages of grieving are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

You started this topic in Anger. Where do you see yourself now?

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« Reply #18 on: August 19, 2019, 02:22:24 PM »

Yes, I have a very good trauma therapist who has helped tremendously.


This is good.

Do you spend much time on the relationship with your kids?  If not..is this something you can add more therapy time to.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #19 on: August 19, 2019, 02:22:34 PM »

And the dividing up of assets?  I know that can be done.  But part of me does not want to give up the financial stuff I have enjoyed, which I know is a poor substitute for true happiness.  

I am around your age, and divorce is not an easy option.  My uBPD H and I have accrued a comfortable lifestyle, and I, like you, opt for comfort over sanity.

I make the best of knowing my H is really an ill man, and now know to make my boundaries and stick to them.  All of his adult children and in the NPD and BPD spectrum, so it's only a matter of time before we get treated to the next suicide attempt, involuntary commitment, call from jail, or emotional blackmail for money.

As for the recommendation to see a T with your H, be cautious.  Many Ts do not know how to approach therapy with a BPD.  Years ago, I attending marital counseling with my uBPD H.  In two sessions, H had her eating out of his hand.  The T was almost screaming at me that all the problems were with me, and if I did not straighten up, I'd "lose the man" who loved me.  Do not underestimate the ability of a BPD to be charming and manipulative and appear sane when they want to.  

Be well and treat yourself gently.   I am happy to learn you have your own T.    Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #20 on: August 20, 2019, 09:55:30 AM »

Yes, I am also in therapy trying to understand relationship with kids.  and I have and am continuing to find ways to somewhat stay in touch, even though one sided.

I have been told that marriage therapy goes nowhere.  My bpd husband and I have had literally over a decade of marriage therapy.  He will get better for a while or we will get better for a while.  It is in the past year I have finally gained an understanding of what has happened for our 38 years of marriage.  This problem was not about marriage, it was about a personality disorder that had its tentacles deep into our relationship.

Last night I decided to cook a nice meal.  I brought my husband home a bottle of wine.  He was not talking etc, which has been his norm for the last several months.
He had mentioned talking last night and I was not sure what that was about.  Then when I went to bend over and pick up his wine glass, I noticed  he was typing into his phone.  He has done this regularly for the last year.  He was typing more about me and how 'contentious' I am.  This is when he is on the sofa enjoying a glass of wine and me cooking dinner for him. 

This term has been used with me during the last year.  Before that it was hostile, controlling (still hear that one), argumentative, etc.  This past year I began to finally pay attention to what was happening in our relationship.  Strangely enough, I began to understand that what he was calling out as contentiousness in me was really contentiousness in him. 

We literally came home from a nice trip together where we enjoyed each other's company, etc. As soon as we walked into our home, he sat on the sofa, turned on the tv and has had little more than a one or 2 word sentence with me since then. This tells me he came back home and picked up all of his 'baggage.'  I have witnessed him doing this for most of our married life.  It is like he is carrying a burden, one I am not capable of making ok for him.

When I saw the words he was typing, I said dinner is ready.  I laid out all of the food and told him I had lost my appetite but to go ahead and eat.  No angry words, no outbursts, just expressing disappointment that this was what he was thinking once again. 

He has been focused this entire year on the fact, that in his mind, I ruined our family.  When I filed for divorce this past year, I am guessing perhaps that this triggered a lot of abandonment in him.  Unfortunately this feeling of being wronged and abandoned seems to be haunting him. 

We have tried therapy, I have tried listening to him.  I have tried apologizing for hurting him, etc.  But nowhere has he owned what happened in the last year that took me off the edge of the cliff and found myself in divorce proceedings.

He is angry that I will no longer participate in these types of discussions where we rehash the past and all of the wrongs.  I have told him many times I am open to a positive or constructive discussion where we talk about healing.  When I say this, I am told I am controlling.

So it is damned if I do or damned if I don't.  Which means focus on self care, other activities and finding my own joy in life.  I am sad for my bpd husband and certainly for our marriage.  However, I am no longer capable or even desiring to get in discussions that will go nowhere.
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« Reply #21 on: August 20, 2019, 10:25:07 AM »


How often do you work with your therapist?

How long have you been working individually with this therapist?

I would encourage you to take these thoughts/points of view and discuss them at your next therapy session.  I have suggested some questions below.


This problem was not about marriage, it was about a personality disorder that had its tentacles deep into our relationship.

Is this really a helpful way to view this?  Does this point of view empower you or does it cast you as a (fill in the blank)?

How much power does this point of view suggest you have in the relationship and your future?

How does your power relate to your hope?



Excerpt
  However, I am no longer capable or even desiring to get in discussions that will go nowhere.

This is wonderful!  FF's personal rule is I don't do circular arguments.  I also want to communicate with my wife...so...what I do is try to catch the circular on the second time around.  If it gets to three I'm disappointed in myself.

On the first time around if I "suspect" there will be a circle...I ask "What new information is there about (blank) issue."

Sometimes "What's new here?"  (but making sure to "sound interested"..curious)


Best,

FF
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« Reply #22 on: August 20, 2019, 11:29:54 AM »

Hi Lonely38,

Sorry to hear that you are battling with the loss/realisation that the marriage will never be ‘normal’. Having to accept that is a very brutal process. It’s sounds like you have achieved a lot of positive progress in the last year especially along the fronts of pushing against conflict and to an extent emotionally separating yourself. I have used reframing to salve my own depression about my predicament. I think often depression comes from a sense of helplessness, lack of options or loss. Yes you have lost hope of the mirage which was a harmonious utopia marriage, but you still have many many choices. One of those choices is to stay in the relationship and better yourself. That’s a pretty honourable and brave choice to make. Deciding (which you have) to stay, to stand and be different is very powerful IF you frame it accordingly. Like I said, you have other choices, you’re just choosing not to take those routes (at the moment). It’s tricking your ego, you’re allowed to do that as long as you don’t have any delusional thoughts as to what you can and cannot achieve down this path. Be real, be grounded and think smart.

I read that you still do nice things for your H yet are disappointed with his reactions, this is a wonderful gift to him, one that he seems not to earn through his actions. It’s great to give gifts, but you’re going to need to adjust your expectations as to what you may receive in return... or, decide not to give acts of service (nocked from Love Languages). You still seem to be pointing inwards to the relationship in the hope it may yield something, yet disappointed when it yields pain. Is there anyone who will reciprocate your love that you can redirect your attention to, maybe yourself?

The family dynamic is complex at the best of times. There is a fine balance in a family where players seek to keep balance. I was talking to a friend on Friday who suspects his BIL is NPD. As the conversation progressed past his BILs dysfunction I asked him how he thought this played through to his W. He’d not thought about this before, how his wife who suffers anxiety and a need to help constantly suffered fallout from her brothers dysfunctional behaviour... brother would make false claims about his sister, parents would force sister to make apologies for things they knew she didn’t do, purely to keep the peace and maintain family unity. She basically grew up being the scapegoat. One brother is NPD whilst one sister is full of anxiety, low self esteem and low stress tolerance to compensate... but it’s the family dance and the family norm. Your kids want to maintain the status-quo and will rally around to re-balance and protect the dysfunctional family member. It’s very common for example in families where one member is an alcoholic. Family members on their own will make comments about dad being an alki, however when one family member attempts to expose the dysfunctional member the others will band around to protect the injured fawn. Your kids may not be in a place where they can or even want to accept that their childhood was one filled with dysfunctional behaviour and that their parents were anything less than almost perfect.

As FF suggests, building a direct relationship with them putting aside any drama that’s going on in the relationship will help build these bonds with Mum rather than Mum & Dad. I guess in a way that young kids don’t need to be involved in the mess of adult relationships, actually adult kids don’t want to be either. They want to maintain the picture of perfection of their parents however delusional that might be... until one day they decide not to and at that point I would advise on honesty and accountability.

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« Reply #23 on: August 20, 2019, 11:41:02 AM »

Thank you for both of the replies, very insightful.  By mentioning that the real problem in the marriage has been more than just marriage, I intended to say this has been freeing for me.  I have finally come to the conclusion why I have dealt with so much anxiety and unknowns.  It allows me to not take my bpd husband's stuff personally.  I may still have triggers but they are getting way easier to manage. And I am not pretending that I have my own characteristics and flaws I have brought into marriage.  By maneuvering through the details this past year, I am realizing how I have contributed to more upheaval, which is teaching me to learn better boundaries with myself.

And I do agree that even adult children need to remain children, and that is fair.  I am and have been spending time with children.  When I do, I keep the topics on their lives.  If they happen to ask me a question about my work or activities, great.  But I am not offering anything else other than the very minimal I shared with them this past year.  

The good part about going through tough times is giving myself the opportunity to grow as an individual, to learn to accept my stuff and deal with it, but to not take on others' stuff.  This last part has been the hardest lesson for me!

I do realize from time to time that I still hold out hope for the marriage.  I read on a boundaries site was that hope was when you have the chance of something happening.  If you do not have hope, then you are wishing.  This was good for me to hear and to remember so that I am not disappointed again.

As for the doing something nice for my bpd husband, I did that with zero expectations from him.  He did not say thank you, he did not say the food was good, etc.  And I was not surprised by it.  In some ways, I need to do some of these kind of 'home making' activities for me too as it brings me some comfort and satisfaction.
« Last Edit: August 20, 2019, 11:51:06 AM by lonely38 » Logged
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« Reply #24 on: August 20, 2019, 12:37:31 PM »


Read through the questions again..especially about hope and power.

How do those things connect.

separate thought..

..help me understand doing something nice for someone...that doesn't appreciate it?  How do you feel about that?

Best,

FF
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« Reply #25 on: August 20, 2019, 03:38:05 PM »

As far as the questions regarding power and hope...I believe that by 'empowering' myself to understand what has gone on, what is going on, and probably what will continue to go on...I am giving myself strength over my own emotions, the ability to not let what the bpd husband says feel like a personal attack, to remove myself from insanity when needed, to give myself better boundaries, self care, etc.

By doing this, I can then have hope for me, for my life and my future.  If I continue to work on me, this only helps me in the long run.  And perhaps allows me to help another if need be and if I so choose.  Not out of obligation but out of my own heart, etc.

I don't want power over the marriage and I am choosing to let go of hope in the marriage, although this is a tough one for me.

I guess as far as doing something nice for another, I am coming at it from a christian perspective.  I do not have to treat someone as they treat me.  I do not have to return evil for evil.  I can still speak with kindness, etc.  And especially, I can learn better how to take care of and control me, including my reactions, etc.

My bpd husband does things around the home, including cooking, etc.  In strange ways, he shows a desire to remain married, although seemingly he seems incapable or not desiring to demonstrate emotions of love toward me in the last year and a half.

And when I feel the desire to something nice, I do it because I want to.  Not because I want something in return.  Make sense?
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